A/N: omfg I missed writing to I wrote this. And secrets didn't have much Niam in it so here~ this is kind of drawn from personal experience but foaifej. I have literally lost the ability to tell what is quality and what isn't anymore so please tell me what you think :3
also just a small note, "I'm Sorry" got removed! TT_TT but if you still want to read it, It's up on my tumblr (niall-wh0rean) and that's also where I'll be posting the follow up. but I don't think I'll be posting it again here. ):
Everyone has insecurities.
The little voice in the back of your head that points out your flaws.
I've always been self conscious, I guess that means the voice is just a little louder for me. But I have something to counter it now. A much sweeter voice. Liam's voice.
Liam and I have been dating for just a few days but every time he compliments me I can hear the voice fade. Liam is mine. And he accepts my flaws. For now.
I hate the voice. Every time I'm around Liam it goes away. But somehow, his words are losing their meaning. Very slowly. And every time he tries to comfort me they become less effective.
But the voice. The worst part. When he's gone it's like the voice is always beside me. Speaking just loud enough so I can hear it. Always.
I can't ignore the voice anymore. It's there when Liam is with me and when he's away. Contradicting ever positive word he says. I told him about the voice and he thinks I should see a therapist.
"please, just go talk to somebody for me. I-I'm worried about you." he grasps my hand in both of his.
you piece of shit. Making poor Liam fuss over you. He has enough to deal with without you. "I'm sorry. I don't know if I'm quite ready for that sort of… Commitment yet." I mumble into my lap. "I'm fine. Really."
Liam's eyebrows knit together in concern. "Niall. I love you." he doesn't. "I just want you happy" even though you don't deserve it "we'll talk later, yeah?" he stands up and places a light kiss to my cheek.
"yeah." I say quietly as he walks from my bedroom. And then he shuts the door behind him. And I'm in hell.
he's never coming back.
He's just left forever.
He doesn't want you anyway, he's just with you so you don't go off yourself or something.
Maybe you should just kill yourself.
It'd be much better for everyone.
Do it. Do it!
"LIAM!" the cry escapes my mouth before I can help it. He's back in my room in less than a minute.
"what is it love?" he still looks so concerned. I make a mental note to punish myself later.
and for the 3rd time that week the most pathetic sentence tumbles out of my mouth. "c-could you stay with me tonight?" I feel a hot blush creep up my face.
He smiles. His warm, comforting smile. "of course." he crosses the room and sits back down on the bed with me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "it's nothing to be ashamed of." he whispers.
The voice is a scream now. Around everything I do, the voice is yelling at me. Especially around Liam.
you're not good enough!
They all wish you'd just die!
Just do them all a favor and kill yourself!
They wouldn't cry if you were gone!
You worthless piece of shit!
Liam's sleepovers are an every night occurrence. And every day I act like I'll be fine, but as soon as he leaves the room it takes all my strength not to slit my wrists or tie a noose or take every pill I can find. So he stays. And I wish he didn't have to.
I finally spoke with the therapist Liam has been telling me to see. It was even worse than I'd expected. Not because I couldn't talk about it. But because Liam wasn't there. And when Liam's not there, the voice is all I hear. Like a roomful of conversations, yet I can hear ever razor sharp word with perfect clarity.
I don't know how much longer I'll last.
That's all the voice tells me anymore. I've given up. No more insults. No more games. Just a pure longing to die. And I've decided it's time. Tonight will be the last time Liam sees me. Alive.
I've been in the hospital for 2 weeks. It's weird, without the voice here. It my desperate attempt at suicide, I'd only managed to kill the voice.
It was still there at times, but seeing how people worried after I'd taken all those pills has lessened it's bite. I'm so glad Liam found me. Who knows where I'd be now if he hadn't.
And maybe this had to happen. Maybe I needed this, if only to get rid of the voice. Maybe in the big picture the voice was good for me or maybe it was bad but all that counts is that it's gone. It's sharp words no more than a gentle tug at the back of my mind. And I'm getting better.
Because everyone has insecurities. Right?
A/N: oh my god what is quality I don't even. please leave me a review/feedback/prompt for another one shot. now that I'm on summer vacation I can write more often soo yeah :3