SUMMARY: Buffy thinks.

RATING: R/NC17 to be safe

PAIRING: Buffy/Spike (with a twist)

SPOILERS: season 5

KEYWORDS: character death

DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns the characters. I'm just abusing them for a while.

DEDICATION: To Evil Wills!


DISTRIBUTION: Organized Insanity (, otherwise ask me


I can remember the day I became Spike's. It wasn't something I meant to do, but I just opened my eyes and there he was.


I decided that day, even though I could remember that he tried to kill me a couple times, that it was better to be his than no one's. So I dedicated myself to him. Everything I did was for him. For Spike.

It was strange, I know, because I'm the slayer and he's a vampire. But he's so much more.

He's so amazing and wonderful and sexy and handsome. He's a major hottie, with or without the clothes.

And I certainly know. We've done everything two bodies can do, or at least he says that. Said that.

The first time was hard, fast, with me over a tombstone. He was big and went deep and before I knew it, I'd come, screaming his name. It was amazing. No one had ever made me come like that. Once we got back to his crypt, he took me again and again and again, the same way. Hard. Fast. Deep. And I loved every minute of it.

Spike's good with his hands. *Very* good.

We fought and kissed and then, *then*, he said he was going to do something nasty to me. I said it then, and I'll say it now, there's no nasty like Spike's nasty.

His tongue, his mouth, his fingers, his nose… it's all amazing. No one can understand, until they've experienced it. And I *did* experience it. Over and over and over. He told me he couldn't get enough of me. He always says sweet stuff like that. Said sweet stuff like that.

I rode him in the cemetery, and let him fuck me any way he wanted. Even with the chains.

He said he wanted to do more nasty and we did, did we ever! First with me chained to the bed, then with him.

I let him bite me, too. If I let him, he could. If I begged; so he did.

I curled up in his lap that morning, and he read me the comics, while I stroked him. Then, he held my head as I passed his heaviness over my tongue and down my throat. I did it over and over and over, because I couldn't get enough of him.

Then, he asked me if I liked math. I told him, yes. He said he had a game called 69, which is *so* much better than math!

I did everything Spike wanted, because I loved him and wanted him, because I was *his*.

I don't remember when he stopped loving me, though. I don't remember when I stopped being his.

All I know is that one day I woke up, and he wouldn't see me. He didn't want me around. He wouldn't kiss me, and when I went to his crypt, he wouldn't let me in. I told him I loved him and wanted to be nasty with him. He turned me away. He was so sad that day…

I *know* I used to be his, though. All the things we did… I can remember them; even as I'm here now, I can remember. I *know* those things happened. I *know* Spike loved me. I remember it.

I just can't remember when I stopped being his. Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I love him enough? Did I forget to do something he asked me? Did I not do math right? Why doesn't he want me anymore? Why can't I be his?

Sometimes at night, I like to pretend, right before I go to sleep, that he comes into my room and tells me he's sorry. I like to pretend that he takes me softly, slowly, on my bed, on my sheets. And that he kisses me sweetly and takes his time with my body.

I guess, now, that it's a good thing that I'm not his anymore. I guess it's good that he doesn't love me anymore.

I just hope that someone tells him. I wonder if he'll be upset. I wonder if he'll be sad. I wonder if he'll wish I was his. He'll wish I was his… wish I was… his… wish… I…


"Dawn." I like… Dawn. "You're my sister, Dawn." She smiles. She's pretty. "Where did I go?"


"Where did I go? I was here. Here… But then… I ran away."

"I-I don't…"

"No." No. "Not me. The other Buffy."

My sister's pretty.

"Yes. The other Buffy. I don't… I don't…" Spike? "…know where she… ran off to…" Dark. "Maybe-"

Dark. Spike… wish I was his… his… hi-