A/N: Okay, so this came to me one night, and I totally didn't mean for it to, but it did. I had so much fun planning it, too, because I like pairings, and it was just fun to see how many people I could pair up. Now, there will be crack pairings in here. I looked at a few and realized just how fucking funny it would be if two people were paired together, so I did it. Hope everyone enjoys and has a good laugh.
NOTICE: Yeah, so this website totally just deleted this story. I am very upset because I LOVE this story. So, it's the same story as "We're Fucking", it just has a different title and slightly different summary because they said it wasn't "G rated". Psh. Suck my dick.
Warning: Yaoi, smut, swearing, probably some OOC, many crack pairings, the like.
Summary: "Oh my god, we're fucking!" There was a very long, silent, and awkward pause. Shit. Did I just say that out loud?
He grunted, and my back arched when his fingers plunged into me again. "That's it, Ichi," he growled, burying his face in my inner thigh. I didn't care. The pleasure was too much, and I reached down, grabbing his hair and pulling his head up with a vicious yank.
I had no doubt my eyes were completely glassed over with pleasure (a little embarrassing, to say the least), but I tried to arrange my face into an angry scowl, letting him know that I meant business.
"Grimm, inside me. Now."
His eyes darkened, and I saw his muscles tense. God, I loved it when he looked at me like that. His fingers were still inside me, and one twitched, causing me to go into a full-body shiver. But I leaned closer to him, loosening my grip on his hair and placing my hands on face.
I brushed my lips again his, gasping when his fingers moved again. "Please, Grimm," I whispered. He was struggling with his control, because I knew he liked to make it last, but I wanted more.
I wanted pleasure so fierce I couldn't think.
Finally, his control snapped, and he took his fingers out, quickly lubing his straining cock. I stared at it, never getting enough. My eyes quickly travelled up, over the glorious muscles adorning his abdomen and chest. I never in my entire life thought I would be gay, but I didn't think it was for anyone other than Grimmjow. I'd think about Renji, or Byakuya, or hell, even some of the other random Soul Society guys I came across, but nothing.
No, it was only Grimmjow.
I blinked when I felt a hand on my chest, pushing me down and further into the mattress. I looked up at him, gulping when I saw that look in his eyes. It was a look so darkened with lust that I knew he wouldn't be sated for a long, long time, and it was also a look that promised pleasure so intense I wouldn't even remember who I was.
With one long, hard thrust, Grimmjow pounded into me, and I screamed as my body twisted underneath him. Oh god, it felt so good, and when he started to move…
Oh, god, I was gone.
My nails dug into his back, no doubt creating red lines all across his skin. My thighs tightened around him, and he growled, thrusting into me with abandon. He angled his hips, shoving into me again and I groaned, body jerking when he hit that smooth patch of muscle that sent stars dancing across my eyes.
"Shit, Grimm!" I yelped, throwing my head back as my balls tightened.
God, I was so close!
Grimmjow leaned over me, breath on my ear, tingles skittering down my spine. "Come for me, Ichigo," he whispered. "Let go."
I couldn't help it. The words shot roaring heat straight to my cock, and I came without being touched. I panted, body still thrumming from my orgasm, and Grimmjow was quick to follow. He groaned a long, lusty "Ichigo" that made my head spin.
But I smiled, combing my fingers through his hair. "I love you," I murmured.
He gave a cocky smirk. "Yeah, I know." But he was still panting, the intensity of his orgasm still present in his eyes. It made me feel satisfied I had that much power over him.
"Ass," I grinned.
"Yeah, yeah," he chuckled. After a long pause, however, he sighed, whispering, "Love you, too, Ichi."
We lay there, tangled in each other. The thought wasn't immediately on my mind, but I still wondered. "Did they catch you?"
He snorted. "As if."
I sighed. Winter war was over. Had been for the past five years, but Yamamoto still didn't trusted Grimmjow. He was given quarter since he had saved some Shinigami as well as aided me in the final fight against Aizen. They gave him a nice captain-sized room to live in, but since the end of the war, it was always someone that followed him.
Most of the time they were measly Shinigami, but really, all Grimmjow did was spar with me and go to the brothels. Of course, there were the constant nights where he came to my room.
After the war, I was appointed captain of the fifth squad. Yamamoto figured I would be a good captain to Hinamori, and I was the only one taking the captain exams that Toushiro even remotely trusted. He was extremely protective over Momo, and I could understand, given what Aizen had done to her.
There were plans to get a new vice-captain since she was considering doing more menial work in teaching Academy kidoh. Even still, it was a large responsibility on me to take over the chaotic state of Squad Five.
It was sometime during those five years that I realized I liked Grimmjow. It took me forever to admit it to him let alone myself, but I had been surprised when he simply said, "Good. 'Cause I've been waitin' fer forever to fuck you."
Needless to say, I was very speechless, but I convinced him to take it slow since I was new to this whole thing. We sparred, stayed at each other's rooms and did general things, and it had been nice.
Then it seemed as if the Shinigami following him had gotten more persistent. No doubt it was because of Yamamoto's old age paranoia, but no way was I going to say that to anyone but Grimm. He didn't care about what he said, but he was hardly invited to the meetings, though I was trying to persuade them to let him join the Academy so that maybe he could try out for a captain's place.
Seems the idea was way too ludicrous for the old man.
Nobody minded Grimmjow – especially Squad Eleven. That man loved to fight, and so did that entire squad, so it wasn't unusual to see him going at it with one or five men from the squad. But even Byakuya didn't seem to have an aversion to the former (only in name, mind you) Espada, which lead me to believe that Yamamoto was going crazy.
I had a feeling, though, that they had noticed how many times Grimmjow would leave his house and come to mine. His sonido was too fast for the Shinigami following him to catch, but recently, I noticed someone coming to watch my room as well.
Honestly, old man?
I really wanted to kill him for that, but that idea was just stupid.
A slight shiver ran down my spine, and I noticed Grimmjow's fingers making light, lazy circles across my back. I smiled, snuggling closer, nosing my way up his neck before biting the lobe of his ear.
"Sure you wanna go there, Grimm?" I whispered thickly.
"Dunno, Shinigami, can you take it?" he said teasingly, and I swirled my tongue over his ear, heat shuffling through my tired body.
But it seemed as if my body was ready, because I could already feel the heat coiling in my belly. Grimmjow might be insatiable, but that was fine with me because I had a sex drive I didn't even know I could possess. I always thought that after one round I would be perfectly fine, but after that first round… I would always appreciate Grimmjow more, find little things that turned me on, and before I knew it, we were at it again like rabbits.
Hey, I was happy that Grimmjow wanted it again and again and again…
I was definitely much harder now.
I shoved my hand against his shoulder, making him fall to his back as I straddled his waist, noticing his cock was already half hard. I stroked it gently, leaning down until my breath ghosted his ear. "Dunno, Espada, can you get it up?"
He groaned loudly, grabbing my hair and shoving me down to his mouth. Of course, it wasn't all about the sex, but it was definitely a plus.
His tongue crept into my mouth, slowly, and I whimpered when he moved his hips, rubbing his erection on the seam of my ass. My hands were everywhere – on his chest, down his sides, in his hair. I couldn't get enough of him, ever. And there was no doubt in my mind that I would want him for as long as our souls were alive.
This kiss was slower, driving me crazy, but also reminding me of what Grimmjow so desperately tried to tell me with words, but never seemed to get out. It was only recently that he had even managed to say "I love you," something that had made my chest constrict because I had always wanted to hear those words – especially from him.
But Grimmjow just wasn't gentle. It wasn't in his nature to be soft, or extremely loving. And it was after about a week or so of us having sex that I finally noticed it. At first, the sex had been rough (albeit good). I was afraid I was in too deep, and he was using that to his advantage, but that night had been different. His hands had been shaking as he touched me as if I were the most precious thing in the world to him.
I had growled at him, told him I wasn't made of glass. He just shook his head, eyes tight as he had murmured, "You don't understand." The rest of the night was so slow, simply amazing, and it took Rukia bashing me on the head and stating it bluntly to get me to realize what he had been trying to say.
Out of everyone that could know, Rukia was the only one I trusted. I was so confused that I had needed to go to someone, to ask for help, and she was the first and only person I thought of. And she had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had put my trust in the right person.
Grimmjow's hands slithered up my back, bringing me to the present again, and I moaned. His fingers were tugging in my hair, kneading my ass, and spreading heat so intense that I couldn't take it anymore. I moved my hips, trying to position them over his throbbing cock so he could hurry up and get inside me, but he shook his head, moving his mouth from mine.
"Slow, Ichigo," he murmured huskily. "I'll show you how much I…love you."
Dear Lord he had absolutely no idea what those words did to me.
I shivered. "Grimm," I whined, tugging on his hair, but he remained resolute. Sometimes that man's control was just annoying.
His finger found my entrance, swirling around it, teasing, then coming back to slide slowly across my erection. His touches were soft, gentle, so unlike him, but it just made my chest clench tightly. I knew he loved me. It was in everything he did.
And that was enough.
Could this seriously get any worse?
Grimmjow had left after the second time we made love. It was wonderful and mind-blowing, and all I had wanted to do was fall asleep with his body next to mine, but we figured it would be best if Grimmjow didn't stay the whole night.
A lot of good that did.
Because I was currently in the large meeting room sitting on a chair next to Grimmjow, all eleven captains, thirteen vice-captains, and second through fifth seat officers from each squad staring at us. Yamamoto was currently "yelling" at me in that old, deep voice of his.
And what was it about?
Well, he thought Grimmjow was making plans to do…well, something. It was along the lines of creating an army and taking over Soul Society, and I was seriously fighting the urge to laugh.
Grimmjow? Take over Soul Society?
Yeah, that was the last thing he would ever do.
He hated Shinigami (well, most of them) and the only reason he was here was because he had nowhere else to go, especially when the war ended.
Grimmjow nudged my arm. "What?" I hissed.
Yamamoto exploded again. Oh. He had asked me something. Well, crap.
If I looked around hard enough, almost everyone looked annoyed, like the old man was wasting their time, and I had to agree with them, though it was nice to know that they didn't think Grimmjow would be planning such a coupé.
"Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, you are hereby dubbed a traitor and will therefore be executed due to planning to create an army with Kurosaki-taichou of the fifth division!"
I didn't think I would ever tire of hearing –taichou added to the end of my name. And at twenty-one no less! True, a little out of character for me, but I was technically still alive in the living world, too. Definitely not on caliber with boy genius Toushiro ("It's Hitsugaya-taichou," he would say irritably), but it was still impressive.
Hold on a second.
"What?" I almost shouted. "I'm being accused of creating an army, too?"
"Che, thanks, bastard," Grimmjow scoffed.
I ignored him. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Yes, it does!" Yamamoto insisted. Really, with the way he was shouting, I was surprised he hadn't had a heart attack yet. "Grimmjow Jeagerjaques has been seen leaving his house on many occasions, most being to meet you, Kurosaki-taichou!"
"Do you have to call me by my full name?" Grimmjow said suddenly. Was he whining? "It's not some great thing you have to fix, but can you just narrow it down to my first or given name? Really."
The head captain looked positively livid. Inside, I was laughing at Grimmjow. I seemed to laugh a lot when he did things.
And of course, Yamamoto had to go through another long speech.
"I didn't do anything. We're not planning some massive attack or anything. Why would I want to take over Soul Society?" I argued.
My eyebrows slammed together, and my fists clenched. I hated it when people said the word like that. I didn't mind the word power, but it was the way they said it that made me think they were comparing me to Aizen, and I would not stand for that.
But it was Grimmjow who was growling at Yamamoto. "Don't equate him to that fucking bastard."
My heart leapt. I sent Grimmjow as discreet a smile as I could manage.
"This is all your plan, Jeagerjaques-san," Yamamoto continued. "A battle plan to overtake what you couldn't in Hueco Mundo, and I will not stand for it!"
Instead of getting mad at Yamamoto's accusation, Grimmjow glanced at me and smiled. "So…you wanna know my battle plan, then?" he said, turning to Yamamoto.
Yamamoto slammed his stick on the ground. "Do not be so impertinent, child."
Grimmjow shrugged. "Okay. I'll tell ya."
What? What the fuck is he doing!
Yamamoto just stood still. Grimmjow got to his feet, stretching, that wide grin plastered on his face. Oh no. This could not be good.
"Well, you see, old man," he started, missing Yamamoto's twitch, "my battle plan has many different…acts, if you will. You see, I put my hands on his face. Well, no, cause I like to crush things… Okay, so I can still put my hands on his face, but it's a certain part of his face that I crush. Then, you see, I slide my hands down his neck, and…"
Oh my god. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
He was telling them how he fucked me! This could not be happening!
"…That gives me the perfect opening, see. With my hands here, I can control him, and get a knee to the gut or a knee to something more satisfying…"
Everyone was looking shocked, but also confused. I was getting so tired of this because I was so embarrassed, everyone else had no idea what Grimmjow was talking about, and he wasn't just saying it.
"And my favorite part. You've got to render them blind. Because they can't see anything when you make them so blind they can't see let alone think, and then you can take your sword – it's got to be clean – and you—"
"Oh my god, we're fucking!"
There was a very long, silent, and awkward pause.
Did I just say that out loud?
Apparently, because everyone was staring at me like I had just announced I had eaten a chocolate covered squirrel.
"I-I mean, we've been…He and I…"
"Ah, Ichigo and Grimmjow have entered a relationship, if you will," Rukia suddenly blurted. Thank god for her. "Ichigo didn't want anyone to know yet, and…"
"Ne, congratulations, Kurosaki-san!" Yumichika suddenly blurted. I jumped, looking over at him, but he was just smiling. "I always knew you were gay!"
I spluttered something unintelligible before I finally managed a, "You knew I was gay? Yumi, you're more camper than a Christmas tree with lights and a fucking rainbow!"
He huffed, but flipped his bobbed hair. "Hmph, definitely not a beautiful choice of words, but I suppose it doesn't matter who you're fucking."
"Heyyy," Ikkaku murmured, pointing at Yumichika. "Aren't I the one fucking you?"
"Yes, yes, and you do a marvelous job, Ikkaku-kun," Yumi hummed.
Ohhh, I didn't need to know that.
By now everyone had looks of astonishment on their faces, but it was Kenpachi's roaring laughter that made them look even more shocked. He clapped Ikkaku on the back. The third seat officer smirked.
"Ne, you got anyone, Taichou?"
"You think I'd let you show me up? Nah, I got myself this tight-ass," he rumbled, hooking his thumb over his shoulder and pointing straight at…Byakuya?
Oh dear god. Just picturing it was going to give me nightmares.
The sixth squad captain huffed.
"Ah, come on, bishie, you know you love it when we fuck."
Byakuya scoffed. "We do not…fuck, Kenpachi. We make love."
"You should hear 'im scream when I get 'im goin' though," Kenpachi laughed. Byakuya blushed and looked away.
"N-Nii-sama!" Rukia exclaimed, face pale. I didn't blame her. First she found out that Kenpachi of all people was fucking her brother, and then she heard the Kuchiki Byakuya use a curse word.
I was extremely shocked myself.
"Mah, then I guess it's fine for us to come clean, eh, Nanao-chan?" Shunsui chuckled. Nanao blushed ten shades of red, trying to hide her face. At least I understood them being together.
Yachiru was suddenly laughing. "Ken-chan, you're too funny! Me, too! Hitsugaya-taichou!" she called loudly.
He made a shocked noise, but then shook his head, pointing over his shoulder just like Kenpachi had. "No way. I'm with this crazy woman."
"Hey, try not to sound so disappointed, boy genius." That was Soi Fon. Soi Fon. She was with Hitsugaya?
Oh good lord, I did not need to know any of this!
"Ehh, no one leave me out! Shuuhei-chan and I are together!" Rangiku exclaimed, light blue eyes bright and bosom bouncing. Shuuhei's face was completely red, but I didn't blame him.
"Ah, Kurosaki-taichou…" a soft voice said.
I turned and groaned. "Not you, too, Momo…"
"W-Well, Kira-kun, and I…"
I held up my hand. "I really don't want to know, Momo."
"Don't be so harsh, my number one son!"
No. Just no. Did this day have to get worse?
"Please don't look so troubled, Ichigo-san," a kind voice murmured. It was Unohana, captain of the fourth division. Then, I noticed…
They were fucking holding hands.
"You and Unohana?" I practically shouted at my dad. Oh that was awkward. Just weird, and wrong, and fucking awkward.
"Mah, mah, cheer up, Kurosaki-san!" And in walked Urahara. "We Shinigami need something else to do to whittle away the time! And it just so happens that mine was in the form of a very old friend." Of course, it would be Yoruichi. That wasn't too much of a surprise, but this was still becoming so chaotic.
"Oh, what the hell," came a voice from across the room. I perked up. That was Renji. "Me and Rukia are fucking!" he shouted.
What little chatter there had been completely stopped.
"Er…we…make love, Kuchiki-taichou. Ah, gomenasai…"
Somehow, Grimmjow's chuckle broke through everything, and he looked up Yamamoto. "So, seems like everyone's fucking, Yama-ji. Dunno if I'm the only one that thinks this, but you need to get laid. You're too uptight."
Yamamoto made one of those old guy noises.
Grimmjow continued. "Anything else you wanna say, old man?"
"I want to see proof."
Oh god, the dreaded words.
"Prove that you and Kurosaki-taichou are in a relationship. Then, and only then, will I relinquish the charges. And I warn you, impudent child, I will know if you speak the truth."
I gulped, frantically looking at Grimmjow and taking in his wild eyes. He stalked towards me, looking just as silky and smooth and deadly as a panther, and dear god it turned me on.
Gently, just like he had so many times before, Grimmjow's hands tugged at my face, thumb grazing my cheekbone before sliding over my bottom lip. My breath hitched as heat raced from his hands to my entire body. He angled his chin and leaned down, lips slowly brushing over mine.
My lips parted, sucking in the breath coming out of his mouth, and he kissed me so softly I thought I'd die. My hands gripped the dark fabric of his Shinigami shihukasho, and I pressed against him harder, trying to mold my body closer to his. He groaned, hands falling down to my hips and gripping them with bruising force.
I wanted more. One hand twined in his hair, the other reaching to his back. But before we could get any further, Grimmjow pulled away, and I whined at the loss of contact.
"Open your eyes, Ichi," he breathed, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
I blinked, and barely saw his eyes tighten as he looked at me. I knew that my eyes were probably glazed, but even still, it didn't help my arousal by watching him react to me.
Then, I somehow managed to remember that we were in front of captains, vice-captains, and seated officers of Seireitei. My face burned.
But as I looked around, apparently I wasn't the only one. Rukia and Renji were casting subtle yet heated looks at each other. Hitsugaya had a light dusting of pink tingeing his cheeks, and Soi Fon was biting her lip. Kenpachi was grinning like mad, and Byakuya's neck was red. Rangiku was fanning her face, but her other hand looked dangerously close to…Yeah, that would explain Shuuhei's blush.
Yamamoto cleared his throat. Everyone jumped.
"Grimmjow Jeagerjaques and Kurosaki Ichigo, you are free to go."
A huge sigh of relief escaped from my lungs, but Yamamoto wasn't done yet. "But you others," he said, voice grave. "I am surprised that so many of you would disobey the rules and indulge in inter-squad or other-squad affiliations, especially you, Kuchiki-taichou."
He moved towards the door, and just as he reached it, he turned back just enough so that everyone could catch his profile. "However, since my lieutenant and I are in a relationship as well, it will be excused."
Seriously? The old man could get it up?
My jaw just dropped.
A/N: Wow. I had a lot of fun writing the part where everything went to shit. I mean, I thought it was funny, and I hope you guys do, too. Ahem, did anyone perhaps notice the Anchorman reference in this story? If not, then watch the movie. You'll know it when you hear it.
Well, thanks for reading this crazy idea of mine. Reviews would be much appreciated.
- wolf's paradise