Notes 1: I've worked out what Mary Sue's deep dark secret is, whether I'll get round to writing it is another matter – but this seems to be helping me take a guilt-free break from Sun.
Notes 2: There are some great fics with Original characters, Wounded Duck, Second Time Around, Something Quite Special to name a few – I want to be clear, I'm parodying Mary Sues, not every fic with OC's. There's a difference between a Mary Sue and an Original Character, it's the writer in charge.
Notes 3: Aly was going to write the next chapter of this, but has vanished, and I never received the entire chapter, so I've written it myself. Sorry Aly.
All of the boys offer to carry Mary Sue's bag to the dorms, but she declines, like I said, she's stronger than Fulton and Portman put together.
Because I haven't planned this fic, I don't know where Mary Sue is going to sleep. Luckily, Julie and Connie remedy this by offering to let her stay with them. There are only two beds, and they fight like cat and dog (perhaps that is a bad metaphor, while Julie is a cat, Connie is most certainly not a dog) over who gets to give up their bed for Mary Sue.
Mary Sue politely refuses them both and says she prefers the floor – the hard wood keeps her back straight (think Arnie in Twins). And this is true, Mary Sue is not being a martyr, she can't help being perfect. Connie and Julie are so inspired by Mary Sue that they ask the Dorm Supervisor to remove their beds too. By the end of the week, none of the Ducks sleep anywhere else but the floor and the poor Dorm Supervisors are up to their eyeballs in beds. Mary Sue suggests that the beds be given to a local orphanage. This idea goes down a treat, and yet more people love her, the Supervisors, the orphans and the people that run the orphanage.
The next morning Mary Sue wakes up at four am to start her extensive work-out. She jogs to California and back (during this her hair and make-up remain immaculate, she doesn't even break a sweat – oh sorry, Mary Sue has asked that I rephrase that – she doesn't perspire at all), and isn't even late for breakfast.
She sits with the Ducks who hang on to every word she says. The talk turns to hockey and Team USA, despite the fact that you readers are dying to know more about Mary Sue. Don't worry, we'll find out more about her in a minute.
As it turns out, Mary Sue should have played in Team USA too, but she was busy, most notably writing a best selling novel and winning the Nobel Peace Prize (although if she does have a deep dark secret, it's probably set in this pre-Duck grey area).
At this point, Varsity wander over – presumably to beat up Adam, who can't seem to get through a fic without being hurt – but see Mary Sue and decide to be good. They too fall in love with her. If I had any imagination, I'd let Mary Sue and the Ducks play some pranks on them, but I don't.
Mary Sue sails through the day, because of her genius IQ she shouldn't actually be at school but has to be there because a) she's on the team, and b) she's got to fall in love with someone.
Then comes practice, this is where Mary Sue really shines. She's so good that Orion decides that the other thirteen people on the team should play against her. She wins 48-0. Orion nearly dies of happiness. The Ducks are deeply impressed and not even slightly resentful.
Mary Sue gets changed quickly after practice, putting on a T-shirt with the world 'Angel' on the front and 'You Wish' on the back (standard issue for all Mary Sues), turning down several offers to be walked back to her dorm and leaves the locker room.
She wanders off towards a nice secluded area so she can have a few minutes peace from the Ducks. On her way there, she passes Adam, sobbing in the arms of a random original character, presumably because he's either hurt himself, or feels that nobody understands.
If Adam was my favourite character, Mary Sue would stop and comfort him and make all the bad stuff go away, but since I don't like the whinging nonce, she doesn't even slow down or offer a supportive smile.
And why is Mary Sue running away? Isn't it obvious? Well, just wait and see.
Mary Sue finds herself in the woods at the edge of the school (every school has woods on the ground, don't fight me on this), and sits down on a handily placed toadstool (put there by fairies for her Mary Sue's own use), she puts her face in her hands and cries, the weight of her terrible secret bearing down on her like a… um, really heavy thing.
"Mary Sue? Why are you crying?"
Mary Sue frantically wipes her eyes (heartily glad that she's lucky enough to have waterproof mascara that actually is waterproof) and looks up to see Luis. "I'm fine." She says perkily, giving him a smile that shows off her sparkling white teeth. "Honestly, I just wanted to be by myself."
"Really?" He asks, full of concern for this beautiful creature that has joined his team and put his heart in a spin (yes, it made me hurl to write such a sickly-sweet sentence).
"Really I –" Mary Sue is cut off by a rustling in the bushes. Oh no, it's Riley and the rest of the Varsity Team! What now?
[Cut to: Commercial Break – D4: Mary Sue Joins The Ducks is sponsored by Sarcasm Ltd]
[Napalm Cigarettes – Why wait for cancer?]
[Acid Soda Pop – Rots your teeth while you watch]
["I'm a teeny-bopper and it's ok" the new single by BaybeeGurl, out now!]
[End Commercial Break]
We rejoin Mary Sue and Luis in the midst of the famous JV vs Varsity scowl contest. Varsity are winning because they're less attractive.
"You'd better go now." Mary Sue threatens menacingly.
"Oooh, we're scared of you little girl!" Somebody replied.
Mary Sue flips out and becomes Buffy the Varsity Slayer. She's practiced martial arts since she was a baby and kicks their asses into another time zone. Go Mary Sue! Go!
She grins at Luis, says something incredibly witty and they walk back to the school, where Luis recounts the tale, to the amusement of everyone in the school.
Oh yes, Mary Sue is a big hit.
More Notes: Sorry about the commercial break, I've got no idea what inspired that. Hrmm, maybe it's my nicotine fit kicking in. I must give up soon.
In the next chapter: Will Varsity retaliate after Mary Sue kicked their respective ass? Will she share her deep dark secret? Will she get it on with a Duck? And more importantly, does anyone care?