Shit Gets Wierd


"Geez, what the hell is wrong with everyone today? First off, a bunch of people who ought to be dead are for some reason not. Like Illya, who tried to have Berserker hold me down and then she tried to molest me. Then Issei actually walked up to a girl and asked her out. Granted, maybe he's just a late bloomer or something."

Such was the synopsis of the day of one Shiro Emiya.

Rin Tohsaka scoffed and said, "Well, that's nothing compared to the crap I had to deal with Shinji."

"What? Don't tell me he tried to -"

Her own expression one of equal shock and alarm, she said, "Actually, he didn't. Instead, he started crying when he saw me, before promptly ripping his shirt off and his body was all sparkly and he was screaming wierd crap like "LADY TOHSAKA, MY ACTIONS UP TO NOW HAVE BEEN VILE, AND I GIVE MY HUMBLEST APOLOGIES! I BEG MERCY OF YOU, AND THAT YOU LEAP INTO THE MANLY BOSOM THAT HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE MATOU FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!"

At Shiro's doubtful gaze, Rin asked, " What?"

However, it wasn't until the duo reached their home that shit got truly wierd.

Immediately after opening the door, Sakura forcefully grabbed Shiro by the neck of his shirt, pulled him close, and with tears threatening to fall from her eyes, she asked, "S-senpai, you like me, right? You think I'm pretty, right?"

The sheer WTF-ishness] of the situation getting to him - and also forgetting that she was his friend's sister - Shiro dumbly replied, "Well, yeah, I guess so..."

Suddenly all happy and genki and crap, Sakura let out a massive squee and engaged Shiro in a fierce liplock, tackling him to the ground in the process. Really, it was less the two of them making out and more Sakura mouth-to-mouth molesting Shiro.

It was at this moment that Taiga Fujimura arrived on the scene. Upon realizing that it was only Sakura who was on top of Shiro, however, she merely said, "Just hang on a second before you make your claim on Shiro, Sakura-chan! I'm so happy I'm about to burst and I want to go ahead and tell him the good news!"

Sakura pouted cutely as she let Shiro up for breath, but didn't complain.

Wiping his mouth clear and taking a moment to re-boot his brain, Shiro asked, "Good news? Good news! Like what, you've got a cure for Sakura suddenly going crazy on me?"

Ignoring the outcry of "That was mean, senpai", Taiga gushed, "I'M GETTING MARRIED, SHIRO! We ran into each other at the supermarket the other day and we hit it off immediately! He's so tall, dark, and handsome, he's got a fantastic sense of humor, he's almost as wonderful a cook as you, and to top it off, he can perform the ceremony for us himself!"

Rin, taking three steps back from the sheer absurdity of what she was hearing, demanded, "And just who the heck is this so-called perfect man? I'll take him down a notch or five!"

And lo, a figure emerged from the shadows of the Emiya household, causing Rin and Shiro's faces to take on a visage of undying horror.

For the groom of the Tiger was none other than...

Trapped in a whirlwind of a million different emotions, Shiro shouted, "?"

Eyes wide with disbelief, Rin pointed a finger at the figure embracing Taiga from behind and let out a choked, "KOTOMINE KIREI?"

Smiling serenely, Kotomine said, "Emiya-kun, Rin. It's good to see you on this fine day. Do please keep your voices down, though. I believe Saber is still asleep."

Twirling around on one foot and kissing Kotomine, Taiga said, "Hey, hey, Shiro! Since Kirei-kun and I are getting married tomorrow, you can go ahead and call him aniki!"

That was the straw that broke Shiro's mind.