Grumpilious Randolphus Gribble
Why I hate Snow White
Why do I hate Snow White you ask. Well you see a long time ago I used to be a respectable man. A man of integraty. A man of trade. A man of wealth. I, Grumpilious Randolphus Gribble had it all. You see back in those times I was merely a young business man trying to achieve what all the others did; a large manor to call my own during the day and to fill my nights with the upmost pleasure. When one day on my way home from work my six brothers and I discovered something that would forever change our lives. And it came in the form of a beautiful maiden named Snow White.
You see on that particular morning my six brothers and I had woken up as we always did. To the abominable songs of the many songbirds of the forest but I guess that's a small price to pay for the ideal location of our humble abode. And as always after stuffing our bellies full of sweet grasses and mulberries we headed out to our little cavern, a cavern that just so happened to be studded with all of the riches of the world. And it was all ours for the taking. You see only after a few days of my accidental discovery of the mine my brothers and I had perfected the demolition of it to an art. Four days of the week I would mine the shaft with my brothers and the other three days of the week I would head into town to cash it all in.
However, as we were headed home I could feel a change in the air. Something was not quite right. Upon reaching our home we discovered that our front door was ajar. Immediately we all were on guard scanning the forest for any disturbance, looking for anything out of place. Then slowly but surely we headed inside only to find that all of our finest possessions had be used, poorly cleaned, and then misplaced. On top of that there were animal prints ranging from large to small covering every square inch of the floor, furniture, and stairs. Infuriated with the disrespect our possessions had been treated with we quickly but silently climbed the stairs to the bedroom. Slowly we nudged the door open and creped inside. From my position in the doorway I could see the outline of person, a person that would without a doubt be dead soon.
We surrounded the beds on all sides then lifted out axes to swing. Suddenly it moved. The large object on our beds stirred causing us to quickly duck behind the bed posts to remain hidden. The sheet that was obscuring the face of our intended victim flowed towards the bed unmasking our intruder.
Her beauty was superb. Her wit, however, was not. Stupidly she yelled at us, "Who do you think you are to just waltz in when I was taking a nap."
My anger came to a boiling point. Who did we think we are! Who does she think she is to just waltz into someone's house without permission, and eat their food, and use their things? "We just so happen to be the owners of this house you so rudely invited yourself into, you stupid wrench", I exclaimed angrily.
"Wrench, where. I see no wrench", said the beautiful maiden.
"I was talking to you."
"First of all Mister, my name just so happens to be Snow White. And second of all I just so happen to be the princess of England", Snow White exclaimed with her nose in the air.
"Well, then excuse me for not knowing that a homeless thing like you was royalty", I said sarcastically. I looked at my brothers only to see that they still had not managed to pick up their mouths from off of the floors to answer.
"Me, homeless. Never. That just shows how much you know."
"Really because the last time I checked this was still my house. And in about a second you will be out of it."
"Waaaait. Your seriously going to consider throwing me out. I mean come on, dude. Just look at me."
"But where else do you expect me to go."
"Umm, don't know. Don't care. Just so long as it's far away from here." Unfortunately for me, my imbecilic brothers just so happened to regain their ability to speak right at that moment.
"Umm, will you excuse us for a moment Miss White", my brother Doctomus asked.
"Whatever", Snow replied rudely.
My brothers grabbed me by my arms and pulled me into the stair well. "What do you think you're doing, Grumpilious. If you continue to speak to her that way then she'll leave", Doctomus said.
"Good. She should. You know as well as I the consequences of her staying here."
"But she won't report us to the court. Besides even if she did what would she tell them anyway that she stumbled onto a cottage full of seven little men carrying pick axes."
"Yes. If she stays here she could reveal the location of our wealth, not to mention us to the royal court. And do you know what would happen then. We would become slaves. Slaves to the court. And I will not let that happen all because you fell for the charms of a stupid snobby girl, Doctomus. I won't."
"We'll be careful. We won't bring anything from the mine into the house from now on. That way Snow will have no reason to suspect anything."
"No. She should leave tonight."
"Well, then why don't we take a vote after all this isn't just your house. Who thinks that Snow White should stay?" All of my whipped brothers raised their hands.
"Fine. Let her stay but don't say I didn't warn you." We headed back inside to convey our decision.
Snow was still on the bed staring up at the ceiling looking as if she already knew what our answer would be. Heck she was probably listening to the whole thing. Wouldn't surprise me.
"Umm, Miss White. We have decided to let you stay", Doctomus said.
At hearing the news Snow played her innocent little act to the tee. Her face brightened up as if she had never heard more wonderful news in her entire life. She then hopped off of the bed to hug Doctomus as if they had known each other their whole lives. It was absolutely disgusting.
"Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you", Snow said, her voice stuffed to the brim with utter gratitude.
"I promise you won't regret this decision," she said with a bright smile on her face. "And to prove it to I'll make supper."
"Well this certainly should be interesting", I muttered under my breath.
The night continued on to become one of the worst nights of my short life. After forcing myself to eat one of the worst combinations of food I had ever seen I was then kicked out of my bed, and forced to find a place to sleep among the hard and cold furniture of the living room.
The next morning wasn't any better than the night before. I woke not to the annoying songbirds but instead to the highest screeched I've ever heard in my life. And I assure you it wasn't pleasant to listen to. With my back and neck thoroughly sore I was then forced to forgo my morning ritual and head straight for the door where Snow White was saying her goodbyes to my imprudent brothers.
Before walking out the door I turned to address Snow White.
"Now let's just get one thing straight, missy. NO touching my stuff. NO venturing into the woods unless you wish to die, then in that case by all means go forth." Snow White glared at me. "And Do Not, I repeat, Do not talk to or let anyone inside this house do you understand me", I asked completely serious.
"Yeah. Yeah. Whatever man I gotcha."
"This is serious", I said with a glare.
"YES. Okay. Okay. Now will you just go now", Snow said packing as much attitude into her voice as possible.
"Good", I said, turning around to follow my brothers.
"Alright. Bye bye now. Now you have yourself a super fantastic day, Grumpy!"
"Ugrh." If I didn't hate her before I most certainly do now.
"Hey. Grumpy. That's a perfect nickname for you Grumpilous", Doctomus said with a grin on his face.
"Shut up," I said vehemently.
The day continued on a usual until all of a sudden a herd of animals attacked us. Biting, scratching, and clawing us until they had thoroughly grabbed our attention. They then proceeded to push us in the direction of the house.
"Uh oh. This was not good", I thought.
All seven of us raced back towards the house afraid of what we might discover. Upon reaching our destination my brothers immediately went in search of Snow White. Leaving me to look for what was wrong. I found her face down in the kitchen unmoving with an apple in her hand. But not just any apple. I recognized that apple as one of Madame Scroops' poisonous apples. She sold them in a cart not too far from where I cash in the jewels every three days. She also had revealed to me on one of my many visits that she picked all of her apples and dipped them in poison in her cottage not too far from here. And I would bet my life on the fact that she had dropped by to say hello like she does from time to time. I would also bet that Snow White being the stupid wrench that she is was too lazy to go get something to eat and instead opted to steal an apple from Madame Scroops' basket. Well that saves me the trouble of having to get rid of her. Now where to hide the body.
Just as I had finished that thought when my idiotic brothers ran into the house yelling only to become subdued due to the scene in front of them. To my horror they instantly began crying. Gross. Despite this I couldn't help but be excited and relieved. If my brothers weren't here at this moment I would probably be dancing with joy.
"You did this", Doctomus screamed pointing at me.
"What", I asked baffled beyond words.
"You never liked her. I knew you didn't but I never expected you to do something like this, Grumpilious."
"Are you seriously accusing me of killing her? Come on Doctomus you know I would never do something like that no matter how disgusted I was by her", I said grimly. I couldn't believe this. A girl walks into his life and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. "She was poisoned by one Madame Scroops' apples", I said calmly still in shock over being accused but trying to explain the situation as logically and simply as possible. And to my relief they believed me.
"We have do something about the body", I said and they all glared at me. "Well we can't exactly leave her on the kitchen floor now can we", I stated defending myself.
And that's how we ended up putting Snow White's lifeless body into a magnificent glass coffin. Not that she really deserved it but still I did it for my brothers.
Years passed and our lives went back to normal or as normal as you can get when what's constantly depressing your brothers is right outside your window. It was a typical day as usual when all of a sudden a man was standing beside Snow's coffin. We all ran outside to see what he would do. He bent down, lifted the coffin's door and kissed Snow right smack on the lips. I almost gagged.
However, to everyone else's amazement Snow White opened her eyes and looked into the eyes of her savior. That poor helpless sucker. Together the two of them walked over to pretty boy's pony and rode off into the sunset. Well at least she's not my problem anymore. Or so I thought.
Since that oh so fateful day me and my brothers have lost everything we've ever owned. That evil wrench came back to claim all of our land and took our rights to the mine we had discovered. In addition to that she also put Madame Scroop in jail only to be told the very next day the old coot had escaped. However, I did hear she left a nice present for the princess. A nice shiny red apple.