Cyberspace Celibacy

Author: irishchicka1

Rating: K

Summary: Bella's response to the blatant witch-hunt of mature fanfictions on FFN. Edwards disbelief.

Disclaimer: *grins*


Bella slams down the laptop viciously and screams in frustration, startling Edward who is quietly doing a paint-by-number of puppies in the corner of their home.

"I've had it! This is bull malarkey!" She exclaims as the heat rises to her face in anger.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter? And, Bella, there isn't cause for such language, you know. Remember, your place, dear." Edward admonishes.

"We can't procreate anymore, Edward." Bella grips her hair in frustration.

"Uhhh….crazy woman say what?" Edward stands, flinging his paintbrush to the floor.

"I'm sorry, Edward, we can't do that anymore. There's a group of teens on FFN, who have a serious God complex that are getting all our hotness pulled because we 'broke the rules' with all the horizontal bop-iness we've been having. While it makes me weak in the knees to think about and recall, we can't do that anymore." Bella pleads with her man.

"But…but…I don't….WHAT?...NO!NO!NO!" Edward screams and shoves his hand in his hair, pulling at it in frustration.

"It's true, darling. They are even recruiting 11-year-old girls to go read all our schmexy goodness and report it. You know, Cara No and Soapy Mayhem? GONE! And so many others, sweetheart. SOOOOOO many others." Bella says earnestly.

"What? Those were some of my favorite times in life. I mean, we're destined to be together. We've bumped uglies…that's natural right?" Edward croaks as he falls to his knees.

Bella strokes his head with one finger, keeping the appropriate distance between male and female bodies on FFN. "I know sweetie, mine too. And, you know Irish? She's gone too."

Edward stands, pacing back and forth as he spouts obscenities such as "donkwaffle" and "Beans AND Rice".

"But…that hood of the car scene…I mean….shizzzzz!" Edward pitifully whines.

"I know, sweet man. But, if authors want to post on FFN, that's how it has to be. You understand don't you?" Bella pleads.

Edward continues to mumble things such as "Holy moly" and "I swear to Pete" as he climbs into the single bed across the room from Bella's with full pajamas, a beanie and socks on his feet.

Bella, climbing into her own single bed in head to toe flannel plaid, fuzzy socks, long-johns, a Kevlar chastity belt, and a hair net. "Good night, dear. Blow me a kiss, because you know we can't get more than three feet away from each other or we're breaking the rules."

Edward cries into his pillow as the lights turn out and he hears her releasing the rabid dogs that will keep camp between their beds.