Some years ago, a guy got the crazy idea to mix the classic anime "Revolutionary Girl Utena" with some of the world's most cherished and beloved fairy tales.
The result was a catastrophic travesty that desecrated everything it trod upon.
And now that same guy is making another batch of "fractured fairy tales" featuring the characters from this bizarre setting, upsetting and twisting everything they come across. Obviously he's not learned his lesson.
And since you're reading this, neither have you.
Let the good times roll!
MORE Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride!
By Al Kristopher
1: IHOC (International House of Candy)
Once upon a microcosm, there lived a woodcutter who was basically a decent guy, but so poor that he walked around only with one shoe on, and when people asked him if he had lost his other shoe, he told them he had actually found one. Guy was so poor that he lived in the woods (chopping up trees, for crying out loud! And he wasn't even offered his own reality TV show! For reals!), married to one of the worst women you could possibly imagine.
No, worse than her. Worse than her, too. Come on, you can think of worse.
Okay, it was Nanami.
"Hey! I am not the worst woman in the world!"
Woman was so evil, she digitally inserted Greedo shooting fist.
Yeah. I know.
Anyway, the woodcutter was so poor that he couldn't even provide for his family, so one day, his lovely, caring, evil wife suggested that they eat their own children to survive (being an avid reader of Jonathan Swift. Yes, I can make white-collar jokes sometimes). He negotiated her down to "abandoning them in the woods", which wouldn't solve their hunger problems immediately, but it would certainly secure them in the long run, since there would soon be only two mouths to feed. Grudgingly, she relented, and so, the old woodcutter took his children, Hansel Miki and Grethel Kozue, into the forest, told them to wait while he chopped wood, then turned around giggling to himself, rightfully believing them to be totally PWN'ed.
Now because everyone was incredibly stupid back in those days (I think this was like twenty years ago, or a hundred, or maybe two, I don't know), Hansel Miki and Grethel Kozue believed their father, and their belief was stronger because they heard the sound of chopping wood. Actually, they had stumbled across the set of the reality TV show American Loggers, so there was a lot of wood being cut down, but they didn't know that! Sssh! Anyway, day turned into night, and since they had been left in the forest with only half a loaf of bread between them, Kozue suggested they revert to cannibalism.
"Again?" Miki whined. "Is that going to be our answer to everything? Cannibalism? 'Oh yes, we've been without food for a few minutes! Hey, I have an idea! Let's eat each other!' Or we could, you know, look for some! That's an option, too."
"I guess so," Grethel Kozue shrugged. Putting aside her Hannibal Lecter's Joys of Cooking cookbook, Grethel followed her brother deeper into the forest, wondering briefly if she could sneak away and eat one of the American Loggers wandering around. Surely, she reasoned, with great shows such as Deadliest Catch, American Choppers, Cash Cab, Mythbusters, Shark Week, and I Almost Got Away With It, nobody would miss one or two lumberjacksbut then her stupid brother had to go and ruin her fun by pointing out a stupid edible house made out of stupid candy. Stupid Miki.
"See?" he said, his mouth covered in frosting (or maybe rabies). "It's edible! Why, we can survive off this gingerbread house for months!"
"Maybe, but won't eating too many sweets deprive us of essential vitamins and minerals? You know, the stuff our bodies need to have in order to…well…live?"
"Sure," he said"if you're a Communist!" Since Japan is a democracy and not a communist state like its neighbors, China and Russia, Kozue decided to dig in, and began eating the foundations of the house. As they nibbled, a voice called out from inside:
"Little mouse, little mouse, who gnaws outside at my house?"
To which they replied:
"Go get your own (censored) candy!"
The front door opened, revealing a rather pretty dark-skinned lady with lavender hair, who invited them in so they could have better treats, and warm fires, and soft beds. The two children stuck their tongues out rudely, and continued to eat as if the woman weren't there. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"I have HD satellite television."
Well, no sooner said than done, and the children were finally able to get those nutrients that gingerbread and peppermint just can't provide. But the lady locked the door! Dun-dun-dunn! And turned around rubbing her hands together wickedly! Another dun-dun-dunn! And then said that she'd love to have them…FOR DINNER! Dramatic sting music! Oh, and could Hansel Miki clean the inside of her oven?
EXTREMELY GRIPPING JACK BAUER-TYPE MUSIC!
"Inspect it yourself, stupid witch," Miki said, wit his mouth full. The lady did so, since (as I've mentioned before) people were stupid back then, and Grethel Kozue shoved her inside and locked the door, so she would roast alive! Yay! But eventually, all things come to an end, and soon their delicious minerals had been consumed, leaving only the candy house. Now the siblings were surely up pickle creek without a safety net! Because where were they going to get their (censored) minerals?
"We could eat the witch," Kozue suggested. Miki groaned.
"You see what I'm telling you, Kozue? Every time we get the least bit hungry, instead of using our headsor God forbid, our resourceswe revert to cannibalism. Why do we always revert to cannibalism?"
"I dunno," it seemed. "Just seems like the thing to do."
"The thing to d" While he was weighing his sister's vast, gaping stupidity (and alarming trends of appetite), Miki heard another knock on the door, and, hoping for a distraction, went to open it. However, on the other side, was none other than…
"Ho, ho, ho, ho…"
"PIZZA THE HUT!"
"Well, if it isn't Miki, and his sidekick, Puke!"
"That's Kozue, dumbass," she sneered.
"Kozue, Puke, whatever! Where's my money?"
"Don't worry, Pizza, the witch Anthy has it! She got burned to death, but we should be able to scrape it out of her ashes by next week!"
"No, no, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow," the pizza gangster said.
"A hundred thousand space bucks? By tomorrow?" they blurted.
"A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh…one million!"
"A million? That's unfair!"
"Unfair to the payer, not the payee! Ha, ha, ha, ha! But you're gonna pay it, or else!"
"Or else what?" Kozue challenged. Pizza smiled wickedly at them and locked the door.
"Or else you'll starve! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ciao, kids!" And with that, Pizza wandered off and waited for them to surrender. With all their food gone and no alternatives left, Miki finally submitted to Kozue's will, and ate his own sister! Soon, Pizza came back, and, finding the last child inflexible, ate him, too! So now Pizza was alone in the candy cabin. Unfortunately, he became locked inside, so once again, he was forced to eat himself to death.
Next installment: The legend of Momotaro!
Author's note: I've got about fifteen good ideas for future chapters but any suggestions would be appreciated. Just make sure you review, too.