I peered over at the girl sitting on my couch over the magazine I was reading to make sure she was still there. I feel as if at any moment she was going to disappear; that she was going to leave me again. Everything seemed casual to the point where it didn't seem real. I thought things were going to be so much worse after I finally talked about my feelings. The anxiety over the girl whose presence I'm currently graced with started years ago when we were both still teenagers. When two people live together they're bound to become close to each other. Make those two people siblings and they get closer. Then if they're both twins you get a connection that very few get to experience. I got the chance to experience this; but I got to the point where my feelings for my twin exceeded those that society deemed acceptable. For so long I struggled with this inner war that consumed me by bottling my feelings for my twin.
It seemed like the only thing I could do. Tegan is perfect. I loved the way her short dark hair falls over her eyes, how she toys with her labret piercing, how she looks at me with a gummy smile and twinkling brown eyes, a look I know only I am privileged with receiving, and even then only on rare occasions. I don't see how someone could be capable of being so beautiful, but somehow she is. Despite all my resisting, I fell for her. Upon the realization of this love so foreign to me I became more frightened than I had ever been in my entire life. Everything was going to change.
One day while we were in New Orleans finishing up to trying recording together for the first time, I spilled my feelings for her. It was bad. There was a lot of yelling and a lot of crying. So as things are beginning to normalize again several months later I begin to regain hope that we could still have each other in our lives as we always have been. I still remember the words that came from Tegan's perfect lips that hurt me more than anything else ever has, even though apologies had been said. We agreed to forget about it, even though all I want to do is pour my heart and soul out to my other half, but I know I'm too nervous to. What if she reacts horribly again? What if she never talks to me again? Those words haunt me. What if.
Tegan sighs deeply and grabs the remote to the small TV, quickly flipping it off. "We need to talk." She says as her eyes meet mine from the couch that she lazily lounges on.
Cautiously I fold up my magazine, placing it on a nearby bookshelf that is nearly filled, and cross the short distance and joined her on the couch. "Sure, what about Tee?"
"About what happened while we were in The States" Tegan slowly says as she bites her soft lower lip. I think about how I want her lip between my teeth, how I want my tongue to explore every inch of her mouth, how I want to completely blow her mind if she'd only give me the chance. I think about what I'd to do make her moan my nam—no. Pull it together, Sara, she's your sister for fucks sake.
"Oh. We really don't have to I mean – I uh – I think ill just go make some coffee… yeah that seems like a good idea I'm just gonna go and–" I rub my palms together and nervously rise from the black plush couch.
"Sara, stop" Tegan looks up at me from the couch as she places a hand on either of my shoulders and gently puts pressure down, asking me stay with her on the couch using her subtle body language as she smiles at me. Wait why is she smiling she should be disgusted by my very existence. I shouldn't have these feelings for her why is she treating me so kindly. "Please I just – I need to say some things. Don't be nervous." She continues to smile, and when I sit she places her hands over mine. My hands begin to tremble slightly so she keeps them there; an action that she knows helps with my anxiety, and I immediately feel a relief by just her being here, regardless of the fucked up circumstance. The simple gesture reminds me that she does indeed care about me even if only as a sister. Or so she said while we were in The States. I don't understand why she's bringing this up now if we both agreed to put it behind us.
"Okay…" There was a moment's silence as my hands continued to shake and Tegan stared into my hazel eyes until I forced my self to look down and could tell I was blushing. "Do you want to start or…" I say hoping to avoid speaking until I can see where she's going with the conversation so I don't embarrass myself again by sharing too much about what's going on in my jumbled up head.
"Yeah, absolutely. Listen I said some things that well… that I regret. I reacted very poorly to what you told me because I was just so shocked." She's still looking at me directly, however I let my eyes wander, worried that if I look at her I'm just going to cry like the over-sensitive gal I am. I hate talking about my feelings and this situation is thrusting me out of my comfort zone, which I do not like at all. No matter how much I resent the entire situation the conversation that we're about to have is inevitable. I can predict what she's going to say already. She's going to tell me that she can't ever have the same bond that we used to have, that she wants to quit the band, that she's revolted by me, and so on. I still can't believe I slipped up and said how I feel about her. I messed up once again.
"Listen, Sar. I didn't mean what I said, any of it. I guess I'm just so confused. I have been for a while. I just . . . I don't know what my heart is doing. This sounds weird coming out of my mouth, and I know this isn't like me, but I just have all of these thoughts that I've been keeping inside my head and I just wish I had the courage to say them. I'm trying though and I hope you can understand." I give her a confused look.
"No I guess I don't understand. What are you saying Tegan?" I'm pretty sure someone could hear my heart pounding from the hallway of the apartment complex.
She lets out another sigh. "I don't know what I'm saying Sara. I know how I feel but the words are getting caught in my throat. I – I Sara I um . . . I just. I think you're great and you're the most wonderful thing I've ever seen. I think about you and I just want to smile. You're adorable and I . . . damn it I suck at this." She looks away for the first time since I sat down and she takes her hands off of mine. After what seems like an eternity she looks back up and our eyes lock, making me become hyper-aware of all of her movements.
Her left hand comes up and brushes her thumb against the curve of my jaw and curls the rest of her fingers up against my cheek, her right sliding under my arm and onto my waist. Acting on instinct I put my hand on her shoulder and let my right hand rest against the back of the couch. Before I can even blink or soak in her eyes as she looks at me, her perfect face is mere inches from mine. Her head twists slightly and she hesitates for half a second before her lips are on mine and I feel the stars align. I pull her close and the kiss slowly begins to deepen. This is the kiss that I've waited years for. I mentally record every detail of it, trying to remember this feeling. I'm in utter bliss. We're in our own world where only we exist, and I love it. I can feel her smiling into the kisses and my heart swells with complete and total happiness. I lean back and look at the girl who I adore to no end, but confuses me more than any other, for a moment longer. I lean forward again and rest my head on her chest, right on the space between her bust and collarbones as she wraps her arms around me. For the first time in a long, long time, I feel safe.
I push her down into the couch with my head and force her head onto the armrest of the couch as I softly say into her neck "Can you just hold me for a while?"
Barely audible Tegan replies "Of course" and she does. She begins cuddle me on the couch from behind and I pull a blanket that's draped over the back of the couch over us. Tegan flips on some show about crazy brides on their wedding day, and we both giggle with each other as we lie there. We forget everything but each other, in our warm, little bubble, safe from the outside world. Legs intertwined, bodies pressed together I feel at absolute peace. Tegan guides an arm over me and intertwines her hand that fits with mine perfectly, and I bring her fingers to my lips, placing a light kiss on them before bringing it into my chest. Protecting me with her arms, Tegan places kisses along my neck and jaw, occasionally nibbling on my ear until we both drift off into a light sleep. I never thought I would feel this happy again, but I'm so glad I do.