A/N: Uh, yeah. So if you looked past the awful summary, and are here then thank you! This is my first story so I hope you enjoy and review! This will be multi-chapter. Not canon, obviously.
"What do you think about this?" Kurt asked, holding up a sweater for Blaine to examine. They had been shopping for a while now, trying to find some clothes for Kurt to wear to meet Carol's family next weekend.
"Umm…it's, uh…maybe, too, uh…girly?" Blaine commented, stumbling through his words. Kurt's face fell; he had really thought that he had finally found something that he liked. "No! Um, I mean…" Blaine said, trying to find the right words to make Kurt happy again. He really hated how hurt Kurt had looked for a minute.
But Kurt regained his composure and put on a comforting smile, trying to reassure Blaine, while trying to figure out why Blaine had used the word 'girly'. Was he not manly enough for Blaine; was he too 'girly?' But all he said was, "It's OK. It's just a shirt Blaine, no biggie."
Did Kurt just say 'No biggie?'Oh my god, I just royally fucked up. 'Girly?' Could I really not have found a better word? Blaine thought.
"Blllaaaaiiiiinnnneeee!" Kurt screamed from across the McKinley parking lot, before bounding across the distance toward Blaine.
"Hi Kurt?" Blaine greeted his boyfriend, slightly confused because this was not how Kurt usually greeted him at school. Or ever actually…
"Guess what!" Kurt commanded.
"Umm, I don't know? What?"
"I just found the most perfect song for us to sing." He pulled out the music, showing it to Blaine. Blaine, who Kurt's excitement had been rubbing off on, tried to keep a believable smile on his face, but came nowhere close to fooling his boyfriend. "What's a matter?"
"Oh, um, well…this song is kind of, uh, gay. Don't cha think?" Kurt laughed. He laughed so hard tears threatened to spill out of his eyes. Blaine was trying to let his boyfriend down easy, trying to make it so he didn't hurt Kurt so much this time. But Kurt had just laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed. "What's so funny?" Blaine asked innocently, slightly hurt.
When Kurt saw Blaine's face he regained his composure and stated, "It's not like we're gay or anything!" Kurt exclaimed, barely able to keep it together.
Blaine suddenly saw what Kurt was laughing about. It was like telling Finn that his shirt was too boy, just a part of who he was. But Blaine decided that this was a good opportunity to explain what he meant by that. "I meant, like…too gay."
Kurt stopped laughing. He stopped so fast, Blaine thought that there must have been a car crash behind him or something. "Oh," Kurt said, clenching his jaw tight to keep himself from crying. "I understand."
He grabbed the music from Blaine and shoved it in his bag so fast that Blaine was left standing there with his hands limp at the same height that the music was at a second ago. Before Blaine could say anything else, Kurt had spun on his heel and had started to walk away. "Kurt, wait up! I, just. I'm sorry." Blaine screamed, almost as a last attempt, at Kurt's retreating back.
Kurt would not let Blaine see him cry over this. He repeated it so many times; it became a kind of mantra in his head as he walked away. He will not see me cry. Not over something as stupid as this, no. Blaine will not see me cry. He will not see me break over something as simple as a word. No, he will not see me cry. He will not see me cry. He will not see my cry… But, even as he repeated those words in his head, a small voice in the back of Kurt's mind told him that Blaine would understand why he was so sensitive to that word, among others, if Kurt would only talk to him.
God dammit! Good god, shit, fuck! CRAP! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! Idiot, you knew that saying that would hurt him! You knew, and you still did it! You fuck-up! Shit! Kurt, I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry! Crap! Blaine's inner monologue alternated between curses as he replayed his words over again in his mind degrading himself for saying them, and apologizing to Kurt. But no other words came out of his mouth, even as he broke his toe kicking his car tire.
Later that day, before last period, Kurt and Blaine were walking down the hallway, not touching, talking about nothing. This is what they did every day, before Blaine dropped Kurt off at French and nearly sprinted down the hall towards Calculus to avoid being late. Except that today there was something off. They still hadn't talked about what had happened in the parking lot. And that was who they were. They couldn't be kurtandblaine without talking about everything. Part of the need to talk was that there was no way that their relationship could have survived this long without them talking about everything, with all that happened in their past, talking about things gave them someone to trust with everything. But that was also why it hurt so badly when they fought. By knowing everything not to say to each other, they knew everything to say if they wanted to hurt the other. The other part was also connected to their pasts. Thoughts are dangerous things. When left alone, and with feelings not being talked about, they can multiply and they can get ugly. When people tell you constantly that you are nothing, you can start to believe it. So when someone you love tells you something like, 'the song you picked is too gay' it can quickly morph into 'you're too gay' and things only go downhill from there. Both of them knew that their thoughts, especially Kurt's, get ugly, fast, without being talked out. And Kurt's thoughts had had all day to stew.
So it shouldn't have been a surprise that Kurt wanted to talk, Blaine just thought that he would have waited until after school to do it.
But he didn't. He wanted to talk to Blaine as soon as possible, and they had glee rehearsal after school, and Kurt wanted to prevent that train wreck before it happened.
As they were walking down the hallway, Kurt spotted an empty classroom to his right, and reached for Blaine's hand to pull him into it. As soon as their fingertips touched, Blaine flinched and pulled away. He had flinched and pulled away. Blaine had flinched and pulled away from Kurt. They both stopped walking and slowly turned to look at each other. What Blaine saw broke his heart. Kurt's eyes were swimming with pain and hurt, anyone could see that. But Blaine saw something that he doubted many people would have seen, looking into those eyes. The eyes he loved so much, so much it hurt sometimes. He saw that beneath all the hurt on the surface, he saw how pissed off Kurt was.
Kurt turned away swiftly, breaking their eye contact, and ducked into the empty classroom. "Kurt," Blaine said, scrambling after the boy he loved more than life itself. As soon as they were both in the room, Blaine closed the door quietly behind him. "Kurt I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just…you surprised me. I mean, we don't hold hands in school and-" He was cut off by Kurt's quiet words.
"You're ashamed." It wasn't a question.
"What? NO! I mean-"
"You are ashamed of me. You are ashamed of you, and you are ashamed of us." Blaine didn't respond. He was shocked, stunned. Kurt's words stung, but he knew that with every millisecond passing, they were becoming truer and truer in Kurt's mind. "That's what I thought," Kurt said blatantly at Blaine's open mouth and lack of response. He turned on his heel for the second time that day and started to walk out of the classroom. But before he could turn the door handle, Blaine called out to him.
"Kurt, wait!" Blaine pleaded, sounding desperate.
Now, everyone who knows Kurt knows that his voice gets high when he's upset or excited. Basically whenever he gets worked up, good or bad, his voice gets high; really high. Like, too high for a boy high. So when he spoke, without turning around to face Blaine, his voice came out piercing, "Why?"
Then Blaine did just about the worst thing he could have done. Maybe he wouldn't have if he could have seen Kurt's face, but he did. He mocked Kurt's voice, imitating the high pitch that Kurt's voice had reached in the last syllable he had uttered. "Why not?"
What happened next happened so fast, it was almost superhuman. All the hurt and pain and tears had disappeared from Kurt's face. All that could be seen now was pure rage. He was furious. Kurt had turned to face Blaine and was towering over quickly. "Really Blaine? You?" There was no love or compassion in the words, just venom. Blaine looked slightly confused at the last word so Kurt elaborated. "Of all the people out there, you were the one who I thought understood." Kurt turned away from Blaine once again and left Blaine with some last words before walking out of the room. "Guess nothing's as it seems huh?"
Kurt slammed the door on the way out, leaving Blaine stunned and shaking slightly. Blaine stayed there, skipping last period before slowly heading down the dreaded hallway to glee.
After everyone had taken their seats, Blaine slouching and looking at the floor, Mr. Schue entered. "Hey guys! So, it's Friday which means that we have a few performances…hey, where's Kurt?" Every head in the room swiveled towards Blaine.
A/N: So, yeah. Don't really know when the next chapter will be up, I'm waiting to see if anyone actually reads this, so… Please review and let me know what you think, good or bad!