"I got your letter. Did you send it before you even left?" I ask Edward when he answers his phone. He's only been gone a few days, and I already miss him. We've gone longer without seeing each other before, but I knew he'd be nearby. There was always hope of a booty call.
And my booty has been known to text him when she's horny. She's a total whore.
"Hi. And yes. I wanted you to have something to remember me by."
"Like you are going into the military instead of the College World Series?"
"Yes, smart-ass. Sorry for thinking you missed me already." His voice sounds like he's being sarcastic, but I can tell he's hurt.
I am such a bitch.
"Oh Edward. I'm sorry. I called because I loved your letter. It reminded me of when we were first dating."
"You mean when I was trying to get you to date me after you spectacularly rejected me?"
Fuck. "I'm so sorry. Why do you like me again?"
"I don't. I love you."
"Edward..." I trail off to release a dreamy sigh. "You're so perfect. You really should have a small dick to balance out all your perfection."
"You want me to have a small dick?" he asks with a laugh.
"Gawd no. I love yours. I will never give it up. Your next girlfriend will have to pry me off of it."
"My next girlfriend? Are you going somewhere?"
"Okay. You're right." He hates when I'm negative.
"So there will be no prying off of my dick. You can stay there."
"Well, it is rather comfy."
"My cock is like an old chair. Nice. I'm taking some hits to my ego here."
"I'd much rather sit on your cock than my ergonomic chair at the chem department."
"Well, then. That is a high compliment."
"You know I love you...and your cock. I was actually going to phone sex you because I was so in love with the letter."
"Yeah? You're going to phone sex me?" His voice gets huskier.
"Yeah. I did some Internet research on long distance sexing."
He laughs. "Did you find a chemical formula for 'sexing'?"
"Um...sort of? It's a phone sex script."
"Hey, I needed some help. It's not like I sex call other guys."
"You better not be sex calling guys," he says.
"I'm not. Just you."
"Then have at it." His voice goes down low and sexy. I mean his regular voice is pure sex, but this is like...well, whatever is more than sex. Like a threesome or something. Though I think a threesome is gross. I remember one time I read that Golden Girls fanfiction with Rose, Sofia, and Blanche.
I can't think about the horror. I will never be able to spend any time on a lanai again without thinking about it.
Just no. It's ruining the mood. But I still want to try. I did do the research.
"Um...what are you wearing? Something tiny?" I try to sound seductive.
"Tiny? Like... a thong? I... uh...yeah. It's really small and um...my junk is all hanging-"
"Oh shit. That's my part. I'm supposed to be wearing tiny panties."
I hear a relieved laugh. "Thank god. I can't wear a thong. I don't like stuff in my ass crack except maybe your finger. That was kinda hot when your hand slipped that one time. Though I think you'd have to go in stealth. I don't want to think about an anal invasion."
I start giggling.
"What are you really wearing?" he asks.
"Just your t-shirt."
"So are you touching yourself?" I say in a too-deep voice. I sound like I smoke three packs a day.
He starts laughing. "I scratched my balls. Does that count?"
"Lovely. I'm trying to be sexy and you're talking about balls."
"You don't need to try to be sexy, Bella. You just are. The other stuff is fake."
"Yeah. I want to touch you. Not touch myself." I swear that man has special sex powers. I'm all worked up from a simple statement.
"I'm going to give you the best blow job ever when you get back. We won't even make it to your room. I'll be down on my knees sucking you before you can close the door."
"Fuck. Is that on your phone sex script?"
"No. That's just what I want to do to you."
"Damn. I can't wait 'til I get there."
"Neither can I. Alice gave me a vibrator to take the edge off."
"She bought you a vibrator?"
"No. Jasper gave her one, and she didn't want it."
"Um...that's not gross that you're using a used vibrator? From Jasper?"
"Eew. It's not used. It's a Harry Potter Nim-puss 2000, and she thought it was creepy to ride the broom. Don't tell Jasper she gave it away. She still kept the Golden Snatch lube."
There's a pause.
"Yeah...I'm pretty sure I won't be talking about any vibrators with Jasper. And I think my dick just crawled up into my balls."
"So I guess our phone sex is a big fail. I think we need your cock to be an outie, not an innie."
"Yeah. Please don't bring up Jasper and his weird wizard fetishes. It kills my sex drive. And it makes it hard to accept him as part of my family."
"Got it." I totally understand. I have a hard time accepting him as a muggle.
"So..." he changes the subject, "I had to talk my mother down from suing Justin Timberlake."
"She found out that he performed with N'Sync on MTV and had a meltdown. She kept complaining that his people swore he didn't perform with them anymore. My dad had to give her a prescription to calm her down."
"Totally serious. You should have seen what she tweeted about JT. It started a minor twitter war. Joey Fatone is backing her up though. I think he knows my mom will return his calls, unlike Justin."
"Joey rules. He signed my 'No Strings Attached' marionette." I can hear him laughing. "What? I love that thing. It's worth money now."
Now I hear snorting.
"Shut up. It's up to ten dollars on eBay."
"Awesome. I'll quit school and live off you. It's nice having a rich girlfriend." He laughs.
"So...I'm rethinking that whole welcome back blow-job scenario. I think I'm sending Jasper in a Slytherin cloak to pick you up when you get back."
"Okay. Let's not make rash decisions."
I wisely change the topic. "So, your mom's on twitter?"
"Yeah. And she has a shit-ton of followers too."
"And you follow her?"
"Just her public account for the television station. Her secret one...fuck."
"Let's just say I'd rather not see my mom re-blog cock porn."
"Yeah. So there's that."
"How did you find out about that one?"
"Emmett and my dad follow it. Don't ask. I mean you don't tweet that stuff, right?"
"I never tweet cock porn. I only post that on tumblr."
He laughs. I know it's because he thinks I'm joking. And that's okay. He'll never find out my tumblr name.
And if he does, I'll block him faster than Jasper can vanish Alice's panties during a HP marathon.
We talk a little more before it's time for him to go. I hear Edward sigh and then say, "Hey, Bella, before I have to go...I need to tell you who we're playing this week. It's Phil's team. He's been talking to me. After I threatened to kick his ass several times, he persisted in trying to get me to listen. He... he really wants to talk to Seth. I think he's being genuine."
I sigh too. This whole situation makes me feel strange and out of control. "Yeah. I know. He's called. Seth actually saw him on television. He mentioned that the coach had the same last name."
"What'd you tell him?"
"I just said 'oh, that's nice' and walked out of the room. I'm horrible."
"You're not horrible. But you need to tell him, or you need to talk to Phil and tell him you've changed your mind."
"I know. It...it's just hard. That fucker left him, Edward. I don't understand...I don't think I ever will."
"I get that. But I know how you feel about your father, and the way Emmett feels when he can't see Riley all the time. And I can see that Phil isn't the same guy he was. I don't want to kick his ass anymore. I've started to feel bad for him."
"Yeah, well, I still want to kick his ass."
"But I agreed to let him see Seth. And I know he needs a father in his life. So I guess we'll be seeing you and Phil this weekend. I'm going to call him, and then I'm going to have a long talk with Seth."
"Okay...Bella? I think that's the right thing to do. Call me when you're done. I'll be waiting."
"Love you more."
"You're avoiding the issue, Bella. You know you control everything. You decide how much visitation you'll give him," Alice says. I called her right after I hung up with Phil because I needed some advice. Or to stall my talk Seth. Whatever.
So what if she's on vacation with Jasper at Harry Potter World. I just hope Jasper isn't doing anything strange while we're talking. I don't think I can handle it right now.
"Jasper, you can use my lotion for that," she calls out. "Poor Jasper's skin is so dry," she says to me.
Thank god. Something normal.
"The Florida weather not agreeing with him? You'd think that the Arizona weather would dry him out."
"No. The weather's been perfect. He's rubbing it on his dick. It's chafed because we've been fucking so much."
Of course. I spoke too soon.
"Uh, congrats?" I mean, what do you say to that?
"Thanks. This Potter crap is like an aphrodisiac. He's walking around with two wands in his pants." She laughs. "But enough about my awesome sex life. What about - Jasper, you'd better wipe that up. It stains. You can't do a vanishing spell on that!"
"Okay. I think I need to go now."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah...get back to whatever you two are up to." I don't want to hear about any more squirting fluids. And normally I like fluids.
"Just one more thing, you've talked to everyone about this except the one person it affects the most - Seth. It'll be okay, Bella. You're making the right decision."
"Thanks, Alice. I think I've made my peace with this. I don't like it, but..."
"Yeah, I know. Just let me know how it goes. I can find like five different laws we can use to bury him in court if he fucks it up."
"Well, Esme will actually have him buried if he fucks it up."
She laughs. "Okay. Then I'll concentrate on Esme's criminal defense - Jasper, no more replenishing potion - I'm having trouble walking-"
"Bye, Alice." I hang up before I'm even more traumatized.
I briefly consider drinking some peach schnapps before talking to Seth. But that turned out poorly last time. I'm lucky Edward liked me enough to forgive the drunken ramblings.
But I need to some help before tell him.
Just one little sip...
"Seth? I need to talk to you about something." I walk into his room and see him sorting his baseball cards. Edward gave him his whole collection.
"Okay. We're still going with Riley and his dad to see Edward play, right?"
"Yeah...that's part of what we're going to discuss." I sit on his bed and face him. He pulls out three cards.
"I found some players with my name. One of them I think is the coach I saw on TV," he says excitedly. "He's going to be at Edward's game. Do you think he'll sign my card?" He passes it over toward me. Phil Dwyer.
"Yeah, Seth. I'm positive he'll sign it." He beams. I sigh. It's time. "He'll sign anything you want. Because he's your father."
The explanation goes very well. I answer all his questions. He's surprisingly calm. Unlike me. Especially when he asks, "So he didn't want me?"
I want to kill Phil in that moment. Fucking crush him with his fucking baseball bat. But I take a deep, shuddering breath and tell Seth that I wanted him. And that his father couldn't take care of him at that time. But now he wants to meet him.
Fucker. I don't say that part.
I tell him that I love him and that he's so wonderful that everyone loves him and Phil couldn't help but want to be in his life.
And that he could know his father as much or as little as he wants.
And that I would always be here for him no matter what.
"I think I want to meet him," he says. "I can give him a chance. Riley says he wishes his mom would give his dad a second chance. He's really sad that she won't. And I don't want to make anyone sad."
"You are the best kid. Ever." I pull him into a fierce hug. He pulls away after a short time, embarrassed.
"Geez, Bella. Your breath smells funny. Like Tanya's mom when they asked her to not volunteer at school anymore."
Damned schnapps. When will I learn?
"So you're going to meet with him, huh?" Emmett says when we're on the road. "Can I beat his 'bleep' if he makes one wrong move?"
" 'Bleep?' " I ask.
"I don't curse in front of the kids. So we say 'bleep.' "
"Like in all the songs on the radio," Riley calls out from the back seat.
"Got ninety-nine problems but a 'bleep' ain't one," the boys sing. Okay, that's a little bit disturbing. I guess it's better than the actual word. Though where the hell did he hear that song? I only play music by nineties boy bands.
"Got ninety-nine problems but a 'bleep' ain't one," Emmett croons. "Bleep, that's sweet cut."
Okay. Mystery solved.
"If my brother starts cursing, I know who to blame, Emmett."
"Bella, that's what the 'bleep' is for. Sheesh." The boys start singing another rap song. Every other word is bleep.
"Well...I'll tell Esme on you if I don't like it."
He turns slightly. "That's harsh."
"Don't bleep with me, Emmett."
He laughs. "My brother has his hands full."
"Not for a week now." I sigh.
Emmett scoffs. "Try two and a half years without your 'hands full.' "
I gasp. "But you've only been divorced for a year."
"I'm sorry. That's a long time."
"Well, I might have a date next week."
"Yay! I'm excited for you."
"Yeah. But I'm still going to have only one 'hand full' for a while. She's a nice girl."
"You Cullens have a way to make women swoon. It won't take long."
"Tell that to Ro-" he glances back at Riley, "you-know-who. She was immune to my charms pretty quick. Like she got an Emmett vaccination when we got married."
I laugh but stop quickly when I see he's upset. "Bleep her. You have Riley. She gave you that. Whatever bleep-ups these people in our lives make, we still have the best things come out of the pain."
He smiles. It's not the dimpled, megawatt Emmett smile, but it'll do for now.
"That 'bleep' does come in handy. I think you've convinced me," I say quietly.
"Yeah. We've both had more than our share of bleep."
"I see him, Bella!" Seth says excitedly. We're early, because he couldn't wait to get here. We only saw Edward for a short while for dinner. He had a early curfew. I barely had time to give him a hand job in the bathroom before he had to go to his room. Stupid coach's rules.
"Where? I don't think Edward is on the field yet." I'm scanning the dugout area to get a glimpse of my boyfriend's face. Or bulge. They're both pretty spectacular.
"No, my dad. He's over there." He points to Phil who is putting a bag in the opposing dugout. Seth's face is lit up. I swear to god I will rip out Phil's heart if he breaks Seth's.
Then Phil turns around like he has super hearing or can mind read and stares right at us. Well, Seth. I don't pretend to think he wants to see me. Especially after I made him grovel to see his kid.
He waves, tentatively, to Seth. Like he's scared that if he makes a wrong move, everything will disappear. And Seth waves and calls out, "I'll see you after the game...Dad."
And Phil breaks out into the same grin that Seth is sporting. The son looks just like the father, and it's not just the resemblance. It's the love on both their faces.
And I know I've made the right decision.
A/N: So that's the penultimate chapter of Caught Looking. (I always wanted to use that word in a sentence.) The epi is to follow.
Thanks to everyone who tweeted and PM'd be encouragement to finish. RL is a total bitch right now (worse than Rosalie).
Thanks to my prereaders, twilover76 and Becky, and beta extraordinaire, Cosmogirl7481. They make everything possible.