AN: It's an idea and another story.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't claim to own anything. I don't make money off of any of the things I don't own. Also, the title comes from an e.e. cummings poem and I definitely don't own that either.
I don't know what to say about this story. I hope you like it. I don't know how long it will be, I do know i have a plan for a while and then we'll see what happens. Suggestions? Comments? Concerns?
Oh yeah, warning. It's G!P y'all. If you don't like it, that's ok, don't read it. Just thought I'd try it out.
She knows, fundamentally, that everything has changed. It's the first week of classes, her first year of college and Brittany is excited. She's nervous because she wants this to be different than high school. She doesn't want to be made to play some popularity game and "win" she guesses, at the expense of watching other people lose. People who never deserved to feel like losers. But this is a new place, and she doesn't need to bring any of the bad things from home with her.
She had seen a flier for a campus involvement fair on the college green today. She thought she'd go because, well mostly because she didn't have anything else to do. That and her new roommate, whom she still wasn't totally sure about, was in the room doing vocal exercises and Brittany felt weird just sitting there. So she finds herself walking towards the rows of tables and students with cautious optimism. In high school student involvement defined you. Cheerleaders and jocks were on top, Glee club and AV nerds at the bottom, with everyone else just sort of filling in the middle. She thinks she would have liked Glee club, but her sister who was a senior when she was a freshman, strictly forbade it, and forced Brittany onto the cheerleading squad with her. And once you were in, well that was kind of it. What was it that coach always said? Blood in. Blood out.
It's with less than fond memories of the behavior of her fellow cheerleaders in mind that causes apprehension to swell in her chest when she sees a group of girls at a table in cheerleading uniforms. She watches them for a few minutes and notices that two of them are laughing with some guys in the Foreign Language Club, and another one just high fived a very effeminate looking boy at a booth called LGBTA. She's not sure what that stands for, but he is wearing an amazing sweater. He notices her looking at him and beckons her over. "Hello, my name is Kurt! I'm a sophomore and secretary of the LGBTA. What's your name?"
"Hi...um.. Brittany. Nice to meet you. What does L…G…B" She reads the letters of the sign.
"T and A! Oh my god do you get it, T and A. Never mind. Inappropriate. It stands for Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual, Transgender, and Allies. Do you fit anywhere in there?"
Brittany nods. She supposes she's bisexual. Although she feels as though that implies that gender has anything to do with it at all, which she's pretty sure it doesn't. She just likes people. Certain people anyway.
Kurt takes her nod as a sign and continues. "Oh well, wherever you fall, you're welcome to come to our meetings! They're held on Thursdays at 8pm in room 201 in the University Union. Here's a flier. It's a great way to meet new friends… or you know, new significant others." He winks at her. She takes the flier and thanks Kurt. Brittany reckons she might like him and hopes that she sees him again. Although she's not sure if she'll be going to this club. For one her major has a lot of night time rehearsals, and for another he mentioned meeting significant others. And well, that's the opposite of anything she wants right now.
She has a hard time not thinking about her last relationship still. It was really only her first as well. She'd met him freshman year, and he seemed nice enough. He wasn't shy and awkward like a lot of the other boys, he joined the football team right around the same time she joined the Cheerios. He'd flirted with her for a year and a half before, at the insistence of her mother of all people, she finally agreed to go out with him. Brittany and Tommy made perfect sense it seemed. Brittany didn't think so. She kind of had a thing for this girl in her math class, but when she told her sister, her sister told her that her parents wouldn't ever approve, and plus…."doesn't that Tommy boy like you?"
And so it began. She can't remember a time ever feeling happy or enthusiastic about her relationship. Sometimes he was nice to her, and those times weren't to bad as long as she could pretend they were friends. But then he'd do something to mess it up. Her first kiss with him was at a party, he was drunk. She wasn't drinking, the alcohol made her throat burn and she was sure her parents would find out. He forced her to kiss him in front of all of his friends because they'd been making fun of him because they hadn't even kissed yet. She had done it, because he looked so angry when she said she didn't think it was a good idea. And she smiled, and stayed sort of near him the rest of the night. But when she got home she cried. She wasn't totally sure why, she didn't even think it was that big of a deal. It's just that she'd been hearing songs and stories about first kisses her whole life and she was pretty sure it shouldn't make her feel the way that kiss made her feel. Exposed and wrong.
To this day she knows the only reason she stayed with him was because every time she'd start to pull away he'd come to her house and her mom and dad would talk about how amazing he was and how they'd get married. If she brought it up to her mother that she thought maybe she didn't want to be with him, she'd tell her that he was the best she'd ever do, and she'd be stupider than she already was to leave him. That any such ideas should be whole-heartedly dismissed. Brittany felt whole-heartedly dismissed. A few times he drank to much and would get rough with her, slapping her and pushing her. She was pretty sure that wasn't ok, and when she told her mom about that, her mom said he'd grow out of it. That boys will be boys. She thought that he might do it to feel more like a man.
She was broken from her musings because she suddenly realized she was at the door to her dorm room. She went into the building and made her way to her room passively noticing the brightly colored door decorations and billboards advertising clubs and meetings. She was relieved to hear (or not hear) her roommate was done singing. She wondered if she was there at all, until she walked in the room and saw Rachel lying on her bed.
"Hey Brittany how were classes?"
"Ok. Nothing new yet so…boring I guess?" Rachel looked as though she wasn't really listening. Brittany was kind of used to that.
"That's nice. Listen I wanted to let you know that my first in a series of auditions is on Friday, and since I am a freshman, I wasn't able to get a practice room in order to do my vocal exercises so I will need to practice extensively in the room on Thursday night. Is there somewhere else you can go? Do you have any friends?" She spoke to Brittany, the last two sentences, simply as if she wasn't sure she was following along. She wanted to respond back do you have any friends? Because she was pretty sure that there was no way Rachel could. She wasn't very nice, but she was very full of herself. But she didn't. She just mumbled that she'd be out of the room, and went over to her dressers to get some gym clothes and head to the gym.
After working out for a few hours she felt a little better. A little more optimistic. She should be happy, she knows. She's away from her family, high school, Tommy, pretty much everything that had made her feel bad. Even Rachel isn't really that bad to be around. She gets back to the room and Rachel is gone, at the library according to her color coded very detailed schedule she made sure Brittany had a copy of. She went over to her dressers to grab pajamas so she could shower and her eyes fell on a piece of paper. "LGBTA meeting! Every Thursday at 8pm!" Well, she has to be out of the room anyway, maybe she'll go. Nothing needs to come of it, she could just make new friends. That Kurt boy would certainly be there, and he seemed really nice. So she decided that she'd go. Because this is a new opportunity to do things the way she wished she could have always done them.
Thursday rolled around quickly. All of her classes had started to pick up except her dance classes. She wasn't one to brag, and she'd never say it out loud but she had an idea that she might be the most advanced student in her year. It's probably a blessing that her dance classes aren't going to kill her because her other classes might. She was already pretty sure she'd need a tutor for her history class. She decided that she'd go home and change after her 3:00 dance class, and then go to the library to work on homework. Then she'd drop her stuff off in her room and go to the meeting. She was a little bit nervous, not enough to distract her in dance class or anything, but just enough to weigh on her. She got back to the room and showered and got dressed but not to dressed up. She wore tight skinny jeans and wedge sandals with a white flowy top. She pulled her hair back, made sure she had all her homework and left again.
She managed to get most of it done by time she had to leave the library to go drop her stuff off and get to the meeting. When she got back she could hear Rachel (quite loudly) from down the hall. She got to her room and dropped her stuff off giving a Rachel a small wave but doing her best not to disturb the singer. She made her way to where the meeting was playing with her keys in her hand nervously. It wasn't meeting new people that made her nervous, it was that she didn't really know what to expect.
She walked into a room filled with couches, chairs, and a fair amount of people. She found a chair in a corner off to the side that seemed like a good place for her and sat down. A few moments later she spotted Kurt, but wasn't sure he'd remember her so she didn't approach him. But then he saw her and came bounding over. "Brittany I'm so glad you showed up! I didn't think you were going to. Let me know if you need anything!" She smiled and just as quickly he was gone. Feeling comforted by the fact that she at least knew someone, she sat back and people watched while waiting for the meeting to start.
About two minutes before 8pm, a blonde girl with light pink highlights came in dragging another girl. She was shorter than Brittany, with brown hair, brown eyes and tan skin. Brittany thought she must be Latina of some kind but had no idea what. What she did know was that she was stunningly beautiful. She felt herself being momentarily upset by the fact that she seemed to be very close with the blond girl, probably girlfriends. She internally scolded herself because she wasn't here for that. She didn't even want to be in a relationship, maybe never again, how do you trust someone with so much of yourself? But that girl was so so pretty. The girl caught her eye and smiled this sort of crooked smile at her and Brittany couldn't help but look away and blush. But not before smiling back.
Once the meeting started she tried to keep her focus on the four people talking at the front of the room. Occasionally her focus would drift to the brunette and occasionally the brunette would be glancing at her. When this happened her heart would speed up and she could feel herself blushing slightly, much to her own dismay. She really really didn't want anything beyond friendship with anyone. But maybe they could be friends? She did try to pay attention to the meeting though. Most of it was information about what they do as an organization, what kind of events they hold, how they take informal trips to the nearest gay bar for dancing, that kind of thing. Finally they decided they'd do introductions.
"I'll start. I'm Kurt, very gay, very single." Everyone laughed a little bit. "And like I've told most of you, I'm the secretary. Also I'm in the Musical Theater program. Oh! And you don't have to tell us your sexuality or anything like that. Whatever you're comfortable sharing!" Brittany smiled at him. He seemed so nice, and he had wonderful skin she noticed. People started introducing themselves and Brittany was excited to get to the Latina and know her name. Which made her blush a little again. She felt so silly getting excited to know someone's name.
A boy who'd not really spoke to anyone introduced himself "Hi I'm Blaine, I'm gay. I'm also a first year in the Musical Theatre program. And I'm single and trying not to be nervous." People chuckled. She briefly wondered if Blaine and Kurt knew her roommate Rachel.
Next a fabulous looking black girl introduced herself. "I'm Mercedes! Hey everybody! I'm straight. I'm a sophomore Music major And this fine specimen next to me is my man. So back of boys and girls." The Latina high fived her over top of a blonde boys head. So they were friends too. She must not be a freshman.
"I'm Sam, and I'm hers." He nudges Mercedes and Brittany decides they might be the cutest couple ever. "I'm a sophomore in the film program aaaaand always available if anybody needs to talk or anything." Brittany thought that he seemed really genuine. She hoped she could make friends with these people.
"I'm Santana. Music. Sophmore. I know most of you. Single. And oh yeah…lesbian." First thing Brittany noticed was that Santana liked to pretend she didn't want to be here. Next thing she noticed was her excitement over the fact that Santana (which might be the most beautiful name she's ever heard) is a lesbian and single. The final thing she noticed was the way she said lesbian, forcefully, as if trying to prove it, and directly towards another brunette girl who rolled her eyes. Brittany didn't really understand what was going on but she was sure whatever it was had been going on for a while.
"Hi I'm Quinn. Sophomore English major. I don't like labels. And I'm here because I had to drag my roommate in. Something about being "done with all you queens."" And she nudged Santana in the ribs. Brittany decided that she might like this girl too. She didn't like labels either. Only, it was more that she didn't really understand them. Truth be told, she didn't understand a lot.
People kept introducing themselves. There was a mixture of freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors. Although she noticed there was more sophomores and juniors than anything else. When they came upon the girl that had rolled her eyes at Santana, her introduction further solidified that Brittany might not like her.
"I'm Anna. Junior Fashion Design major. Actual lesbian so… you know. No penis. Annnnnd… I'm single. For now." A couple people chuckled. But mostly everyone just kind of looked at the next person waiting for their introduction. Brittany looked at Santana, and by association Quinn. Santana crossed her arms and shook her head back and forth and an angry chuckle fell from her lips. Quinn just glared at this Anna girl. And Brittany was sure now that she wasn't going to like her.
A few more people introduced themselves and Brittany found herself nervous to introduce herself to everyone. Talking in front of lots of people was never a strong suit of hers. It was just one more thing on a list of things that made her pretty nervous, and when she got nervous, she didn't always say the right things. Her turn was up. "H-Hi. I'm Brittany. Um… a freshman. Dancer. (she hears Mercedes say something like Yeah she is girl look at those legs! And blushes) I am…bisexual? I guess. I don't like labels. I just like people. And ducks." And that's when she cut herself off because now is when she starts with the anxiety driven lack of control of what comes out of her mouth. People laugh and then they move on with their introductions. She chances a look at Santana who is looking at her and smiling. Such a pretty smile. Brittany smiles back and then refocuses herself on the rest of the introductions because she's pretty sure she's coming back and would like to remember some names that aren't just Santana. After the introductions were over, Kurt announced that a bunch of them were probably going to meet up at a late night coffee shop after the meeting if anyone was interested. Brittany wondered if Rachel was still singing in their room. She really only had until eleven when quiet hours kicked in so maybe Brittany would go. She wondered who else might be going.
She stands up and brushers her shirt down and looks down to see where she'd put her bag and when she looks back up, much to her surprise, Santana is standing right in front of her. "Hey, you're new. Obviously. You said you were a freshman. Duh. So are you uh… going to the coffee shop? I'm Santana by the way in case you forgot… or whatever. Yeah." Santana awkwardly sticks out her hand like she just wasn't sure where else to take that introduction. But Brittany takes it gladly. Santana's hands are warm, and soft and she imagines that it might be wonderful to hold them. If she wanted that. Which she definitely does not. At least… yeah no. She really doesn't want to want that.
"Yeah, I think so. My roommate kind of kicked me out of the room so I don't really have anywhere else to go. Except the library I guess but I don't really want to go back there."
"You're roommate kicked you out? That's a bitch move."
"It's ok. She needs to sing for an audition tomorrow so it's fine. I don't mind. I don't think I would have come here if she hadn't kicked me out."
"Then I'm glad she kicked you out too." Santana smiled at her. And then made a face when she realized how lame that probably sounded so she tried to amend it. "Caus you know, we need more members. And…support." Brittany just smiled. And even despite her obvious hang ups, she kind of liked that Santana was flirting. Or at least she hoped she was flirting.
"Mhmm." Brittany sucked her bottom lip into her mouth.
"So you're roommate is a music major? I wonder if I've seen her." Brittany shakes her head.
"No not exactly. She's musical theater. She's apparently destined for Broadway. She does have a good voice she's just kind of annoying." Santana laughed.
"Yeah I know most of those kids too. I've done some rehearsal piano work for them. They're less stuck up than the people in the music school. So you dance? What kind?"
"Any. All of them. I love everything. Hip Hop might be my favorite, followed really closely by modern and jazz. I also love swing dancing but mostly just for fun. Ballet is awesome too. Everything." Brittany knows she can ramble when she talks about dance. It's just that she's never loved anything like she loves dance. As soon as she starts talking about it she notices that peoples eyes glaze over. The I'm listening but not listening look. She's used to it. But Santana doesn't do that. She looks at Brittany enthusiastically, almost encouraging her to keep talking but Brittany doesn't. It's a slippery slope.
"I've always wanted to swing dance actually! That's amazing. Dancing is amazing. Dancing and music together, the most amazing." Brittany is glad Santana thinks that, because she thinks so too. The rest of the group starts walking out to go towards the coffee shop and Brittany notices that Mercedes is walking towards them but Sam distracts her, and throws Brittany a little wave.
"What do you do in the music department?" Brittany asks because she's interested. She wouldn't ask if she wasn't. She's not very big on small talk and she thinks that maybe people think she's weird for it. Pointless social graces have never been something she's good at, much to the dismay of her mother.
"I play piano and sing. Mostly piano though. I've been playing my whole life. Like…since I was three. And these clowns here don't have much to teach me. Which is fine. It means I can get out of here easy and in their good graces. They don't exactly love my singing so I probably couldn't get out of here with a degree in that although it is my minor. I just, I really love to sing. Like really really love it." Santana once again seemed to feel like she'd said to much and cut herself off. Brittany wished she wouldn't. She can only imagine how beautiful her singing voice must be if her talking voice is this mesmerizing.
They got to the coffee shop and both put in their orders, still making idle small chat about the group, and the town. After they'd got their orders Santana asked her if she'd take hers to the table with her she needed to run to the bathroom. She took Santana's drink (black coffee) and was looking around for a table when Mercedes waved her over to a table with Quinn and Sam. She smiled and headed that direction, looking towards were Santana was heading. She watched that Anna girl walk out of the bathroom just as Santana was about to walk in, Anna must have said something to her because Santana looked kind of angry and Anna looked kind of bitchy. She idly wondered what was going on with that situation.
Brittany sat down cautiously at the table. She forgot how hard meeting new people was. But thankfully this particular group of people seemed determined to make it easy on her. "Hey Brittany. Where did Santana go?" Quinn asked her smiling gently. It made her oddly happy inside that someone was asking her something about Santana, although she couldn't quite figure out why.
"She went to the bathroom. Thanks for letting me sit with you guys." Mercedes beamed at her, and looked a little like she wanted to say something but didn't know if she should. Brittany knew that feeling.
"So…how's your first couple of days going? Making friends? Like you and Santana seem to be talking a lot…" Mercedes started.
"Mercedes mind your business." Quinn interrupted her. And smiled and Brittany.
"It's just that Santana doesn't talk to people so easily, at least not nicely. But she straight up gravitated to blondie here and I was just curious." Well now so was Brittany.
"Yeah well you better shut your mouth lest she 'go all Lima Heights' on you." Quinn responded.
"Did you seriously just say 'lest she go all Lime Heights'?" Mercedes started cracking up. Brittany started laughing as well. "Girl get your head out of those damn books for a minute please." Quinn shook her head but laughed non the less. Brittany looked up and Santana walked over, ignoring the seat next to Quinn and immediately sat next to Brittany. Brittany smiled. So did Quinn.
For the rest of the time they discussed small things. They all gave Brittany unsolicited (but still appreciated) advice about the town, and the dorms. She found out that they all live in an apartment complex right off of campus. Mercedes lives with Kurt and Santana lives with Quinn. "Why don't you guys live in the dorms?"
They all got a little bit quiet just long enough for Brittany to pick up that there was something more to that question than they wanted to talk about. She wasn't particularly bright, but she was pretty intuitive. "Girl would you live there longer than you have to?" Mercedes covered, but Brittany could still feel the tension. After the coffee was done and both Quinn and Mercedes had decided they needed to get going so they could finish homework, they all got up to leave.
"Which dorm do you live in? Do you want us to walk you back?" Brittany told them that she lived in Webster and that she'd be ok to walk by herself. "No it's ok that's pretty much on the way we can just walk with you so you know… no one kidnaps you or whatever." Quinn rolls her eyes but they all agree. As they're walking back they are discussing a party that's going on in one of the members houses next Friday and Santana insists Brittany has to come. She's not sure how she feels about that. She remembers parties Tommy forced her to go to in high school. She's about to tell them she's not sure if she wants to do that but she looks at Santana, who looks hopeful so she tells them she'll think about it.
"It depends on how much homework I have and how hard classes are getting by then. But maybe." Santana smiles at her. And soon they're at her dorm.
"Maybe I could give you my phone number in case you need anything or you get lost or like want to go to the party or have coffee or just whatever." Brittany gets her phone out and smiles at Santana who promptly gives her her number. Brittany gets her keys out and thanks them for walking her home and goes into the building. She thinks it's a good sign that nobody is talking about the crazy girl who won't stop singing in one of the rooms. She doesn't, however, notice that just outside Santana is getting mercilessly teased for her epically unsuave behavior. She probably would have smiled though. She gets up to her dorm room and thinks that even though she probably shouldn't reciprocate Santana's flirting because she's still trying really hard to not want that, she thinks texting Santana so she has her number too can't hurt.
To Santana: It's Brittany. Here's my number in case you need anything or want coffee or whatever. ;)
She gets to her room and notes that it's silent. Trying hard not to wake Rachel because she's already gotten that lecture on routine and regiment and good nights rests and she doesn't want it again, she enters the room quietly. She throws her phone on her bed and changes into pajamas. She thinks maybe she should do more homework but she's kind of tired and doesn't have a class super early so she can do it then. She notices her phone light up just as she gets into bed.
From Santana: thanks britt. Maybe we could hang out this weekend. I could show you some stuff we told you about today at the coffee shop.
Brittany smiles and tries to contain her excitement but at night, in the dark, she's having a hard time caring.
To Santana: I think that would be awesome. I'll let you know after class tomorrow ok?
From Santana: Ok. I'm glad you came to the meeting. Goodnight.
Brittany is glad she doesn't claim it's for support reasons this time. And is also glad she came to the meeting.
To Santana: Me too. See you soon? Goodnight.
She plugs her phone into her charger and sets her alarm although she's pretty certain, as similar to the rest of the days this week, Rachel will wake her earlier than she intended on waking. And she curls up in her blankets thinking about the day, and dance, and really mostly Santana.