~As always, I only own the plot. I don't own the series or characters, so don't sue me.
This is a co-conspiracy with Shin-man, my hubby.
Detergent: StReAm TaLeS
Chapter One – Eva and Berry?
"Ichigo!" a somewhat familiar voice squeaked out.
Amber eyes snapped open before his head lifted slightly off the pillow to look down his muscular form only to see the tiny… incredibly tiny shinigami standing on his chest. "Ru…kia?"
The shinigami was incredibly small, like the size of Kon small. He had to bite back a fit of laughter from overtaking him at seeing her odd form. At seeing his amused expression, the tiny girl stomped on his chest before leaping into the air and landing with all her weight on his most sensitive area. Yelping, Ichigo bolted upright just to grab the affected area, attempting to glare menacingly at his friend, but failing miserably due to the pain.
"Now that I have your attention," Rukia started, crossing her arms as she stood between his legs. "You've been summoned to Seireitei. As you can clearly see, something is amiss. Yamamoto-soutaichou wishes to speak with you directly."
Huffing, he grabbed his combat pass before roughly slapping it to his chest. Grateful that the pain dissipated the moment he took soul form. "Where to?" the orangette questioned as he opened his window. Grabbing the shrunken raven haired girl by the back of her collar, he suddenly leapt out the now opened window.
"Urahara's!" she ended up squealing as she was dragged out the window.
Ichigo leapt from roof top to roof top to reach the shaggy blonde's candy store quickly. By the time they arrived, Rukia had switched to sit on Ichigo's broad left shoulder.
"Try not to laugh," she smirked as they entered the store.
"Hey!" Ichigo shouted, amber eyes scanning the room in search of the blonde. "Urahara!"
A muffled voice called from behind the sliding doors across the room the group would usually have tea in. Not one to mess around, the orangette hurries over to the doors and slides it open. Biting his lip, he tried not to laugh. He tried hard not to, but it was just too hilarious. The formerly shaggy blonde sat at the small table, weighing about 100 pounds more than usual, and his normal clothes clinging tightly to his obese frame. His usual trademark hat was gone, as was most of his hair. On his face are large swirly glasses. He looked like those creepy otaku's you see stalking girls in maid cafes.
Oh, but it got better. Yoruichi's normal busty chest was completely gone, as was her usual feminine curve. Just as Ichigo was getting his laughter under control, she ruined everything by speaking in a deep and manly voice.
"Shut it!" she or well, now he shouted.
"I'm glad you think this is amusing Kurosaki," a new voice sounded from behind him. Feminine, almost like…
Turning, his laughter increased as he came face to face with a very effeminate looking Ishida, complete with breasts and all. Behind him was a tall and lanky Sado, without his usual muscles that he was recognized for. He was supporting a small auburn girl with ridiculously oversized breasts that completely blocked view of her face.
"Kurosaki-kun," the girl calls out. "Is that you?"
Finally getting his laughter under control, he responds. "Yeah."
"What's going on?" she cries while her arms flail comically behind her huge breasts.
"I have no idea, but it's hilarious."
"Ah," the blonde moans behind him. "I'm glad you do."
Ichigo is suddenly struck in the back of his back by the tiny raven haired girl on his shoulder. "Soutaichou does not like to be kept waiting!"
A slightly tanned hand swats at her. "Yeah yeah, let's go."
Shinji laid on his bed daydreaming of what it must be like to not stutter during every conversation he was ever involved in. It had been a rough day full of sync tests and Asuka hitting him in the head every five minutes. His silent introspection was violently disturbed by the city's Angel alarm going off. Throwing on a pair of pants, he quickly made his way to his bedroom door. Opening his door, he was greeted with a very unexpected sight. Misato stood in front of Shinji in her usual Nerv attire, but the first thing he noticed that was out of the ordinary was her lack of cleavage.
"M-M-Misato!" Shinji squeaked trying not to stare at her now flat chest.
"There is no time to explain Shinji. We need to get to Nerv ASAP." Misato practically yelled at him.
Following the purple haired vixen to the front door he was greeted with another unexpected sight. Standing at the front door to their apartment was Asuka tapping her foot impatiently with a very pissed off look on her face. Her normal fiery red hair was replaced with a sickly green color that looked like vomit.
"Say one word baka and I will tear your spine out through your asshole," Asuka hissed at Shinji.
Deciding it was best to avoid eye contact and any heavy breathing, so as not to piss her off more, he opened the door and started making his way to the elevator. The ride to NERV headquarters was probably the most terrifying Shinji had ever experienced. Misato swerved in and out of wreckage with reckless abandon even more so than usual. When they finally reached their destination Shinji leaped out of the car and started vomiting all over the parking lot. Not even giving him time to wipe off his mouth Misato began dragging him into the bowls of NERV HQ.
After several minutes, a couple of death threats, and many lumps on the back of Shinji's head, they finally arrived in central Dogma. Shinji felt like he was losing his grip on reality as Ritsuko, Rei, and Fuyutsuki approached the group. The first thing he noticed was the new beard that Ritsuko was sporting. The brown beard clashed with her bright blonde hair. The next thing he noticed was Fuyutsuki's shortened stature as well as his neon orange hair. Finally looking at the pilot of EVA-Unit 00 his heart almost stopped from shock. The girl's hair had grown down past her shoulders and she was also wearing a hemp necklace that had a peace sign attached to it.
"As you can see there are some very strange things going on here," Ritsuko said gruffly
"But it seems like Shinji is the only one that is not affected by this new phenomenon," she added.
Walking over to one of the consoles, Ritsuko typed in a few commands to bring up on of the holo-projection screens. "We have identified a pattern blue signal from within the city, but we cannot pin point its location. It seems to be everywhere and nowhere all at once." Typing in a few more commands she brought up an overlay showing a blue haze covering then entirety of Tokyo-3. "It would seem that there is a link between the pattern blue signal and our sudden change in appearance."
Ritsuko turned and faced away from the group stroking her beard gently as if in deep thought. "What I don't understand is why Shinji is the only one not affected." She turned back around to face the silent crowd. "Unless…you have changed in other…areas?" The bearded lady asked as she glanced down at his crotch. Shinji began to stammer incoherently while covering his privates out of embarrassment.
"No!" he finally blurted out. "I haven't changed at all as far as I can tell."
Rei stepped forward bobbing her head as she did so looking back and forth between Shinji and Asuka.
"Okay dudes here's the deal. We don't know what's going on here man, but we need to figure it out if we want to get back to our previous selves. Do you dig what I'm saying man?"
Shinji was beyond shocked at the sudden change in the pilot's way of talking. If the Angel could change a person's appearance as well as the way they act what else was it capable of? How do you even defeat an enemy that you can't even see? Shinji's mind raced as he tried to comprehend all of the madness that was going on around him.
Ritsuko coughed slightly to get Shinji's attention. "Until we can figure out what we are going to do to figure this out we will need to run extensive tests on you to understand why you are unaffected by this Angel when everyone else is."
Shinji sighed. Ritsuko's tests were always awkward to say the least. This was a very bad start to a long day that lay ahead of the unfortunate teen, and he was not looking forward to it. Not one bit.
Amber eyes scanned the meeting hall quickly, biting his lip incredibly hard to keep from laughing. Although he didn't make any audible sounds, his shoulders still jerked indicating that he found the situation amusing. He was slapped on the back of the head rather quickly but the very small Rukia. Taking a deep breath, Ichigo straightened up. It was hard, what with the constant raining of rose petals around Byakuya's much slimmer form, Kyouraku's drunken antics, and Ukitake snoring loudly while standing upright.
"Yamamoto-soutaichou!" a very teary eyed 6th captain cried out rather dramatically. "Our reports indicate that a most vile man is behind all of this." Violet eyes closed as a few tears seemed to fly off his face. "Sousuke Aizen!"
Ichigo stared blankly at the usually stoic captain. His entire being now screamed of a shoujo anime.
"Shoot," Zaraki bellowed from his right. "I reckon we jus' go in an' bust him up real nice like."
This caused the orangette to blink. Kenpachi speaking like a southern American hick? Well, that was something unexpected.
Soi-fon stepped forward, tossing one of her braids over her shoulder. "Like, that would be like nice and all, but like we don't know where he like is hiding and stuff."
A tangerine eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Really, an air head? Well, Soi-fon did talk out her ass a lot and she did seem to be full of hot air most times too. It was at that moment he noticed a few captains were missing, specifically Unohana and Kurotsuchi. As well as newly reinstated captains Shinji, Rose, and Kensei. He was startled from his musings as a loud thud resounded through the hall, effectively silencing everyone. Yamamoto looked the same, but so did Soi-fon and Kenpachi. Perhaps, the old man wasn't affected by whatever magic had affected everyone else.
"What!" the old man bellowed, sounding very much like a deaf old man.
Ichigo blinked a few times before he finally could no longer control himself and the laughter quickly filled the hall. The cane slammed against the wooden floor once more.
"Quit yer laughin' boy!"
The orangette bit his lip at this, finally getting his laughter back under control. Rukia merely crossed her arms and sighed.
"As I'm sure you can see, Aizen has somehow managed to wreak havoc upon us once again. We're not sure where he is, but I know of an ol' friend who can help."
The old man moved one hand off the cane, made a fist and stretched it out in front of him. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open and his hand opened up now causing his palm to be outstretched toward the pair. A golden light appeared in a strange intricate symbol beneath the shinigami daikou's feet. Rukia instinctively clutched the orangette's shihakushou tighter. The symbol spun slowly on the floor, a large crescent moon taking up a good chunk of the design of triangles and circles. Ichigo shielded his eyes with his arm as the light suddenly became incredibly bright.
He wasn't sure what was happening, all he knew is that he felt as if he were tumbling freely, his stomach not exactly enjoying said ride. Just as quickly as it had started, the sensation was gone. Slowly managing to get to his feet, Rukia still clinging to his shoulder, the teen began to take in their damp dark surroundings.
"Where are we?" he muttered.
After twelve straight hours of testing the normally docile Shinji was about to snap, there are only so many rectal exams one man can go through. The young pilot sat in a testing chamber stark naked, shivering from the cold. He continued to stare at his hands to distract himself from the bright white walls that were blinding to direct eye contact.
"I don't even understand why I have to go through all of these tests. I haven't even had anything change with my appearance. Everyone else are the ones that have something wrong, why aren't they getting tested to death?" Shinji grumbled to himself.
Shinji's complaining was interrupted by the door to the test chamber opening, admitting the bearded Ritsuko. The woman looked tired, but it was kind of hard to tell through all of the facial hair. Judging by the flecks of red in her beard it looked like she even went through the trouble to re-apply her lipstick.
"Well Shinji we have good news and we have bad news, which would you rather hear first?" The blonde doctor asked.
Shinji sighed heavily "Does it even matter at this point in time?"
"Well the good news is that we are done testing, so you can put your clothes back on now. The bad news though is that we couldn't find anything to explain your lack of appearance disfigurement." Ritsuko said as she tossed Shinji his clothes.
Shinji flailed about as he tried to catch his clothes, in the process he managed to expose himself to the bearded doctor, further increasing his embarrassment. "So what does that mean?" Shinji asked as he covered himself once more.
"We didn't find anything out from running tests on you, but the Magi did manage to provide us with some data on this new phenomenon. So get dressed and report to central dogma ASAP." With that, Ritsuko turned around and left the test chamber.
Dressing quickly he made his way out of the test chamber and headed in the direction of central dogma. When he arrived he was greeted by the still flat chested Misato and a still very pissed off Asuka. Trying to avoid the burring gaze coming from Asuka he walked over to the console that Misato was leaning over.
"S-s-so what have we figured out?" Shinji stuttered out questioningly.
"The only thing we could find on the pattern blue signal is a single image, but we have been having some troubles bringing it up." Misato responded without even glancing at the young teen.
Finally reaching her breaking point Asuka stomped over to the console and pushed Misato out of the way. "Christ I can't take this anymore, let me show you how this is done," Asuka spat as she started mashing on the keyboard. After several seconds and one final blow to the keyboard the image began to show on the holo-projection screen.
The image seemed to be a symbol of some sort it was much too complex for Shinji to figure out with all of its intersecting lines and symbols. Before he even realized it he felt himself being drawn toward the symbol on the screen. All of a sudden he felt weightless as if he was floating. He heard muffled shouting as he moved closer to the symbol on the screen, but he couldn't muster the energy to care about what they were saying. As he got closer to the image it started to pulse and grew brighter. With one final pulse, it felt as if time had stopped as he found himself suddenly falling down a tunnel of gold and red. Well, he felt more like he was slowly falling in water, more so than space. Blue eyes gazed around curiously before he spotted a startled Asuka, her hair still that sickly green color.
Just as quickly as they had been pulled in, the pair found themselves standing in front of a large ancient looking Japanese house. The gold light that had embraced them slowly disappeared and the rain began to beat mercilessly on them. Shinji's arms instantly flew over his head in a futile attempt to keep from being soaked. He turned to face his fellow pilot.
"Asuka," he cried out desperately over the rain. "Where are we? What happened?"
"You think I'd know!" she snapped, ready to slap him for his obvious stupidity.
"They're a rather curious pair," Rukia whispered into her friend's ear as they stood behind the two.
"You think they can see us?" the orangette questioned.
The shrunken shinigami, hopped off the teen's shoulder and walked up behind them. Reaching out, she touched the brunette teen's leg. Although her hand didn't pass through him, the boy turned, startled and frightened when his gaze fell upon an empty street.
"I'd say no," the girl finally answered.
Footsteps resounded through the rain, and the group stopped what they were doing as a tall woman, dressed in an odd black dress with crescent moons approached. A man slightly shorter than the new woman followed closely, dragging what looked to be two very familiar bodies.
"I'm glad to see you four have arrived safely," the woman said, her cold eyes scanning the group.
"Four?" Shinji squeaked as his eyes looked all about. "But, it's only me and Asuka."
The woman smirked a bit. "There's two more behind you, however, you can't see them as they're shinigami. Watanuki!" she ordered sternly.
The man behind her dragged the bodies of the orangette and noble girl behind the pair of EVA pilots.
"Shinigami?" Asuka questioned slowly, gaze momentarily following the man. "What, like death gods?"
"Correct," the woman answered.
The one called Watanuki turned to Shinji for a moment. "Can you hold this?" he questioned as he firmly shoved Rukia's gigai into his arms. Thankful to be rid of one of the heavy bodies, he did his best to hold up the orangette's body.
Ichigo instantly jumped into his human body. As he stood upright, he smirked as the pair in front of him stared on in slight horror. "Only," he continued from Asuka's question. "We're not gods." His amber eyes fell to the woman. "Hey! The old man obviously sent us to you. Want to tell us where Aizen is hiding?"
The woman smirked. "As much as I'd love to, I am unable to interfere in your destiny." She received a raised tangerine eyebrow in response. "I have been called many things, but I am most commonly known as the dimensional witch. My name is Yuuko."
"Ichigo!" his friend called out to him. "I can't get into my gigai!"
The orangette moved to grab the small girl's faux body to inspect it a make sure nothing was wrong. "It looks fine to me." He shifted to hold the limp body by the collar of the white blouse it wore. "Here, try now."
Shinji's eyebrows disappeared into his hair line. "Who are you talking to?"
"Hm?" Ichigo looked at the other teen. "Rukia. She's a shinigami. You uh," he started before rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "You can't see her."
Asuka smirked at this. "Imaginary girlfriend?" she teased.
"Tch," he spat. "Even if that were true, I'm pretty sure I would imagine something more, curvaceous than this." The teen shook the gigai toward the green haired girl for emphasis.
"Ichigo," Rukia growled out through gritted teeth. "Bakudo no ichi, sai!"
Amber eyes widened as his arms suddenly flew and locked behind his back, causing him to drop the girl's gigai and lose his balance. Upon his face plant into the wet cement, Yuuko could feel her eye twitching in annoyance. At least the previous group was fairly more mature than this. Of course, they were much older too. Shinji stared at the orangette now splayed on the ground.
"What are you doing?" he questioned.
"Oh you know, I rather enjoy getting soaked in the rain," he responded sarcastically, amber gaze glaring darkly at the shinigami a few feet away from his face.
"Apologize," the girl ordered sternly.
"No," Ichigo growled as his wrists pulled against the kido spell.
"You can't break it."
"You can't. You're in your body. It's impossible." Ichigo merely growled and mumbled something inaudible. "What was that?"
"I'm sorry," the teen apologized through gritted teeth.
"Better." Rukia waved her hand and the kido spell released.
Ichigo quickly stood, rubbing his wrists as he did so. Bending down, he picked the faux body back up. "Come on, get in your gigai."
"I told you, I can't!"
Just as the teen opened his mouth to speak again, Yuuko cut him off. "Until she's returned to her normal state, she will be unable to enter her gigai."
The shinigami daikou grumbled a bit before throwing the small body over his shoulder like it was nothing. Needless to say, his strength had impressed Shinji, but Asuka didn't seem the least bit interested.
"Watanuki! Fetch Mokona if you would please." The man scurried off and she faced the group, her normal cold expression returning to her face. "You four will have to travel the worlds in order to return your homes back to normal." There was a pause as the raven haired man returned carrying a white puff ball and two books. One that had Bleach inscribed on the top and the other had Neon Genesis Evangelion inscribed on it. "You must collect pages to fill these books in order for everything to return as it once was. I cannot help you on your journey and it is imperative that you refrain from telling people that you're from another world. It will only destroy the balance of the universe. Now…" she trailed off as her eyes took in the small group before her. "To keep the universe in balance, I'll need to collect a payment from all of you."
"I left my wallet at home," Ichigo retorted.
"Asuka," her gaze shifted to the greenette. "I will need your ability to hurt your fellow pilot."
"What!" the girl bellowed, obviously upset at the idea of being unable to inflict divine punishment on the teen. "Why should I!"
"You can either give me the payment and go with them through the worlds, or you can be stuck here in this timeless version of Tokyo with me for all eternity." Yuuko smirked as the girl physically relented. The witch outstretched her arm to accept the large flaring red ball of energy that emerged from the EVA pilot. Her gaze shifted to the shrunken shinigami.
"Rukia, your payment is your chappy konpaku."
"Not chappy," she whined, but nodded at her taller friend.
Ichigo reached into the pocket of her gigai and pulled out the bunny shaped pez-like dispenser. He tossed it all too happily at Watanuki he fumbled a bit before catching it.
"Ichigo, your payment-" she was cut off by a desperate sounding Shinji.
"What's my payment?"
Yuuko looked to him for a moment. "You have nothing of value to the universe." The teen hung his head in defeat as he realized she had called him worthless, to which Asuka smirked devilishly. At least someone had agreed with her. "Ichigo, your payment… is your height."
"Excuse me!" he screeched, not liking where this was going.
The woman said nothing as he stared darkly at her. It wasn't her fault after all. She didn't get to choose what the universe demanded for equality. Soul Society had definitely better give him a nice vacation for this. He nodded in a defeat, closing his eyes. Upon opening them a few seconds later, he found himself nearly a foot shorter, standing at five foot even. He still possessed his strength though. It could have been worse. She could have taken Zangetsu from him. The orangette looked down to see the noble Kuchiki girl laughing quietly behind her hand, to which he rolled his eyes.
Yuuko looked to the white puff ball in Watanuki's arms. "Mokona, if you would."
The rabbit like creature, opened its large mouth, swallowing the two white books in Watanuki's arms before floating over above the group, large wings spreading out. A large golden circle appeared beneath their feet, the same symbols as the one Ichigo and Shinji had both seen before appearing here. Bending down, Ichigo quickly grabbed Rukia by the collar of her shihakushou.
"Hang on!" he cried out to her as the circle began to spin.
"Mokona Modoki ready to go!" the cream puff cheered as she flew a small circle around the group, opening her large mouth.
They were instantly consumed and found themselves falling in a gold and red tunnel. Shinji instantly recognized it from before. So this was how you traveled from world to world. Suddenly there was a bright light beneath them, which grew in intensity as they fell closer and closer. Rukia clung tightly to Ichigo's white button up as the teen reached out and grabbed Shinji's wrist firmly.
"Don't let go!" he ordered and watched as the greenette grabbed Shinji's other wrist firmly.
All eyes squeezed shut as the light grew too bright. It was at that moment a loud girly scream echoed in the subspace and Ichigo knew why Yuuko hadn't taken anything from the brunette. It was because he was a coward.
(A/N: Shin-man and I randomly came up with this idea when discussing a fanfic to write together in our free time. Just a note, we're not currently taking suggestions for animes to use right now, but when we do, we'll let ya know. ^.^)
Mazoku-sempai: I don't understand why everyone is a douche to Shinji. He's a pretty nice guy.
Shin-man: It's because he's too nice.
Mazoku-sempai: How the fuck can you be too nice?
Shin-man: It's his meek and eager attitude. He is just asking to be treated like shit.