The Tempest: an adaptation of sorts

(All the actors in the first scene of The Tempest are on stage, about to start the show. Just then, Hamlet, Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, and a bunch of other unimportant people run onstage.)

Hamlet: Ah, good, the players are here!

Claudius: So WHY did you want me to watch this anyway?

Hamlet: reason...none at all...I mean, it's for entertainment, that's all. Yeah, harmless amusement. The play's the thing, right?

Claudius: Whatever. You're insane, so I shouldn't even bother talking to you.

(Claudius, Ophelia, and all the other unimportant people go to an above balcony, leaving Hamlet standing awkwardly in the midst of all the characters from The Tempest.)

Hamlet: Finally he's gone. Hey guys, can you add these lines to the play? *gives stack of papers*

Antonio: We can't learn that! The play's about to start!

Hamlet: But...but I'm from Denmark!

Sebastian: And I'm lazy by nature. No one cares, kid. Go away.

Hamlet: Fine. Whatever. But try to emphasize the lines about, you know, overthrowing kings and stuff like that.

Alonso: We'll see what we can do.

Hamlet: Great! *runs up to join the others in the balcony* I love plays!

Ophelia (in a high-pitched voice reminiscent of Ron Weasley from Potter Puppet Pals): And I love you, Hamlet!

Gertrude: And I love you, Claudius!

Hamlet: *sigh*

(Lights dim. A Voice From Above is heard.)

Voice From Above: Today's play is called...The Murder of Gonzalo.

Gonzalo: WHAT? This isn't a tragedy! No one's supposed to die! People only die in tragedies, unless they're stupid in a comedy! *sigh* My agent will hear about this.

Voice From Above: Sorry, my mistake. The play is actually called The Tempest, Or A Story Where No One Actually Dies Although There Are Many Instances Of Backstabbing Brothers Which Is An Oblique Hint To Someone Who Happens To Be King Of Denmark In Our Audience. It can also be called The Mousetrap, if you like.

(Curtains close and then reopen. Everyone's on a ship.)

Captain: Boatswain! Get over here now!

Boatswain: Dude, I am NOT getting you any more drinks. I'm not a waiter.

Captain: No! This is serious! We're all gonna DIE!

Boatswain: Oh, ok.

(A bunch of people enter)

Everyone except Gonzalo: AAAHHHHHHHH!

Gonzalo: We're all gonna eat pie?

Antonio: No, you idiot. We're all gonna die!


Alonso: Yeah. Anyways, I am the King of Naples so that automatically makes me 5000 times more awesome than you, Boatswain. I must see the captain.

Boatswain: I don't think so, bro. You're in our way.

Alonso: "Bro?" I am the KING!

Boatswain: Whatevs. You're interfering with emergency protocol, so get out of our way, give thanks you have lived a long life, go back to your seat and prepare to die.

Alonso: ...

(Everyone leaves except Antonio, Sebastian, and Gonzalo.)

Gonzalo: He's going to be hanged.

Sebastian: Umm...Gonzalo? Where the heck did that come from?

Gonzalo: It was one of my more brilliant thoughts.

Antonio: Okay then. Let's all sink with the king. Because I'm totally loyal to the king. Even though later I'm going to help Sebastian plot to KILL HIS BROTHER, THE KING.

Hamlet (from above): Nice!

Claudius (also from above): What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Hamlet (still from above): weren't listening? At all? You didn't hear...Never mind. Carry on.

Sebastian: Er-right. I'm loyal too.

(Antonio and Sebastian leave, leaving only Gonzalo)

Gonzalo: Boatswain, because for some reason that's his real name, had better be hanged. Because if he doesn't get hanged, we're screwed, man. We. Are. Screwed.

(curtains close)

So, did you like it? Did you understand the Hamlet references? If you've never read Hamlet (which is sad, because it's awesome!), basically Claudius was Hamlet's uncle who killed Hamlet's father, the king, and took his throne. So yeah.

Also, which characters from other Shakespearean plays would you like to have appear next? I've already got quite a few that will be making an appearance in the next few scenes. But I'd love to hear your thoughts. So please review! Whether it's a compliment or critique, your thoughts are very much appreciated. :)