Author's Note: I haven't written a Gintama fic in a while, so I figured, "Hey, if I'm writing a Gintama fic, might as well make it a parody, since this is Gintama we're talking about."
And, before you ask, no I am not parodying Battle Royale just because I'm writing a parody for The Hunger Games with One Piece characters. I just thought that Gintama hasn't done a parody of Battle Royale (or even Hunger Games) yet, and it seems like something Sorachi would parody.
Warnings: Character death, violence, and a cameo from a certain pirate crew. The first three are because it's a parody of Battle Royale, and the last one is because no Gintama fic is complete without a cameo or two from a Shonen Jump character and/or an OC for a Shonen Jump anime.
Disclaimer: Hideaki Sorachi owns Gintama and Koushin Takami owns Battle Royale.
If You're Going to Kidnap a Horde of Teenagers, at Least Give Them Stuff to do
It was just another day in the class of Ginpachi-sensei. Or, was it?
"Alright, kids, we just completed our finals, so we're going on an educational field trip!" Gintoki announced. The students groaned.
"Where are we going to?" Shinpachi asked as he raised his hand. Gintoki smiled.
"We're going to Disneyland!" Gintoki announced. The class cheered.
"We're going to Disneyland!" Tama said happily.
"Wait... What's the catch?" Okita asked Gintoki.
"There is no catch," Gintoki explained. The students cheered louder.
"Yay! We're going to Disneyland, and there's no catch!" Kagura cheered. Sadly, there was a catch, because a mock Spanish Inquisiton consisting of Umibozu, Matsudaira, Hinowa, and Ketsuno Ana burst into the room.
"Oi, just what are you doing here?" Gintoki asked the four.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Umibozu yelled. The entire class grew silent.
"I'm sorry, did you four escape from a mental zoo?" Okita asked the four. The Spanish Inquisition then got out laser pointers.
"You are the Weakest Link. Good-bye," Umibozu said before they knocked Class 3-Z unconscious with the lasers.
When Class 3-Z awoke, they were in another classroom.
"Oi, we better not fucking be in Kansas anymore. I have a headache," Gintoki said as he awoke.
"Did I leave the stove on?" Shinpachi asked groggily.
"What time is it?" Tsukuyo asked everyone.
"Are we at Great Moments With Eichiiro Oda yet, or are we going on Space Mountain?" Kagura asked everyone. Umibozu, Hinowa, Matsudaira, and Ketsuno Ana entered the classroom.
"Hey, Gin-san, isn't that the weatherwoman you have a crush on?" Shinpachi asked Gintoki as he pointed to Ketsuno Ana. Something inside Gintoki then snapped.
"You know, when a weatherwoman you have a crush on knocks you unconscious and drags you into a classroom, shit will get real," Gintoki explained to his class. The room then grew silent, save for somebody reading Shonen Jump in the back of the room.
"I don't get it," Pirako stated.
"You will after this brief word from our sponsors," Matsudaira explained. Then, several men dressed in orange-and-white jumpsuits dropped down from the ceiling.
"Morning Rescue!" The men in the jumpsuits shouted before they ran around the room to pass out bottles of Morning Rescue to everyone. "Morning Rescue! Morning Rescue!"
The Morning Rescue guys then exploded, rock-and-roll style. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Okay, then..." Shinpachi said. "If somebody doesn't get sued for that by nine o'clock tonight, I can still go to school tomorrow for the last day of school activities."
"Now, is everybody wondering why we knocked an entire class unconscious and dragged them here?" Hinowa asked everyone.
"Ooh! Are we going to Loft?" Tojo asked everyone. (1)
"You go to Loft every Saturday," Kyuubei pointed out.
"Shut up! Once a week is not enough for me sometimes!" Tojo yelled as he pointed his finger at Kyuubei.
"Are we going to a love hotel?" Sacchan asked Hinowa. Everyone sweatdropped.
"What's her deal?" Everyone in Class 3-Z but Sacchan thought to themselves. Umibozu cleared his throat.
"Enough chit-chat, let's get down to business!" Umibozu yelled.
"To defeat the huns!" Yamazaki sang.
"Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?" Catherine sang. Umibozu glared at the students.
"Anyway, welcome to the Program," Umibozu announced. "You are the first class to be selected for the Program."
Everyone grew silent.
"Oi, I'm a teacher, and you never told me about this," Gintoki said. Matsudaira got out a gun and shot at Gintoki. But, instead of bullets coming out, a flag that said "Daddy's bangy-thingie. Drawn by: Kuriko, age five" came out of the gun.
"Sorry about that," Matsudaira apologized as he put away his gun.
"Don't tell me you've put us in a mental zoo!" Otsuu-chan cried.
"We already did that to the cast of One Piece: Parallel Works," Ketsuno Ana explained as she pointed to the famous Capricorn Pirates.
"Oi, did you guys escape from a mental zoo?" Kazuma Miyafuji, the swordsman of the Capricorn Pirates who is manlier than 25% of Gintama's cast, yelled from across the room.
"SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, DUMBASS!" Okita yelled back.
"I DON'T HAVE TO, YOU BRAT!" Hana Yakushi, the yaoi-loving navigator of the Capricorn Pirates, yelled back.
"WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE HERE?" Kagura yelled to the Capricorns.
"BECAUSE WE NEED TO PAY THE BILLS! EVEN PIRATES SAILING THE GRAND LINE HAVE BILLS TO PAY!" Wolfgang Katsuragi, the money-loving merchant of the Capricorn Pirates, yelled back.
"You guys aren't even legit One Piece canon characters," Shinpachi pointed out. The room grew silent.
"At least I have sex appeal," Holden Sarutobi, who was 1/3 of the bishie musican trio collectively known as "The Sarutobi siblings", pointed out. Takasugi glared at Holden and his two brothers, Heathcliffe and Soren.
"At least I have this," Takasugi retorted as he pulled out a Justaway. The Capricorns got out their weapons.
"Young man, you have five seconds to put away that thing. That is no way to behave when in the face of celebrities," Kartik Abingdon, the stuck-up, sophisticated shipwright of the Capricorn Pirates, said as he aimed his crossbow at Takasugi. With a pout, Takasugi put his Justaway away.
"Atta boy, son," Blaise Nightwing, the blacksmith (and borderline creeper) of the Capricorn Pirates, said to Takasugi as he adjusted his glasses. Somebody's watch beeped.
"We're so sorry. We'd love to stay and chat with you guys, but we have to go," Yuki-Rin, the captain, apologized.
"We're going to Hong Kong for our vacation," Hana added.
"Wait! I never got any autographs from you guys!" Yamazaki shouted.
"I'm sorry, but you guys have something to do, and we have something to do," Hana apologized. Yamazaki, however, began crying.
"Take me with you! Aki has nice -" Yamazaki yelled before Hijikata shot him with a shotgun. However, somebody from 4kids was probably reading the scene, so we had to re-edit Hijikata's shotgun and give him a Super Soaker.
"Ahh! I'm [all wet]!" Yamazaki cried. The part where he shouted "all wet" was badly dubbed-over, since Yamazaki originally said "in serious pain". The Capricorns sweatdropped.
"Sorry, guys. We have to go, or we're going to miss our flight," Hana apologized as the Capricorns began to leave.
"Oh, by the way, nice dog collars," Gareth Archer, the archaeologist whose Devil Fruit can transform himself into a tree, said before the Capricorns left. Class 3-Z looked down to the dog collars around their necks.
"Okay, where's Ashton Kutcher?" Shinpachi cried.
"There is no hidden camera. You have three days to kill your classmates. Last one standing wins," Matsudaira explained.
"Then what are these collars for?" Kamui asked Matsudaira.
"Your tracking devices. If you go too far from the arena or if you're in the right place at the right time, your head will asplode," Matsudaira explained.
"Asplode?" Tama asked.
"You heard me, I said 'asplode' and not 'explode'. That's how I roll," Matsudaira said.
"You have five minutes to work out a strategy. Until we get back with your stuff, you better have an action plan," Umibozu explained before he, Matsudaira, Hinowa, and Ketsuno Ana left the room. The room grew silent.
"Well, then... Good-bye, everyone. It was nice knowing you all," Okita said. Gintoki's eyes turned to Yamazaki, who was now twitching on the ground and foaming at the mouth. Gintoki then began to fiddle with Yamazaki's collar.
"Gin-san, what are you doing?" Shinpachi asked Gintoki, who now had Yamazaki's collar around his neck.
"You, me, and Kagura are going to save everyone," Gintoki explained.
"I never agreed to this!" Shinpachi cried.
"Me neither!" Kagura yelled in agreement. Gintoki sighed.
"Okay, okay. After we save everyone, Kagura gets a year's supply of sukonbu," Gintoki explained.
"Bitchin'!" Kagura said as she pumped her fist into the air.
"And me?" Shinpachi asked Gintoki.
"More screentime in G[Bleep]tama," Gintoki said. "But, that doesn't mean more lines."
"If I wasn't allied with Gin-san in these Hunger Games rip-offs, he'd be the first to go," Shinpachi thought to himself.
(1) - Loft is the fabric place Tojo likes to go to.
Before I forget, here's who will compete in our little Battle Royale (with cheese):
* Yamazaki got shot before the Program began because he was being a perv. Gintoki takes his place.
Kagura Yato Tae Shimura
Ayame "Sacchan" Sarutobi
Review if you want the Battle Royale to begin!