Miss You

A/N Rax song shot.

I was catching up on the rax fics and I was listening to this song and was completely inspired by one line (I'll tell you at the end which one) After that the song shot sort of wrote itself. The song is by Nate Feuerstein and it's called Miss You. It's a rap song (for those who dnt like rap stick with it it's good really :D)

Anyway I'll jst start it, and just to say I love the turbulence of the music, beat and tempo, if you wanna really gt the feel of the fic at least listen to the first 20 seconds of the song (well all of it if you hear the way he raps it you know what I mean….)

Anyway off subject here we go.

(PS he isn't a well known rapper and had to write the lyrics by ear so any mistakes are mine :/) (Lyrics in italics)

(X)

Lord I miss you, Lord I miss you

Now your gone yeah now your gone.

Oh I miss you yeah oh I miss you oh

Now your gone yeah now your gone.

Max placed the phone in the cradle his mouth dry, head spinning. He found himself looking around his vacant apartment. The silence was deafening so he turned the radio on. A new song was just starting, he felt the pulsing beat, the ringing bells like the rapid beat of his heart. The lyrics were meant for him, he knew. The quick beat moved through his body and he began to pace.

I should have been there told ya that I loved ya,

Held a little tighter when I kissed and when I hugged ya.

I should have called ya, told ya that I missed ya

Tears on my face coz I'm looking at ya pictures.

Max covered his face as he continued his frantic pace, Rosie's name pulsed in time with the music. For a second it felt like she was here with him and he spun searching for her, scanning each tiny space within the room. He found it empty and his heart began to beat faster. There were so many things he should have done when he had the chance. Tender kisses, tight hugs. Most of all he should have called her telling her all the things he held within his heart, his pride had stopped him. His gaze was drawn to the pictures of her that adorned his walls. He walked to one and touched her face. This was a poor imitation, Rosie in person was breath taking…..he pushed himself away from the wall and began to pace again, faster and more urgently then before.

Yeah I'm with ya but only in this mindset

Since you've been gone you ain't never left my mind yet

And I'm upset, not because of you

I wish all I remembered was the good I never do

He hadn't seen her in over a year, since he'd moved into an apartment of his own. This place lacked her touch, her sparkle. It didn't have the presence, HER presence the essence of was missing from his surroundings….but she still existed in his mind and there she would remain. In his mind she still loved him and always would. The things he didn't do just kept running in his mind and he thought he was going crazy. He clutched his head and his stride became shorted and more jerky as he became more and more agitated. He couldn't blame her for leaving, she'd had a right to go. He hadn't did enough, he'd grown complacent. Rosie wanted more and when he didn't give her it she'd left and accused him of not trying - the truth hurt! What killed him the most was he had caused her to leave by not showing her all the love she deserved. By ignoring her feelings, ignoring the passion that he fell in love with he had allowed the flame that had one burned bright and intensely between then to just flicker and die.

I guess when you lose something that's when you appreciate it

If you were here then I'd show you my appreciation.

But your not so Imma have to learn to cope with it

Got a box of memories but I'm scared to open it.

He felt his chest grown tight. He should have tried to keep the flame burning. He should have done anything to keep her with him. The old saying you have no idea what you have til it's gone rang so true and clear to him. He'd had this beautiful enchanting gorgeous woman and now what did he have? An empty apartment, he drank cheap booze alone, the cold his companion, memories his best friend….those and the box of things she'd sent him. It was in his room under his bed. He was scared to open it, scared of the contents, he just didn't want to be enveloped by the memories such things might evoke.

I see you smilin' but only when I'm dreaming

I know your gone forever but somehow I don't believe it

Somebody wake me up, my eyes closing

I'm hoping someday you'll be there when they open but…..

Although she wasn't here in a physical sense there as one place he'd never lose her, his dreams. In his dreams she was as bright and real as she had ever been. So when the light went off and he lay in the darkness she arrived, ethereal and radiant. As he slipped deeper under the spell she wove within his dream she'd encompass him. She'd smile and laugh with him like she always had in the past and the words they spat would just disappear. The only problem was his dreams were so real, so vivid he's wake, roll over and expect to see her beautiful face….he would find his bed cold and empty and his heart would shatter once again. At those times he wished he never slept, that he'd remain awake forever. But night would fall and the lure of seeing her again was too strong. He'd succumb to the promise of the dream, and the smiles and the love they had once shared…..and now….. His heart was pumping harder, blood rushing around his body, his feet eating up the space in his living room as he charged from side to side aimlessly. His pacing was frantic, his heartbeat frenetic, he was losing his mind!

I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to you so soon

Now your gone now your gone

I never thought I'd have to say goodbye but now I do

And I miss you oh I miss you.

He felt restlessness deep inside, all the things he'd done, hadn't shown rushing through him. He decided now was as good as any to remind himself of his wife, remind himself of how he failed. He went to his cold room and collected the box she had sent. Her neat script stating his name made him think of the little notes they used to leave each other way back in the beginning. She wrote the sender as Rosie Trevanion….Trevanion. She wasn't Trevanion, they were married. She was his wife. Gifthold! She was Rosie Gifthold! He tossed the box on the sofa and continued his pacing. His mind now racing faster than before.

Yeah I wish you could hear me, I know that you don't.

I wish you would call me, I know that you won't.

Why I got gotta cry sick of dwelling on the negative

Lose what you love it'll take you where you never been

The songs about heartbreak weren't even close to describing how it really felt to lose the one you love. How do you express something like that? The loss, the intense feelings just festered and grew each day. All he had left were the questions. WHY? Why hadn't he treated her better when he had the chance. Why hadn't he showered her with love and affection like he had in the beginning. Why had they let themselves grow old and stagnant. Their relationship had always been full of life and vitality. It had been exciting! They had never been bored. Why had they let themselves fall into a rut? That was all he had now, questions he could never answer alone. He never thought they'd end up like this. Depression descended upon it and he welcomed it, covered himself in it like a shroud, a single tear fell.

Yo the pressure now I fall from it

Have I cried? Oh yeah I've done it

If I could, I'd change and I'd go back

Problem is if we could yeah we'd all do that

He thought he'd cried all the tears he had over his failed marriage, yet he felt more building throughout the phone call. If he could go back he'd change everything! He and Rosie would still be together and he's still give her the earth if she asked for it. If he could just go back then everything would be ok….everything!

I can see you laughing in my memory

Sad part is that's the only thing I'll ever see

Used to wear a tough face and play pretend

Now the fact is I'm never gonna see you again

He couldn't help but remember things about her. Small things like the way she used to wiggle her bum as she brushed her teeth, or wrinkle her nose if she put on too much aftershave. Then there were the big things too. Like how they'd messed on when they moved into their new house and decorated it. As they had painted they had woven dreams together, spoke about the children they'd one day have together. Laughed about growing old. She had tutted when he mentioned about her losing her teeth, she retorted that he'd lose his hair. This had descended into a play fight with the paint, and a shared shower later. He bit his lip and closed his eyes as he remembered how she told him that the only way to break in a new bed was to jump on it, she'd convinced him at last and as he'd been in mid air she'd hit him in the face with a pillow. She had neglected to mention that pillow fights accompanied the jumping. Again more messing on, again more love. All this fun lived only in his memory now, there were so many more memories they had planned to make, they began to crumble as he distanced himself from her. The face he'd wore as his marriage fell apart haunted him. He'd put up a front as the tough guy who didn't care that all they had was trickling away. Inside was a different matter, he was terrified and had no idea how to show her. Now she had left, there was only him left with no chance of reconciliation with her, his breathing quickened and grief filled him.

See my life just doesn't seem right without ya

I can feel the tears coming when I think about ya

Matter of fact I think I feel some now

I'm sick of holding em, back that's why I'm letting them out.

Life now wasn't worth the price he'd had to pay. Everything was black, he went through the motions each day trying to recapture the life he'd had before Rosie, now he knew there was no life before Rosie, it was existence and now without her he returned to existing. He had once been part of a duo and now he was singular. He hated it, he missed his wife and he wasn't scared to say it anymore. The phone call he'd received that was….tears fell and he couldn't hold them back. He fell to his knees and began to cry uncontrollably.

I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to you so soon

Now your gone now your gone

I never thought I'd have to say goodbye but now I do

And I miss you oh I miss you.

Through the tears he tore open the box Rosie had sent him. As he opened the box a breath of her perfume overwhelmed him and he inhaled it deeply. The fruity scent was so totally Rosie, he closed his eyes remembering her spraying it before leaving for University. He exhaled shakily and looked inside the box, it was a mismatch of stuff, a couple of his old t-shirts. CD's. his deodorant and aftershave. Small bits and pieces he had left at Leopards Den. Letters they had shared at the beginning of their relationship, little love notes, she had kept them all no matter how minor they may have seemed. He finally picked up an old ornate mirror he had gave her one valentines day. As she'd left she'd screamed that she was taking it and he had told her in a fit of rage that he wanted it back. It was only to hurt her, he knew how much she loved it. She'd sent it back! He stared at his reflection, didn't recognise the haunted man before him….

I look in the mirror I can see you in my face

I couldn't care less now about your mistakes.

Not coz they don't bother me, not coz they don't bruise me

I just kinda feel like you ain't ever knew me

As he stared at himself in the mirror Rosie appeared before him, she looked at him in the glass smiling. He wanted to look away before grief crushed his heart but he couldn't. she was a part of him, had been from the start, her laughing brown eyes and quick smile would forever remain in this mirror and any other he looked in because she was part of him, without her he wasn't whole. Everything she had said to him in the past didn't matter anymore because he knew that it was ALL his fault. He had hid from her. At the end she hadn't seen his true self. The tough exterior he had erected had forced her away.

I'm all mixed up lost in the emotion

Loved you so much too bad I never showed it

Yeah but on the upside theres one thing

You put a smile in my face most times I think.

His emotions were helter skelter at the moment, hearing from Rosie's family had threw him. They knew as he did that he hadn't shown how much she meant to him when she'd been here and now not even his thoughts offered him solace. He was forced to live with everything he'd done….

If you were here today I would put my arms around you

And tell you I love you, I tell you I love you

I would put your hand in mine and tell you everything's ok

oh I miss you oh I miss you yeah

He placed his head in his hands still kneeling on the floor, her box sat in front of him. The music was slowly becoming quieter in his head, everything was being blanked out as grief washed over him. If she was here he'd prove to her how much he loved her. He would hold her, tell her he loved her and never let her go. Time hadn't weakened the intensity of his feelings. Everything would be ok if she was here. He looked in the mirror once again. Rosie's face becoming less clear and defined, it shimmered in front of his eyes.

"Don't leave me." he whispered to her face, not recognising his haggard voice.

His breath shuddered as her face disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared, just as quickly as Rosie had been stolen from all of them. A bomb in Jo'burg airport had been the cause of her leaving. It was his fault too, she had been going home. Told her father and Alice that this was something she needed to do. She missed the laughter, she missed the tears, she missed her husband was returning to him. She had been heading for him and now she was forever gone and he would be destined to miss her always.

A/N ok people sorry I know all you rax fans are hating me right now - not my intention really. I jst got the feeling from the rax fics that Rosie and max will always be there for the other just to go back to when they admit they still love the other and I had the idea (based on the line I guess when you lose something that's when you appreciate it) that what if Rosie or max suddenly wasn't there any more? How would the other feel or react and this fic is what happened. I was going to do this Rosie POV bt most of the fics seem to be Rosie POV so I did Max instead. I tried to keep a theme of life and death running through subtly and although you probs guessed she was dead from the beginning I was trying to keep you guessing, FAIL lol

Anyway even though I was evil I still hoped you liked it and the song is really good! If you want me to I'll send you a link jst drop me a line x