disclaimer: i own nothing. excepts idea.
plus, you might want to read 'happy' but that's not really necessary.

by BigBenMitchell

Freddie never admits this, but sometimes he dreamt of Carly Shay, his best friend. But not in a creepy way where he would tell you about it and all you want to do is call the police because it sounded so wrong. No, he dreamt of Carly, what she used to be and what she has become. He dreamt of seeing fireworks and his first thought would be; Carly. Because his whole life, he had it pictured in his head that Carly is a firework. Not the kind of way that made you jump, the kind of way that made you memorized by staring at it. Her laughs, he remembered how it sounded like, it bursts into the air and he would smile. Her smile, the way it warms his heart, the way the fireworks would make him feel. Her emotions, the thousand fireworks it would display, that's the colour of her thousand emotions. Just swirling with each other and made a wonderful Carly Shay.

That's how Freddie always dream of her.

But then he witnesses as the fireworks dies down and all he could hear is her crying. It's faint, like it's far away, far beyond his reach. He would scream for her. Asking her where she is and he can see himself wondering around in a black void and he runs, rushing, panting but no matter what he does, she's beyond his reach. And it haunts him, her crying. Like she wants his help, yet she's keeping it away from him. He wanted to tell her he wants to help her and the next thing he knew, he's crying too because realization hits him and... He can't help her. He doesn't know why, but he can't. And he feels helpless. He wants to kick and screams and punches something, but he can't. It wouldn't help anyway. He's crying because he knows he couldn't help Carly and the dream ends as that, her crying haunts him until he wakes up.

And when he does wake up, a tear would roll down his cheek. Because the dream, he thinks he considers it as nightmare even more, caught up to the reality. That maybe, back in his mind is telling him, that Carly is really crying and he is too blind to see it.

Carly had lost her father not too long ago. Her father dies during battle, was attacked by some terrorist that she wouldn't speak of. Neither he nor Sam speaks of it, really. They just stand there by her as the soldier lower down the coffin into the ground. They saw how Carly cried, and cried and cried and finally... she shattered. She screaming, screeching and yelling for her father to wake up. She screamed at the sky ahead and questions why did they take him away from her. He remembers Carly almost launch herself at her father, but couldn't when his arms were fast enough to wrap it around her small body. It all seems like yesterday when she yelled at him to let her go because she needed to wake her father up, she struggled until he brought her to her knees and all that's left to do for her is to cry. So she did. Right in front of her father's grave, in his arms.

She cried and he had held her. Sam stands beside them and could only put a hand on his shoulder, because he knows she doesn't know what to do of this situation. Apparently, even the bravest, boldest girl he had known doesn't know what to do when her best friend is on the edge of the world. He didn't either, so that's mostly why all they had to offer was to be besides her when it all happened. She didn't object, but she didn't seem to acknowledge their presence either. But her fingers did come to grip on his strong arms and Freddie couldn't really let go of those feelings. The coldness of her fingers against his arms that could only radiant with warmth. She ducked her head lower and shut her eyes completely; the tears streaming down her face are as if waterfall falls from a high peak. Then something clicked in Freddie's heart; Carly will never be the same.

She appears just the same. Her clothes are simple as usual and the way she pulls her hair up is just like it was before. But it's not the same. Her smile are not fireworks, the way she walks doesn't show the real her, the tiredness in her eyes weakens everyone around her. She laughs, she smiles and she even make jokes sometimes, but it was never the same. The air he feels, it's sour. It's bitter. It's not fun anymore. The way she never really concentrates on anything anymore, the way her smiles are just up for the show- not genuine, not even real, the way she is entirely- it's not like he had remembered her.

He had asked her once, only once whether she's okay or not. And she had answered him, a little too quickly; a little too fake for his own taste that she's fine. But she's not. No, she's certainly not. But he could see it in his eyes, the way it's not really deep brown anymore, the way it pleads him to just drop it. He has his doubts. He gritted his tooth and clenches his fist just as slightly. It's nothing, Freddie, her eyes said, and something deep inside of him, the urge to just ask more of it, is strong... but he didn't push her. So he nodded his head and acted like it's every day's questions. It's just, it's not. It's not every day's question. She's sick, she needs help but he couldn't help her. He didn't even try.

He knew about Spencer. Spencer is never around anymore. He's mostly stuck in his apartment; drown himself in bottles of liquor. He's not the same either. He's lost, in his own world. If he isn't drunk, then there must be something wrong. Freddie comes to visit sometimes, sometimes he comes visit alone, sometimes it's with Sam, and he would greet them like usual. But on the floor, one leg up on the chair and one hand is gripping on a bottle. They came, they make sure he's alive and he'd ask a few questions. Sometimes Freddie told him about Gibby or about Sam. He once updates him that they're (Sam and he) going strong, Sam's making an effort to keep her job, they have an apartment together and he has a great life. And Freddie saw something in Spencer's eyes. Those eyes of his showed something of sympathy and sad... and Freddie doesn't know what it really meant but he had shrugged it off because that guy's not totally right in his head anymore. Not when there's a bunch of bottle around him.

He's happy now, with Sam. Maybe too happy because he could feel it, it's slow and it's almost invisible. But he could feel it, the presence of Carly slipping away from them. From him. Slowly, through his fingers but he doesn't do anything to stop it. The dynamic of the iCarly trio is going to meet its end. Maybe it has ended for a long time ago; he just wouldn't dare himself to say it. He hates it, the image of having the rest of his life without Carly because his whole life, she's there. Just there, even if she's around the corner, but she's there with her smile and her head tilted to the right just a bit and her raven hair flows behind her. But she's not going to be there anymore. Because he feels it, the way she's slipping away from him. And it is as if he is standing there, watching it all happened but have no power to stop it. He's useless, worthless if you may.

He looks at the sky above him and feels slightly relief when he sees stars. He had just sent his newly fiancé home. They had picnic- him, Sam and Carly a few hours ago. The whole point of them having picnic were because he was planning on proposing to Sam by the lake. They went back home and left Carly, who asked to be left alone, on the wide grass field a little far away from the lake. Just an hour after arriving home, after he had made love with Sam, he called Carly's apartment but it reached her voicemail. So wearing his converse in and kissing Sam's on the temple, he walks out of his apartment and drove back to the field. There, he saw Carly, lying among the green grass.

"What are you doing here, Freddie?" she asks, her voice is empty and emotionless. Just like that, he knew she's in pain. He had always known somehow, it's just... as they are alone under the night sky, it becomes more obvious. And something in his stomach drops. Could he be the cause of it? He couldn't, could he? Freddie purses his lips together. Even Carly's eyes, it's not fireworks anymore. It's glossy and reflects the hurt she has been desperately tried to hide. Glossy, could she have been crying?

"I'm here to check on you." He said swiftly. It's obvious the desperate feeling of knowing whether Carly's okay or not is there in his tone of voice and for a second, he's embarrassed. He licks his lip, "are you okay?"

She smiles a lazy smile- no, a pathetic one. She's mocking him. "Yeah, of course," she's lying. He knew she's lying. But the way she says it. The tone of her voice that comes out so cool and calm, he actually fools himself to think that she really is okay. But you can see it on her face, on her whole body that she's not okay. Her face, it's puffy. She has been crying. Her eyes, its way too lazy to open up, it is as if she has given up on this world. Her voice, it's weak. Carly Shay isn't weak, she's firework. Always has been, and always will be... he thinks. He continues to stare down at her. She looks older now. Mature, if you can so. Beautiful, just like she has always been but ...really pale. Is it healthy to be that way? That pale. It couldn't be. It's just... no way.

"You don't look so well," he said honestly. This time, he's not giving up. He's not going to shrug it off like he did the last time. Something deep inside of him asks him to stay. He needs to stay.

"Go home, Freddie." She tells him, her voice sounded bitter.

Freddie sighs and drops his head. His converse plays with the ground underneath him. "I can't," he admits slowly. Then his eyes trained on her face. She's looking at him too. She's observing him, trying to find an angle through his effort, trying to read him off. He runs his finger through his dark brown hair, "You need to go home, Carly."

"But I like it here. I really like it here. Don't you understand?"

Silence stretches over them and the only sound they could hear is the cricket. He lets her lie down on the ground while he stands there over her. She closes her eyes, a smile spread on her lips and a trickle of tear runs down her eyes. He wants to bend down, wipe her tears away but he couldn't move. Under the night sky, she looks so peaceful. She looks... like her old self. Almost. It has been so long, he realizes when they were just the two of them together and this is nice. "Let's go home, Carly," he said finally.

And she nods her head, standing up slowly. "Okay," she sounds defeated and something in him flips with guilty. He grabs hers skinny fingers in his large ones as he leads her to his car. They drove in the night sky, through a bunch of cars only to lead up to her apartment. Along the way, it was quiet. He lets himself drown by the sounds of Carly humming a tune. He recognized that song somewhere but he couldn't quite place it.

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

They finally reach her apartment. She slips from his car and walks on to her apartment door. He comes following behind. She dips in the key through the doorknob and turn it. The door clicks and with a swift movement, it opens up. She walks in and stops, looking back at him. She says her thank for driving her home and he nods. Somehow, his fingers twitch because he feels as though if he lets her in, he would let go of her and not going to see her again. And he knows that is ridiculous somehow. But he knows she's not okay and it kills him inside. Eating him up alive the fact that he can't help her. "Carly," he began.

"Yeah?" she asks, her eyes look up to him.

"You used to remind me of fireworks," he said honestly.

She scoffs, "What happened?"

"I don't know," he shrugs, his words are slow. Because it's the truth. He really doesn't know what had happened to that fact. Silence once again and finally, she nods her head as if she understands. She shrugs her shoulder and her thin lips seem to be sucking in some breaths. "I'm sorry," was all she said before shutting the door close. He stands there for a few minute before finally decide that he needs to go home. He did and that night, he dreamt of fireworks. It all started the same and ended up the same. He sees fireworks bursting out and then dies down. He hears Carly's crying but he couldn't help her. He keeps searching for her but he couldn't find her. He wakes up abruptly, not abrupt enough to wake up his fiancé that is sound asleep by his side, and buries his face in his hand as he cries. He cries because his nightmare caught up to reality. He cries slowly, and hopes that Carly hears it even from far away that, "I'm sorry. I really, really am sorry."

kinds of like a spin-off from 'happy'. It's sucks, I know. I might do another one, though. This time it's Spencer's POV. Be nice with the reviews, kay? Oh and the song are I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. It's the same song from 'happy' too.