THE IDDOSY by Tadhg.K

Domitian woke up, then it hit him "Today's the day,I can finally join the army" he yelled punching the he remembered he had to check whitch leigon was hiring men.

Just as it happens the leigon recruting was that of Tactitus Herrenius Superbus collume had been involved in a skirmish and had lost 30 recruits 11 veterans and an centurion.

"Only that amount!" He exclaimed stunned at the armys lack of casualties . He joined.

Meanwhile back at his house his two cousins were fretting.

Octaivia and Avita were kind girls and naturaly were worried adout their cousins new life in the army. "You know Domitian he can't do anything with out us, not even changing his bed!", "Octaivia you know thats not true and besides the reason he joined up was that he wanted a life out side the house! You wouldn't want to ruin it for him would you?" Octaivia stood up and said hottly

"He could get killed!", "We could be killed!", "Com'on Avita all we have to do is pose as men get in to the army,it will be a like baking a honeycake", "Okay but after that no more hair brained plans after that,swear it,". "Fine, I agree to your terms." As Octaivia left the room Avita silently cursed herself for what she had gotten herself into.

Little did they no that the leigon Domitian had joined had all ready pulled out of town.

"He probably joined that Seneca Varus guy",annonced Octaivia standing out side the recruiting center "We'll join him".They joined.

North Macedonia

A sword slashed downwards hitting a hoplon shield,denting it slightly and jarring the arm of the swords man. As the fighting raged the swords master yelled "Velites, Fire!".Just as he said the words the javlins from the reserve force of pillii throwers thuded into the phlanax's of the Greek genral Timothy, decimating the center and back Romans were winning,until the Greeks played the Spartan battallions rushed down the hill screaming blood and fury;The Spartans were in their element hacking and spearing with leader was called Phillipos and he claimed to be of the linege of Leonidas .The swords man struggling to calm his horse cried "Testudo formation,on the double."But to his dismay the Spartan spears would find chinks in the shell and were currently destroying the inside of the tortise formation. "Romans ;Retreat", The Greeks gave the army a clear run, away from the battle. But just as the swords man was crossing the boundrie another genral stopped infront of him, blocking him.

"Phillipos , I swear if you dont get out of my way this gladius is going through your head," "You can save that for the mourge phyican,by the time I'm done with you Seneca Augustus Varus," retorted the Spartan king. "Anyway you heard your genral, Phil so clear off," " I am king of Sparta, none rule me!", Roared the the mounted hoplite readying his spatha. "Oh I get it ,you and your country were so desprate you became mercinarys to that petty Athinan, Timothy ,cos the only thing you can do is fight!And you even do that badly,I'm sure you remember the battle of Thermopley."Phillipos was restraining him self in the first place but the mention of his ancestors humiliating deafeat egnited his charged,his horse snorting wildly. But this was what Seneca was wating for;as Phillipos rushed forward the Roman genral grabed his cavalery spear and threw Greek's horse fell to one side a crule barbed lance through it's Spartan on the ground pulled himself up and shouted to the swordsman who was riding away "You will die by my intentions!", then turned to the messenger beside him "Get me a new horse,the vet and my death squad".

2 Months later .

Tericilus, Scathach and Jeprhe's warband were down on their luck big time. They were kerns (mercinarys) that had no money and then turned to banditry. The three joint leaders were discussing tactics when an excited messenger burst in "There is a singel century and a legate heading this way , they will be here in thirty minuts. The warband leaders all said in unison "Prepear the ambush".

At the other end of the pine forest Domitian's century was on a force march through rough wood land terraine to prove to his legate (genral Tacitius) that as the latest centurion, he could keep his troops under control in tough conditions . A thick fog had set in blanketing the spaces between the trees with cotton white vapour. A hissing object passed his ear embedding itself in the sheid of the soilder beside him.A sudden volly of arrows took the legionares unawares killing one of his optios. "Testudo formation,locked position, legate in the middle, pillii bristels on the double,go go!", no sooner as the orders were completed the warband struck.

The Amazons were not normal tame house Jeta having raised an army of her finest women conqured the neighbouring Scthyians easly. They were on a roll, makingy for the Macedonian border savaging and burning everything behind entire army on horseback and armed with bows ,they were a fast leathal scout,Cara reported she heard the sound of roman armour ahead around 100 men she estimated maybe more but still no match for an mobilized at once.

Back in the forest the warbands charged past the roman infantry up the ridge straight into the ranks of Amazons killing several befor they could react.

Domitian was the first to recover shouting out his orders "Dismantel formation,fire pillii ,spread out then charge mounted enimies." The leigonarys threw their javlins, most hitting their targets, killing them rode up to Tericilus, "Tell your troops to pincer them,I'll tell mine to get behind them and push them into your spears that should rout them sufficiently set your archers behind my men so you can pick off any fleers,that sound good to you?" "Sure, but not attacks on my arrow warband or I swear by Thor that I'll bind you to a tree with your own guts." "No need for that,what about I hire you?We can agree a price later." "Deal!"The warband circeled the Amazons crushing them so tight dead bodies couldn't was being pushed backwards by a legionare called was at the thinest point in the latins Amaritis saw her chance when her stallion kicked Janus's sheild,Janus stumbled ,as quick as lightning Amaratis drew her dagger and threw it taking him through his Janus, the world went black. Then nothining

Alippa had her had to advirtise herself as an maid for the army ,work her way up and then assasinate the legate of the right now she was stuck serving wine to drunk soilders. Soilders in the mess. "Some great army" she thought,pouring posca(Sour wine)to an optio. She saw a table with two sober looking leigonarys and made her way she sat down she asked them "Would either of you like a drink?"They both politly refused ,telling her to sit of them was called Avitus the other liked Avitus who had a down to earth attitude. Octavius was anything but,like his famous name sake was an ambitious liked their company.

Rianorix hated Amazons even before they killed his brother, poked out one of his eyes and crippled most of his best fighters. And he could not wait to get to get his sword to the throats of those upstarts Jeprhe,Scathach and he wished to crucify them and brand them until the skin peeled 's war band was not what you'd call army had been employed by The Amazons and then not really dumped more like turned on by the Amazons who massacered them when they were now he was tracking them torwards of the Pax he provoked open agression he and his men would be put on a bounty list and any one even enemies of Rome with military force could hunt him at it worth it to attack Amazons and then get crucified for nothing ? Then he reambered ,Macedonia was in a state of revolution!He could stroll right in and massacer his foes and then walk straight back out .It was perfect he thought and he made a prayer to Lugh the god of good fortune.

Menalus and his phlanax of men were on doudle march south to Thessilcaidonia and later the city of 181 men in his phlanax were scouting ahead in

a south-westerly direction. He rCurrently they were in the cynosophily mountain range where Phillip of Macedonia had defeated the roman forces of the now was fed up with Timothy's paranoidness . No army in their right mind camps here in the middle of Seneca Varus intire

Prima-cohors pored down the ridge throwing their pillii and succsessfully had taken the hoplites 's men locked formation and advanced; as the men of the leigon chareged screaming bloody murder. As the sides colided the Greeks thrust their spears forwards. The forward momemt of the Romans carried them onto the spears, killing the front lines immedeatly and giving the Greeks a chance for a that chance they seized.

Janus woke in the surgury tent with the physician Termina and her apprentice the former slave, was just saying "He's really lucky that it was only a skull wound not a brain extracted the dagger and it only had entered the outer layer of of the bone."she continued to Janus who was by now fully concious "I mean this in the nicest way I can, but you have a really thick skull." He tried to retort but for some reason he couldn't speak.

Then genral Tactitus came in "I have news for you" he jestured to Janus "may not want to appears that according to the mercinary captain Jeprhe that you will not be able to speak, also you will become a little...round the bend when in is to say unkillable and crazy. Some people say its to do with demons entering the victim through the wound especally if the wound is situated around the head .The phiysicians say its to do with that mass of mucle in your head. You can choose which side to belive but it it won't make a differance."

Janus couldn't belive it!He didn't feel like he had a demon inside him but he refused to belive the physicans because a wound to the skull couldn't do that much damage to his knew what the general was right when he said it wouldn't make a differance to his condition.

Scathach needed some roman camp might have been efficent but they were cramped now that the socalled barbarians had moved in. She wondered into a local town where she stood out amongst the other girls who sat around a fountain gossiping about some gladiator, dressed in neat little thought "Seriously get a 't they see that the enemy fronteir is just a few leagues away?".Just then a roman girl about twenty years old (one year older than her),yelled at her. "Nice barabarian costume sucker,and take that ugly mask!Oh sorry thats your face!

I !"

Scathach had let loose a string of curses so powerful that one of the posse fell backwards into the insulter oviously the leader of the troop burst into tears and ran of screaming "I'll tell my Pater and Mater about you!" Scathach watched for a few seconds and then wheeled round looking for the

nearest palastra.

"You're a girl!This isn't Sparta and I frankly don't care if you need to I clear?," said the guard to the palastra; "You were never clearer now step aside already!"retorted Scathach angrily trying to elbow her way throught to the palastra only to be pushed back wards again!She steadied herself and drew her falx a long curvy sword that, if handeled properly could sever a door in one gaurd who was an ex-optio remembered the object from weapons training. "Thats a bloody falx!Are you insane? That thing could sever a door in one strike!"he yelled and reluctantly drew his own weapon a small gladius, about the size of a pea compared to the falx,that Scathach was holding.

Scathach feinghed a blow to his head and then while his arms were up she slit his wrist tendons rendering him defenceless.

"Oopsies looks like the guardy-wardicans got in twouble with the liccle girly-worly",she crooned. "Get a life while your at it"she said, kicking him in the shin and then stalking into the the girls watching in the bushes gasped as she called without even seeing them "You can come out now".

Cara stood trembaling out side the tent of Queen Jeta,wondering if she would make it out alive. "Come in now!" a voice thundered from what could be described as a tent of doom for any one who makes Jeta Amazon leader had a partcular habit of making people spontainiously dissapear without a ,trying to look confident stepped into the grisly tent.

The inside was covered with human skin which was salted and dryed to make a type of only rode to battle on a black horse and had a cloak made of hair from deafeted was fingering her dagger in a menacing fasion. "Did you ,or did not hear just a hundered roman soilders advancing through the woods

a few minutes before the ,what probably was the greatest Amazon massacer after Hercules attacked Hippotyla to win the golden belt!". "I'm sorry,but its hard to hear barbarian infantry even if they're infront of Majesty who.." "Enough flattery;you cost the lives of dozens of Amazons and you must pray the price."

Cara had already been in a cold sweat but the mention of a price, she seemed to turn into one of those statue things the romans were so fond of. "The person who shall decide your punishment will be the hero of the massacer",she said giving Cara a hard stare "Amaritis who without her brave actions would have got us all killed for she was facing the narrowest point and could have escaped by herself,but no she decided to be loyal to her nation and saved the day by heroicly battering her way through their back line. "It dosn't count if you kill them while they're looking forward and you're coming from is no glory is there not.?The next step up from coming up behind people is stabbing them in the back",she said rather pointedly to the queen saw how the disscussion was going and quickly changed the subject to the punishment. "So Amaritis what is to be Cara's comeupance?Exicution,semi-strangulation,death by boiling oil?You must make this wretch sorry for her failing to protect the lives of her comrades in combat." "Hmmm thats a tough one.", but Cara knew she was just delaying to keep her in suspense. "I here solemly anounce that Cara of the Queens scout regiment is here by to be half strangled to death using the hair of her former comrade Arata and then having all the heads of her fallen comrades tied to her neck permenantly." The 200 or so Amazons who were listening out side started clapping were cries of, "lets have a party", and " the traitor is disgraced", and less polite versions of the two.

Menalus advansed with his men in phlanax formation cutting a swathe in the roman air was silent apart from the grunts of wounded and dying saw his chance and yelled from the top of his lungs "We come as a peace us to your leader and we may spare your forces", those lines he directed at the centurion he assumed was in charge. "We do not take kindly to tresspassers or diplomats and I'll bring you to our leader just to prove it." replied the centurion in a supprisingly feminin voice.

Menalus gasped inwardly as he walked through the roman camp and almost wondered out loud why his side was winning .The only times he had ever seen a roman campus was when he was burning it down in the middle of the night and that looked nothing like the disiplined sanitary barracks that lay before him . The legionary beside him smirked and said "Impressed huh,bet you couldn't destroy that peice of the wall as fast as I made it",Menalus, shifting all of his weight into his shoulders ran at the wall and crushed through it in one run . He turned back to the soilder and grinned "You wanna bet?" . The legionary didn't they advanced through the via preatoria the troops had kept phlanax formation and almost skewered the man who emrged from the HQ tent . "Whoa, don't kill me and disarm them the master won't let you in if you are armoured." there was no doubt that this man was a greek turncoat who had ended up as a slave instead of a mercinary .Menalus's men must have realised too because they started muttering and glancing at him and as they passed they started cursing him out loud unashamedly. The greek slave was trying to shrug them off but you could clearly see that some were getting under his skin and he quickly reatreated into the room as the soilders began to spit at him and shoulder him as they went into the tent and was amased at the portable luxury that was in side the seemingly small space .There was a runninging atrium and tricilinium with slaves busying themselfs . "General Varus I persume?",.The man he adressed looked up and said "So greacecus what do you want?". "You and your army" he said planting down all the money he and his army could muster on the march up to the camp and that was a considerable roman generals eyes grew wide and asked "Is there more?" "At camp", agreed Menalus with a hint of grim satisfaction in his voice.

Amaratis was enjoying her new found power and was seen strutting around the perimiters showing her barbaric sign of office, a coat made of fallen enemys skin to make a blood stained kind of leather . She was on her breif routine scan to see where the wretch Cara who was distinguishable from a crowed because no one would be caught dead next to resembeled a walking mountain of decapitated heads that was slowly decomposing and as part of any amazonian punishment ,was not allowed to clense herself until her punisment was over and in this case that was came up behind her and shoved her with the but of her sword, making the the mountain a celt would have been proud of fall and hit the ground with a kick the heap until it started to rise with a sobbing sound from only other Amazon to witness this was an officer called Vallhalla, who ran up behind Amaritis and pushed her to the ground purely because she thought Amaritis got her well deserved promotion and wanted her her mistreating a soilder (even Cara ), gave her an excuse to take out her tides had been reversed and Cara took out her sword and tried to slash at Amaratis but missed horribly because its not easy to aim if your enemy is rolling away from you and you have 1000 heads weighing you took a go with her axe but was just parried by Amaritis's comotion was now drawing attention and Amaratis was regaining the upper a stomach bow bolt shredded through her legs.

Rianorix saw the Amazon camp through the diamond scope he hung around his bolt had hit the officer although not as leathaly as he had Amazons were taking sides now trying to find the person who had tried to kill Amaratis. Single combat was breaking out all over the he saw Queen Jeta riding out on that horrible black mare of her's. He gave his longbow men the signal.

Tactius was in his tent pondering over the map of Greece and the rations report . He looked up as Domitian entered the tent. "There you are centurion.", he said gesturing for him to sit. "I was expecting you ten minutes earlier!Why the delay?". "A decuria honor dissagreement sir". "Very do not delay next to work I've considered your position after the skirmish and was delighted to see how you handled the fight .There is a post open for prefect and I would delight in handing you the position but you must under take a task that most would turn down." "Scathach sir?".Tacitus looked up sharply. "How do you know!". "I saw you looking over that part of the camp in a worried fasion sir.I'm guessing its her recruiting of local plebian girls?". "No its just we have civil unrest in the warband and the least backed person is Scathach so to settle the fude we need to give her the full job." "But sir can't you afford a sicariius to pull of a stunt like that?", exclaimed Domitian who was wondering how he could even think of pulling of that with out a few dosen knives in his the prefectus castorem burst in gasping. "I've got news of half the barabarian colume was annihilited and Jhepre and Scathach are dead.

Scathach walked into the palastra with her possy of girls trying to look tough in front of the centurion Domitian left and all hades broke acussed her of disrepecting native she asked when since was he a roman soilders had to defend him because of "roman honor".Fistfights started breaking out and the town watch and on duty protection malitite got involved .Tericilius calmed down the agressors and told them they had to find out a peacful town watch decurion suggested an obstacle course and loser has to forfit the agreed and he told them about a dissused lead mine.

Juva was a assasin.A a member of the death squad sent out by Phillipos of instuctions were silently through the greek campus and break in to the house of the newly allied genral Seneca was not allowed to kill but that made little he had to do was wound him with a roman pugio(dagger) to convince him the senate was out for his the more reason to aid grecce. As he approced the princepia(headquaters) of the romans, his sandle clattered against a rock .He cursed himself under his breath and pinned himself against the great care he withdrew a cow bell and clattered sentrie moaned about slaves having to pay dearly for letting livestock punched him in the windpipe so he couldn't scream and the smashed his knee into the victims face until he was unconcious,leaving him with a badly disfigured face and Juva with a sore and bloody door was a no go option since it was heavily bolted and would ruin all chances of was a small window to the side possibly to the storage room but it was his best slid through the opening with could tell there was two guards jugding from the talk and shuffling of feet;he leaned closer to hear what they were saying. "Octavia this is all your fault!We're stuck in rainy Macedonia fighting an army of greeks and he's probably living it up in might even have to fight him if he's with a local garrison!". "Avita you're such a are 12 centuries here he's bound to be in one of them."Juva gasped before he could stifle were two girls in this legion!The door was being unlocked so he had to dive into a pile sandy hair let him blend two cleverly disguised girls came in with oil arcanic blade caught the slowed down with the scream echoing around the threw her oil lamp at the cornstack,the one called Avita by the sound of her blade struck the other girl.A new scream rent the air as the struck girl stumbled out into the hall into the path of a young roman were licking the face of the assasin who had thrown his blazing cloak over the pine resin next to cut through his javlin arm grazing the howled in pain and his good arm shot out and shattered the legionares lorica segmentata.The pine resin exploded and flaming goo shot every where, swaming the rations and food in the granery. Juva picked up a bottle of fermenting posca and threw it, his injured limb was hanging the posca neared its target the girl threw up sheild and the wine was redirected through the shattered a aginst the wall next to it blue flames meanwhile was advacing her enemy burning and defencles. He did not react as she she noticed the twisted smile on his face. He pointed behind her .She insinctivly turned around only to see her sister ran over to try and quench the matron in the hall ran away shouting about a flaming deamon looked at the dagger in her sisters wasn't burning at the hilt or heating flames only filled in the engraving. Oylempiea ordinem romanum sicarium .The Olyimpic order of roman arcani for spun round to look into the blazing inferno of the store room and she saw the words scratched into the walls. "I know your secret"before shock kicked fainted dead away.

Obe was looking over the roman camp through a plate of warped glass, letting her look over lage saw a ball of fire rise over the via principia engulfing the side it came from causing yet untold smiled, Juva had done his job. "Ludum super ,roma,ludum super."

Eglabus survayed the amazon camp was littered with tent that was made of leather was the only unharmed building on sprouted from the ground as if they had grown there for all and his troop of scouts gave the light of the torch reflected on their sheilds.A giant greek helmet face covered the moon with the reflection of the rest of the army swarmed into the valley silently, not making a surrounded the a nod from Dara the sound of a hundred carynxs filled the fog in the woods was being drawn towards them as if the strange eiree hunting tune was attracting a strange creature started emerging from the it came closer a rancid stench wafted through the air making the carynx players emerging figure stumbled out of the mist.A mountin of female heads shuffled man beside Eglabus started quaking in his armour, muttering something about banshees and them taking earthly was smiling stepped out of line his two handed sword cutting swaths through the the only auger in the army he knew a fake deamon or sidh when he saw the monstrosity could move the head heads were cut of by the hair and they fell away to reveil a crude and ugly face that was unkept and riddled with insects and charged and her sheild smashed straight into Eglabus's jaw knocking him to the started to hack down with an axe but he rolled away just as the blade hit where his elbow had smiling queerly he slashed upward with his two hander expecting for