Boilerplate Disclaimer: The characters from Kim Possible are all owned by Disney. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Out of the Frying Pan
I wasn't sure what to expect as Cat and I hit the door into the synagogue's kitchen. Okay, I was told it was going to be time lemurs – but I was a little unclear on what a lemur was. I mean, it's not a word you use everyday, right? You don't see a flock of lemurs on your way to school in Middleton. You don't wear one when the weather gets cold. You don't find them in the produce aisle at the grocery store… Okay, maybe if I+ was right you might find them in the produce aisle scarffing down food, but off the top of my head I didn't exactly remember what a lemur was until Cat and I made our grand entrance.
"Oh, look," Cat squealed, "aren't they cute?"
I told myself I really remembered what lemurs looked like – it had just slipped my mind for a minute. They looked kind of like the ring-tails at the Middleton zoo, except a little bigger and some reddish coloring.
"They aren't cute, " I snarled, "they're making a mess."
"You can be cute and make a mess," Cat reminded me primly.
It was hard to tell how many there actually were, eight or nine would have been my guess. But it wasn't exactly like they would sit still and let me take an accurate census. There was a big mixing bowl of guacamole beside a stack of small serving bowls. The lemurs were gathered around the big bowl grabbing handfuls of the stuff and shoveling it into their mouths. Gross! I was thinking it was as bad as Kasy and… And then I realized even Kasy has way more self control than that.
"What do we do?" Cat demanded.
Here was my chance to show her I was in charge of this fight, but I didn't have a clue. I decided to find out just what I was up against and took three steps towards the lemurs. They didn't like that. The ones sitting with their backs toward me scrambled around to the other side of the bowl. Two of the primates threw handfuls of guacamole at me. One missed completely – I imagine it's pretty hard to throw something that sticks to your hands like that – and the other one managed to hit my dress. That made me mad, "You damn, dirty apes!" I shouted at them. I don't really remember where that line comes from. And I wasn't sure if they were apes or not. But somehow it seemed appropriate.
I grabbed one by the scruff of the neck. It's always a good idea to stay away from teeth when dealing with animals you don't know… May even be a good idea to stay away from the teeth of animals you know. He didn't seem to like it and scratched me. I know for a fact I didn't like that and I gave him a toss.
And before any of you PETA people get on me I didn't throw him hard. I just gave him a little toss in the direction of the exit door hoping he could take a hint. I mean, they got in here some way didn't they?
"Jane!" Cat protested at my toss.
Before she could finish her objection I learned the lemurs have got the spatial displacement thing down real well. I was a little vague about compass directions inside the synagogue. Let's say the exit door was north. I tossed him north. After about a meter in the air he disappeared. The shock of him disappearing hadn't worn off when he hit him from the south. I'd tossed him north, he'd done a spatial jump two meters south and I'd just thrown him against myself because he reappeared moving in the same direction with the same amount of momentum as when I tossed him.
That was what I figured out in retrospect. At the moment when the lemur hit me I just figured I'd been bushwhacked by one I hadn't seen. I took the fact one had vanished when I tossed him as a good sign and ignored the one on my back to grab two more and toss them towards the door. As they vanished from sight two more hit me from behind. That was when I figured out I needed a new strategy.
"When you toss them one way they come at you from the other," Cat told me.
"I just figured that out," I snarled, trying to get three monkeys off my back.
"You shouldn't do that," she scolded.
"Thank you Ms- OWW!" I retorted.
"You might hurt them. And they're so cute." Cat showed an utter lack of self-preservation skills and actually tickled one under its chin. I briefly paused in fighting the one pulling my hair in hopes of watching Cat get her finger bitten, but the little guy just seemed to appreciate the attention. "Aren't Ooo jus' the cuutest thing," she cooed babytalk to the lemur.
Another lemur pushed the one Cat was tickling to the side and begged for attention, "Don't be so mean," she scolded, but then relented and petted the furry pest.
I had a fourth lemur join those who fighting me. My best guess is that he was trying to suffocate me by shoving guacamole up my nose, but that was just a guess. I've never been very good at guessing what is going on in the male mind – assuming anything is going on in the male mind. I was hearing sounds of struggles from Cat's direction but it seemed like the lemurs were fighting each other for her attention rather than fighting with her. One of the four on me even lept over to join the struggle in front of Cat.
Guys fighting each other for Cat's attention. That was behavior I recognized… Were these lemurs all guys? I wasn't exactly sure how to tell, and didn't have leisure time for an examination of the evidence since someone apparently wanted to tear off my nose.
"Oh!" Cat exclaimed.
"What happened," I managed to ask. She's still my cousin and I didn't want her to get hurt.
"I was scratching one behind both its little ears and it disappeared."
"It'll jump you from behind," I predicted and went back to my own battles.
"I'm going to try it again."
"We need to figure out how to get rid of these things," I warned her.
I was already trying to figure out a cover story if help arrived while we were fighting lemurs when Cat exclaimed, "I did it again with another one! You need to try it."
"You did what? I need to try what?"
"Scratch them behind both ears at once! There're two little bumps and-"
Cat can sometimes miss the obvious. "I'm trying to defend my own ears right now."
"I'm trying this again."
Another of the lemurs on me jumped over to the pack? herd? flock? the bunch begging for the attention of my pretty cousin. With only two attacking me I had time to watch Cat's technique. The little fellow who was blessed with her attention sat, gazing at Cat with a look of adoration as she called it a pretty baby and scratched it behind both ears at once. It made a little chirping sound that might have been worship if I understood lemur and then, like Cat said, it vanished.
After about three more minutes the only lemur who hadn't experienced Cat's transcendental touch was pulling my hair. "Bad baby," she scolded and it jumped to the counter in front of her for its own experience. "Do you think dad would let me keep it?" she asked me.
"Get rid of it," I whispered. "I think I hear someone coming."
Cat sighed and did her ear trick on the lemur.
"We're jumping," I told her looking at the Chrono. Maybe I should have listened to me when I tried to give me directions. I figured I shouldn't try temporal with Dr. Renton in the sanctuary. I'd jump us back to the hotel and worry about time later.
"You said something about setting mass," Cat reminded me.
I didn't have time to figure it closely. I put location bounce at two hours, ignored time bounce, pushed the unfamiliar control to max, threw my arms around Cat, and held her tight as I hit jump.
Thankfully the maid was not cleaning the hotel room when we arrived. A chunk of stainless steel counter top, cabinet front, the edges of two dozen ceramic bowls and a section of electrical cord hit the carpet beside us.
"What happened," she asked, looking at the debris.
"You were standing too close to the counter."
"You could have told me."
"How was I supposed to know?"
"You should've listened to you when you were giving directions."
"Ha! I lie to myself all the time."
The conversation was going nowhere, but Cat can be practical, "Take a shower," she suggested and began gathering the pieces of the kitchen we'd brought with us by accident.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to hide these behind the ice machine on the floor above us."
I smiled and nodded. I could appreciate low cunning.
"Now hurry up, we've got to get back to the synagogue."
"We've got time, remember? We'll head back about an hour ago – visit that shoe store I recommended – then arrive at the synagogue in time that we couldn't be fighting lemurs in the kitchen."
"Awesome," Cat commented, and headed out.
She helped with my makeup - there were several scratches to cover. I got the settings figured out a little better on the Chrono and we arrived at Trendiqué without problem. I was right, there was a pair of boots to die for, but Cat reminded me we had to get to the synagogue.
I made sure we entered the sanctuary from the opposite side as the kitchen. Some woman was handing Bonnie a gavel and calling her the new head of Sisterhood when the caterers burst in shouting wild animals were in the kitchen. Cat giggled, "They weren't wild." I bumped her with my shoulder and whispered a warning that we weren't supposed to know anything.
Eemah came down from the bema and over to me while the Will organized his expedition to the kitchen. "Where have you been?" she demanded.
"I told you, I went to the bathroom."
"I was in the bathroom too," Cat told her. "We got talking and then Jane showed me around the synagogue."
Eemah looked at me suspiciously, "And that's why you came in a different door than you went out?"
"Exactly," I answered, breathing a sigh of relief that Cat had my back.
"Care to explain why you're wearing a different dress?"
"You must be imagining things," Cat told her. "We didn't have that much time."
"Yeah," I agreed. "You're probably remembering a dress I tried on in the hotel this morning."
"Maybe," the parental unit agreed reluctantly, "but you shouldn't have been gone so long."
Cat linked her arm with mine, "Sorry. But you know how it is when best friends get talking."
Cat is not my best friend. Okay, she used to be my best friend. And then she was the first girl in my class to get boobs. Boobs and the attention of all the guys. She says she didn't like guys staring at her all the time, but those of us who didn't get visited by the boob fairy until much later don't believe her. Still, I wasn't about to argue. "Yeah," I seconded, "you don't know where the time goes when you're talking with your best friend."
"You've got lunch to talk, and the party tonight," Eemah reminded me and headed back to the bema for the musaf service.
As Eemah walked away Cat whispered, "You and Junior have to take me on an adventure with you."
"We don't go on 'adventures'. We have missions."
"Okay, I'll go on a mission with you."
"No you won't."
"You just said I could. You said we'll have missions."
"Junior and I have missions. Junior and I… or me… Which is it?"
"I. And you need me for time lemurs. You told yourself you still didn't know how to handle them. I do."
"You were lucky. And it's not all furry little pests."
"I'm good for whatever. It sounds like an adven— mission will be fun."
"They're not fun. They're work."
"Then I'll help. Please?"
Cat gave me that little trembling look that mom sometimes gives Eemah. Eemah calls it the puppy-dog pout and usually caves in. I'm a time cop. I'm made of sterner stuff. I do not cave in. But, I mean, she is my cousin, right? And she was asking please, right? And she could have tried blackmailing me or threatening to tell my moms, right? And besides, I'm a nice person and it seemed fair after she helped me. So don't think I caved for one second when Cat gave me the trembling lips and the moist eyes and the pleading voice. I'm granite. I'm just going to let her see the hard truth. "Fine. You can come on a mission."
"Lots of missions?"
"If I like it?"
Cat let out a very reserved little squeal of joy – we were in a synagogue after all – and gave me a big hug. "We'll have so much fun!"
There are times I wonder if there might be some kind of insanity connected with the Possible gene. There was no question in my mind that moment. I know we're all crazy.
The parties that evening were as successful as reasonably possible. Those in college felt out-of-place at the party for Becky's age group - but equally out-of-place in the adult party with their parents. Two of Ron's co-workers and a clerk from Shego's office embarrassed themselves by getting drunk (videos available) and several children were embarrassed and/or emotionally scarred for life when their parents visited the younger party and danced together before returning to the adult party.
Party favors for Bonnie and Becky were t-shirts in blue or pink with "Rockwaller – Stoppable Bat Mitzvahs" on the front and an ad for the latest movie Bonnie had directed on the back. Shego's friends received green and black hoodies emblazoned with "I went to California for a bat mitzvah and all I got was a lousy hoodie."
Ron, Bonnie, Kim, and Shego had a few minutes together before social responsibilities forced them to mingle with guests. "So, Bonnie," Shego asked, "Tax write-off for the advertising on your t-shirts?"
"Some," she admitted. "I can deduct them as a business expense."
The green woman turned to Kim, "Okay, why no ad for Armstrong, Bennet, Dashwood, and Zinski on mine?"
"I'm not Jewish, remember? How am I supposed to know that?"