Hey guys, I was having a bit of writer's block and I've always wanted to do an all dialogue one shot so here I am. This is most likely one of the few times that I'll write Bade, but if it's requested I definitely can again! I really hope you all can follow who's talking well enough. I happen to think this story is pretty funny and true to the couple's behaviors. It's not that I dislike Bade, it's just a bit hard for me to read and write. Weird, huh?

Disclaimer: If I owned Victorious, you would know. Trust me.

"Jade, do you think we'll get married someday?"


"Yeah, and I think we'll have two perfect children."


"There will be boy and a girl, yes."

"What will there names be?"
"Spencer because it sounds like scissors and Katie because I like that name."

"You really think that'll happen?"

"Yeah, right after I start shitting unicorns."

"Damn, Jade, I really believed you."


"But…Why not?"

"Because my uterus will not be some whiny, unborn baby's play toy."

"You know I hate the word uterus."

"Yes and that's why I said it. Would you rather I say vagina?"

"No…Stop it."

"Oh Big Beck Oliver is afraid of the word vagina? How about pussy?"

"Stop it! How about 'lady parts'?"

"My reproductive system is not a sink; you don't refer to my ovaries and eggs as parts!"

"Well I don't think you should refer to your 'reproductive system' as a cat, either!"

"Who the fuck calls a cat a pussy anymore?"

"I'm sure someone out there does."

"Yeah, maybe Tweety Bird!"

"Hey, that was a quality cartoon!"

"Whatever. I can't believe you're too immature to hear the word vagina from your own girlfriend."


"It didn't seem so awkward when you put your penis there last night."

"Must you say penis?"

"Yes, I must!"

"Oh really, it's a necessity?"

"Yeah, actually, it is."

"So, to survive in life, you need food, water, oxygen, shelter, and the ability to say the words penis and vagina?"

"YOU JUST SAID NAUGHTY WORDS! Oh God, call the priest, the world must be ending!"

"If the world was ending, you wouldn't call a priest. Hell, you don't even know a priest."

"What is your point exactly? You're just trying to change the subject of your juvenile behavior because you know it's ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous is that we're still talking about this."

"I'm just curious; why don't you like mentions of sexual organs?"

"It's just not something you're supposed to talk about."

"Says who, your mommy?"

"No! It's just impolite."

"You don't think it's impolite when you're fucking me."

"Oh c'mon, that makes it sound so dirty."

"What do you want me to say? Love making?"

"Oh, you can't be serious, Beck!"

"I think it's true, though! We're in love and to express that, we become one person."

"Oh, my God! Please excuse me while I puke up everything I have ever eaten."

"I'm just being honest."

"I'm going to stop having sex with you if you call it that."

"Jade, do you really want to stop having sex with me?"


"Okay. Why, though?"

"Sometimes…No, forget it. I'm Jade; I don't think things like this."

"No one is invincible, babe, no matter how much you'd like to be. Tell me what's wrong."

"I…I just don't feel pretty sometimes, okay?"


"Shut up."

"Jade West is insecure?"

"Shut the fuck up, Beck."

"I just never thought I'd see the day where–"

"Alright, I'm leaving; obviously you don't care about me enough to be serious about this."

"No, Jade, please stay. I was just trying to make you laugh so you would feel better. You really don't feel pretty, babe? I catch guys staring at you all the time. Hell, I've gotten in fights for it. Seeing your gorgeous faces makes any bad day better. You light up a whole room, Jade."

"If you start singing One Direction, I swear I'll kill you."

"You have to admit the one with the crazy hair is pretty hot."

"Hey, Beck, I think your homosexuality is showing."

"Hardy har har. Don't pretend like you disagree."

"I don't think anyone in that boy band is hot, I'm not a crazed teenage girl like Cat or Vega."

"The way that you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell!"

"No, stop it!"

"You don't know, you don't know you're beautiful!"

"I said knock it off!"

"That's what makes you beauti – OW!"

"I told you to stop. It was annoying me."

"Yeah, but that doesn't give you the right to punch me in the face!"

"What would give me the right to punch you in the face?"


"Just curious."

"Why do I feel like you're lying?"

"Because I am."

"Good girls don't have the urge to punch their boyfriend's in the face."

"When have I ever shown any interest at all in being a 'good girl'?"


"Your face is bleeding."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Your mom's for creating an annoying son of a bitch like you."

"That was cold."

"So is her heart."
"Enough mother jokes."

"There are never enough mother jokes."

"I think you've had your fill."

"Is someone sensitive about his mommy?"

"She's a very nice lady!"

"I told you to stop throwing Hangover quotes into our conversations!"

"You love it."

"No, I don't. I love watching Vega cry. I love coffee. I love you, sometimes, maybe. But I do not love that."

"Oh, so you love me?"

"The words 'sometimes' and 'maybe' were also said."

"Whatever you say. Why do you hate Tori so much?"

"Why do you not?"

"I don't have any reason to."

"Oh, so you're in love with her now?"

"I didn't say that!"

"You heavily implied it!"
"I really don't think you know the definition of imply."

"So now I'm stupid?"

"Imply is a simple fifth grade term! How could I not know what it means?"

"Really, Jade, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"

"Oh, my God. You seriously just used a board game title as a pun?"

"It's also a TV show."

"Yeah, a shitty TV show."

"I think it's entertaining."

"Oh come on, you don't understand half the questions."

"They don't teach that in fifth grade!"

"Maybe you were too busy picking your nose."

"Most likely."

"That's disgusting."

"The truth isn't always pretty. And you're mom isn't always pretty, either."


"OUCH! Jade, quit punching me!"

"You insulted my mother!"

"But you just said you like mom jokes!"

"Why would I like you calling half of my chromosomes ugly?"

"I didn't mean that."

"You basically just told me that you don't think I'm attractive."

"When did I ever say anything like that?"
"It. Was. Implied!"

"Here we go."

"What's that supposed to mean?"
"When did Cat get here?"

"…Do you wish Cat was here?"

"What? No."

"You think she's hotter than me!"

"Jade, I do not!"
"Is it because of her hair? Do you find redheads hot?"

"Babe, the only one I find hot is you."

"Well yeah, it better be! I'm hot as hell."

"But so am I, right?"

"Sure. Whatever it takes to get you to shut up."

"Well, we could do something that would really make me shut up."

"Beck, what are you doing? Oh…"

"Do you like that?"

"Did I say you could stop?"

"I think I'm going to turn of the lights now."

"Whatever, hurry up."

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, clothes off, now."


"Faster, I can't wait forever!"

"You ready babe?"

"Just go, already!"




"I love you."

"I love you too, babe."

"Do you really think that no one is invincible?"

"Well you sure didn't sound invincible when you were screaming my name five minutes ago."


So this was pretty random but I hope you thought it was funny! I love writing Jade, she's just so beautifully evil hehe. Well, if you guys want more of this type of story I will most definitely write more! You just have to let me know!

If you review, I'll give you my virginity.

Just kidding, your mom already took that!


Sorry, that was inappropriate. Please review and tell me if I made you uncomfortable, and if I didn't, then call me ;)

I need sleep.