A/N: Okay, so this got taken down because it was in chat-room format. I decided to rewrite it with dialogue so you could still read it. Sorry—my mistake! :)
Love you all madly, EPC
It was a normal Sunday evening at the Burrow, and the whole family was over for another of Grandmum Molly's "mandatory get-togethers". As Lily settled herself on the stripped bed in what used to be her mum's room, she silently thanked Merlin that her idiotic brothers were off playing some mindless game and not bothering her.
The door to the room opened, and Dominique walked in—one of the people Lily could actually stand to be around at the moment. She loved being with her feisty older cousin.
Dominique grinned. "Hey, Lils."
"Hey, Dom. What's going on down there?"
Dominique rolled her eyes. "It's tell-embarrassing-family-stories time. You'll never guess which one my dad decided to bring out."
"It's not the Quidditch World Cup, is it?" Lily cringed inwardly, remembering what Louis had done.
"It is." Dominique looked ready for tears. "That was so horrible, I'll never live it down."
"What was?" asked a new voice from the doorway, and Lily looked up to see Teddy leaning against the doorframe.
"The Quidditch World Cup. I forgot you weren't there, but Louis—"
"—stole one of my lacy red bras, put it on, and went running into the middle of the Mexico tents. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it."
"But he had a justified reason," James announced from the doorway. "We were playing our favorite game."
"What's that?" Teddy asked interestedly.
Louis followed James into the room. "We call it 'Who Nicked It Better?'."
"Just the name sounds like it could have embarrassing potential," said Lily.
James assumed a sultry come-hither pose against the wall. "Ah, yes, I'm looking for… Enriiiiique." He followed this with a round of winking and batting his eyelashes.
"I did NOT say that! Or wink!" Louis exclaimed, leaping to his feet from where he sat on the floor.
The door suddenly opened again, revealing a horde of people: Albus in the lead, waving an enormous stack of parchment, followed closely by Rose, Hugo, Lucy, Molly, Victoire, Fred, and Roxanne.
"What's going on, Al?" Dominique asked.
"Granddad just showed me this Muggle thing called a fan-fik-shun!" Albus exclaimed, his bright green eyes alight with excitement as he brandished the stack of parchment at the room. "There are, like, a porpskillion of them on another Muggle thing called the internet—"
"Albus?" Roxanne interrupted.
"How many is a porpskillion?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, I just made that up."
Lily flipped her long red hair over her shoulder, rolling her eyes at her brother. "Anyway, what exactly is this fan-fik-shun thing?"
"Well—" Albus rifled through the stack, handing out pieces of parchment to everyone in the now extremely crowded room. "—they're stories about people we know—like, here, I found Mum and Dad—GROSS, what are they doing?"
"I don't think I want to know," Hugo said weakly.
Teddy frowned down at one of his pages. "Who the bloody hell is 'Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way', and what is she doing to Scorpius Malfoy's dad?"
"There are young children here!" Molly warned, covering Lucy's ears.
"Merlin's beard, they're torturing Aunt Hermione," Victoire said quietly. "She's with Uncle George—"
"EW!" Fred and Roxanne shouted simultaneously.
"—and with Scorp's dad—"
The room gave an involuntary shudder.
"—and someone named Severus Snape."
"The guy I was named after?" asked Albus, looking highly confused. "Dad told me Snape was his Potions teacher at school."
"That makes him, like, twice as old as she is! Or older! What's the story about?" Rose questioned, looking disgusted and scared at the same time.
"Er—well, it's rated M—" Victoire started uncomfortably.
"Someone get over here and hold my puke bucket," said Molly, closing her eyes and sliding a few feet down the wall.
"Pleased to oblige, dear cousin," said Louis, who was looking slightly green. "I might need to share it with you."
"Hell, we're in here too!" James cried, staring at his paper. "Lils—you're in here with the Scamanders—"
"Ugh," Lily moaned, slumping back against the headboard of the bed.
"—and apparently Teddy hooks up with Vic—"
"We know that!" Albus said exasperatedly. "You said yourself that you caught them snogging on the platform when I was starting first year!"
Teddy grinned sheepishly and ran a hand through his turquoise-blue hair. "Guess they caught us, huh, Vic?"
"It wasn't the best place," Victoire confessed, blushing spectacularly red.
Lucy gasped suddenly, looking horrorstruck. "Guys—hey, listen up, you lot! I found something…" She trailed off, letting the rest of her sentence hang.
"What did you find?" asked Rose urgently.
Lucy looked up slowly. "You… and Scorpius."
Rose went screaming out of the room. Lily heard a jumble of adult voices from downstairs, the sound of a door slamming, and footsteps on the landing outside. The door opened, this time revealing Lily's mother and father.
"Anyone care to explain why Rose just came flying downstairs yelling something about Scorpius Malfoy?" asked her dad, a concerned look on his face.
"Someone else explain," James said, getting to his feet. "I'm going to see whether those cookies Grandmum made are ready yet."
"Oh, wait, James?" Louis asked, still studying his parchment. "I found your dad with Mr. Malfoy—"
James's face froze with his eyes wide and his mouth open in horror. For a moment, no one moved, until James finally broke the silence:
"RUN FOR THE HILLS!"