disclaimer: i do not own anything. Ideas, now those are mine.

by BigBenMitchell

As Carly lies down on the wide grass field, her head's up in the sky. The sky is orange somehow, but with a hint of pink in it. She likes it. The grass tickles the side of her face and she lightly giggles to herself. Its sunset, a few couple of minutes more, and the sky are going to get dark. Something tells her she should leave now, go back home, do whatever it is she has to do... but something much bigger tells her to just stay. And she wants to stay- no; she needs to stay, only for a little while if possible.

She heard laughter coming from her right side and her lips couldn't help but to form a smile. She knew that laugh anywhere. Sam's. And as Carly turns her head to her right, she could make out the image of Sam in someone's arm, someone's that older now, boarder and way mature than he was almost a decade ago. Freddie's arm. He's smiling at her and he's wrapping his arms around her from behind. He's whispering something against her cheek and the blond listens, before bursting out laughing again. He laughs too, not as loud as her, but enough to show that he's enjoying their moment together. Carly blinks, because something stirs deep in her stomach.

She turns her head back to focus on the sky. Something did stir in her stomach. She doesn't know why she's feeling all of these, ever since the beginning, but she did (and does). She likes the fact that they're together, she happy for them. But at the same time, all she wants to do is run... far, far away because she couldn't accept it. She couldn't accept them. She couldn't accept that he's happy when he's with Sam. Maybe because all of her life before, she had always thought that Freddie would be there, the one who's going to love her, more than just a friend, even if he has to go through hell. That's just how she pictures him. The one who's going to say something soothing, because he's good like that with words, when she's hurting and she's completely lost, the one that's going to offer his shoulder when she needs it to cry on willingly because he just loves her that much, the one that accepts her just the way she is and knows her like a book- that's who he is, that's who he had always been in Carly's head. And seeing as now he's with Sam, all that thought seems to disappear into thin air.

She needs him. She needs his arms around her and just stands there when she needs someone to lean on. She wants to feel his lips on her temple and nuzzle against his shoulder. She want to feel his strong big hand lacing his fingers with hers tiny, lean ones. And she needs to hear his voice, whispering that everything would be okay when she wakes up screaming from a nightmare during the nights, because she dreamt of her mother, and her father who died not too long ago. He's always been fine with his words when it comes to her. Maybe because he just knew her that long to know what's the right thing to say, or that he knew much more of her than she knows herself and knew how to take care of her carefully, she doesn't know. She just needs him. She needs his touch, his lips, his words, his smiles, his hair between his fingers, his eyes on her, his hands holding her waist, his legs tangle with hers as they lay down- she needs that and she's greedy. Because he's no longer for her, his hands are around Sam, his lips are kissing Sam, his smiles are for Sam, not her. Not anymore. He's no longer the boy next door who has this ultimate crush on her.

Her fingers grace on her eyes and she just realize how dry they are. She's no longer the peppy girl everyone saw and love on iCarly. She's broken at her best. Yes, she still smiles and laughs like she did almost a decade ago- but her laughs and smiles are emptier, shallower and plain pathetic. Maybe because her mother dies in front of her, or that his father didn't die in front of her, or that Spencer is drunk somewhere, she doesn't know. Hell, she doesn't want to know. She's not happy. Not as happy when she was a teenager. Maybe that's why she wakes up screaming during the nights, because she's scarred that deep and she knows nobody's ever going to see it. Not Sam and not even Freddie. Not when he's way too happy to be worrying of her or to even think of her, really. As another rang of laughter breaks from her right side, she knew she isn't supposed to be so selfish and ruins her best friends' happiness. She smiles to herself, to the sky above, because she's helpless and nobody even notices.

Maybe he did notice her. He did notice how her eyes are tired to even stay awake sometimes, or the way she never listens to anything, just lost in her own world, or how puffy her face is from all the crying she would do during the nights because he did once, only once, looks at her right through her eyes and asks, "Are you okay, Carly?" It was so hard, so hard to block his gaze from breaking through her walls that she has been so hard to build. So she glanced down and shook her head. "I'm fine," she said, a little too quickly for her own taste and she can see the way his eyes, the way it shows how he is unconvinced and somehow, she begs him, through her eyes so that he wouldn't press the subject further. He presses his lips together and nods, "alright, then," before moving to open a new subject. So yeah, maybe he did notice her, how she's secretly hurts inside, but he never really do anything about it. It happened a long time ago, she wonders if he even remembers it.

She wonders a lot these days. She wonders what would happened if her mother is still alive. She misses her. She would have known what to say to her. She would have be the one to see her through and try to patch her up if she could. But she isn't here, and Carly knew she was alone. Sure, she has Spencer, but nowadays, he's too preoccupied with bottles, handling his own issue as if he's the one that hurts by their father's death. But she could see in his eyes, every time she came to his house and was about to go home, the way his eyes apologize for what he is today. Apologize because he couldn't be there for her this time. Apologize because he knew she's hurt just as much and deeply as he is, but he couldn't do anything to fix it. And she nods her head, because as much as she hates the state he's in, she understands him too.

She couldn't breathe when Freddie's laughter rings from where he is with Sam. She wonders if he would ever laugh like that when he's with her. Her chest tightens when she grips the grass in her palm so tightly, because she knows she's not gripping his shirt, like she should. She wants to run, to dig a hole, to fly even because she's suffocating just by thinking of him. She tries too hard but still, even if he's far away, she couldn't breathe. Carly brings her palm to cover both of her eyes and lets herself to stay that way. She thinks of Freddie's smile or his laughter or the way he looks at her... but she can't help but to think it's all for Sam now. She's no longer his crush, or the one he will forever try to make her like him, or... fuck, when did it suddenly starts raining?

She feels her chest heaved and she lets out a whimper that shows just how broken she really is. She's crying. It's not rain that she feels, she's crying. And she cries even harder, because she's selfish. She shouldn't have this feeling towards him, but yet she does. She's trying to ruin their happiness for her own selfish needs. But at least she doesn't do anything about it, right? She doesn't go all crazy and tried stealing him away.

She just drowns herself in her nightmare and ended up crying for the rest of her nights.

She wonders which one is worse.

Slowly, Carly removes her hands from her eyes and stare back to the sky. It's more orange now and it's darker. She could see stars, it's hard to spot it but she did and she's smiling because of it. Slowly, her tongue rolls out lyrics of a song she felt secure on singing. As if she's floating when she sang it, and for a second, she hears her mother voice that had sung the song.

I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up

Suddenly, she hears Sam screams. It confuses Carly for a second, until she yells a "Yes! Oh my god, yes! Yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes!" Carly smiles and closes her eyes. She wants to lie down on the grass for a while. She feels the needs to be one with the wind, to feel how light they feel. She wants the wind to take her away from there. She doesn't want to imagine Freddie slipping the ring on Sam's finger or the tears that will run down Sam's face. The lyrics of the song continue to play in her mind, and for a second, she's in her own world, where she's happy and everything's a lot better. She doesn't hear the ruckus or the clapping from the distant as Sam's happily yells something. And for a minute or two, Carly Shay is happy once again, even though she feels like she is dancing barefooted on a thousand broken glasses. The tear that broke down from her eyes rolls down the side of her face and falls off to the ground. She's holding a smile, maybe a sad one, maybe a happy one, it doesn't matter. For a minute or two, Carly feels free and happy, and it's all she's going to need. For now.

oh wow. I know it's bad. But I'm in a rush. Also, this is my first Creddie. Be nice, alright?