Title: Queen of Rain – A songfic of sorts.
Genre: CSI MIAMI Angst/Relationship
Paring: Horatio and Calleigh
Timeline: Reflective – Cannon – Current.
Spoilers: Many implied.
Summery: Looking back at our time together… How is it that you never saw it?
Disclaimer: Once upon a time, there was a team of writers who created these characters… And then a huge conglomerate forced them to stop growing them. I guess it's up to us Fanfic writers to continue now.
Author notes: The original version was more of a reflection, however with the fandom in a state of shock at the news, the underlying storyline was changed during editing. This is on its own way a companion for "As One Door Closes", but you don't need to read that one to grasp the storyline.
Warning: It gets a bit derisory in places.
Written: March 2012
Recovered: 6 April
Expanded and edited: May 2012
Word count: 1,936 (excluding lyrics)
Trigger: Queen of Rain by Roxette – one of their lesser-known songs. I have a philosophical muse… read the words… you'll understand why.
In that big-big house, there are fifty doors and one of them leads to your heart.
In the time of spring, I passed your gate and tried to make a start.
All I knew; was the scent of sea and you.
I've been in love before how about you?
Calleigh stood looking at the back of the man they most revered, and if anyone challenged her, she would claim she did so more than all the others combined did. She had at first thought him fearless, a man larger than life. However, with time, she had come to see past that elusive persona he exhibits. She had come to see the man behind that persona, the person who could so effortlessly place other's welfare before his own, who so vehemently fought for justice. She had seen the sadness and loneliness he felt. She also knew that it was in his quiet, reflective moments, like now, that he fought hardest to contain the demons that drove him. His sense of justice was unparalleled. He had driven the team hard over the years in his quest to right the wrongs the criminal minds inflicted on society, to ensure justice for the victims – and even more so if they happened to be women or children. His anger had all too often been the driving force behind his actions, tightly controlled and channelled to extort maximum effectiveness in his merciless perusal.
It had been so easy for her to fall in love with him. He might be ruthless in his perusal of a criminal, he was however the most thoughtful and considerate person when it came to their victims. She had learnt from him how to channel her anger, to allow it to become the driving force behind her actions, lending her the strength to continue when she felt like crumbling. That evidence does not pick sides and neither should she. That one should not trust, but verify… with the exception of him. Horatio she trusted with her life, she did not need to question his drive, his motives or his sincerity. For ten years she has stood next to him, and he has never given her a reason to question him in a professional capacity…
In a personal capacity, they have possibly been the most painful ten years of her life. It is difficult to love a man like him, one so completely oblivious of the fact. She cannot recount the amount of times she had felt her heart break in that time, and every time she found some means of validating it, and his actions. She had lapped up his every compliment, always eager for more, needing more. Even the times she had steeled herself against him, tried to distance herself from him, it took one compliment and her heart would flutter anew.
He was a lonely man, looking out over Miami's landscape. His path had seeming been alone, accept for those he commanded, and she has not heard a single word of his involvement with anyone. She often wondered at that. If the absolute determination he attached to his life's work left room for a relationship, or even himself.
Rumour has it that he was single, had been for a long time, well effectively since Marisol.
In that big old house there are fifty beds and one of them leads to your soul,
it's a bed of fear, a bed of threats, regrets and sheets so cold.
All I knew; your eyes are velvet blue.
I've been in love before how about you.
At some stage, she had flirted with the idea that he could be interested in her, He had flirted with her, and she returned it…only he never followed up on it. She was raised a southern girl – which meant that men pursue women, not the other way around. Also, with Horatio being a gentleman, he would not want to be pursued. He was a hunter by nature he would want to chase, not be chased.
She had however quickly come to realize his partiality for brunettes. Meagan had captured his interest when she had still been at the Lab. Calleigh could never discern if it was because of his concern for her, or whether there was deeper feelings involved. Then there was Yelena. A responsibility he had taken onto himself, because of their familial tie. Calleigh knew that Horatio's feelings for Yelena were complex, but he had always placed her happiness above his own. The extent of their history she has never fully discovered, honestly, she was unsure whether she even wanted to. Then there had been Suzie and Madison. She still vividly remembers the first time she saw Horatio with the little girl. Had noticed their likeness, and how her gut had wrenched at that. As well as the immediate sense of resentment she had felt towards Suzie, at the mere thought that the woman could have been that intimate with him… The utter longing she had felt when she had looked at Madison, and saw what his children would look like. Even after she discovered that Madison was Ray's daughter, she could not help the yearning that overcame her, whenever the girl and her mother visited.
And then there had been Marisol. At first she had not seen her as too much of a treat. She had been Eric's sister, and a suspect. Calleigh had reasoned that his sense of reasoning would not be impaired by her charms. However, she had greatly misjudged his attraction to the woman, and hers to him. Because by the time she realized just how much Marisol had come to mean to him, her own heart had been shattered. Back then, all she could do was damage control… so she had befriended Marisol, because she could not afford to estrange Horatio, as much as it had hurt. Her heart had wept the morning they had gotten married, it had been so quiet, so private, and she had not even been present… Afterwards she felt guilty, because somewhere deep inside her, in that part she refused to acknowledge even existed, she had wanted to be rid of the woman.
His pain had been the worst to face. To realize that he had truly loved Marisol, would have spent the rest of his life with her, humbled Calleigh. There were few who could love as honestly, as intensely and so completely, and she had come to accept then that her love for him would always be the most painful type there is – unrequited.
There is a time for the good in life, a time kill the pain in life,
Dream about the sun you queen of rain.
It's time to place to your bets in life, I play the losers game of life,
Dream about the sun you queen of rain.
That name alone could provoke anger and absolute agony at the same time within Calleigh. Unlike Suzie, Julia had shared that level of intimacy with him. She had even birthed him a son. Every time Calleigh had looked upon the boy, seen Horatio in him, her heart had crumbled a little more, her souls had died in small increments. Coming to term with the reality, that that woman had given him possibly the greatest gift their could be, and had then hidden it from him. That she had stolen something so meaningful from him, especially with Horatio being the person he was.
She had so often over the years thought that he should have children of his own. He loved children, had an ingrained need to protect them. She always could picture him as a father. It had been one of the many things that had drawn her to him. His announcement that he had a son; had cut her like a knife. The fact that someone, another woman, had been as close to him, had shared something with him she would willingly sell her soul for to experience… She had not expected a sixteen year old, had not expected to see the pain of the situation so obviously reflected in his eyes. She had had a difficult enough time processing and coming to terms with the murderous sentiments she had felt towards the woman. Wholly unable to understand how someone could hurt him as much. How someone could have been that close to him, and had not realized what type of a person he was. Calleigh did not care what the circumstances were, or had been. Horatio had had a right to know that he had fathered a child.
She still vividly remembers the conflicting emotions that filed her that day they came to take him away. How she had fought the desire to oppose everything, having the distinct feeling that she was unlikely to see him again. How she had regretted the things she had never had the courage to say to him.
However, she had had her own problems to contend with soon enough, she still remembers the gloomy outlook she had had, thinking they were unlikely to find her in time… that he was not part of the team looking for her. She only hoped that the others would find the trail she'd left them. She would never forget the elation that had flooded her when she had entered that poker room to see Eric, Tripp and Wolfe. But it had been his voice, its timbre as it had filled the room that had her nearly collapse with gratitude. The moment it had registered in her mind, and the reality of his presence had been confirmed, she had been overwhelmed with a depth of relief more profound than any other she had ever experienced since, or before. Even after his supposed death, it had never matched to that day.
Horatio has cheated death so many times already. She knew that it would only be a matter of time before it would catch up with him. She somehow knew that next time he would not be as lucky, and considered that maybe it was for the best that they were no longer to work together. For she was uncertain whether she would be able to cope with something like that, on her watch.
She had in the past believed that he drew some comfort from her presence. She had even at times caught him looking at her with a peculiar expression on his face, almost as if he was trying to figure her out. However, this last week he had seemed less inclined to seek her out. He was dealing with things in his ever-efficient manner, as she knew he would continue to do once she had left.
Being separated from him would possibly enable her to finally process her feelings for him, to start her new life with a clean slate. She knew that she would never bear her own children, for he was too encased in his own fortress to even recognize that she loved him, had loved him or so long. She knew there could never be anything between them. She could not even casually touch him, unlike like with the others. There has always been too much awareness, too much desire from her side. She knew that if she ever gave into that desire, that if she truly touched him, she would be unable to stop her hands from fully exploring his body. She would memorize the contours of his body with her fingertips…
She has long since given up on the hope of a little Madison or Kyle of her own, and she has never really been willing to settle for second best. Austin and Patty needed her, and they were so easy to love. She knew that they would fulfil her days, would lend her a purpose.
She knew that she would never be able to truly let go of the man before her. He was too deeply ingrained in her being. How was she supposed to say goodbye and walk away from the only man who has ever treated her as an equal, who has been there with her through the last ten years of her life, has never judged her, and has always supported her decisions and stood behind her. She couldn't, but somehow she had to.
Looking back at our time together… How is it that you never saw it Horatio? Why could you never look my way? I can't say good-bye – I'm not ready to… But I have to.
Time went by as I wrote your name in the sky.
Fly-fly away, bye-bye.