Lord of the Files


The bell rang, signalling the start of a new school day. The satchel trend still hadn't worn off, Josh noticed, as Zoe-Marie was stilling flailing her enormous satchel around in his face.

"So, like, you're still, like, not as cool as me, are yeh?" she gloated, smearing the satchel in Ryan's face.

"Urgh!" the wimpy boy cried, reeling away, smacking into Ash as he did so.

"Watch where you're going, ya spanner!" Ash groaned. Josh sighed. Elmsbury got worse by the day.


Nathan sat at his desk, Lord of the Flies in his hand. As soon as the rowdy, detention-happy class barged in, he threw the book onto his desk.

"Right. So, Mr. Byron's asked me to give you a break from your reading lessons today. And, instead, yeah, we're gonna take a look at the writing side of things." The class groaned and Nathan quickly settled them down again "Alright, alright. Now, you need to use some inspiration from books you've already read. So, take Josh for example. He could use Lord of the Flies as his book inspiration." Josh groaned at the reference to his previous 'Lord of the Files' comment.

"Yeah, alright bruv…" he muttered, lying his head down on the desk in front of him.

"Now, I'm gonna put you in groups of 2 or 3. So, I've got the list of groups here, and I'm gonna pin it up on the board." Nathan reached for his bookmark inside Lord of the Flies, which apparently was the list of groups. He sharply smacked it around his brother's head once, receiving a half-hearted laugh from the bored class, and then stuck it to the board with Bluetack. The class quickly rushed to the board to see the groups they'd been landed in.


"I'm doomed," groaned Ash as he found his own name on the board.

"What are you talking about, man?" Ryan asked, "You're with Greg and Oliver, they're in the gifted and talented group."

"Gifted and talented at Elmsbury don't mean much, bruv," Josh smirked. Ryan shot him a glare. "Well, it's true, innit," Josh continued, "you're in with that lot of nerds, and you're still in detention most weeks."

"And who's to blame for that?" Ryan shot back.

"I'm doomed…" Ash lamented again, not having seemed to hear any of what his friends were saying. He walked off sulkily towards the table where the two nerds were drooling over their last homework results.

"I don't know what he's complaining about, he's got it made," Josh mumbled, before finding his own name on the board. "Oh man…" he groaned in despair.

"Who have you got?" Ryan asked, with a slightly smug grin on his face.

"Agnes," Josh replied.

"That's not that bad," Ryan commented, disappointment evident in his voice.

"And Zoe-Marie…" Josh finished, and Ryan laughed.

"You, mate, are finished!" he chuckled, glancing over to where Zoe-Marie and Agnes were sat, the former of the two making a speech about whether some poor, innocent child had insulted her.

"Yeah, well, it's not all bad news bruv," Josh said, a slight smirk creeping over his face, "at least you two get to spend some more quality time together."

"Us two? What are you on about you… flapjack…?" Ryan's voice trailed off as he looked at his name on the board. It was right next to Molly's.

"Laters," Josh grinned and walked reluctantly over to his table, while Ryan became a quivering wreck on the classroom floor.


"Yeh calling me fat are yeh? Is that what yeh saying? 'Coz, like, you can't really, like say anything, can yeh? 'Coz you're, like, at least twice as fat as me, maybe even three times if yeh, like, count yeh face in it, which I, like, don't, but you might 'coz everyone's different aren't they, yeh know what I'm saying? And that's what I said to him," Zoe-Marie finally finished.

"Said to who?" asked Agnes.

"Ugh, were you even, like, listening at all to me?" Zoe-Marie snapped.

Josh groaned and slumped his head onto the desk. This was all he'd heard for the past ten minutes. Not only had he probably damaged his ear drums being sat here, the fact that neither of the two girls liked him meant that he'd actually had to do some work of his own. And that wasn't his strong point. All he'd written so far was "Once."

"What are you, like, doing, bangin' your head on the desk like that?" Zoe-Marie demanded, "It's, like, well distracting!"

"Yeah, and you'll get splinters," added Agnes, "and then you'd have to go to the nurse and we'd have to do all the work."

Josh lifted his head up and tried to think of an argument, but then decided he couldn't be bothered, and tried to go back to his paper. But it was no good. He glanced across to the other side of the classroom, where Ash was working with the two nerds who would do all the work for him. Why couldn't Josh be in his position?


"Can you PLEASE give me the paper now?" Ash begged.

"No way," insisted Oliver, in that annoying lisp he had, "if Greg and I do it we'll be a lot quicker and the work will be better. I have a reputation to keep up, you know."

"But so do I!" persisted Ash, "I've drawn a monkey species beginning with each letter of the alphabet on every piece of homework I've done this year. Now I'm on X and I've really gotta get it done!"

"We're not drawing monkeys on this work," Oliver snapped, "Our inspiration is War and Peace, not… War and Monkeys!"

"Hahaha! War and Monkeys!" chuckled Greg pathetically.

"Guys, you have to understand!" Ash pleaded, "I've got great ideas for the story as well! And I know a great book we could base it on!"

"And what would that be?" Oliver smirked. Ash drew a blank as he tried to think of the last book he'd read.

"Argos catalogue?" he suggested.

"Look, just stay out of our work!" Oliver ordered, and went back to focusing on his paper.

Ash sighed and stared across the classroom to where Josh was working with the two girls who'd let him do the work. Why couldn't Ash be in his position?


Ryan had been crouched on the floor of the classroom for the past ten minutes, hoping not to be noticed. Sadly, his luck eventually ran out.

"Ryan, do you really think I won't see you if you do that?" a female voice asked. Ryan got up slowly and looked at Molly. He only managed to look at her for about ten seconds though, before her death glare forced him to look at the floor.

"Oh, hi, uh, Molly," Ryan stammered, "I was just, um… looking for something."

"What were you looking for?" Molly scowled at him.

"Um… dust," Ryan improvised, poorly.

"Wow. Really?" Molly asked sarcastically, before stepping towards Ryan slightly.

"Urgh!" he yelled, leaping backwards.

"What are you doing?" Molly asked, before sighing and putting on the closest thing she could to a smile. "Come on, Ryan, we've gotta get this story thing done. I've already started writing a bit."

"Oh, uh, really?" Ryan asked, surprised.

"Yeah. It's based on Frankenstein," Molly replied.

"Should have guessed," Ryan muttered, before Molly's fist came towards his face. "Alright, alright!" he cried, reeling back. He looked over at the picture on the classroom wall of Jesus on the cross. Why couldn't Ryan be in his position?


Nathan relaxed on his chair reading Lord of the Flies, pleased with the success of the lesson. He hadn't even had any complaints about the group set-up, which was a major breakthrough. Then he looked up from his book to see his brother standing in front of him. He groaned and put the book down.

"What is it, Josh?" he asked with a sigh.

"I need to move groups, bruv," Josh replied.

"It's sir," Nathan corrected, "and why do you need to move?"

Josh thought about this for a moment, before giving up. "I don't like Zoe-Marie…"

"I thought as much. Look, we all have to work with people we don't like," lectured Nathan.

"Like you and Byron, then," Josh smirked, and Nathan scowled.

"Look, not liking someone is no excuse to move groups. I'm sure you and Zoe-Marie can find a way to co-exist."

"But look at my work, bruv!" Josh protested and shoved a bit of paper in Nathan's face. Nathan took it and read it. It didn't take long.

"Josh, once is spelt with a C," he complained.

"Exactly!" Josh exclaimed, "Zoe-Marie keeps distracting me! Do you really think I would have spelt that word wrong if not for her?"

"Yes," Nathan replied.

"Well, alright, but still, you've gotta move me, bruv! She's talking my ears off!"

"That's not my problem," Nathan smirked.

Josh scowled at him, then lowered his voice. "If you move me to Ash's group, I'll call you sir for the whole rest of the month," he offered.

Nathan thought about this. About how much respect he was losing from being called "bruv" constantly by Josh. "Alright, fine," he sighed, "you can go and work with-"

"We need to move groups, sir," interrupted a voice. Josh and Nathan turned round to see Ash standing there alongside Ryan.

"What are you doing, you muppet?" Josh demanded of Ash, "Those guys are ideal! They'll do all the work for you!"

"Aha!" Nathan exclaimed, "That's why you want to work in that group!" Josh groaned, not believing his own stupidity.

"That was pretty thick, Josh," Ryan pointed out, and Josh glared at him before turning back to his brother.

"Alright, you got me, I wanted to get the nerds to do my work for me…" he sighed.

"Yeah, well, it's too late now," Nathan gloated. "Thanks to your two cronies, I've now got three students who all want group changes. Seems pretty simple to me. You can all work together."

"Ugh…" Josh moaned, as his friends dragged him off to their table. What masterpiece would they create together?