Beyond Birthday and the Strawberry Jam: A mind-scarring ridiculously short crack!fic:

Beyond Birthday was walking through your local Wal-Mart (he knows where you live), searching for awesome weapons, like chainsaws, knives, gun, nunchuks, and other dangerous things when he saw… it.

The jar of strawberry jam. It was so beautiful; BB fell in love at first sight. He had to have that jar of jam. Abandoning his cart of deadly objects, Beyond shoved the jam in his jacket pocket and walked nonchalantly out the store, ignoring the alarms going off at the front entryway and your neighbor being tackled by a police dog.

He walked up to a random car, pulled the driver out of the car, and drove away, humping the jam the entire time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

3 months later,

"Oh, Strawberry Jam, you are so beautiful. And our children are so lovely too!"

A little jar of jam with legs, arms, and a creepy BB stare ran past. "Daddy! Mommy's sick!"

BB looked at the jar and saw mold. "Damn, time to purchase a new wife."

Because when the trophy wife gets old and ugly, it's just easier to get a new one instead of fixing the broken one.