- No Shame -
I was waiting for something to happen. I just knew it. Even my trusty Alakazam was on his feet, peering into every corner of the room as if something were about to pounce. I got on my feet and looked closely at the door of my room.
And there it was, the turn of the knob, the squeak of the door echoing throughout the room with a figure standing behind it. It didn't take me long to realise who it was, with his small chuckle and eyes that matched mine.
"You still sitting there?" I nodded, "Get that pen out of your mouth,"
My eyes darted to the mirror, and indeed I had this plastic biro in my mouth, which I didn't even realise. Was I really that absorbed in my thoughts at the time?
"Gosh, Kioshi, you scare me sometimes. You're like a Zubat that won't come out of its cave. You need to socialize more."
I pouted at this, "I do socialize. Just not with idiots like you."
He too mirrored my pout, his playful eyes lingering on me with a cheeky smile being displayed, "Aw, don't be so mean Kioshi!"
I grunted at this. Takeo. My brother. With his perfect eyes, perfect hair and perfect everything else: so the girls at school used to say. He was three years older than me, and travelled around the region as if there were nothing better to do. However, he was Takeo. To others, he is a god, a wiz at everything he puts his mind to. The best of the best, a person who had absolutely no care in the world for anything else at all. He was perfect; but in my eyes, he was a moron. An imbecile. A damn reckless sod who has no care for anyone but himself…and me, so he makes people think. It almost made me angry though. Perfect Takeo. Ugh, it made me sick. However, he was strong. He had fought for the country since he was sixteen, though quickly realised how leaving me alone wasn't the best thing and had swiftly returned home two years later to find me here.
At this point Alakazam stood next to me, his eyes peering at me, trying to read my feelings. He was good at that though. I almost felt a smile about to linger on my lips, but I caught myself in time and only offered a small caressing of the nose on Alakazam, which he took kindly too.
"When I mean socialize Kioshi, I mean with humans. You know? The ones with noses and eyes and hair," Takeo grinned, "kind of like you, but not a dill weed in the slightest."
I stayed silent and sighed at my brother's childishness. He'll be twenty-one this year, an adult, and here he is trying to mock a seventeen year old in an argument he knows he won't win. Taking my hand off Alakazam's nose, I headed back to the seat at my desk.
A thought quickly whizzed around my mind, "What are you doing here?"
"To see you," he said as a 'matter-of-factly'.
I scrunched my nose up and let it relax again while I glared at him, "That's not true."
Suddenly, his grin faded and his eyes that used to gleam suddenly darkened. I stared at him a while longer before looking at the pieces of paper that had scribbled words on it once again. A few seconds had passed, and the only friend in the room that made any sort of noise was the clock hanging on the wall and the creaks of the floorboards as my brother rested himself on the edge of my bed.
"You do know what day it is…right?" he stated.
As much as I wanted to scream at him with the answer, I did him a favor and stayed in absolute silence as my body started to wrench with some sort of emotion that I knew too well.
'Don't let the silence take you Kioshi,' I heard her sweet voice say, running through my mind as it consumed my thoughts completely, "there are going to be times in your life that you have to be brave enough…to show your feelings. You need to be able to dream out aloud. That to me…is valiance…'
"…Yes." I muttered with my bangs hanging over my eyes.
"That's why I've arrived."
"So I guessed."
"Then why didn't you say anything when I asked you minutes ago?" He questioned. I heard another creak, from the bed this time, informing me how Takeo had got up.
"…I don't know." I replied. Suddenly a hand grasped my shoulder and I knew instantly who it was.
That wasn't true though. I knew exactly why I didn't say anything at all. I was afraid of having to face the sadness that my brother would carry. However, that wasn't it. There was more to this writer's story, more to this tale that was unfolding, but to be honest, I didn't want it to open at all. With that, I shrugged off my brother's hand quickly and rushed towards the door with my bangs once again on my eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I could almost feel my Alakazam's presence and I swiftly glared at him before turning my head to the floor once again. Once that was done, I could not feel his presence lingering around me anymore.
My hand was on the knob and I looked back, watching these two pairs of eyes fall upon me: one pair black, another that matched my own. I couldn't stand the sight anymore and I almost felt myself tremble; but I wouldn't do that in front of them. Not today of all days. I'll be strong for him today. With that, I was off.
It didn't take me long at all to reach my location, the small enclosure in the forest was decorated naturally by beautiful flora and magnificent tall trees that towered over everything. It was colourful, vibrant and bright in the opening, with the sound of the forest echoing. Butterfrees were resting with a group of pidgeys keen eyes peering at him as I rested my back along the grand tree. The bark was rough against my back, even through the clothes, but I didn't really care enough for it to stop me in my moment of sadness. I didn't mind pokemon seeing me in this state, because they don't understand, unlike my sibling and the pokemon, Alakazam, which had been given to me by my father before he had left for the navy. It was better to be in sorrow this way. It had been a good few minutes as I wept and wept, with the tears streaming down my face. However I did not sob. Heavens no. I wept, only drops running down my cheeks, though they had stained them and I could feel my face beginning to heat up. I mean, it was better to let your emotions out rather than keep them in. I found that unhealthy; but I found it embarrassing to cry in front of another human.
My hand cascaded down my trousers, to the pockets more specifically. I grasped something in the pocket, something wrong and metal feeling, exactly what I was looking for. Pulling it out, I almost felt the need to weep again; I contained myself though and observed the small, golden locket with the words 'Love' inscribed on it. I usually would chuckle at the cheesiness and 'cliché-ness 'of it all. A locket, the word 'love' and someone sobbing about a lost love one. How cheesy, but true.
I caressed the shape of the locket, my fingers gliding across it's rounded shape before gripping onto one end of it and opening it with a smile being the first thing I could see on the woman's face. She had black hair, like my brother's; with lips red like a rose and her eyes were a violet colour, very rare indeed. At least, so I was told. She was sat on the floor with her arms around two children, this being my brother and I, his black hair clashing with my blonde. My eyes started watering as I saw the smiles on all out faces. Even my father who lingered in the background with his eyes fixed on my mother and showed a toothy grin. A tear suddenly found itself on the picture and I frantically wiped it, almost in a panic, as if it would smudge my dear mother's face. This was all I had left, and I would not lose her gleaming smile to a simple teardrop.
"Well someone is having an off day," someone said, in a hushed tone, shaking me out of my thoughts "the 'Great Kioshi Tanaka' is actually sobbing."
"Be quiet." I mutter back, though it was meant to come out aggressively, I could only hear a husky little boy's voice saying the words; and I hated it, "I wasn't sobbing, I'm…weeping." Dammit…stupid voice.
"What's the difference? Both represent the same kind of emotion, don't they?" She questioned, before a sigh escaped her lips. Though I was not looking, I found that a shadow had come across me ever so slightly, suggesting how this figure was looking down at me, "Honestly, Kioshi, you make me worry sometimes. I walk into your house and find some guy with black hair on the bed, sobbing to himself for some reason," she paused, "I guessed that it was your brother, considering you both had the same eyes, he also told me what had happened and I had to calm him down; the big softie," she sighed while I chuckled at the thought before she kneeled down, though through my bangs I could not see her face, "At first I had thought it was because you had punched him for some reason. But I didn't see any bruises or swollen places on his face, so I left to go off and find you, thinking you'd probably had a tantrum again."
I grinned at this thought, imaging that myself as a young boy in a cape having a tantrum while my father would have to calm me down and bribe me with packs of sweets and trips to the circus; but I also felt a little awkward that she was having to try and look at me through my bangs, but I wouldn't allow her too, I couldn't let her see me like this.
"You are so thick, Kioshi. Coming here to cry, as if it makes any difference," she mocked, with a cruel tone to her voice, "honestly, you think walking away and crying by yourself is brave do you? Well it isn't."
That wasn't true.
"Shut up," I sneered yet muttered. Once again, the voice came out husky, and weak. Weak for goodness sake!
She was right in a way, but I wouldn't admit it to her. She'd always had a way of beating me: physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally. She was everything I wish I were. A hero; and as I said before, every hero had those qualities which everyone wanted. She was another. Another Takeo. A warrior who always swooped down to save others arses, except she'd do this gracefully with charm on the edge, and everyone adored her for it. She was the adventurous out of us to; she was the one who got every trainer saying: 'check her out', 'she's going to be the one to watch out for', 'look how strong she is,' 'Wow, she's incredible!' etcetera.
I hated it…but I loved it too.
I had to love her. I wanted to. I adored her. She was my best friend, for ten full years, with her brown short hair and her amber eyes. The only person who dared to even grace me with a 'hello' even though I showed how much I didn't want anyone to approach me. She was the only one who had inspired me to do what I do. To write about valiance, and was the one to show me what it was all about in it's different shapes and forms, from the time she ran in to help that young girl who was stuck in a blizzard so recklessly to the time she battled Team Galactic when they stole an important artifact from Professor Rowan's lab. She was my best friend, my best, best friend. She was a treasure I was graced with, no matter how many times I swore at her or pushed her away, she'd always stand there, even when we were thousands of miles a part. I wasn't graced by Arceus to have someone like her in my life, I was blessed. However, at that moment in time…I didn't feel that way.
"To be brave, Kioshi, is to face your fears in the face, not to run away. Yes, in those comics you read, being brave was to be able to fight and trample to villains in tough situations, well guess what Kioshi? In life it isn't like that all the time," I stayed silent, waiting for the voice to go on, "being valiant is different to everyone. To you, it is like a protagonist, swooping down to save the innocent from a horrible fate, and to stop those who are evil from getting in the way. But I think it's reckless, and stupid. You're like a little kid Kioshi, bottling everything up and prancing about as if everything were alright. But it isn't is it? You're still that kid with the mask on his face and the sword and the cape and god knows what else," she paused again, catching her breath as she did so as I saw her getting up onto her feet again, "you make everyone worry about you all the time. You don't socialize with anyone and I don't know how to help you any more Kioshi. I can't help you if you don't ask for help," she calmly stated, she was never the one to get angry, and at the moment I didn't need this kind of talk, but I still couldn't help but listen to her, even though a bubbling feeling of rage was spiraling out of control, "I can't comfort you if I can't physically see you wanting it. I know you do want it Kioshi but I can't help you unless you say. Being brave to you may be bottling up your feelings and saving it for a rainy day when no one can tell you're crying, but that isn't 'being brave'."
"Shut up," I muttered again. My body wrenched with anger, an anger bubbling inside of me, I felt my face heat up with rage and I took deep slow breaths as if I had held in a previous one for ages, "shut up."
"…So stop being a coward, and get up."
Don't call me a coward…don't…
"Shut the hell up, Arisu!" I yelled, grasping the ground at my side violently before pouncing up onto my feet and swinging the bangs of blonde locks away from my eyes only to find…
Suddenly I was confused… bewildered out of my mind at the events that had just occurred around me.
That wasn't it…I has just lost the ability to speak…because of the incongruous elegance of the girl in front of me, with a face that I hadn't seen in three years.
"Kioshi…" she sighed, her brown hair flowing to just above her shoulders, just framing her heart shaped face, "…to me, being brave is a lot more than using a sword and a shield," she paused as she stepped towards me with my eyes fixed on her golden amber eyes that sent me into a trance, "it isn't when you dash in to help a damsel in distress who needs you the most, and it isn't always about being heroic and bold," she put her hand on my chest and at that slightest touch, I had forgotten how to breath and continued to look at those rose red lips that I knew so well, "being brave, can be as simple as being able to face those fears you have in front of everyone and not caring what the world thinks of you in your time of need. I mean, we're all human. We all have emotions. Feel and hope. That isn't anything to be ashamed of," she smiled, while my eyes watered, my body was wrenching, it was almost painful, with spasms of grief and sadness shaking me to the core as I felt her arms wrap around my hips with her head on my shoulder and her lips near my ear, "we can't all be strong or brave all the time, trust me, I know. Another way of being brave to me Kioshi, is letting go."
"Kioshi!" Takeo screamed, his eyes red and full of worry, something I had never seen in my life before. He looked pale; with those tears he had shed staining his face.
"I know what day it is today, Takeo," I stated, not at all amused by Takeo's puzzled face, "it is the 3rd June, the day of mum's birthday and also the day…" I paused to wipe the tear that had slid down my cheek previously.
Dammit…I've already cried enough in front of Arisu…in her arms…like a child…
No…listen to Arisu for once Kioshi…listen. 'You aren't weak…you can be stronger now, grow stronger with your brother. Every hero needs their time to shed a tear or two.'
"…It's also the day mum lost her fight," I felt myself shake, "her fight for her life," I breathed, breath Kioshi, breath, I darted my eyes to the floor as I felt my breathing starting to slow down before whispering to him, "I'm sorry I never felt strong enough to say it before."
I found Takeo had put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to his eyes to find them welling up once more with water, and I finally admitted to myself that this was only natural for us two. To feel like this. There was no shame. We were strong, we'd fought this sadness for years, "No worries buddy," my brother said, trying his hardest not to let anymore tear flow, but this failed and I didn't belittle him for it. He was human after all...like me, "we all need to cry sometimes. Have no shame in it."
Once again, spasms of sadness wrenched my body, and I felt myself tremble under the weight of his hand on my shoulder, and those three words I had been longing to say without being judged suddenly came about, "I miss her."
Once again, for the second time that day, I didn't weep, I sobbed…and I didn't mind.
This story started out a lot differently than expected. It was meant to be set in the mind of Kioshi, the writer who was having trouble to find inspiration and than found it in the most unlikely place; but it turned into an insight into the mind of Kioshi, the boy with a huge lose and someone who doesn't know when to be brave and when it is okay to not be brave. I really enjoyed writing it though, a hell of a lot to be quite frank. It definitely isn't one of my best works and I don't expect it to get any reviews because it is a little confusing since you guys don't know much about the characters (look on my profile near the bottom to find out more about the characters). But seriously, I never really planned this, it just flowed into a random message into another and the beginning suddenly didn't fit, but I liked it too much to delete it, so I'm going to use it in another one shot about how Kioshi finds his inspiration, which is what this was supposed to be about, but I failed! Writing this was actually a good way to get me out of my writer's block. I did this in one day actually, 5 hours straight despite it's rubbish-ness. I think it would be a waste if I didn't post this. It is a little bit of an insight into how Arisu effects Kioshi in the future after he's met her, but I definitely have to do something on how they met. I know my profile says I'm on a hiatus, but this was not only a way to get my creative juices flowing, but also practice for my English Language exam, which has a creative writing task at the end of it. I don't really expect review for this now, but maybe in the future when people understand Kioshi's ways better. I actually really love my OC Kioshi though. I seriously enjoy writing about him, and the bickering between them (Kioshi, Takeo and Arisu). But yes, anyways. I hope you kind of enjoyed this (it is pretty shit, let's be honest, I already know that) xD
Love to all my readers anyways and you guys can shoot me after I finish Pressed Love for being such an idiot/unreliable sod! I am actually going to finish that story...seriously.
P.S. I didn't realise how tiring writing is sometimes…I will probably come back to edit this if there are mistakes, point out to me if there are any major ones. I can't find any spelling ones but I do have a tendency of saying 'in' instead of 'it' or something like that because I'm that thick. 3,444 words of pure bull :L