A/N: FYI, this entire outtake, Parts 1 to 3, is just one big ball of fluff.
Thanks to Michelle Renker Rhodes for beta-ing this three-part bit of silliness.
All characters (except the Cullen kids) belong to S. Meyer.
OGBB – Cullen Kids Style – Part 3 - Conclusion...
"Of all the ideas you've ever had, Love, and I've gotta be honest, you've had a few beauties," Edward smirked as he removed the roast from the oven and I crouched under him to remove the potatoes, "this one here is by far not one of your best."
Maia, who was in the kitchen with us preparing her famous salad, looked up at her dad. They shared a snicker.
I rolled my eyes at them and put the potatoes on a nice serving dish. "It's not going that badly."
He raised a brow my way while carving the roast, digging the knife in way more roughly than necessary and making me cringe for the poor, yummy piece of meat.
"Excuse me, but were you and I in the same room with the same people?"
"So Doctor Diego is a bit on the…pompous side. He's not too bad."
"No, I suppose he's not," Edward agreed begrudgingly. "But I don't like how shocked Bree appeared about the fact that our kids are so well-behaved. As if that's really so hard to believe," he scowled. "Look at Maia," he added, waving a hand in her direction. "She's a little lady, helping with her brother and sister and making her delicious salads."
This time, Maia didn't even glance up from her salad prep.
Then Masen walked in.
"Maia, should I set the table now?"
I was surprised at Masen's eagerness to set out utensils, and also at the fact that he'd asked Maia. But Maia simply nodded, looking up at Mase firmly.
"I've already separated the utensils out for you. You know how to set them, right?" she asked, narrowing her gaze.
"Yup!" He picked up each set of utensils - which had already been rolled up in separate napkin settings – and studied them intently.
"Look at that!" Edward waved towards Mase. "Our son doesn't even wait to be asked to set the table!"
Then Jamie walked in.
"Should I make the lemonade now, Maia?" She appeared as anxious to help as Mase did.
"We've got the most helpful, well-behaved children in the darn state!" Edward claimed.
"Mm," I mumbled thoughtfully, watching them all with my arms crossed against me.
Edward and I left the girls to their final preparations while we brought out the tarts, roast and potatoes. Maia and Jamie offered to bring out the rest.
"Maia and Jamie will bring out the chili and tofu as soon as Maia is done preparing the salad," I smiled, taking a seat at the end of the table. Edward sat across from me at the other end. Bree and Diego had taken seats across from each other, and Masen, having finished with his job of place setting, took a seat next to Bree.
"And Jamie is preparing freshly-squeezed lemonade," Edward stated proudly.
"This all looks delicious so far, Bella," Doctor Diego exclaimed, looking around the table hungrily. "We don't get too many home-cooked meals down in Houston."
Bree shot him a glare. "When you're working on your career, it's hard to find time to season a roast, or bake potatoes - twice."
"Especially since some of us aren't even allowed to eat any of that," Doctor Diego muttered under his breath, staring at the roast with obvious longing.
If looks could kill, Bree's overgrown lasers would've shot him down right then and there.
I chuckled nervously - because I so didn't want a homicide in my house.
"I know what you mean, Bree. It really is all a crazy balancing act, isn't it?" I said quickly, trying to ease the tension between husband and wife.
"Yet you do it all so well, Love." Edward grinned my way. I smiled softly at the sincerity shining in his eyes.
Maia and Jamie walked into the dining room. Maia carried two large bowls of veggie chili, while Jamie carried two small plates of sautéed tofu. I was kind of surprised that they'd served it all into separate plates since I'd left out serving dishes for them, but oh well, it didn't really make much difference.
Maia placed a bowl of chili in front of Bree - and the other in front of Diego. Then Jamie placed a tofu plate on the other side of Bree - and one on the other side of Diego.
"Thank you girls very much," Diego smiled.
"Yes, thank you," Bree agreed prim and properly.
"You're very welcome," Maia smiled sweetly. "Jamie and Masen, why don't you guys help me bring the rest out?"
"Sure!" they both agreed simultaneously, giggling and racing each other back into the kitchen.
Doctor Diego watched them wistfully. "Such great kids."
Again, when the kids returned I was surprised to see that they'd already served the salads into separate plates, and had filled glasses with lemonade and brought them out. But once again, it didn't really matter how they were doing things.
I was just so uber-proud of them for helping so much in the first place!
With everything out and ready, Edward mumbled some quick words about thanks and friends – which by the way, could've sounded more sincere - and then we meat-eaters dug in.
"Edward, how are your brothers doing?" Bree asked. She picked up a small spoonful of chili and held it in front of her mouth, gracefully waiting for Edward's response before taking a bite.
Edward had been about to stick a piece of roast in his mouth. Now he set his fork down and looked over at Bree with a tight smile.
"They're well, thanks. Emmett and Rose have four kids, and own a very successful chain of restaurants in Seattle and the surrounding areas. Jasper and Alice help manage the business."
"In between running after their own two boys," I added with a grin.
Bree flashed her eyes to me and gave me a hasty smile before promptly turning back to Edward.
"So they're all living in Seattle?"
Edward set his fork down once more. "No, they all live in Forks."
"So it's a nice family business," Bree smiled, cocking her head to the side, studying my husband.
"Yes," Edward replied, quick and succinct, apparently having no interest in sharing the fact that we were all involved in Emmett and Rose's restaurant business.
"And how are your parents?"
Edward sighed and stared longingly at the piece of roast at the end of his fork before setting it down once more.
"They're fine as well. Dad is retiring next year, and mom…well she has no plans to retire in the near future. As a matter of fact, she's thinking of expanding her business."
Bree chuckled prettily - and was it just me or were her eyelashes fluttering a tad bit more than necessary?
"Your mom was always so very…active and…impulsive. Quixotic even. I suppose that's why she took to you so easily, Bella."
"Maybe Gran took to my mom so quickly because mom's so pretty and nice and smart."
That wasn't me, that was Maia - and though she grinned beautifully at Bree while she said it, there was a strange fire burning in her eyes.
My stomach tightened.
Bree set her spoonful of chili down and turned her large eyes to Maia.
"Yes, your mom is definitely all those things - and more. She certainly knew how to catch your dad pretty quickly."
"Maybe she caught my dad so quickly because my dad finally woke up and got a clue."
Bree's huge eyes widened in shock.
"Maia, honey..." I started.
"Bree, darling, why don't you try your chili? It's absolutely delicious!" Diego blurted, stuffing his face.
"I just meant that men can be so blind sometimes." Maia pushed a piece of roast into her mouth, smiling while she chewed.
Bree stared at her, chili all but forgotten. "How old are you, Maia?"
Maia made sure to swallow completely before answering with obvious pride. "I'm fourteen."
"Fourteen," Bree mused thoughtfully. "I remember being fourteen." Her eyes abruptly took on a far-away, glazed look. "Edward, do you remember that summer when we were fourteen, right before we started high school? We used to spend our days in your parents' back yard - out of the sun, of course. You and the rest were always in the pool and I had to keep reminding you how bad chlorine is for the skin, but you just wouldn't listen. We thought we knew it all then, didn't we?"
This time Edward stared at Bree as if she'd lost her mind. "What are you even-"
"Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Jamie bounced up and down in her seat, raising her hand the way we'd taught her to if she wanted to speak while others were doing so. Unfortunately, she kept forgetting that raising your hand didn't automatically mean you could now interrupt.
"Miss Bree, if you were fourteen at the same time as my daddy that means you're the same age as him. My daddy is forty now. Does that mean you're also forty? My mommy is thirty-five. Right, mommy?"
Bree's naturally pale complexion went redder than the untouched chili before her.
"Seriously, Bree," Diego exclaimed, shoveling chili into his mouth, "Just try the chili."
"Uhm…Jamie, baby," I said quietly, "we don't ask people their ages."
Maia gave her little sister a smile chock full of indulgence. "That's right, Jamie. She's forty. Good math."
Jamie grinned wide and proud.
Queue Uncomfortable Silence Number Four.
Now while Uncomfortable Silence Number Four was going on, Maia and Jamie shared a look - a look that, as their mom, I recognized all too easily. It was the look they gave each other whenever they decided to tag team Masen - which thankfully wasn't very often. But then Masen joined in on the look, and my meat-filled tummy rolled.
With a deep, obviously annoyed breath, Bree picked up her spoon again, eyes firmly on her chili as she brought it to her mouth for her first taste-
"Doctor Tanner, do you and Doctor Rodriguez plan on ever having children?"
Oh. My. God! Maia was not going there!
"Maia-" Edward spoke up now.
Bree set her spoon down and leveled Maia with a definite glare, but Maia held her gaze firmly.
"Doctor Rodriguez and I have been busy for the past few years with our careers. Whether we'll have children or not is-"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Doctor Diego's shoulders droop.
"My mom and dad might have more kids."
"Because my mom is still so young," Maia went on, ignoring my horrified expression. "Thirty-five is still really young for a woman to have kids. But forty," she exclaimed, blowing out through narrowed lips and shaking her head. "Man, I don't know…that's kind of old right there, isn't it?"
"I'll have you know, young lady, that plenty of women have babies past forty!"
"Sure," Maia shrugged. "But I've heard that the older you are when you have kids, the harder it is to shed that baby weight." She gave Bree a meaningful look, shaking her head once more.
"Maia!" I choked again.
"Mommy, I gotta go potty!" Masen yelled. I flashed my eyes his way. He squirmed in his seat, hands between his legs where he was holding in the pee.
"Is anyone going to taste their lemonade soon?" Jamie asked, looking bored already.
Bree scowled around the table. "And if we ever do have kids, they will definitely be better behaved than some children I've seen!" Angrily, she lifted her spoon to her mouth again.
"Now hold on, Bree. I know you're not in my house implying that my kids aren't-" Edward began.
"Bree, they're just children," Diego whispered.
"Tell me, Doctor Tanner, being a mental health professional, do you ascribe to the nature or nurture theory of behavioral psychology to determine a child's personality?" Maia questioned.
I covered my mouth.
Bree's dainty little nostrils flared, spoon dropping once more. "In some cases, it's obviously both nature and nurture!"
"Bree!" I exclaimed.
"I gotta potty!"
Everything after that happened quick-fast - and yet at the same time, in super slow-mo.
Bree furiously stuck the spoon - the one that had been carefully wrapped in a place setting specifically for her - in her mouth, tasting her first bite of veggie chili – the veggie chili that Maia and Jamie had served individually while alone in the kitchen.
A triumphant grin spread across Maia's face as Bree's face went from pink, to sandstone, to rose, to red, to burgundy - before spitting the chili back out into the bowl.
Her tongue hung out of her mouth, panting like a thirsty puppy. She desperately picked up her glass of lemonade and swallowed half of it down-
-before her eyes bulged and she spit the lemonade back out onto the table in one long stream.
"Cool!" Jamie exclaimed.
"FUCK!" Bree yelled.
"Bree, watch your language around my kids!" Edward bellowed.
"Bree, darling, what's wrong?"
Bree reached out for Doctor Diego's lemonade glass, knocking over the pitcher, which spilled all over my pretty – and quite delicious, I must say – roast.
She swallowed the glass in 2.1 seconds.
I kid you not.
"I should've known you'd breed the spawn of the devil!" she screeched my way when she finally came up for air.
"Don't you dare come into our house and call our children the spawn of the devil!" Edward bellowed.
"They tried to poison me!" she screamed at Edward. And then reached over for my lemonade glass and started drinking that. I took in the scene, dumbfounded – and speechless.
"Oh, please," Maia snorted. "My dad's a doctor. Trust me, there was no poison involved." She grinned innocently. "You haven't even tried your tofu or salad yet."
Bree glared at her. "You…you're just like your mother!" she spat.
"Thank you," Maia nodded vehemently, arms crossed across her chest. "That's the best compliment anyone could ever give me."
Bree growled. Actually growled!
"You're all just like your mother! If your father would've married me things would've been a lot different around here! There'd be order and behavior - instead of all this…this chaos!"
"Bo-ring," Jamie muttered, swinging her legs under the table.
"You regret it, Edward, don't you?! You could've had a nice, organized and well-planned out life with me, instead of all this craziness!"
Maia snorted. "Doctor Tanner, do you spend a lot of time dealing with delusions in your line of work?"
"Mommy, what does delusion mean?"
"I gotta go potty now!"
"Oh for God's sakes, THEN GO POTTY!" Bree yelled down at my poor Mase.
Masen stared up at her - and stopped squirming.
"That's it!" Edward flung his napkin over the table. "There's no way in hell you're going to sit here and speak to my children that way!"
"Oh, don't worry, we're leaving! Come on Diego, let's get out of this nut house!" Bree ordered. She downed Masen's cup of milk before getting up so fast she almost fell backwards.
"Uhm…thank you so much for a lovely and entertaining evening," Doctor Diego mumbled quietly, slowly getting up. "Dinner was delicious."
"Diego, let's go!"
"You're very welcome, Diego," I smiled softly. "Whenever you're in town-"
"Diego! NOW!" Bree stormed out of the dining room.
"Uh…you have a lovely family. Very…loving," Diego added quickly before running after his wife.
We sat there – speechless - for about fifteen minutes.
Well, all of us except Masen. He was still in the bathroom - singing to himself.
Finally, Edward drew in a long, deep breath and let it out slowly. He narrowed his eyes first at his eldest daughter, then at the other.
"I don't even know what to say to you two…"
I shook my head in total agreement, my arms crossed against my chest.
"…except…that…this seriously turned out to be one of the most entertaining nights of my life!" he chuckled.
I whipped my head towards Edward. He was beaming at both girls like they'd just been accepted into Harvard.
"What? She called our kids the spawn of the devil!"
"They were hardly angels tonight, Edward!"
"Did you hear the crap coming out of her mouth?" He asked, pointing in the direction of the door from where Bree and Diego had disappeared a quarter of an hour ago. "I just think it's a shame that she didn't get to try her salad or tofu! Maia, what exactly was in-"
"Fine, fine, fine!" he conceded. And then with another huff, "Girls, you do see why, regardless of how much I may or may not have enjoyed tonight's entertainment, I have to punish you, don't you?"
Both girls had the decency to wipe the grins off their faces and drop their heads.
"Yes, Daddy," they mumbled.
"Whether or not Bree deserved it, what you two did tonight and what you involved your little brother in, was wrong."
"And Maia, I assume this was your idea?"
"It was, Daddy."
"So you see why your punishment has to be greater."
Edward sighed. "Fine, go to your rooms. We'll finish talking about this later."
Both girls got up, heads down, shoulders sagging, and headed out of the dining room.
And then just beyond the threshold, in the sudden silence of the big, comfy house, we heard the definite sounds of hands high-fiving each other.
"Totally worth every single second of punishment that will cost me."
"Yeah, it was," Jamie giggled in agreement.
"Thanks for your help, little sis. Sorry you got punished."
"That's okay, Maia. I love you."
"Love you too, munchkin."
Edward and I cracked up quietly.
"So…if we thought the events of thirteen years ago couldn't be topped, we were obviously wrong. You think in thirteen more years we can try catching up with Bree again?"
Edward snorted. "Love, I think that if you attempt this again in thirteen more years, Maia's kids will be ready to 'catch up' with Bree."
I chuckled heartily.
Edward stood up from the disaster of a table, chuckling and shaking his head as he looked at the mess. He walked over to me slowly, a wide, sexy smile on his lips. Yes, my husband was forty now, but he was still so damn hot - hair full and wild, that jaw that made crazy things jump around in the pit of my tummy, body still slamming - as fit and strong as a guy in his twenties – or a 'David' statue in Florence.
My thighs kegeled away, completely forgetting about the catastrophe of a night because I could tell by the slow, hungry smile that Edward was sporting that he had something else in mind to cap off our evening.
He took my hand in his, lacing our fingers and helping me up, his eyes boring into mine.
"Come here, you she-devil that used all your feminine wiles to catch me," he smirked in a low, velvet voice. "What say we go practice spawning some more horribly misbehaved little monsters?"
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders while he pulled me flush against him, trailing my fingers into the nape of his neck and loving the way he hummed low in his chest.
"I think that sounds like one mighty yummy-"
A toilet flushed and little footsteps scurried into the dining room. Mase, still pulling up his pants, looked up at us and frowned.
"Hey, where'd everyone go? I thought we were having a party up in here!"
Hope you all enjoyed this three-part outtake!
I'll be posting a new story soon. Put me on Author/Story Alert if you're interested. And for little teasers, follow me on Twitter (PattyRosa817), or go to 'Stories by Pattyrose' on facebook (link on my profile).