Title: Wondering
Author: Gotham's Princess
Rating: K+
Timeline: Post-Graduation
Summary: Kurt can't help but wonder about NYADA
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, or any of the characters. If I did, would I be writing fanfic right now?

In literature, rolling thunder and pounding rain was often used as a symbol for the dreariness of emotion the main character felt. It served as a motif for turmoil and fear and the earth-shaking nature of one's pain. Kurt Hummel knew this all too well, yet as he stood at the train station to bid Rachel Berry farewell to New York, there was not but a cloud in the sky. While the weather may have been unseasonably cold for the May afternoon, the sun shined as bright as Ms. Berry's future.

He hated it.

He was happy for her, yes, but God he was miserable. His flashing smile as she walked by gave no indication of this feeling, a skill he had acquired walking the halls of McKinley in the face of dreadful bullying. He wondered that if NYADA had known of this, they might have been more inclined let him in. Making someone believe the impossible was useful for the dramatic arts, right?

He wondered many things about NYADA and his rejection, in all actuality.

He wondered that if maybe Mr. Shue had given him some sort of spotlight at Nationals, Carmen Tribideaux might have thought he was better. He wondered that maybe if he had won Senior Class President, or even just a singing part in West Side Story, he might have been pushed over into the 'ACCEPTED' category. He wondered about a million different things he could have done differently that maybe would have gotten him into his dream school.

What he didn't want to wonder was what he couldn't help but think about: would he have gotten in had Rachel not?

The first time he thought it, he felt like a terrible person. Okay, every time the thought crossed (and still crosses) his mind, he felt like a terrible person. Blaine said it was only natural, and he thought so himself. Kurt, however, hated his raging jealousy, no matter how justified it seemed. He hated being somewhat angry at his closes platonic friend for her victory and because of his loss. He especially hated that it seemed like only one person had to win. Why not both?

Why not him?

He knows that there is no use in wondering about the 'what could have beens' - a voice in his head whispers 'what should have beens' – and all he can do is figure something out. As Rachel's train rolls from the station, Kurt knows that will be him someday, though without the Rachel Berry theatrics. Still though, he can't help but wonder how exactly he will get there…