"This is for half of your grade, so I expect you to do excellently," the teacher said, passing out papers. Everyone assumed it was some sort of test. They were right – sort of. "Those with failing grades will retake the entire semester, do I make myself clear? That means, basically, that all of you will have to retake the semester. In order to succeed, you must proceed to exceed, understand?"
"I thought this was social studies?" Kisame asked slowly. The teacher slammed both hands onto the desk, causing all of the students to pull back in terror.
"You will not fail!" she screamed. "I can't survive another year here, do you understand me?! I will kill you myself if you don't get a passing grade!"
"Now we're talking," Hidan said interestedly, leaning forward.
"Take a look at the papers," the teacher said dismissively, sitting down. Everyone looked down simultaneously. There was a moment of silence.
"This had better not be what it sounds like," Itachi said, pointing down at the paper with disgust. The teacher smiled grimly.
"Exactly," she said. "I will now proceed to write down all of the pairings I have decided on for best results. Believe me; I slaved over this to pair the most trustworthy ones with the least trustworthy ones. We didn't have enough trustworthy ones to go around, so some of you are guaranteed to fail."
"I'm glad to see you have so much confidence in our abilities," Kakuzu muttered.
"Now!" the teacher shrieked, causing another mass recoil. She whipped around to the blackboard behind her and got a piece of chalk, holding it like a sword. She began to write. The next few minutes were spent in silence as the students strained to see what the teacher was writing. Finally, she triumphantly threw the chalk to the floor and pointed.
"Form your pairs and gather in the back of the classroom to await your babies!" she called. Tobi looked up suddenly from his paper.
"Where do babies come in? I only just got to 'welcome, student of class 4-E!'"
"Each pair will be charged with caring for one baby for a week," the teacher explained. "It's not flour sacks either – they're electronic. You have to feed them, rock them, burp them, change dirty diapers, and more. You had better take good care of them, because they are very expensive. Did you not hear me? Form pairings according to this chart I have painstakingly written out!"
Everyone began grumbling as they got up from their seats, took a look at the blackboard, and went looking for their teammate. Deidara made a face as Tobi threw his arms around him, and Deidara tried to get him off.
Sasuke Uchiha, in the back corner, was staring in horror at the blackboard.
"Come to my arms, husband!"
Sasuke stepped to one side easily, dodging the flying redhead. Out of all the possible pairings, he was the one left with Miss Karin. Kill me now and get it over with, he thought. He looked over at his older brother, who didn't seem to be doing much better. He had also been paired with a fanatic girl.
Itachi turned around. There was a girl with bright pink hair, looking slightly embarrassed, standing there. She pointed in the general direction of the blackboard.
"Are you… uh… Itachi Uchiha?" she asked hopefully. "I'm Sakura."
Itachi was able to keep a straight face somehow.
Deidara and Tobi were paired, Kisame and Zetsu, of all people, Pein and Konan, and Kakuzu and Hidan. Once they were all in their pairs (Sasuke was trying and failing to peel Karin off of him) the teacher cleared her throat. Everyone snapped to attention.
"Let the babies commence," the teacher said, causing some embarrassed coughs among the female-male pairings. The teacher scowled. "I meant here," she said, and hauled up a box. "Come to the front of the class with your 'wife' or 'husband' to claim your baby. They're all girls, so don't be picky."
Itachi deflated. There would be no Itachi Uchiha Junior, as he had dreamed so many times. There would be no male child to carry on the Uchiha bloodline. He was sixteen, he had a wife and a child, and the child was a girl. Kill me now and get it over with, he thought. He saw Tobi ahead of him reverently accept his baby.
This was going to be the worst week ever.
"Stop hitting me," Itachi growled.
"Stop trying to give away our baby to your friends!" Sakura replied, scowling. "She's my baby too, you know. Give her here, you're bouncing her wrong!"
"Is the head supposed to come off?"
"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi exclaimed from across the room. "Look! Her eyes are open! What are we going to do? Breastfeed or baby formula? We have to decide now, because the poor thing's hungry!"
"I don't know about you, but I don't have breastfeeding as an option," Deidara replied, crossing his arms. Tobi crooned to the baby in his arms, which goo-goo-ed back. Across the room, Kisame was half-heartedly trying to stop Zetsu from gnawing on the baby's leg, Pein was trying to rock the baby under the watchful eye of Konan, and Sasuke was trying to push the baby into Karin's hands to keep her busy.
"She's crying!" Tobi exclaimed frantically. "What can I do? Help me, Deidara-sempai!"
"She needs a diaper change," Deidara replied with disgust, snatching the baby. "Watch. You undress her first, then you undo the diaper snaps, you have the wet-wipes ready and you put her on a towel so she doesn't—"
He froze and looked down at the steady stream of baby formula that the electronic baby had been fed earlier. Thank heavens it wasn't real, because now it ran down Deidara's front. Tobi put his hands to his masked face in horror.
"Oh, Deidara-sempai!" he exclaimed. Deidara closed his eyes for a moment.
"Get her out of my sight," Deidara growled. Tobi leaped forward just in time to restrain Deidara, and luckily Itachi was close enough as well. Itachi pushed the baby into his 'wife's' hands and grabbed Deidara, who was cackling with glee.
"Boom, boom, boom!" Deidara said, miming pushing a button with his hand. "Boom!"
"He wants to blow up the baby!" Tobi shrieked, snatching the crying baby and trying to rock her. "No, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi said, racing around the room with the baby close. Itachi watched for a moment, then found his own baby shoved back into his hands.
"Take care of Sakura Junior. The father's involvement is very important in the baby's early development," Sakura said imperiously, shaking a finger at him. Itachi sighed, holding the baby facing Sakura at arms' length. Sakura reached forward just as Itachi hit it on the back, which was his way of burping the baby with minimal involvement. Sakura was stopped in her tracks as the baby projectile-vomited its breakfast.
"Oops," Itachi said sheepishly, pulling the baby back slowly and thinking desperately of a way to somehow get rid of his wife's murderous glare. He came to a quick conclusion. "You'd better go take a shower," he said. Get rid of the wife, you get rid of the glare.
"Hidan," Kakuzu said, frowning, leaning on the baby pram. Hidan leaned over the pram and was showing the baby inside flash cards.
"This is the god Jashin," Hidan said, showing the baby a card. "This is his followers; that's us," he said, showing another card. "This is a sacrifice to Lord Jashin…"
Kakuzu snatched the cards away.
"This is far too early to be teaching her religion," he growled. He held up a bundle of money. "We need to teach her the basics first… this is money, see, M-O-N-E-Y. You get this for killing people and selling their bodies to people who want them dead as proof. It's called bounty, B-O-U-N-T-Y…"
"A shower, you ungrateful, ugly, scheming, mass-murdering…"
"It tastes surprisingly unlike human flesh…"
"Of course it does, it's plastic!"
Konan sighed as Pein held the baby up proudly, then frowned slightly.
"Which side is up?" he asked, hanging the baby by its ankle.
"The other end, dear," Konan replied sweetly.
Everyone headed into the classroom slowly a week later. Kisame held what was left of his and Zetsu's baby, which was missing a leg, and Itachi had bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess. Sasuke was still trying to put some distance between himself and Karin. Kakuzu and Hidan's baby seemed fine in the little pram, and Deidara was still watching the baby being gently rocked in Tobi's arms carefully. He actually had three, but Deidara knew that theirs was the one wearing the pink booties.
The teacher had yet to arrive.
"Deidara-sempai," Tobi said sadly, holding out a sheaf of papers. Deidara looked down.
"What are these?" he asked in surprise.
"Divorce papers," Tobi said as though it was obvious. "I'm sorry, but I'm keeping Akemi. It's just… not good for her, having you around. I'm so sorry it had to end this way, sempai…"
"Boom," Deidara said, tearing the papers in half with both hands.
The door slammed open and everyone jumped. The teacher appeared and made her way to the front of the room to take her seat, watching the students carefully.
"Bring your babies up one by one," she said. "I'll look at the baby's condition and grade you on how good they look."
Kisame looked down at his mauled baby and frowned.
"Kisame and Zetsu's team first," the teacher called. Kisame gulped as he and Zetsu headed to the front of the class and held out their baby for inspection. The teacher took one look.
"What were you doing with this baby?" she demanded. "Playing volleyball?"
"I have a cat," Kisame said slowly. "He's thirty-seven years old… and… uh… teething. I'm afraid he somehow got the baby when we put her to sleep one night, the poor thing."
The teacher waved him on once he had put the baby down on the desk.
"Sasuke and Karin."
"Tobi," Sasuke said, holding out his hands for the baby. Tobi handed him one of the triplets, and Sasuke reverently placed it before the teacher as he furtively put money into Tobi's hand with his other hand.
"I have eyes," the teacher said with disgust, taking the baby and pushing it into the box with Zetsu's snack. "Next! Deidara and Tobi."
"Boom," Deidara chuckled, still miming pressing a switch with his hand. Tobi brought the baby forward slowly, hesitantly. The teacher smiled.
"I see you really care for her, Tobi," she said.
"Akemi is my only light in the whole world," Tobi cried. "I can't give her up, I just can't. You'll have to kill me." Tobi turned suddenly and raced out the classroom door, leaving a very surprised teacher. While the teacher was staring after Tobi, Itachi stared at the baby Tobi had pushed into his hands just before leaving.
"You said you had her, and I trusted you!" Sakura growled. "You did give her off to your friend! How could you, Itachi-kun? I loved you, and you betrayed my love by handing off our baby to the first person who came along! I can never look at you again!"
"I can't believe you," the teacher exclaimed, standing up. "EVERYONE fails except Tobi, Kakuzu, and Hidan. I can't believe this! I warned you all, and you ate your baby, you tried to blow up your baby, you gave your baby to someone else to take care of, you did too, you swung your baby by its ankles because you didn't even know which side was up, and I can't believe some of you passed!"
"I'm glad to see you have so much confidence in our abilities," Kakuzu muttered.
"Shut up! You passed, so get out of my sight! As for the rest of you…"
Kakuzu grasped Hidan's arm and tugged, pulling his teammate out of the classroom and shutting the door hard behind him. They tried to ignore the screaming sounds as the teacher attacked the students, but it was very loud.
"Die, you bastards!" the teacher's voice shrieked. Kakuzu hummed as he headed down the hall, perfectly carefree.