Change of Heart
When it came down to it I knew that I wanted him. Hell even he knew about my attraction to him. There was this unmistakable pull that had my insides churning from desire. Nothing had ever felt this intense. The connection was present all the time, but I couldn't do anything about it right now. There were too many pairs of eyes that could be watching our every move. Too many chances for someone to figure out that I wasn't the person they thought me to be. There was only one thing that I feared more than my attraction to him. That one thing was for everyone else to figure it out. While the need for him was strong the need to remain on top of the social food chain was stronger. Or so I thought.
I stood at the pool table in the Mystic Grill. Matt was currently taking his shot and so I took the chance to look around to see who all was present. That was when my eyes landed on him. He sat with his sister smiling slightly. His wore a black V-Neck tee shirt that clung to his torso and showed the physique that he had hidden underneath. His blue jean clad legs were crossed at the ankles as he sipped a coke through a straw. He seemed so at ease….so peaceful. His presence seemed to wash over me and I had to fight the urge to move over to where he was. Nothing would have made me happier than being able to wrap him up in my arms and hold him close. To smell his fragrance and feel whatever skin he had exposed. But my luck wasn't that good. There were too many people here. Too many witnesses that went to school with us.
Matt broke through my train of thought and I soon regretted staring so openly at the youngest Gilbert. "Why don't you just tell him?" I turned my attention to my best friend and then finally spoke.
"You know very well why I can't tell him. There is just too much at risk." I looked back at Jeremy and for a brief second we made eye contact before he blushed slightly and looked away. I heard Matt sigh behind me.
"Maybe he would understand your need for secrecy. You don't know until you confront him." I continued to watch Jeremy. Thirty seconds later Matt was standing on my left hand side.
"Yes but confronting him could be the one thing that ensures that I lose everything." Matt's hand came to rest on my shoulder as he responded.
"Or maybe the thing you need to notice is that without confronting him you are ensuring that have already lost everything." Matt moved his hand. "You risk much more by not telling him how you feel than just your social standings."
"Oh Yea? What will I lose if I don't tell him?"
"First your happiness, then yourself, but more importantly, you will lose him." And then Matt was walking off. I hated it when he was right and right now I knew that his words were true. It sucks! I can't even act the part in front of my best friend how can I become the person that Jeremy needs?
I left the Mystic Grill with many thoughts going through my head and a frown on my face. Not to mention the fact that I left alone and wondering what if.
It was two weeks before I laid eyes on Jeremy again. We were in the hallway at school. Of course we kept our distance. He was at his locker on one end of the hall and I was at mine on the other. He kept sneaking glances at me but I refused to acknowledge him. Even the slightest difference in my behavior could be enough to let someone in this school catch on to my true thoughts…my true emotions. I chanced one more glance in his direction before I closed my locker, but when I looked that way he was already gone. It was getting harder to stay away. It was becoming more of a chore to force my body to reject the person that it yearned for. But it had to be done. There is no point in being with him if I lose everything. Because then what will I have to give to him. My goal is to not be the one receiving, but to be the one to give him the world.
"What are you thinking about Tyler?" I turned to see the smiling face of Caroline Forbes. She was the last person that I needed to talk to right now. Besides being the bossiest person that I knew she was also the one who gossiped the most. I didn't need her broadcasting this to the entire school and town like it was the biggest story ever. Well it kind of is. Since when does Tyler Lockwood-THETyler Lockwood fall for someone? You are always using one person to get to the next, so I think that this is pretty big. I cursed at myself inwardly, hating the truth that rung forth from those thoughts.
"Nothing just trying to make sure that I have everything for class." I closed the locker and started down the hall.
"And since when do you care about the preparations for class?" There was a smug undertone in her voice. One that I really did not like.
"Since now. Is that a problem for you?" I shot her a glare.
"Jeez Tyler, take a chill pill. I was simply making conversation. No need to kill me for it." Stopping in the middle of the hall I turned to Caroline.
"Look I'm not really in the mood and I am having a very bad day. So can you please just leave me alone?"
"Fine Tyler, Goodbye." She stormed off without a glance back.
Screw class. I'm not in the mood for this today! So I made my way to the parking lot, climbed in my car, and sped off. As I drove to nowhere in particular my thoughts went back to the Gilbert who seemed to have my heart.
One week later I had come to the conclusion that staying away from Jeremy was just too much to bear. I was still not ready to voice my affections to the public but I was ready to convince the boy of my fantasies to give me a chance. That was how I found myself in front of the Gilbert home knocking on the door. My breath hitched when I heard the lock turn and then Jeremy was standing there facing me. He was so beautiful. So much so that I was completely speechless. I had come here for a reason and before he had opened the door I knew exactly what I wanted to say. But that seemed to go right out the window once the door was opened and I was face to face with Jeremy. His mouth quirked a little and I could tell that he was shocked and nervous. He started to bite his bottom lip and I had to fight very hard not to reach out and run my thumb along his lip until he let go.
"Um Tyler, what are you doing here?"
"Can we talk inside please? This is kind of a private matter." He studied my face for a while before he moved aside to allow me to enter. I walked in and waited as he closed and locked the door. He looked at me expectantly and I glanced up the stairs before looking back him. He nodded before leading the way to his bedroom. Once we were inside his room and the door was closed I spoke.
"I need you Jeremy." He looked confused as he responded.
"Need me for what?"
"For everything." This was not coming out the way that I had rehearsed it. "Look what I am trying to say is that I like you…..a lot. While I'm not ready to confess how I feel about you to the entire world, I can no longer stay away from you. Basically what I am saying is that I am attracted you-I mean like extremely attracted to you."
"So what, you want to date?" I nodded because I couldn't swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. Rejection had never sat well with me and the last thing that I needed was for Jeremy to reject me. "But you don't want anyone to know about it?" Again I nodded.
He moved across the room and sat on the bed. There was a look of thoughtfulness that covered his face. He was considering it. That was better than the response that I thought that I would get. I had been expecting outrage and disgust. But there was no hostility in his eyes. Only shock, confusion, and-was that longing? So Jeremy wanted me just has much as I wanted him? So what was there for him to think about?
"Jeremy?" He didn't look up. "Jer? Please look at me." As he looked up I moved to kneel in front of him. I grabbed his hands and held them in mine. Instantly there was a sense of calm that clouded my senses. His presence had my body reacting instantaneously. Forcing down all of my urges I focused on his face and gave his hands a gentle squeeze.
"Jer, I know that we haven't been on the best terms and I shouldn't have been avoiding you these past few weeks. I care about you….a lot. Just give me a chance. That's all that I am asking for." He nodded. "So that's a yes?"
"Yes, Tyler that is a yes." Elated I couldn't hold back any longer. Leaning forward I pressed my lips to his. He was hesitant at first, but then his arms were around my neck. His lips were soft and gentle. There was the distinct taste of apples and I was instantly hooked. I traced my tongue along his bottom lip asking for entrance. Jeremy responded immediately opening his mouth so that my tongue could explore him further. Our tongues danced as we battled for dominance. Jeremy slowly gave in and I took control of the kiss, deepening it before we had to pull away for air. Jeremy rested his forehead against mine. At that moment I couldn't help but smile.
Two months after I had confronted Jeremy and we had experienced our first kiss we ended up in the Mystic Grill at the same time. We had not arrived together nor were we interacting with each other. Our relationship was still a secret only the necessary people knowing anything about it. One of those people being my best friend. I found it ironic that we were in the same place that we had been almost three months ago. Jeremy was sharing a table with his sister while I stood at the pool table with Matt. Jeremy hadn't glanced at me all night and that kind of bothered me, but not as much as Damon sitting at the table flirting with him. Jeremy was openly gay and had been way before we had decided to hook up so it was understandable that guys were still hitting on him, but that didn't mean that I liked it. Actually it was really starting to piss me off. But I couldn't do anything about that right now. Not without drawing unwanted attention to myself. Even that knowledge wasn't enough to ease the tension that had settled in my stomach.
"Why don't you just go over there and talk to him. No one has to know that it is more than what it seems." I turned to glare at Matt before I looked back at Jeremy and caught the eye of Damon. Damon smirked as he winked at me and I felt my rage grow. There was burning desire to rip his throat out.
"Because Jeremy should know that I'm the jealous type. Besides we are in a committed relationship so he shouldn't even be flirting with other guys."
"Really, Tyler? You told him to continue to act the way he did before you two got together. You are the one who wants to hide behind him. So you really can't be mad that he is doing what you asked."
"Whatever Matt….just let it go!" Matt raised his hands in a sign of surrender. That was when Jeremy got up from the table and moved to walk towards the door. Before he even made it completely out of his chair Damon had a hold on his arm and was saying something that had Jeremy blushing a deep red. Once Jeremy was out the door I said my hasty goodbye to Matt and then left to go after him.
"Jeremy!" He turned around and smiled.
"Hi Ty, What's up?" Instead of answering his question I moved to the alley beside the Mystic Grill. Jeremy followed with a confused look plastered on his face. "Tyler, what is going on?"
"What were you doing flirting with Damon?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"Really? All this is about Damon. You should know that I have no interest in Damon. I'm with you."
"Am I really supposed to know that, because from the way it looked in there you were single and ready to mingle." I knew he could hear the venom that was in my voice, even I could hear it.
"Tyler you are so full of it! When we started this you told me that I should act the way I did before we got together! Pretend as if this never happened out in public so that no one would suspect. You made that decision!"
"But that didn't mean that you could-"
"What about you!" Jeremy shouted cutting me off. "What about all the girls that I have had to watch you flirt with to keep up with appearances! You know what? I'm through with this!"
"What do you mean?"
He sighed deeply. "I'm not going to play with these rules that you are making up as you go. Either you want this or you don't! Which is it Tyler because I am tired, so tired of all the conditions that you place within the agreement whenever It suits you." When I didn't answer he turned to leave.
"Jer, where are you going?"
"You know where to find me if you make the decision that you should have made from the beginning." With that being all he had left to say he left me standing there in the alley alone.
It didn't take long before the regret set in and the separation became too much. Jeremy had become a fixture in my life that couldn't be replaced. The hold that he had on my heart was permanent. There was an empty feeling that accompanied not feeling his touch, kissing him, or simply being in his presence. Nothing felt right without knowing that Jeremy would always be there when needed. I felt incomplete. Like a chunk of my soul was missing and that didn't sit well with me. So that is how I found myself sitting in the car in the school parking lot trying to not have a panic attack. Breathe in. Breathe out. I kept repeating the mantra in my head, bracing myself for what I was about to do. The clock on my dashboard read 8 o'clock. I opened the door, climbed out, and made my way into the school.
As soon as I entered I gauged the amount of traffic in the hallway. It was instinctive and I was trying so hard not to back out. If I wanted Jeremy back by my side I was going to have to do this. There was no other way. So I clamped down on the nerves and fear and started to scope the crowd for Jeremy. When my eyes finally landed on him he was at his locker talking to some girl that had a huge smile plastered in her face. I didn't know who she was, but I could feel the jealousy rearing its ugly head. Now is not the time to act like a caveman, Lockwood. I knew that but I couldn't seem to help myself. Well you better learn before you lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. It was the truth. Jeremy was my everything. Nothing would be the same without him.
With that thought in mind I made my way through the crowd of students, ignoring the few greetings that were thrown my way, toward the one person who understood me completely. As I got closer I noticed that the girl had spotted me. Her eyes opened wide with shock and I couldn't keep the smirk off my face. She reached out to let Jeremy know that I was coming until I shook my head. Her hand dropped instantly and Jeremy remained oblivious to my approach.
Once I reached Jeremy I wrapped my arms around his waist and place a quick kiss to the back of his neck. Jeremy flinched away from the contact then looked over his shoulder. I felt his body tense against mine as he looked around to see who was paying attention. I wasn't going to follow his eyes because this was hard enough as it was. So I leaned closer to whisper into his ear.
"Why so tense, Jer?" He looked back at me with a look that just screamed 'Are you really asking that'. I smiled at him and then he relaxed a little.
"Tyler, what are you doing?"
"Isn't it obvious? I'm holding my boyfriend before class. Why is that a problem because I can let go." I began to unwrap my arms from his body to emphasis my point. Before my hands could move completely he covered mine with his. I smiled as I tightened my grip on him.
"No I, I'm just confused. I thought you weren't ready for this."
"Jeremy the only thing that I am not ready for is being without you. Actually I don't think that I will ever be ready to let you go. You are my world. You mean everything to me. So if I have to come out to all of Mystic Falls to keep you happy then I will." I kissed his neck again. "I love you." The words were whispered into his ear and instantly I felt Jeremy lean into my embrace.
"I love you too." He looked around again. "You know that the entire student body is staring at us right?" I looked up for the first time.
"Well what do you know, you're right." I heard Jeremy chuckle and the sound sent jolts of joy shooting through my body. I realized at that point that I would do anything to hear that musical sound again.
"Well I'm glad that you had a change of heart, Ty." I had never told him but I loved it when he called me Ty. Yes all of my friends called me that, but it just sounded so different coming from Jeremy. It just seemed more intimate when he spoke the nickname.
"So am I, love….So am I."
A/N: SO what did you think? Good? Bad? Please Review! Until Next Time! See Ya :-D