TITLE: WHO AM I? WHAT AM I?
AUTHOR: INQUISITIVE ONE
EMAIL: inquisitive1@angelfire.com
DISTRIBUTION: http://www.angelfire.com/tv/inqstive1sfanfiction, fanfiction.net, yahoogroups- inquisitive1supdates. Anyone one else ask first and you shall receive.
DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to I don't own any of the characters on Angel.
SUMMARY: Connor's thoughts on who he is.
-------
CONNOR'S POV

Who am I?
I have always asked myself that.
Am I Connor?
Am I Steven?
Am I the child of two vampires?
Am I Daniel Holtz's son?
Is Angel the vampire with the soul my father... or is his counter part Angelus my father?
Is one who fathered me and held me moments after I was born my father?
Or is it the man who took me from one dimension to a dimension of hell?
When I see Father I wonder... does he love me?
When I see the vampire I have to wonder if he loves me as well.
Angel says that he loves me but do vampires love?
Father says he loves me yet he took me from this dimension to the Quar-Toth.
Is that a sign of a man who loves me?
Father raised me and trained me to hate the demons especially the vampires Angelus and Darla... the ones who brought me to life.
How did two beings with no breath... no life... manage to create life?
Angel told me that I am a gift... special the first and only of vampire parents.
I love my Fathers yet I despise them.
The one who gave me life hated the one who raised me
The one who raised me taught me to hate the one to created me.
In this dimension I am only a few months old yet I am not. Quar-Toth is a hell dimension a dimension in which time goes faster.
I had only a few months with Angel while I had 16 with Father... 16 in hell dimension time.
When I look at Angel I feel hate... disgust but also love. How can he love?
They say he was once one of the most vicious of vampires along with my Mother. Yet now they say he is good... and she is dead.
She died so I could live... that is what Angel has told me. He said Darla staked herself so I could be born. He said in her last moments that she told him to raise me to be better than she was.
I remember things about before. I never told Father that. I knew that he would see me of more of freak then he already believed. He never called me a freak yet I know how he felt when he looked at me at times when he thought I wasn't paying attention. At times I could feel his disgust and fear and hate. Yet he showed me love as well... while he taught me hate.
I don't understand who I am or how I came to be. I remember some things about my mother... I don't know how that is. She was dead when I was conceived... died again when I was born.
I remember feeling her surprise... her disgust and underneath all of that I felt love. She didn't want me and tried to kill me more than once yet she died so I could live. I remember her fear over what I would be. Her fear of losing the feelings of love... for me. When she died I felt loss. A loss of love and connection yet I had a new feeling of love and connection as Angel... my father held me for the first time.
I don't understand who I am... what I am?
Why do I exist?
Am I good?
Am I evil?
Will I ever know why I exist? What does my future hold?
All I want to know is...
....will I ever know if my fathers love me for me or me for what I am?
WHO AM I?
WHAT AM I?

~Connor/Steven