Bonds That Break
Summary: Sam considers what happened after events in Heaven when he's forced to face that even the strongest bonds can break with one simple loss between the brothers. Angsty!Sam / Angst/tired!Dean /This is set at the end of DSOTM after one of the most heart breaking scenes ever.
Tags: This is tagged to 05x16:Dark Side of the Moon
Spoilers: Only if you haven't seen Season 5 or DSOTM yet.
Warnings: None really except for some minor language.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Supernatural. I merely write for the enjoyment.
SPN SPN SPN
"It finally happened. The one thing that I really never thought would finally happened and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it.
"Dean and I've been through Hell, literally in his case, ever since the night I was six months old, but I grew up knowing that no matter what I could always count on my big brother…just like I thought he knew he could count on me. Now…now I don't know what to think or what he'll do.
"Growing up like we did, never knowing when or if Dad would come back from a hunt or if a school or CPS official would get too smart, it was natural that we depended on one another. Well, I depended on Dean. My big brother has always pretty much depended on himself from what was really too young or so Pastor Jim used to say when he and Dad didn't know I was listening.
"I grew up idolizing my brother. Dean was nearly everything I wanted to be when I was small and then as I grew older I tried more and more to distance myself from what he was becoming because I didn't want to hunt but that never meant I stopped looking up to him.
"The Christmas he was twelve I gave him the little gold amulet I'd gotten from Bobby. It was originally meant for Dad but after he didn't come home and I learned the truth that everyone had been keeping from me I gave it to Dean because he was the one who was at least trying to make everything normal for me. That little gold amulet…is or was what really bonded us. I felt it really made us close because he liked it and swore he'd never take it off. He didn't…except for three times.
"The first…Dean didn't take it off. I did. I took it off my brother the day I buried him after his deal came due and he went to Hell for four months. I was already a wreck after seeing my brother tore to shreds in front of me and being unable to stop it but it take that off him was nearly as hard. I wore it for the four months that he was gone and I still can see the relief in his eyes the night I gave it back to him. I felt better too because Dean wearing that amulet felt right. It was back where it belonged and it made me feel like things would be good again. So what did I know?
"The second time Dean took it off was when Castiel asked…more like demanded it, from him so he could find God. Dean didn't want to give it up but Castiel can be persuasive when he wants to be and I still can feel the pain that I felt when I saw my brother lay it in Cas's hand with orders not to lose it. Maybe I should've seen what happened next because it was after giving up the amulet that things really started going bad between us and that finally led to the last time my brother held the amulet.
"I won't say that Dean and I have been perfect brothers over the years because while I've idolized him and loved him (though he will never let me say that) we've also fought a hell of a lot. He grew up listening to Dad's every word, he grew up excepting what Dad wanted from us and I…didn't, so that caused a lot of issues but he always had my back. No matter what, I knew he would have because the bond we had as brothers was stronger than the fights. Even when I left for college he did what he could for me.
"He traded his soul and life for me, he went to Hell and I know he said before that night came due that he didn't regret it…that he didn't blame me…I wonder now if he does because it was after he came that the strains in that bond began to show.
"Oh, I know I screwed up those four months and I know Dean lost a lot of faith and trust in me when he came back and learned about Ruby, that I'd been using those powers and…about the demon blood. We've been strained to breaking more than once but even after all that, all the crap with the Angels, the demons, that damn Siren…we were strained but I could trust that the bond we shared as brothers would still hold. That my big brother would still be there for me.
"I believed it, made myself believe it…until twelve hours ago when it all came crashing down with a thud that barely made an audible sound but was like a bomb going off in my ears because I watched that bond fall from Dean's hand into the motel trashcan and knew that everything I was holding onto, everything that I had ever believed in could very well be gone.
"Ever since I let Lucifer loose, Dean and I've been on edge with each other. We tried working apart but that didn't work well…at least it didn't for me. I still feel the heart wrenching terror I felt when my brother told me that we were better off apart and I will never tell him what happened in between that time and when he called me next. Not that I think he'd care now.
"I was still struggling over the last time locked in the Panic Room after that damn encounter with Famine brought back the urge for the demon blood. So much in my head, so much that I know wasn't real when all I really wanted was my brother but I guess I know why he stayed away. I let myself fall into that so I was on my own to get over it and I was surprised that he was outside the door when I finally came to. Maybe it was still my head being mixed up from that and the whole dead coming back to life, including Bobby's wife, that I missed it. I missed it until it was too late.
"We'd been back on the road at some motel when two hunters jumped us. I knew eventually it would get out to the hunting community what I was, what I did but I'd prayed that it would never hurt Dean. I was wrong because it did…literally when Roy and Walt shot us both and sent us to…Heaven I suppose or what Castiel said was supposed to be our versions of Heaven.
"I didn't see Dean's first image. His second was of when he was young…with Mom. I never begrudged his time or his love for Mom because he'd had her for four years where I was only six months old when she died but it wasn't until a little while ago that I understood what had happened. Dean saw my 'Heaven' and if he'd given me a chance a explain I could've told him that those weren't the images I would've chosen if I'd been picking 'em.
"Zachariah picked those images to hurt us. He made Dean think that my most important memories didn't include him because he knew that would hurt my brother the most since all of Dean's life he's given up stuff for me. Seeing the Thanksgiving I spent at someone else's house or when I ran away to Flagstaff…those were memories sure but not the most vital ones I had. Not the ones that I would've shared.
"Those always included Dean because my brother was everything. The biggest memory I would've shared was the Fourth of July that we burned a field with that box of fireworks…or when he taught me to drive or when he chose to hang out with me on his twenty-first birthday rather than go out. Those are what I would've showed him but I knew…I knew that goddamn Angel needed to force one more wedge between us and…it worked.
"When we got…back after Joshua gave us that final message I felt the change. Ignoring that we'd learned that we'd both been dead before but made to forget it was one thing. It was harder to see the desolation, the loss of hope building in Dean considering I knew what was riding him.
"Dean's greatest strength, other than our bond as brothers, has always been his belief in me, in us, in that strength that united us. Ever since he got back from Hell, every little doubt about me that the Angels put in his head, everything he still hid from me about Hell, the hurt and pain he feels about the changes in me…the guilt has tore him to pieces and I can see how very close to that edge he'd getting and it scares me. Then it finally happened. The day came that the bond between us was finally stretched so thin that it broke.
"Castiel, angry that God had pretty much said to leave him alone, gave Dean back the amulet. I watched my brother, waiting for him to put it back on and I think I knew when I saw his eyes as he looked at it that he'd given up.
"After everything in our lives, after everything he'd always done for me, after believing in me for so long, believing in us as brothers…he'd given up…on it and me. I watched that amulet fall into the trashcan and the thud was so loud in my ears that I could only stare at it even as Dean was walking away.
"I suppose a piece of me is still surprised that he didn't leave me at the motel but I was still staring into the trashcan at that amulet, at that tiny little thing that had always meant so much to him, when he came back to tell me to get a move on it.
"He's not saying much which tells me he's hurt and pissed at the same time so I keep my mouth shut because in this phase it doesn't take much to set him off and I don't want him to make that next decision. I don't want him to decide to take off on his own again because no matter what he feels I still feel like I always have. Dean's my big brother and no matter what the Angels or demons do, I'll have his back…even if he doesn't trust me to have his.
"We've stopped to get something to eat. I let Dean go inside while I wait in the car. I feel what's in my jacket pocket and just let it run through my fingers. I know every tiny inch of it since I used to do this when he was in Hell too. I couldn't leave it in the trash. I'd given it to Dean because he was my brother, because I knew the amulet was special. He's given up on us, on me, but I haven't so I'll hang onto it and pray with what faith I still have that one day he'd forgive what I've done and let me be his brother again.
"I'll put the amulet away until the day comes when Dean's ready to take it again because no matter if the bond's broke right now I'll go to my grave trying to fix it and regain Dean's trust. I may lose to Lucifer but it won't be until I've fixed this mess with Dean because he'll always be my brother, the guy who raised me, who taught me what I know and who taught me that some bonds are stronger than others and I still believe in him."
Sam Winchester closed the small journal he'd been writing in and stuffed into an inside jacket pocket while giving the other object another squeeze as if drawing strength from it just as the driver's side door opened and the smell of strong coffee and too much grease hit him.
"No salads or anything green but I got the healthiest looking thing in that dive," Dean commented while slamming his door and not missing the way his younger brother winced. "That okay?"
Slipping the object from his jacket into the pocket of his jeans, Sam merely nodded while taking what was held out to him. "Yeah," he murmured, still seeing the amulet dropping and fighting not to show the inner pain. "Bobby call?"
"Yeah, got word of some demons up in Montana so I told him we'd check into it," Dean replied, starting the Impala but paused before putting it in gear to gaze at Sam and read the tension just by the way he was edged up against the passenger door. "Sam…" he began then stopped, deciding that it was a tired argument after all they'd seen there but still a part of him hurt to see his brother so quiet when he knew the cause of it.
"So…we going?" Sam asked after awhile, keeping his eyes on the dashboard rather than glance over; not wanting to see any further look of grim loss in green eyes that he'd grown up watching to gauge his brother's moods.
Hesitating briefly as if in doubt Dean finally nodded, put the Impala in gear to head for Montana in search of the next would-be catastrophe in their lives all the while thinking back to a motel trashcan and what he'd left behind…
Author Note: Probably won't be the last thing I write for this since that last scene in DSOTM bugged me for obvious reasons. I also normally don't do first person POV often cause sometimes it feels strained but Sam felt like chattering. I hope you enjoyed this and…we'll see what Dean really thinks of what he did.