I did my best with this one! I tried to keep the language of the time period, so it doesn't sound as much like Ace Attorney as I'd like. I hope it is still enjoyable 8I
Westley - Diego
Buttercup - Mia
Vizzini - Luke Atmey
Inigo Montoya - Miles Edgeworth
Fezzik - Gumshoe
Prince Humperdinck – Prince Kristoph
Dread Pirate Roberts—Dread Pirate Godot
Count Tyrone Rugen - Manfred von Karma
Miracle Max - Victor Kudo
Valerie - Bikini
The Albino - Director Hotti
Grandson - Cody Hackins
Grandpa - Phoenix
Yellin - Meekins
The Impressive Clergyman - Judge's Brother
The King - Yanni Yogi
The Queen - Polly
The Ancient Booer - Wendy Oldbag
The Princess Bride Crossover
Adapted by Kaarina Helvete
Motion Picture Directed by Rob Reiner
Based on the book by William Goldman
[Scene: Cody's bedroom, Cody is on the bed, playing on the holo-screen]
Mother: *walks in* Hi, honey.
Cody: Hi, Mom.
Mother: *kisses him on the forehead* You feelin' any better?
Cody: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Mother: Your grandfather's here.
Cody: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Cody: He'll pinch my cheek. *pouts* I hate that.
Mother: Maybe he won't.
Phoenix: Heyyyy! How's the sickie, hmm?
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone. *leaves*
Phoenix: *walks over to the bed* I brought you a special present.
Cody: What is it? *suddenly excited*
Phoenix: *hands a small, wrapped gift to Cody* Open it up.
Cody: *tears the wrapping off like there's no tomorrow, but stares at the inside and frowns* … A Nook ?
Phoenix: That's right. When I was your age, the holo-screen was called a Nook. And this is a special Nook. It was the Nook my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Cody: Does it got any samurai in it?
Phoenix: Are you kidding? It's got fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles...
Cody: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Phoenix: Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One. Mia was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Diego, but she never called him that. *pauses* Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Cody: Yeah, it's really good. *does nothing to hide his boredom*
Phoenix: "Nothing gave Mia as much pleasure as ordering
Mia: *jumps off her horse and skips over to the farm boy in the stable* Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Diego: As you wish.
Phoenix: "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."
Mia: *stares at the boy, unable to look away; holds out two buckets* Farm boy, fill these with water...please.
Diego: As you wish. *stares at her*
Phoenix: "That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."
Mia: Farm boy... Fetch me that pitcher. *nods to it, even though it's right above her head a quite within reach*
Diego: *stares for a moment* As you wish. *doesn't break eye contact as he retrieves it for her*
[Mia smiles; the scene segues to a sunset, and they kiss]
Cody: Hold it, HOLD IT! What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me? Where's the sports? *gravely* Is this a kissing story?
Phoenix: Wait, just wait.
Cody: Well when does it get good?
Phoenix: Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Diego had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Mia."
Cody: I don't believe this. *incredulous*
Mia: I fear I'll never see you again.
Diego: Of course you will!
Mia: But what if something happens to you?
Diego: Hear this now: I will always come for you. *gives her a reassuring smile*
Mia: But how can you be sure? *fighting back tears*
Diego: This is True Love. You think this happens every day? *runs away dramatically*
Phoenix: "Diego didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the dread pirate Godot, who never left captives alive. When Mia got the news that Diego was murdered,-"
Cody: Murdered by pirates is good...
Phoenix: *ignores Cody* -"She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate."
Mia: I will never love again. *stares ahead into space, blankly*
[Scene: Main Square. Kristoph, King on balcony]
Phoenix: "Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Kristoph's bride-to-be."
Kristoph: *addressing the crowd* My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common
now. Would you like to meet her?
Kristoph: My people, the Princess Mia! *Mia enters, wearing crown and gown, looking apathetic and empty*
[Scene: Outside Florin City walls. Mia is riding a horse]
Phoenix: "Mia's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Kristoph the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Kristoph's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."
[Scene: Lane alongside river. Three men stop Mia.]
Luke: *dressed in commoner's garb* A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there perchance a village nearby?
Mia: There is nothing nearby...not for miles.
Luke: Then there will be no one to hear you scream! *lunges at her, hitting a pressure point on her neck and knocking her out*
[Scene: Next to a boat. Luke is messing with Mia's horse]
Miles: *frowns* What is that you're ripping?
Luke: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder.
Gumshoe: Who's Gilder?
Luke: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Florin, you imbecile! *to the horse* Go! *the horse gallops away, and the four board the boat* Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed. It's brilliant! Genius! *cackles*
Gumshoe: You never said anything about killing anyone, pal.
Luke: *as he removes his hideous commoner's garb to reveal a nice coattail jacket* I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. *replaces his monocle on his face*
Gumshoe: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl. *looks down at the deck, almost ashamed*
Luke: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Miles: *frowns* I agree with Gumshoe.
Luke: OH! The sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her, and remember this, NEVER FORGET THIS: When I found you, you were so sickeningly poor, you couldn't buy TEA! *to Gumshoe* AND YOU! Friendless, brainless, helpless, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND! *turns and prepares to leave*
Gumshoe: *silently goes back to work*
Miles: *softly, to Gumshoe* That Luke, he can fuss.
Gumshoe: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us.
Miles: Probably he means no harm.
Gumshoe: He's really very short on... charm.
Miles: You have a great gift for rhyme. *smirks*
Gumshoe: Yes, yes, some of the time. *sets sail*
Luke: *hears* Enough of that!
Miles: Gumshoe, are there rocks ahead? *holds back his laughter*
Gumshoe: If there are, we all be dead!
Luke: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Gumshoe: Anybody want a peanit?
[Scene: Open water. Miles is looking behind the boat frequently]
Luke: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. *notices Miles* Why are you doing that?
Miles: *frowning* Are you sure nobody's following us?
Luke: *incredulous* That would be inconceivable.
Mia: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the prince will see you all hanged. *haughty glare*
Luke: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own. *pauses, then snaps at Miles* Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over.
Miles: You are sure nobody's following us?
Luke: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Gilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've gotten here so fast. *pauses* Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Miles: No reason. Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Luke: ... Zvarri! Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night... *looks slightly uncomfortable* ... through eel-infested waters.
Mia: *dives overboard, and starts swimming away*
Luke: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!
Miles: *shrugs* I don't swim.
Gumshoe: I only dog paddle.
Luke: DYEEAAHHHHHH! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! *to Mia* Do you know what that sound is, highness! Those are the shrieking eels. If you don't believe me, just wait! They always grown louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! *seethes, then calms himself* If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels!
[Scene: Boy's bedroom]
Phoenix: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Phoenix: The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you because you look nervous.
Cody: I-I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing.
Phoenix: Because we can stop now if you want.
Cody: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.
[Scene: Back on boat]
Phoenix: "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels."
Cody: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Phoenix: Oh, oh geez, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right. Let's see... She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then-
Gumshoe: *punches the eel in the face, then grabs Mia, lifting her into the boat*
Luke: *exasperated* Put her down, just put her down.
Miles: *looking behind them again* I think he's getting closer.
Luke: He's no concern of ours! SAIL ON! *fights to control his anger, then speaks to Mia* I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Mia: Only compared to some.
[Scene: Base of The Cliffs of Insanity.]
Miles: Look! He's right on top of us. His boat moves faster with only one person.
Luke: Whoever he is, he's too late. SEE? The Cliffs of Insanity! Hurry up! Move the thing! And that other thing! *pause* Move it! *shoos them out of the boat and over to a rope hanging from the cliff* We're safe. Only Gumshoe is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor.
[Scene: Climbing the Cliffs. Miles, Luke and Mia are clinging to Gumshoe, as he climbs a rope to the top]
Miles: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
Luke: Inconceivable! *pauses* FASTER!
Gumshoe: I thought I was going faster.
Luke: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing, AND YET HE GAINS!
Gumshoe: Well, pal, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself.
Luke: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all. *grits his teeth together*
Gumshoe: Please don't say that, Luke. *gives that adorably sad puppy look*
Luke: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake!
[Scene: At the top. Gumshoe, Luke and Miles are looking down at
the masked man climbing the cliff after Luke has cut the rope]
Gumshoe: He's got good arms, pal.
Luke: He didn't fall! INCONCEIVABLE!
Miles: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means. *pauses, then looks back down the cliff* My God! He's climbing!
Luke: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. *to Gumshoe* You, carry her. *back to Miles* We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Miles: *squints slightly* I'm going to do him left-handed.
Luke: *grits his teeth* You know what a hurry we're in!
Miles: It is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it will over too quickly. *getting focused*
Luke: Oh... Have it your way. *starts walking*
Gumshoe: You be careful, pal. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Luke: *calls to Gumshoe* I'm waiting!
[Luke, Gumshoe and Mia depart the Ruins, leaving Miles to prepare for the masked man]
Miles: *walks over to the edge, and peers over* Hello there! Slow going?
Dread Pirate Godot: *climbing the cliff* Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Miles: Oh, sorry.
Dread Pirate Godot: *tersely* Thank you.
Miles: *walks away from the edge, and swings his sword a bit, before returning to the edge* I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Dread Pirate Godot: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Miles: I could do that. I still have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Dread Pirate Godot: ... That does put a damper on our relationship.
Miles: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Dread Pirate Godot: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Miles: *grits his teeth* I hate waiting. *walks away, then immediately comes right back* I could give you my word as an American...
Dread Pirate Godot: No good. I've known too many Americans.
Miles: Is there not any way you'll trust me?
Dread Pirate Godot: Nothing comes to mind.
Miles: I swear, on the soul of my father, Gregory Edgeworth, you will reach the top alive.
Dread Pirate Godot: *waits a few seconds before finally conceding* Throw me the rope.
Miles: *goes back and throws the remainder of the rope over the edge, and pulls Godot up*
Dread Pirate Godot: Thank you. *goes to draw his sword*
Miles: Wait, we'll wait until you are ready.
Dread Pirate Godot: *hesitates, then nods* Again, thank you. *sits on a rock*
Miles: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Dread Pirate Godot: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Miles: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. My father was a great sword smith. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved away for a year before it was done. *hands his sword over to Godot for him to examine*
Dread Pirate Godot: *admiring the sword* I've never seen its equal.
Miles: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without another word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man left me alive. But he gave me these. *turns his head to reveal a scar on each cheek*
Dread Pirate Godot: How old were you?
Miles: I was nine years old. I've dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so that the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Miles Edgeworth. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Dread Pirate Godot: You've done nothing but study swordplay?
Miles: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It has been fifteen years now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Luke to pay the bills. There isn't a lot of money in revenge.
Dread Pirate Godot: Well, I certainly hope you find him someday. *stands*
Miles: You are ready, then?
Dread Pirate Godot: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. *draws*
Miles: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. *draws*
Dread Pirate Godot: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
[They begin to fight. Miles uses short attacks while Godot flicks them away easily]
Miles: You are using Bonetti's defense against me, hmm?
Dread Pirate Godot: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain. *backs up onto a large boulder*
Miles: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro. *follows him*
Dread Pirate Godot: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don't you? *jumps off the boulder and guards again*
Miles: Only if the enemy hasn't studied his Agrippa- *jumps up and flips over behind Godot* -which I have!
[They continue fighting.]
Miles: You are wonderful!
Dread Pirate Godot: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Miles: I admit it... You are better than I am. *smirks*
Dread Pirate Godot: Then why are you smiling?
Miles: Because I know something you don't know.
Dread Pirate Godot: And what is that?
Miles: I am not left-handed. *switches his blade to his right hand, and easily equals Godot*
Dread Pirate Godot: You're amazing!
Miles: I ought to be after fifteen years.
Dread Pirate Godot: There is something I ought to tell you.
Miles: Tell me.
Dread Pirate Godot: I'm not left-handed either. *switches his blade to his right, then begins besting Miles once again*
Miles: Who are you...?
Dread Pirate Godot: No one of consequence.
Miles: I must know!
Dread Pirate Godot: Get used to disappointment.
Miles: *shrugs* Okay.
[They continue to fight, and Godot eventually flings Miles' sword from his hand]
Miles: *falls to his knees* Kill me quickly.
Dread Pirate Godot: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either... *hits Miles over the head with the hilt of his sword*
Miles: *hits the ground, out cold*
Godot: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. *runs away*
[Scene: Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. Luke sees the black figure of Godot moving towards them]
Luke: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly.
Gumshoe: What do I do? *hands Mia over*
Luke: Finish him, finish him! Your way!
Gumshoe: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Luke. *pauses, thinking* Which way's my way, pal?
Luke: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The moment his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK! *drags Mia along with him*
Gumshoe: ... My way's not very sportsmanlike. *frowns*
Godot: *approaches the boulders, then slows down; jumps as a rock disintegrates itself just in front of him*
Gumshoe: *steps out from behind a boulder, holding another rock* I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss, pal.
Dread Pirate Godot: I believe you. *pauses* So what happens now?
Gumshoe: We face each other as God intended, pal. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Dread Pirate Godot: ... You mean, you'll put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Gumshoe: I could kill you now. *playfully hefts the rock, threatening to toss it*
Dread Pirate Godot: *as he removes his sheath and places it on the ground* Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Gumshoe: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. *tosses his rock away*
Godot: *readies himself, then runs up to Gumshoe, trying to tackle him to the ground, to no effect*
Gumshoe: *makes faces as though he's struggling*
Dread Pirate Godot: *tries to fell the man again, in vain* Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Gumshoe: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. *he swipes at Godot, who dodges through his legs* You're quick.
Dread Pirate Godot: And a good thing, too.
Gumshoe: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that? *swings at Godot again*
Dread Pirate Godot: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. *dodges again* I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future. *runs back and jumps from a boulder onto Gumshoe's back*
Gumshoe: I just figured why you give me so much trouble. *struggling to grab Godot*
Dread Pirate Godot: *slowly strangling Gumshoe* Why's that, do you think?
Gumshoe: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. *backs into a boulder to try and smash Godot*
Dread Pirate Godot: Why should that make such a-*strained* difference?
Gumshoe: Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about... one. *drops unconscious to the ground*
Dread Pirate Godot: *gets off the man's back and peers down at him* I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women. *runs off again*
[Scene: The Ruins. Kristoph is looking at the scuff marks on
the ground Mounted soldiers and von Karma are present]
Kristoph: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
von Karma: Who won? How did it end? *stands with his arms folded*
Kristoph: The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints... toward Gilder.
von Karma: Shall we track them both?
Kristoph: *glares at von Karma* The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
von Karma: Could this be a trap?
Kristoph: I always think everything could be a trap... *pushes his spectacles farther up on to this nose* ... which is why I'm still alive.
[Scene: Open area. Luke is seated behind a covered table. Mia, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a bottle of wine and two goblets. Godot approaches the Table]
Luke: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward. *holds a dagger pointed at Mia*
Dread Pirate Godot: Let me explain-
Luke: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen. *bares his teeth*
Dread Pirate Godot: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Luke: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her. *presses the point of his dagger into the skin of Mia's neck*
Dread Pirate Godot: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Luke: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Dread Pirate Godot: You're that smart?
Luke: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Dread Pirate Godot: Yes.
Dread Pirate Godot: Really... *pauses* In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Luke: For the princess? *Pirate nods* To the death? *Pirate nods* I accept.
Dread Pirate Godot: Good. Then pour the wine. *sits down at the table*
Luke: *pours the wine into the two goblets*
Godot: *pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it, holding it out to Luke* Inhale this, but do not touch.
Luke: *takes it and sniffs* ... I smell nothing.
Dread Pirate Godot: What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Dread Pirate Godot: *turns away from Luke with the goblets, and pours the poison in; replaces the goblets on the table, one in front of each* All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.
Luke: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Godot: You've made your decision then?
Luke: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Dread Pirate Godot: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Luke: Wait until I get going! *giggles* Where was I?
Dread Pirate Godot: Australia.
Luke: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Godot: You're just stalling now.
Luke: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Godot: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Luke: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Dread Pirate Godot: Then make your choice.
Luke: I will, and I choose- What in the world can that be? *gestures up and away from the table*
Dread Pirate Godot: *looks around* What? Where? I don't see anything.
Luke: *quickly switches the goblets around* Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. *smirks*
Dread Pirate Godot: What's so funny?
Luke: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours. *they drink*
Dread Pirate Godot: *pauses* You guessed wrong.
Luke: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha- *stops suddenly, and falls over dead*
Dread Pirate Godot: *gets up and gently removes Mia's blindfold*
Mia: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Godot: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
Mia: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned. *gets up*
Dread Pirate Godot: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder. *leads her away*
[Scene: At the Boulders]
Kristoph: Someone has beaten a giant. *his face twitches with rage* There will be great suffering in Gilder if she dies.
[Scene: Along a hilltop]
Dread Pirate Godot: Catch your breath.
Mia: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it, I promise you.
Dread Pirate Godot: *laughs* And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Mia: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Kristoph. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Dread Pirate Godot: You think your dearest love will save you?
Mia: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.
Dread Pirate Godot: You admit to me that you do not love your fiancé.
Mia: He knows I do not love him.
Dread Pirate Godot: *scoffs* Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Mia: *gets right up in his face* I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.
Dread Pirate Godot: *raises his hand to slap her, but holds back just barely* That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
[Scene: At the Table. Kristoph sniffs at the vial]
Kristoph: ... Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She's alive, or was an hour ago. *squints* If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out.
[Scene: Grassy Hilltop, alongside a gully]
Dread Pirate Godot: *pushes Mia onto a rock* Rest, Highness.
Mia: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the dread pirate Godot, admit it!
Dread Pirate Godot: *bows* With pride. What can I do for you?
Mia: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Dread Pirate Godot: Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
Mia: *bares her teeth* You killed my love.
Dread Pirate Godot: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby? *leans back onto a fallen tree*
Mia: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. *pauses* On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the dread pirate Godot never takes prisoners.
Dread Pirate Godot: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. *waves his arms for emphasis*
Mia: You mock my pain!
Dread Pirate Godot: Life is pain, Highness. *looks her dead in the eye, though not getting up from his tree* Anyone who says differently is selling something. *pauses, and walks towards her* I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Mia: Nothing you can say will upset me. *refuses to look at him*
Dread Pirate Godot: He died well. That should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please... please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Mia: *spins to glare* And what am I?
Dread Pirate Godot: Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring faithfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Mia: You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that day! *pauses* And you can die too for all I care! *pushes Godot down the hill*
Dread Pirate Godot: *rolling* As... you... wish-!
Mia: *gasps* O-Oh my sweet Diego, what have I done? *jumps down the hill, rolling after him*
[Scene: Hilltop. Kristoph and Soldiers are mounted.]
Kristoph: He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong-and I am never wrong-they are headed dead into the fire swamp.
[Scene: Gully. Godot lost his mask on the roll down.]
Diego: *rolls and holds himself up over Mia* Can you move at all?
Mia: Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly.
Diego: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Mia: Well, you were dead.
Diego: Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Mia: I will never doubt again.
Diego: *quietly* There will never be a need. *they kiss*
[Scene: Boy's bedroom]
Cody: Aw, no. No, please.
Phoenix: What is it? What's the matter?
Cody: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Phoenix: Someday, you may not mind so much.
Cody: Skip on to the fire swamp. That sounded good.
Phoenix: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now... where were we? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh... okay. "Diego and Mia raced along the ravine floor."
[Scene: Ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of the Fire Swamp]
Diego: Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Mia: We'll never survive. *anxious*
Diego: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
[Scene: Inside the Fire Swamp. There are deep animalic sounds occasionally]
Diego: It's not that bad. *pauses* Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. *starts walking*
[There is a series of thumping sounds approaching Mia. A Flame Spout appears beside her]
Mia: *screams, and her gown catches fire*
Diego: *runs over and smothers it* ... Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Mia: *shakes head* You?
Diego: *shakes head* Well, one thing I will say. The fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. *pauses* Godot' ship Revenge, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know, am Godot.
Mia: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?
Diego: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Godot, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Godot decided something. He said, "All right Diego, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night Diego. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Godot and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Mia: What? Go on.
Diego: Well, Godot had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret. *Diego picks Mia up to carry her along a log* "I am not the Dread Pirate Godot", he said. "My name is Marshall. I inherited the ship from the previous dread pirate Godot, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real dread pirate Godot either. His name was Shelley. The real Godot has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." *Mia moves a spider web so that he doesn't walk into it* Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate Diego. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Godot. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Godot ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. *sets her down finally* Is everything clear to you?
Mia: *doubtfully nods head, then steps into a patch of Lightning Sand, and screams as she falls through*
Diego: *cuts a vine, and dives in after her*
[a huge rodent walks by, sniffing around, then leaves]
Diego: *pulls them both back out of the sand, coughing and gasping*
Mia: *lies on the ground* We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Diego: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Mia: Diego, what about the R.O.U.S's?
Diego: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. *just as a large R.O.U.S appears and pounces on him* Aarrggghhh!
Diego: Arr! Aarrrggghhh!
[Fight/Wrestling - Diego vs. R.O.U.S. Flame Spurt appears, igniting the fur of the rodent, and injuring Diego's shoulder. Diego stabs the rodent repeatedly]
Rodent: Brawr rawr rawr! Arouw! *dies*
[Scene: Outside the Fire Swamp, in a lightly wooded area]
Mia: We did it.
Diego: Now, was that so terrible?
Kristoph: *shows up with his men* Surrender!
Diego: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
Kristoph: I give you full marks for bravery. *fixes his spectacles* Don't make yourself a fool.
Diego: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
Kristoph: *his face twitches* I tell you once again, surrender!
Diego: It will not happen.
Kristoph: *his face screws up in rage* For the last time, surrender!
Diego: Death first! *bares his teeth in defiance*
Mia: *butts in* Will you promise not to hurt him?
Kristoph: *calms slightly* What was that?
Diego: What was that? *looks at her*
Mia: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Kristoph: *pauses, and calms* May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
Mia: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
Kristoph: I swear it will be done. *nods to his men, who go to claim Diego; softly, to von Karma* Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
von Karma: I swear it will be done. *sneers in approval*
Mia: *to Diego* I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you. *she's pulled away*
von Karma: *to Diego* Come, sir, we must get you to your ship.
Diego: *pauses* We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
von Karma: *sneers* Well spoken, sir. *Diego notices von Karma's hand and stares* What is it?
Diego: *looks up* You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you.
von Karma: *knocks Diego out cold*
[Scene: Pit of Despair. Diego is strapped to a table, in front of a Large machine that consists of a waterwheel, levers, pumps etc. An Albino is tending to Diego's wounds]
Diego: Where am I?
Director Hotti: *in a menacing voice* The Pit of Despair. Don't even think- *coughs and gasps, then says in a normal voice, which happens to still be kind of creepy* Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret, and only the prince, the count, and I know how to get in and out. *does a creepy grabby-hands gesture*
Diego: Then I'm here till I die?
Hotti: Till they kill you, yeah. *keeps dabbing at Diego's wound*
Diego: Then why bother curing me?
Hotti: *sighs* The prince and the count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Diego: So it's to be torture then? *Hotti nods head* I can cope with torture *Hotti shakes head* Don't believe me?
Hotti: You survived the fire swamp, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine. *creepy grin*
[Scene: In the castle, Kristoph watches a melancholy Mia]
Kristoph: She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her. *sounds completely certain of this*
von Karma: Of course. *grinds his teeth together, frowning*
[Scene: Florin Market. Kristoph addresses the crowd from the balcony]
Phoenix: "The king died that very night, and before the following dawn, Mia and Kristoph were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen."
Kristoph: My father's final words were:-
Cody: Hold it, HOLD IT, Grandpa! Y-you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Kristoph, she married Diego. I'm just sure of it. After all that Diego did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair. *frowns, pouting*
Phoenix: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. *shakes his head lightly*
Cody: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get it right!
Phoenix: Do you want me to go on with this?
Phoenix: All right, then. No more interruptions. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen."
Kristoph: My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved her and there will be joy." I present to you your queen, Queen Mia!
[Mia appears, in her gown and crown. She looks around as everyone bows before her… all but one old hag.]
Ancient Booer Oldbag: Boo! Boo! Boo!
[The Booer moves to the front of the crowd]
Mia: Why do you do this?
Oldbag: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up.
Mia: But they would have killed Diego if I hadn't done it.
Oldbag: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True Love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the queen of refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the queen of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Mia: *gasps, waking up from her nightmare*
[Scene: Kristoph's Office]
Phoenix: "It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but Mia's nightmares were growing steadily worse."
Cody: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Kristoph?
Phoenix: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
Mia: *approaches Kristoph suddenly* If it comes to this. I love Diego. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Kristoph: *hesitates, thinking this over* ... I could never cause you grief. *pauses, as if composing himself* Consider our wedding off. *to von Karma* You, ah, returned this Diego to his ship?
von Karma: Yes.
Kristoph: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
Mia: My Diego will always come for me.
Kristoph: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The dread pirate Godot is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Diego wants you, bless you both. *steps closer to her* If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. *takes her cheek in his hand, gently* Are we agreed?
Mia: *nods head*
[Mia leaves. Segue to forest scene.]
von Karma: Your princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Kristoph: Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Luke to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Gilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war. *chuckles*
[Scene: Forested area. Large trees. von Karma is searching a tree trunk]
von Karma: Hmmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. Hah! Are you coming down into the Pit? Diego's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the Machine tonight. *grins maniacally*
Kristoph: Manfred, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped! *shakes his head, as if to say "it can't be helped"*
von Karma: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
von Karma: Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[von Karma moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Wesley writhes in pain.]
von Karma: *goes on* As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?
von Karma: Interesting.
[Scene: Kristoph's Office]
Meekins: Sire! *salutes*
Kristoph: *motions Meekins to join him* As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Meekins: M-My spy network has heard no such news, sire!
[Mia appears at the door]
Mia: Any word from Diego?
Kristoph: *looks her way, calm* Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Mia: He will come for me.
Kristoph: Of course.
Mia: *hesitates, then leaves*
Kristoph: *to Meekins* She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.
Meekins: M-Many of the thieves will resist, sire! My regular enforcers will be inadequate...
Kristoph: *face twitches* Form a brute squad, then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Meekins: It won't be easy, sire. *looks down at his feet*
Kristoph: Try ruling the world sometime.
[Scene: Thieve's Forest. Brute Squad moving in and about huts]
Phoenix: "The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Kristoph's orders."
Meekins: Is everybody out?
Assistant Brute: Almost. There's an American giving us some trouble.
Meekins: Well you give him some trouble! Get him out now! *trying not to freak out*
[Scene: Outside a hut. Miles is sitting, looking worse for wear and rather sleep-deprived]
Miles: I am waiting for you, Luke. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.
Assistant Brute: Ho there!
Miles: I will not budge. Keep your "Ho there".
Assistant Brute: But the prince gave orders.
Miles: *jumps up, swiping with his sword* So did Luke. When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying until Luke comes.
[Miles swipes at Assistant with sword]
Assistant Brute: You, brute, come here!
[Gumshoe comes over]
Miles: I am waiting for Luke. *falls against the hut*
Gumshoe: You surely are a meanie. Hello. *pulls Miles up to his feet*
Miles: *stares for a moment, still deadweight* It's you.
Gumshoe: Who? *backhands the Assistant into unconsciousness* You don't look so good, pal.
Gumshoe: You don't smell so good either.
Miles: Perhaps not. I feel fine.
Gumshoe: Yeah? *lets Miles go*
Miles: *nods, then falls on his face*
[Scene: Inside somewhere.]
Phoenix: "Gumshoe and Miles were reunited. And as Gumshoe nursed his sick friend back to health, he told Miles of Luke's death and the existence of Manfred von Karma, the six-fingered man. Considering Miles's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
Miles: *falls head first into a bowl of food*
Phoenix: "Gumshoe took great care in reviving Miles."
[Gumshoe dunks Miles's head into two buckets in turn]
Miles: That's enough! That's enough! *stands, dripping wet* Where is this von Karma now, so I may kill him?
Gumshoe: He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Miles: How many could you handle?
Gumshoe: *counts on fingers* I don't think more than ten.
Miles: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Luke to plan. His gift for strategy was much greater than mine.
Gumshoe: But Luke's dead.
Miles: No, not Luke. I need the man in black.
Miles: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Luke. And a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go.
Miles: To find the man in black, obviously.
Gumshoe: But we don't know where he is!
Miles: Don't bother me with trifles. After fifteen years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
[Scene: Kristoph's office. Meekins enters, and kneels at Kristoph's desk.]
Kristoph: Rise and report.
Meekins: The Thieves' Forest is emptied, sire! Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Kristoph: Double it. My princess must be safe.
Meekins: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
Kristoph: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. *smiles, and gently holds her by the shoulders* Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Mia: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.
Kristoph: *his smile falters*
Mia: *pause* Every ship but the four you sent.
Kristoph: *suddenly remembers* Yes! Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
Meekins: Ahem. Your majesty. *leaves*
Mia: *pauses* You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Diego will come for me anyway.
Kristoph: *smile has completely dropped off his face* You're a silly girl. *turns and walks back to his desk*
Mia: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Kristoph: *jerks his head up, his face twitching* I would not say such things if I were you.
Mia: Why not? You can't hurt me. Diego and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
Kristoph: *pounds his fist down on the desk, then dashes over and grabs her* I would not say such things if I were you! *drags her along with him, and locks her in a room*
[Scene: Pit of Despair. Kristoph enters]
Kristoph: You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. *leans over Diego, menacingly* So I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. *takes the control of The Machine, and puts it to the highest setting*
von Karma: Not to 50!
Diego: *assorted groans and wails*
[Scene: Village road.]
Miles: *hears Diego's wailing* Gumshoe! Gumshoe! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when von Karma slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now.
Gumshoe: The man in black?
Miles: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? *they start moving through a crowd* Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Gumshoe, please.
Gumshoe: *stands up straight and yells* Everybody MOVE!
[the crowd parts]
Miles: Thank you.
[Scene: Outside entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped the Albino, who is pushing a wheelbarrow]
Miles: Where is the man in black? You get that from this grove, yes? Gumshoe, jog his memory.
Gumshoe: *bonks Albino and leaves him out cold* I'm sorry, Miles. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Miles?
Miles: *Miles draws his sword* Father, I have failed you for fifteen years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword.
[Miles stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword hits a tree. Miles leans against the tree, pressing the hidden knot]
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
Gumshoe: He's dead.
Miles: Is just not fair. *shakes his head*
Cody: Grandpa, Grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Gumshoe mean "He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Diego's only faking, right?
Phoenix: You want me to read this or not?
Cody: Who gets Kristoph?
Phoenix: I don't understand.
Cody: Who kills Prince Kristoph? At the end. Somebody's got to do it. Is it Miles, who?
Phoenix: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Cody: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?
Phoenix: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.
Cody: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
Phoenix: Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh, yes. In the Pit of Despair.
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
Miles: Well, the Edgeworths have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Gumshoe. Bring the body.
Gumshoe: The body?
Miles: Have you any money?
Gumshoe: I have a little.
Miles: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
[Scene: Outside a Thatched hut]
[Miles knocks on the door. A face appears]
Victor Kudo: Go away. *Gumshoe knocks harder* What, what?
Miles: Are you the Victor Kudo who worked for the king all those years?
Victor Kudo: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. *Miles keeps knocking* Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!
Gumshoe: I'm on the brute squad, pal.
Victor Kudo: You are the brute squad.
Miles: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Victor Kudo: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Miles: He's already dead.
Victor Kudo: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. *pauses and lets them in; they enter. Diego is laid on the table, and Victor examines him* ... I've seen worse.
Victor Kudo: Huh?
Miles: We're in a terrible rush.
Victor Kudo: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Victor Kudo: Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Miles: This is noble sir. His wife is... crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation.
Victor Kudo: Are you a rotten liar!
Miles: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these fifteen years.
Victor Kudo: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
Miles: He's dead. He can't talk.
Victor Kudo: Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.
Miles: What's that?
Victor Kudo: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. *puts the bellows to Diego's mouth, and blows air in* Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
Diego: T-R-U-E L-O-V-E.
Miles: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Victor Kudo: Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world except for a nice MLT-mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. *makes puckering sound* They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said-he distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated-
[A withered lady storms into the room]
Bikini: Liar! Liar! Liar!
Victor Kudo: Get back, witch!
Bikini: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Victor Kudo: You never had it so good.
Bikini: True Love, he said "True Love", Victor.
Victor Kudo: Not another word, Bikini.
Bikini: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Kristoph fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Victor Kudo: Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Bikini: What, Kristoph?
Victor Kudo: Aaaigh!
Bikini: Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph!
Victor Kudo: I'm not listening.
Bikini: You're life's expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help.
Victor Kudo: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Bikini: Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph! Kristoph!
Miles: This is Mia's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Kristoph's wedding.
Victor Kudo: Enough! Wait, wait. I make him better, Kristoph suffers?
Miles: Humiliations galore. *smiles*
Victor Kudo: Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job.
[Scene of Bikini coating the pill with chocolate]
Miles: That a miracle pill?
Bikini: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least-
Victor Kudo: An hour-
Bikini: Yeah, an hour-
Victor Kudo: A good hour.
Miles: Thank you for everything. *goes out the door, Gumshoe in tow*
Victor Kudo: Okay~ *goes to the door and waves*
Bikini: Bye-bye, boys!
Victor Kudo: Have fun storming the castle!
Bikini: Think it'll work?
Victor Kudo: It would take a miracle.
Victor Kudo and Bikini: Bye-bye!
[Scene: Atop a battlement overlooking the gate.]
Gumshoe: Miles, there's more than thirty!
Miles: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Gumshoe: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Miles: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Gumshoe: How long do we have to wait, before if we know the miracle works?
Miles: Your guess is as good as mine.
Diego: *suddenly his eyes shoot open* I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together!
Gumshoe: I guess not very long.
Diego: Why won't my arms move?
Gumshoe: You've been mostly dead all day, pal.
Miles: We had Victor Kudo make a pill to bring you back.
Diego: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Mia?
Miles: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum it up. Mia is to marry Kristoph in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill von Karma.
Diego: ... That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
Gumshoe: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Diego: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Miles: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... sixty men.
Diego: And our assets?
Miles: Your brains, Gumshoe's strength, my steel.
Diego: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this... *shakes head*
Gumshoe: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Diego: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Miles: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Gumshoe: With the albino, I think.
Diego: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Miles: There we cannot help you.
Gumshoe: Would this do? *holds up a cloak*
Miles: Where did you get that?
Gumshoe: At Victor Kudo's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Diego: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. *Gumshoe hoists him onto his feet and holds him there* Now I'll need a sword eventually.
Miles: Why? You can't even lift one.
Diego: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? *his head falls backwards, and Gumshoe holds it back up* Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Miles: I'll say. Namely, how do I find von Karma? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Gumshoe: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day, pal.
Miles: Right... Right. Sorry.
Gumshoe: I hope we win.
[Scene: Mia's room]
Kristoph: You don't seem excited, my little muffet. *helping Mia put on a necklace*
Mia: Should I be?
Kristoph: Brides often are, I'm told.
Mia: I do not marry tonight. My Diego will save me.
Impressive Clergyman: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today, eh. Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream.
Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!
[scene: outside the castle gate]
Voice: Stand your ground!
Gumshoe: *dressed in the cloak, standing in the wheelbarrow as the others push* I am the dread pirate Godot! There will be no survivors!
Diego: N-No, not yet.
Gumshoe: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.
Diego: Light him! *they light Gumshoe's cloak on fire*
Gumshoe: The dread pirate Godot takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
Impressive Clergyman: And love, true love, will follow you ferever-
Gumshoe: The dread pirate Godot is here for your souls!
Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!
Impressive Clergyman: So treasure yer love, -
Kristoph: Skip to the end.
Clergyman: Have you the ring?
Mia: Here comes my Diego now.
Diego: Gumshoe, the portcullis!
Kristoph: *glares* Your Diego is dead. I killed him myself.
Mia: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
Diego: *confront s Meekins up against the gate* Give us the gate key.
Meekins: I-I have no gate key.
Miles: Gumshoe, tear his arms off.
Meekins: O-Oh, you mean this gate key! *hands it over*
Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Princess Mia,-
Kristoph: *snarls* Man and wife! Say man and wife!
Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife.
Kristoph: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Mia: He didn't come. *completely and utterly defeated*
[castle corridor. The three have encountered a group of men lead by von Karma.]
von Karma: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
Edgeworth: *dispatches them easily and with SWAG*
Von Karma: *stares in disbelief*
Miles: *stands up straight* Hello. My name is Miles Edgeworth. You killed my father. Prepare to die. *gets into a fighting stance*
von Karma: *runs away behind a locked door*
Miles: *reaches the door and attempts to break the door down* Gumshoe! I need you!
Gumshoe: I can't leave him alone, pal!
Miles: He's getting away from me, Gumshoe! Please! *rams the door* Arr! Gumshoe! Aaargh!
Gumshoe: *wraps Diego's arms around a suit of armor and leaves him* I'll be right back.
Miles: Arr! Arrgh! *Gumshoe breaks door down* Thank you. *runs through the door after von Karma*
Gumshoe: *goes back to get Diego, but the man has disappeared*
[a different corridor]
King Yogi: *walking Mia to her suite* Strange wedding.
Queen Polly: Squawk!
Yogi: *Mia kisses him* What was that for?
Mia: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
Yogi: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! laughs
[cellar dining room. Miles runs in from the stairway, not looking ahead of him]
Von Karma: *throws a knife as soon as Miles enters*
Miles: *stops in his tracks as the knife plunges into his gut, and he falls against the wall*
Von Karma: *grins maniacally*
Miles: I'm sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
von Karma: You must be that little American brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.
Mia: *takes a dagger from the desk, unsheathes it, and points it towards her heart, ready to end it all*
Diego: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. *lying in the bed* 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.
Mia: Diego! Oh, Diego darling! *runs over and jumps on top of him, kissing him* Diego, why won't you hold me?
Mia: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"? *pulls his head up and kisses him again*
Diego: Gently! *thumps head against the headboard* Urr!
Miles: *yanks the dagger from his gut and drops it; holds his wound with one hand while he struggles to stand*
von Karma: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.
Miles: *struggles* Hello. My name is Miles Edgeworth. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Von Karma: *attacks him repeatedly*
Miles: *flicks the blows away* Hello. My name is Miles Edgeworth. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Von Karma: *attacks with more vigor* RAWRAAAHHH!
Miles: *blocks easily, then attacks; speaks with excitement* Hello. My name is Miles Edgeworth. You killed my father. Prepare to die!
von Karma: Stop saying that! *struggling to block*
Miles: *yelling now* Hello! My name is Miles Edgeworth! You killed my father. Prepare to die! *flings von Karma's sword from his hand, and cuts von Karma's cheek in the process*
von Karma: No!
Miles: Offer me money!
von Karma: Yes!
Miles: Power, too. Promise me that! *cuts von Karma's other cheek*
von Karma: All that I have and more! Please!
Miles: Offer me everything I ask for!
von Karma: Anything you want.
Miles: *in a menacing voice* I want my father back, you son of a bitch. *kills him*
Mia: Oh, Diego, will you ever forgive me?
Diego: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Mia: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Diego: Never happened.
Diego: Never happened.
Mia: But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and wife".
Diego: Did you say "I do"?
Mia: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Diego: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?
Kristoph: *standing in the doorway* A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. *draws his sword* To the death.
Diego: No! To the pain.
Kristoph: *thinks for a moment* ... I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Diego: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Kristoph: *squints, curious* That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Diego: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
Kristoph: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Diego: I wasn't finished! The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.
Kristoph: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it. *face twitches with vexation*
Diego: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Kristoph: *stunned* I think you're bluffing.
Diego: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. *he stands up* Drop. Your. Sword.
Kristoph: ... *drops it in fear*
Diego: Have a seat.
Kristoph: *takes a seat in a chair*
Diego: *to Mia* Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
Mia: *ties him up, pulling hard*
Miles: *runs into the room* Where's Gumshoe?
Diego: I thought he was with you.
Diego: In that case, whooooa! *falls over*
Miles: Help him.
Mia: Why does Diego need helping? *runs over and grabs Diego*
Miles: Because he has no strength.
Kristoph: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was- *stares into the point of Miles' sword* -bluffing.
Miles: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Diego: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Gumshoe: Miles! Miles! Where are you, pal? *calling from outside*
[The three run towards a window]
Gumshoe: Oh, there you are. Miles, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady! *waves to Mia* So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Miles: *smiles proudly* Gumshoe, you did something right.
Gumshoe: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. *grins*
Mia: *smiles, and jumps out the window into Gumshoe's arms*
Miles: You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Diego: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful dread pirate Godot. *jumps out the window*
Miles: *shrugs, then jumps*
Phoenix: "They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Diego and Mia knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other-"
Cody: What? What?
Phoenix: Nah, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that. *waves him off*
Cody: W-Well, I don't mind so much.
Phoenix: Okay, then. *smiles* "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.
[pause as Mia and Diego kiss]
Phoenix: "The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Cody: Okay. *disappointed*
Phoenix: All right. *gathers his things, and waves* So long.
Cody: Grandpa? *pause* Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Phoenix: *smiles* As you wish.