Disclaimer: We don't own anything but a pair of sick minds. Very, very sick minds that get somehow sicker when combined.

A/N: Welcome to another comp between me and the wonderful ItachiSasukeSama! Yipee! Hopefully you'll like this one as much as our others. It is, as usual, ItaSasu. We haven't really discussed or decided whether or not Madara or Izuna will be making an appearance, but after I finish writing this authors note I'll put up a poll about that. (As if I can't guess your answer)

Umm.. what else to say here? Oh right, I forgot that not all of you guys are as smut-crazy as we are...

WARNING: This work of FICTION contains graphic sexual situations. Rated NC-17. Please do not read if it's unadvised in your country. Thank you :)

Now with that said, please Enjoy!

Itachi Uchiha was a genius. This was something that he'd been very much aware of, for as long as he could remember being aware of anything. He was smart in a way that was ridiculously above average. He was a child prodigy. He was the pride of his clan. He was perfect. He was seldom used to ever having to debate anything with anyone, because most that knew him would assume that whatever he said was right simply because it was him that had said it.

He did have a select few friends who would argue with him when they thought he was wrong, but he needed someone to have real conversation with. He loved arguing and proving people wrong from time to time, yes – but only if he was actually right.

Thus, with the help of his friend Deidara, he discovered the wonder that we call the Internet. Deidara insisted that on the internet, people would simply "Troll for the sake of trolling" which sounded exactly like Itachi's type of scene. After convincing his blond haired companion that whatever a "hipster" was, he most certainly did not fit into that demographic, he managed to weasel out the name of a forum where people did absolutely nothing but argue. It seemed strange that such a place would exist, but Itachi was never one to turn down an educational disagreement, so two weeks later he convinced himself to get an account on this website and see what the people were talking about.

The site had a very basic form for him to fill out, and he gazed at it, making sure that he had all of that information. Always more old fashioned than his peers – Itachi wasn't exactly what you'd call internet savvy, so it took him a while to understand that when they asked him for a password they wanted a new one, not one that they expected him to magically already know. Were he not so prideful, he'd have asked his younger brother (who was internet obsessed) to come and help him, but he was prideful, and Sasuke had been really weird and distant lately anyway.

Alas, he filled out the form, only to have the font at the top tell him that he couldn't use his name as his password. That was inconvenient, so instead he tried spelling out his name in Morse Code with periods and hyphens instead, only to have the red font tell him that their website wouldn't allow punctuation in the password. Annoyed, he looked around his room and reluctantly entered the word 'lamp' as a password.

That word didn't have five or more letters, though. The internet was a frustrating thing already, but he was determined. Checking around the room again, his password became 'chair' and he smiled at his small accomplishment – only to have the red font tell him that after all his battling with the damn password, that his user-name was already taken.

He glared at it, thinking that they should have told him that at the same time they told him his password was no good, but oh well. The user-name he'd tried to use had impulsively been 'Onigiri' because it was what he was eating at the moment and good lord it was delicious. He pouted down at the bundle of rice and cabbage sadly, feeling oddly as if he'd betrayed his favourite food by failing to set it as his user-name. Who the hell else would want that to be their user-name anyway? There were seriously some idiots in this world. Admittedly, Itachi himself had tried to use it - but that was different, he didn't know how, but it just was.

The site suggested he try Onigiri4562478 which seemed very drastic in his opinion. He frowned and typed in 'Onigiri69' which wasn't taken, and made him wonder why they'd have suggested something so outrageous in the first place. At last, he had himself an account. He felt very accomplished, and knew that his father would be disappointed by that, but oh well - its not like he would ever be finding out anyway.

When he'd finally secured an internet identity for himself, Itachi went to the website to see what people were talking about. It had options listed so that you could speak about international issues or go to a separate section for your area, deciding that Konoha was too personal and somewhere halfway across the world was to rash – he just typed in 'Japan' and hoped for the best. Surely enough there was a forum that was simply Japanese. He smiled at it, glad to have some familiarity while still not knowing anyone, and began to start scrolling through the posts.

At first they were very boring, and he realized that although this was a public forum people got very bold when their names weren't out in the world. One girl was desperately asking if she should be afraid that her period was a week and a half late, or if that just had something to do with her sleeping more lately. Itachi snorted in disgust – wondering if this girl meant sleeping more or sleeping around. Her user-name was CandyEyes21 and he felt like she chose to pop the twenty-one on the end in hopes that people would mistake her for a mature adult even though everything about her reeked of adolescence.

The next post to catch his eye was from someone who called themselves ThinWillWin and she had a post up about how she'd accidentally eaten four hundred calories today, even though she was on something called th diet, and she was supposed to have only had two. Another girl called ProAna98 assured her that she could do a vigorous workout and burn the extra two hundred, but not to make slip ups a habit. Itachi shivered in disgust, and was reminded that sick things like this were exactly why he preferred men. Woman just went through too much to look good, and their bodies weren't even interesting! Much too curvy, much too soft – although curvy and soft looked good on some people - people who had flat chests, a set jaw and something highly interesting between their legs that was very delicious with a hint of curve, though it was not as fun when soft.

Disgusted by the amount of young girls with eating disorders and old men who wanted nothing more than to take advantage of a young girl with an eating disorder – Itachi opened another sub-tab in the forum that would apparently lead him to the post that had earned the most hits and comments that day, hoping that it wouldn't be about something crude.

Thank god, it wasn't. It was actually... quite intelligent, though Itachi was surprised to find how difficult that was for him to admit. It was by someone who called themselves JealousAngel and he found himself thinking that maybe they were a girl, though there was something decidedly masculine in the writing style that suggested otherwise. This post was talking about the Japanese police system, and how corrupt it was. It complained about many things – from the way that the officers were overworked and underpaid, to the way that the citizens were over-abused and uncared-for. He nodded along with parts of it, but overall, he had to disagree, and he said so.

His first comment on the forum wasn't rude, simply to the point, and it merely stated that while the Japanese police were clearly not trying their best to be gentle all of the time, they had about no respect from the citizens, and when an authoritative figure isn't given proper respect, they begin to doubt their authority and sometimes may feel the need to prove it through violence or neglect.

JealousAngel did not agree. He countered that if a policeman took the job, he should take it to defend the people, and that something as simple as defense didn't require respect. Why would the people respect a government that left them unfed and cold?

The argument went on and on until they discovered that they were the only two people commenting anymore, and Itachi blushed slightly to himself when he looked at the clock and noticed how late it was getting. He'd completely lost track of time talking to this kid. He jumped a little when he saw a neon green message jump out at him. It read: JealousAngel Wants To Private Chat, then in smaller font Accept? Or Decline? He pressed accept, and a little chat box popped up. He blinked twice and there was already a little chime that meant the other guy had typed something.

JealousAngel: I don't mean to be rude, but it's getting late and I have school in the morning.

Itachi's mouth dropped open. Surely there was no way that a mere schoolboy had held his own against the Itachi Uchiha.

Onigiri69: School? Like high-school?

JealousAngel: Oh, please don't tell me you're one of those creeps who stalks the pro-ana section...

Pro-Ana? Itachi had no idea what that was, so he decided he could safely say that he was most definitely not one of those creeps. Besides, he didn't stalk anyone. Uchihas did not stalk. When it was absolutely necessary they could develop a tendency to follow and observe. That was all.

Onigiri69: No. I was merely curious because I find you to be moderately more intelligent than a child of your age usually is. And while we're on this subject – how old are you exactly?

JealousAngel: No "asl" for you, pervert!

JealousAngel has logged off.

Click Here to return to the previous page

Itachi frowned, not understanding what was so perverted about asking a boy how old he was. Then again, he supposed there were things about the internet that would take him a bit longer to comprehend. Maybe he was too smart to interpret something that was mostly inhabited by such simplistic and inferior minds.

He shut down his computer and stepped away from his desk, picking up the plate that he'd been munching his onigiri on earlier in the evening and walking out of his room to take it to the kitchen. He ran water in the sink and took his time washing his plate and some other dishes that someone else must have left for him to deal with. Itachi liked washing dishes, it was nice to rest his over-active mind on such a mundane task, and the feeling of the warm water on his hands and sometimes forearms was pleasant.

He flinched and almost dropped his mother's favorite mug when he heard a very distraught yelp from the general direction of the hallway – it had to be Sasuke. It wasn't quite womanly enough to have been Mikoto and if it was Fugaku then surely a pig had just flown by on wings.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Itachi rinsed out the mug quickly, placed it in the drying rack, and went to check on his foolish brother. Three quick knocks on Sasuke's door earned him another screech of terror, and Itachi rolled his eyes – already knowing what the problem was. He covered his ears the best he could with one hand, then opened the door with the other – fully prepared for the way his brother shrieked upon his entry.

When Sasuke's horrific screaming died down, Itachi gazed at the child with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. Well – gazed at Sasuke might be a bit of an overstatement. He gazed at Sasuke's duvet. Sasuke himself was a quivering lump underneath of said duvet.

"Please don't hurt me..." The teen's whispered request made it obvious that he was crying hysterically.

"It's me, you idiot." Itachi said with a slight bitterness in his tone. "How many times has Mom told you not to watch scary movies if they keep you up all night?"

Sasuke immediately yanked his covers off of himself, displaying his half-nudity with zero shame. After all, they were brothers. Itachi had seen it all before, though he had to admit, he'd never noticed quite how pert his otouto's nipples got on cold nights until this moment. Sasuke's chin was jutted out defiantly, and the face he was making suggested that whatever he'd been afraid of would have been more welcome walking into his room than Itachi was.

"I can watch whatever the hell I want to watch, Itachi. It's none of your damn business whether or not I scare myself shitless. Besides, I'll have you know that I did not watch a scary movie tonight!"

Itachi smirked. "Reading scary stories, then?"

Sasuke looked pointedly away from his brother's knowing face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Itachi asked, even though he knew that Sasuke absolutely did not want to talk about it.

"No, I want you to get out of my room."

Itachi couldn't help but smile a little, having just received the exact reply he'd expected to.

"Shall I guard your door from the scary bad guys?"


Laughing, Itachi retreated to his own bedroom and stripped down to his boxers. He took a deep contented breath and leaned back, letting himself collapse onto his bed. Again, he chanced a glance at the clock. It was even later now, in an hour or two birds would begin their chirping outside. He hoped that Sasuke's ridiculousness hadn't woken their parents, or they'd both be in for a lecture the next morning... plus he had to go out and apply for jobs tomorrow, so he really shouldn't have let himself stay up in the first place.

With other random inconsequential thoughts drifting in and out of his head, Itachi fell into a thick and dreamless sleep.

A/N: We thank you for reading (if you have, which if you're reading this then you have indeed) We hope that you've enjoyed this first chapter and that you'll be excited for more - I deserve less appreciation as the more masterful Beloved here for this chapter, as she's worked rather a lot more on this one - so please leave her (OK, us) some lovely feedback so we might write some more for you all.

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We love you for reading

-Beloved and ItachiSasukeSama