A/N: This has been sitting in my oneshot folder for Asmodeus knows how long, so I decided to upload it at last. Credit goes to Mistman_X, Illuminati_47 and a couple of other people for the basis of this fic, and most of the general plot (or lack of plot). Most of what I did was type it up. So here we are...
The Diary of the Lord of the First
Failed to pay my rent today. The devil who owns the building decided that, as I'd been late paying twice, he'd go to the 'interesting' bit of the contract for my lease of the place. As such, he transformed me into a lemure. Now he's decided he's going to use me as ammunition in the Blood War.
I was fired out of a cannon, but missed my target. Am currently being beaten repeatedly by a dwarf with a non-magical hammer. Doesn't he know lemures are immune to non-magic weapons? Or are we? I forget, they might have changed it in 3rd or 4th edition...
The dwarf is still hitting me. Other than that, nothing to report.
The dwarf died of exhaustion. Because I killed somebody while a lemure, I got raised to a pit fiend.
Raised an army to work for the ruler of the first hell, Avernus, then betrayed and overthrew her. Am now ruler of the first hell, and that dwarf's soul has just arrived. I'll have fun with this...
That dwarf has been consigned to be repeatedly hit with a non-magical hammer, forever.
It's still Tuesday. I'll have to talk to Asmodeus about that.
Asmodeus told me that 'Tuesday' is a month here since he said it was a few weeks back. Will just have to wait for next month...
I forgot of course, that months here are rather longer than on the mortal planes. Oh well.
A celestial paladin managed to break into my home. It was quite distressing, but I killed him. I then turned my guards into lemures for their incompetence.
The paladin's daughter, a half-blood, turned up, and wanted to kill me. Instead, I suggested a beach party on the 4th level of Elysium. She seemed to like the idea. She's also quite pretty...
Oh crap... I woke up this morning with a hangover, next to that half-celestial chick. This could be bad... As in really bad... as in...
The chick turned up, and told me, she's pregnant. This is really not good...
She gave birth today... it's a boy. Celeste (yeah, that's the chick's name, unimaginative on her parents' part) is trying to persuade me to hurry up with our wedding. I never even asked her to marry me...
That bitch I overthrew to become the lord of this place decided to overthrow me. The cheek! So now, for financial reasons, I'm a lemure again.
Oh well, at least it means the wedding's off for a while.
My son beat up that bitch and gave me my throne back (they grow up so fast... no, seriously, he's only 67 days old). Now I really can't argue with Celeste.
We finished the month! And the year... it's a one-month year...
I finally convinced Asmodeus to change to a Wednesday!
Asmodeus decided he likes Tuesday more than Wednesday...
My wedding's set for next week... help!
Somebody evidently answered my prayers. I am a lemure again... not sure if that's an improvement.
Celeste still dragged me to the alter... although I couldn't say 'I do,' so they had to get the local psion in to marry us.
Half-way through the ceremony, I decided enough was enough, and transformed back into a pit fiend. It looks like the wedding is postponed again, as I accidentally killed that psion who was conducting the ceremony.
Oh gods... I'm actually married now... it's scary. If I do anything wrong now, Celeste will probably kill me. Actually, she's more likely to beat me back into a lemure...