Drinking for the devil.
Disclaimer: Like I said last time, I don't own and I never will. Accept it, I have.
Summary: Or how Clint and Tony aren't allowed to get drunk together. Drinking games, sexual exploits and stealing Natasha's underwear.
A/n: After the response 'On a rug, next to the fire' got, I decided to make another Avengers one!shot, although 'On a rug' will have a sequel out in the next few weeks. I wasn't sure how it'd go down, but people seemed to like it, and whats more important I had fun writing it.
Stretching out on the lazy boy recliner he had installed in the overly large lounge of the newly dubbed 'Avengers Tower', Tony Stark let his gaze flick over the people who were sitting with him. Bruce Banner, who since the attack on New York thanks to Loki, had for all purposes tried to hide himself away from the rest of the team. However, that had lasted all of two weeks before Tony had blackmailed him, saying he'd tell Natasha it had been him who had leaked those exquisite photographs of her online, that he just so happened to find on someone's camera. Although he hadn't believed the other man at the time, the threat had brought him out of his shell, as Tony found out one day when after a shower his hair had been dyed luminous pink.
Bringing the glass of brandy up to his mouth as he let his dark gaze fall onto the next person of the group, Steve Rodgers, Captain America himself. The second person who seemed to be living in a personal bubble. Although the reasons this time were vastly different, something Tony had heard was down to the differences in how he lived during the 1940's. If you asked him however, Rodgers had a stick shoved up his ass, one that he offered to remove for him, but had been declined. Tony had decided he was odd like that, especially when you considered he seemed to be the hardest person to try and interact with the rest of the group.
Shifting his gaze once again, he let it fall on the one person who would forever look out of place in human clothing. Thor, the demi-god and Asgardian Prince. Despite their initial misgivings, the God of Thunder had returned to them two weeks after taking Loki back to Asgard. Strangely he was the person who seemed to be trying the most to make sure everyone was comfortable.
It was obvious that there was a lot he didn't understand about Earth, yet Thor had taken up a more easy going nature since the threat to the planet had ended. That was coupled with him attempting to spend as much as his day with the different Avengers, if it involved asking them inane questions, or telling them about how things happened back in his own realm. It went unspoken that he understood the need for this mish-mash of loners to become a family who could and would depend on each other with their lives.
The ice clinking in Tony's drink snapped his mind back to the present and told him he had finished the glass of whiskey without even knowing so. Luckily for him the other three people in the room hadn't noticed so, for that he was thankful, Steve was always going on about how much he drank, especially on the job.
The soft pitter patter of feet snapped his attention to the doorway, and to the fifth and final male member of their not so super secret club. Hawkeye, or Clint Barton. Out of everyone, Tony had thought it would be this one who would have been the hardest to convince of their place with them after Loki and his mind being raped. It appeared to be partially true as well, something had been said to him in private, no doubt by his not so secret wife, Natasha Romanoff. One black eye later and Barton had started to join them for breakfast. Three days after that, Tony had heard what sounded like a serious fight taking place in her bedroom. Complete with things being broken, and what he could tell was someone being thrown around. When the pair had emerged the next day sporting bruises, handprints on their person and Natasha walking with a slight limp he had become convinced the pair were sleeping with one another. Sadly this was something no one agreed with him about.
"Vodka?" Tony called out, noting the two unmarked bottles in Barton's hands, it was always vodka. Not that he minded, somehow the pair of assassins seemed to have a near limitless supply of Russian vodka.
"It's better than the shit you buy." Smirking as he sat on the end of the couch closest to the billionaire, Clint knew that wasn't exactly true, as Tony seemed to have the most expensive collection of alcohol he had seen. However both he and Natasha had fallen into their habit of drinking vodka, and no one complained about it, too much anyway. Pouring the drink into his glass and forgoing the bucket of ice which was sitting next to him, the archer slid the bottle across the mahogany table towards Bruce without so much as a word.
"Natasha isn't joining us tonight?" Steve asked, shaking his head he watched the vodka fill another glass, choosing not to have any just yet. It had been brought to his attention that he couldn't keep up with any of the Avengers when it came to drinking, even if it wasn't something that should have bothered him, it did if for nothing else, they liked to drink to unwind.
"She's spending the night with Pepper," catching Tony's eye as he spoke, Clint wanted to roll his own, "doing girl things." He had wanted to laugh when she had told him, but had managed to stop himself, barely.
"Thank god." Not realising he had said it aloud Tony noted all eyes in the room were on him. "Don't get me wrong, I love Romanoff, beautiful, cold as ice. But for one night I don't want to be worried about being murdered by a stiletto." He was met with a snort of laughter for that, though no one could deny that he was threatened daily by the Black Widow, who seemed to take a sick sort of relish out of doing so. "Since we know the women won't bother us tonight we can...
"Stark, I swear if the next thing you say is something fruity, I will beat you with the ice bucket." Barton cut him off, knowing full well the older man's need to be flamboyant at all times. Thor looked between the two before laughing loudly, unaware if the threat was real, but at the same time finding the idea of being attacked by something so small laughable. Glaring at the man for cutting him off, Tony lent forwards in his chair as he swung his arm around the younger male, bringing their heads together.
"I was thinking about getting Rodgers drunk and seeing just how innocent our poor leader truly is." He hadn't failed to notice that every drinking game they had, ended with the Captain turning bright red whenever the conversations turned to sex. He got it, in some sick way he did, but that didn't mean it wasn't funny. Pulling away slightly, Tony saw the gleam in Hawkeye's eyes, before nodding slightly and turning to the group with an overly innocent expression on his face. "Gentleman, fill your glasses because Agent Barton and myself have agreed that you will forget everything about this night."
The trio didn't look all that comfortable with the two calculating stares they were receiving from Tony and Clint, but there wasn't much to say as they filled their glasses with vodka. Waiting for whatever was to come.
"Did I tell you about the time Pepper caught me handcuffed to my bed with these twins. She was not pleased." No were near as drunk as he was making out. Tony slurred his words as he attempted to get Steve to lower his guard, noting Bruce shaking his head in amusement and Clint stare at him with a knowing look. "It makes sense now though, and she destroyed the handcuffs the second we started...when we started..." Frowning to himself as he found he couldn't say what was going on between them.
"Dating?" Steve offered staring at the other man, not knowing why it seemed so hard for him to say it. "When are you going to ask her to marry you?" The innocent question drew four confused looks, as Captain America found the table suddenly too interesting. "You seem pretty serious, she's a great girl and you're...you're." He turned red as he found, he couldn't say the words.
"Making the beast with two backs?"
"Playing hide the sausage?"
"Engaged in an act of coitus?"
"Making love!" Shouting as his face resembled a tomato, unbelieving that the words had been getting tossed without a care to the women behind them. "With someone you care about." Throwing in a glare for good measure, at the two who found the situation nothing short of amusing, Steve was ready to tell them that they'd settle it in the training room.
"Steve, there's lots of different names for the same act nowadays." Bruce took pity on the original super solider seeing as Thor looked nothing short of confused, while Clint and Tony were trying not to laugh. "It's not something that just happens in the bedroom anymore, and not just between people who love each other." That turned out to be a bad comment to make however, as it seemed to be the signal for the pair of them to start up once again.
"On the floor.
"In the shower."
"Instead of going to a meeting."
"On a plane."
"In a car."
"On the kitchen table."
"In a nightclub."
"Enough! Ok? Enough." Forcing back his own laughter as he tried to glare at the pair of them, who for their part were trying to look as innocent as possible, and were failing at that attempt to. "He's not used to it, so let's just keep the sex talk to a minimum." Feeling like he was talking about a child and not a superhero, Bruce didn't trust them enough not to start throwing out positions and sex toys you could use, and just what they were used for too.
"Give him the Karma-Sutra and a lifetime subscription to a porn channel." Turning away now that his fun was over, Tony noted that Thor was staring at them with a cold expression on his face. "You ok big guy?" Shifting in his chair to give the demi-god his full attention, Tony noted that it was the first time he didn't have a smile on his face outside of training.
"In Asgard we do not boast of our conquests with our friends, they are not spoken about outside of the bedchambers of the man and woman." Looking between each man as he spoke, Thor wasn't filled with the embarrassment that Rodgers was, but merely confusion as to how they could do so. "Do you not find it disrespectful?" Steve nodded as the question was asked, whilst the other three looked at each other uncomfortably.
"Nothing's meant by it Thor," Barton stared at him from across the table. "On Earth friends joke about this thing with each other, it's a way they bond with each other." Pausing as he thought about what to say to the God to ease him back into the jovial mood he had been in earlier. "You know women are just as guilty of having these conversations as we are right?" Smirking slightly as he thought about the two on the highest level of the Tower, he doubted their conversations were innocent in the slightest. "They're worse than we are." Clinking his glass with the larger male's opposite him, Clint slowly eased himself back into the couch, wondering if it was the alcohol or did it really feel like it was swallowing him.
"Clinton, does Natasha not disagree with you talking about your sexual exploits with her?" A beaming smile formed on Thor's face, as Tony let out a bark of laughter and Bruce covered his face to stop himself from laughing. Clint however, looked like he had been ready to spit the vodka across the table at the question. "You spend the majority of your free time together, and other people are afraid to be around one of you if the other is present." Tony couldn't have hoped for a better question as Hawkeye looked like he didn't know what to say, "You do let suitors for her know that she is taken?" His damn smile stayed on his face as he spoke, not truly aware as to why his questions had caused the reaction it had done, but happy nonetheless that his friends with laughing or smiling.
"Tasha can castrate any man that she isn't interested in, if they don't get the message the first time around." Shrugging slightly, having seen her do so before to one of their targets who tried to get too friendly, after that she had taken her time with him.
"While it'd be fun to grill Barton on who gets to be on top between him and Romanoff," Tony flicked his eyes to Clint before looking at the rest of the group, his mind working overtime on something he wanted to know since he first saw her. "No man could say no to her, they've probably got each other's name stamped somewhere on their body." That drew a laugh from everyone in the room, as the thought that passed through most of their minds at one point in time. "What I want to know is," pausing, he knew he was going to get his ass kicked after this, but the twisted part of his mind wanted to know. "What does she wear under that suit? It's skin tight." Preparing himself for punch that he was saw was going to come, yet he'd die a happy man if he knew.
"She wears underwear Tony," downing the vodka in his glass as he answered, Clint ignored the burning sensation in his throat as he refilled his glass. In a way he couldn't blame the other man, when he first brought Natasha in, he had wondered what was underneath the skin tight outfit they put her in for missions. He'd made the mistake once of drunkenly asking her about it in a rundown pub in Mexico, he'd worn the bruise on his jaw for the next week as a medal for at least asking her, having heard other agents wondering. A month later she had arrived in his room on the S.H.I.E.L.D Hellicarrier clad in her uniform and unreadable smile on her face. Under his confused look, she had started to pull the zip down, and Barton had nearly choked on his own tongue.
"Are we talking lace?" Staring at the other man intently, Tony hadn't expected any type of response from him, and now found he wouldn't be able to stop himself. "She wouldn't wear just any type, would she?" Speaking mostly to himself, he missed the twitch in Clint's jaw as he spoke, "something expensive...possibly custom made for her...she wouldn't take something that everyone else could buy in the store."
"Do you want me to show you what she wears?" Hawkeye regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, as he watched Stark's eyes light up like a kid on Christmas day. "I'm not showing you her underwear."
"If you do," Tony whispered leaning forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face. "I'll make sure there isn't any security footage in your rooms." He had never asking them about it, but there was little he could have done at the time when they all moved in. All rooms in the former Stark Tower had been set up with minute cameras which fed directly into the buildings security feed. If truth be told he just hadn't gotten around to disconnecting them for his friends. He got his answer when Clint grabbed hold of the bottle of vodka before taking three long gulps from it, before pulling himself to his feet.
"She'll kill us all in our sleep." Shaking his head with a laugh, Barton made his way towards the door keeping hold of the bottle in his hands.
Watching him walk away, Tony quickly jumped to his feet with a gleeful smile on his face. No one could ever find out about this. Not only would Romanoff kill them all, would Pepper would find him to bring him back from the dead just to kill him again. Gesturing wildly to the trio still sitting down, Tony made sure that he was only a few feet behind their guide, unsure as to why the other man seemed to be doing what he was doing.
"Tony, is he going to..." Steve found himself unable to finish his question as he trailed after the group, walking a path in the dark that Barton seemed to know like the back of his hand. "He cares about her so why is he..."
"Jarvis, where is Agent Romanoff?" Cutting short the questions that were going to come, he knew the reason for doing things that other people would think was pointless. If he was a betting man, he'd say that Barton was doing this more for him than anyone else, even if this was likely going to be the last day they ever saw him.
"Agent Romanoff is currently preparing to use your penthouse elevator." The A.I's voice rang out around the corridor, due to the numerous cameras dotted around the tower it had been following their movements and knew what they had been planning. "I'll only be able to hold the doors closed for another two minutes sir."
There was something inherently funny about watching a half drunk assassin roll down the corridor, before pinning himself against the wall outside the doorway, acting like he was on a mission as he pushed the door open.
Darting around a corner as he watched his friend vanish in the doorway, Tony rolled his eyes slightly as the other Avengers didn't move with the same sense of urgency. Clearly they didn't know just what was at risk here, and for that he was jealous of them. Peaking around the corner after a few seconds, he knew how it would have looked to someone walking down to see him, Bruce, Steve and Thor all leaning around the corner, seemingly watching nothing. And then it happened.
"Dun... ...nun...nun...nun...nun...nun.. nunnnnn." He hadn't even been aware he was doing it until.
"Tony, are you humming the 'Mission Impossible' song?" Bruce's voice was full of restrained amusement as he looked at the back of what was quickly becoming his closest friend's head, not believing what he was hearing as he fought not to burst out laughing.
"Am I humming the Mission Impossible song? Peh, no." Scoffing as he answered, he decided that the safest course of action would be to keep his mouth closed until Clint made his way back to them. "Dun...dun...dun..un..un..." Frowning as he could feel their eyes on his back, he knew that he couldn't turn around. "Shut up Rodgers."
"Sir, Miss Potts has overridden my controls; Agent Romanoff will be on this floor within thirty seconds." Jarvis' voice seemed overly loud in the darkness, loud enough to put a big flashing light above their head's screaming 'up to no good right here!'
Having heard the voice from the other side of the door, Clint Barton came running out of the room with all the stealth of a rampaging elephant as he took off past his four teammates. The soft ping that signalled Jarvis' words being correct left them no time to question what had spooked their friend. Appearing nothing like the group that had saved the world only four weeks before, the foursome turned tail and ran after the disappearing Hawkeye.
"You're meant to be a master assassin." Panting slightly, not expecting the short burst of speed he had needed to get out of there, Bruce glared at the S.H.I.E.L.D and Avenger member who was currently laying on the couch, acting like nothing had happened.
"I take it you got it, because if you didn't, Barton you won't need to worry about 'Tasha." Tony threatened from behind the couch as he shook his head, humour rather than anger lacing his words. If he had been ready to say anything else, his words were cut short when a pair of lace panties smacked him in the face, taking not only Tony but the room off guard. It was an unusual sight to behold as he pulled them from his face, before slowly making his way around the couch, eyes wide as they flicked from the underwear to the man who had thrown them. "You did it, you amazing son of a bitch."
"They are really Natasha's undergarments?" Thor's voice boomed around the lounge, childlike curiosity lacing his words. "May I?" The God of Thunder's question seemed more out of place than Tony saying what he had done, however, before anyone could react another pair of panties were tossed across the room. Four sets of eyes turned to the archer laying on the couch.
"I panicked ok!" Laughing through his words, Clint shook his head in disbelief at what was happening, and at the same time if he had been on the outside looking in, he'd probably be on the floor laughing. "She's gonna know, the rest must be in the laundry." Three sets of eyes widened at that little revelation as Tony looked down at the underwear in his hands, before tossing it across the table to Steve.
"It covers so little flesh, what is the purpose of this?" Thor's question went ignored as Rodgers tossed them to Bruce who had expected the movement and batted them forwards, catching the God in the face with the second pair. "They have a floral scent."
"STARK! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS TO ASGARD!"
"Sir it would appear Agent Romanoff is making her way to his location." Jarvis' comment wasn't needed, as they all heard Natasha's screech, and no one wanted to be at victim of her anger.
"Get rid of them!" No one watched just how Thor got rid of said underwear, though would later find out they should have. As the remaining four men tried to position themselves as casually as they could, as they awaited the harbinger of their death.
When Natasha stormed into the lounge, her eyes took in the five men sitting there, looking to the world like they were enjoying whatever conversation that was taking place. However, she was the Black Widow and thus, she could see the tensing of Steve's shoulders as he felt her gaze on him, as well as how Bruce slumped down in the couch; out of sight. Looking every inch the deadly spy turned assassin, as she rounded the couch even dressed as a civilian, she never noticed Clint's hand tightening on his glass. As she zeroed in on her target.
"Stark I don't know what sick fetish you have with my underwear, but if you don't give it back to me I'll feed you what you value the most." Her words had the desired effect, as fear briefly filled his eyes, before his gaze flicked to something over her shoulder and then back to her. Standing with one hand extended and the other on her hip, she wondered if she could kill him before the bead of sweat made its way down his face.
"I'm honoured you want me to see your underwear, I truly am, but I haven't taken it." Keeping his voice level, Tony knew not to look at anyone other than her, otherwise she'd know exactly who to go to. "It is laundry day for you, are you sure you picked it back up?" Seeing that his question had no effect on her, he quickly darted his attention over her shoulder and back, fully intending her to catch the movement.
Turning on her heel, Natasha saw Captain America staring back at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Something that might have been true, since he had only ever experienced an angry woman once before in his life.
"Steve," in what was no doubt a voice designed to calm him, it instead set every nerve in his body alive with a fight or flight reflex. Movement coming from the other side of the table signalled Clint shuffling further to the arm of the couch, as he closed the distance between himself and Tony. Both of them were having to lean over the gap between the chair and the couch, as they watched him intently for any signs of betrayal. "I'm not mad, just tell me if anyone went into my room and took my underwear." Breathing hard through her nose, of all things she had done in her life, Natasha never thought she'd be asking Captain fucking America if he was a panty thief.
Looking passed the dangerous woman who he sometimes shared a bed with; Clint glared at the super solider whilst Tony made a throat slitting gesture towards him. Even though with their drunken state it mightn't have been as threatening as they hoped it would be, if Bruce coughing back a laugh was anything to go by.
"What?...No...I mean why would anyone...no...Thor?" Stammering as he was unable to meet her penetrating gaze, Rodgers didn't know what he had done until he saw her once again turn away from him and look towards the Asgardian.
"Steven." Returning what he thought was a greeting, the God found himself the latest victim of the Black Widow's death stare.
"Thor," tapping her foot patiently on the floor as she spoke, she doubted she could do anything to him that would actually hurt.
"Natasha." Beaming up at the redheaded woman whom he considered a friend. His smile grew as he noted the trio behind her starting to laugh, and found that he was unable to stop himself from joining them.
"What have you been doing?" Starting with a different tactic, and at the same time cursing his ability to get people talking to them, there wasn't a chance she could just demand Thor tell her what she wanted to know.
"We have been discussing how centuries ago people on your realm used to sing songs about their glories battles as we still do on Asgard." Thor never noticed Steve shaking his head at him, from over Natasha's shoulder. "One song in particular seemed impressive as it was called the Impossible Mission, would you like me to sing it to you?" An arched eyebrow and shrug in disbelief, asking if he was for real, was the only answer he received, but he took it to mean that he should. Clearing his throat, Thor nodded to his friends, "Dun... ...nun...nun...nun...nun...nun.. nunnnnn"
Natasha's eyes twitched violently in a murderous rage as she watched Thor sit there, and sing the Mission Impossible song to her. After telling her it was a song from her ancestors. The only thoughts going through her head, were that he knew what he was doing, there was no possible way on the planet that he couldn't not know.
"dun nun nunnnnn...dun nun nun nun" Staring at the God who was continuing to sing at her, she decided there was no other solution other than to just ask him. Hopefully he'd tell her that Stark did in fact have her underwear, and she'd have an excuse to kill someone.
"This is going to sound like a strange question, but do you have my underwear?" Wanting nothing more than to pound Tony Stark into the floor as she heard him laugh behind her. She wondered why Barton was laughing too, but wouldn't turn around until she had her answer.
"Yes, I do." Answering honestly, he kept that damned smile on his face as he watched Clint's torso drop into the gap between couch and chair, as his body shook with laughter, though no longer able to look at them. "Would you like them back?" His question proved too much for Tony this time, as he dropped himself across Barton's back, his laughter echoing around the room and it wasn't long before Bruce joined in.
"If it's not too much trouble." Looking over her shoulder, brown eyes narrowed at the trio as she planned her revenge. Bruce had now joined in with the pile on her partner, having draped himself across Barton's legs and lower back, his arm swung around to be resting on Tony. Who was currently pounding on the archer's shoulder in an attempt to stop himself from falling from his chair, there wasn't a single one out of the three of them who were looking at her.
When the God of Thunder rose from the floor, Natasha had assumed he was going to hand her said underwear, after all her years of training had never prepared her for what happened next.
With a blank face Thor slowly unbuttoned his jeans, making the only female in the room advert her gaze slightly. His face holding no notion of just how uncomfortable the situation might have been, Thor, as casually as he might have been fighting a Frost Giant, removed both pairs of her panties before holding them out to her.
Having heard the sound of the jeans being undone, Clint managed to peak between the two bodies laying on top of him. The mortified look on his partner's face was once again enough to send him howling into laughter, despite knowing there would be a prolonged and deadly retribution coming for them all.