AN: Sorry I didn't update last week like I said I would. :P But this was going to be chapter I made it one long one so it took longer than planned. Songs for this chapter are Broken heart by falling up and yours to hold by Skillet.
Songs for this chapter are Broken heart by falling up and yours to hold by Skillet.Jace reminded himself that he needed to stay calm as he walked into Clary's room two days later. He had gone home late the day before, but he had no intention of staying there. He needed to be with Clary. He was scared to enter the room though, he always was. He was terrified that she wouldn't be there, that something might have happened to her.
This time though she was sitting up. He was relieved to see she was awake and appeared to be somewhat aware of what was going on. Not like the times she was too lost in whatever terrors her mind made her watch over and over to even notice he was there.
"Clary?" his voice was gentle, he didn't want to startle her.
She kept staring straight ahead as if she didn't hear him but he thought her eyes flicked toward him for a split second.
"How's my beautiful girl today?"
She still didn't respond, he began to worry.
"Clary?" he asked again, coming closer and sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I'm breaking up with you." she said still staring straight ahead, face expressionless.
It took a moment for him to process what she had said. Then a wave of cold fear overtook him. She did not just say that. There was no way she had said that.
"Clary are you okay?"
"No. That's why we need to break up."
"But...w-why?" he wanted to shout 'I need you!' but this wasn't about him. Never mind being mutuare wasn't going to work, "I need you." his voice was a weak whisper. She didn't need him start yelling. He needed to keep himself under control as much as he could. That was the least he could do.
"No you don't. You need a girl you can hug and kiss without worrying that she's going to have a break down! You need a girl who won't be like this for the rest of forever!"
"You won't be. And if you are? I don't care."
"Jace. Don't make this harder. There's things you don't know. Things I'm not able to talk about...I can't do this. I love you...I'll never love anyone like I've loved you. And I'll always be able to know that someone loved me once even when I was like this. But I can't ask you take care of me. I can't let you waste your time with me." her voice was so calm it was scary.
"Jace please don't. Just go."
"Please." her voice was pleading and Jace was so desperate to do anything he could for her that he couldn't protest. He left.
He barely made it to the hallway before sinking to the ground. He didn't know what to do. He needed her. He thought she needed him too. She had said she did didn't she?
"Err...is there a reason you're sitting in hallway?"
Jace didn't respond.
Simon nudged him with his foot. "Hey, is Clary okay?" he was starting to panic.
"I don't know." Jace's voice was dull and lifeless.
"Are you okay?"
"I take it that means no." Simon fought the urge to kick him didn't like Jace all that much but if he thought about it reasonably he knew the other boy had saved Clary so that was a good reason not to kick him -he still kind of wanted to though. There was also the fact the Simon was an abnormally good person. He didn't like seeing people upset...not even Jace.
"You need anything?"
"Go check on Clary."
That scared Simon. If Clary was awake, if there wasn't a doctor in there with her why was Jace not with her? He went.
"Clary?" like Jace he softly called her name to warn her that he was there. She didn't turn to look at him. She didn't seem to hear him. She was just staring straight ahead, her face completely blank.
"Clary?" he had seen her like this before. Mostly after her father had cut her with a knife, he had never understood why she only got like that after being cut, not after being beaten. What he didn't know was that he had never cut her, she did that herself.
"Clary? Please talk to me. Please. Come on. Let me make it better." that was he had said when he needed to treat her injuries, any time she needed him but tried to shut him out. He meant it now more than ever, she was his best friend, she was like a sister, she had died. Twice. She had come back though and he wasn't about to let her leave him now.
"You want me to get Jace?" it killed him to ask, but he was willing to do anything for her. If Jace could make it better so be it. Her reaction was the last thing he expected.
"No!" She sounded frantic.
She didn't want to see Jace, Jace looked like he had collapsed out in the hallway, what the hell was going on?
She didn't respond so he came right up to the bedside.
"Can I sit?"
He sat next to her, slipping his shoes off so he could sit along side her.
She gave him an odd look and he wondered if she might not like him being so close. Just as he was about to ask if she would rather he not be there she -with great effort- shifted and scooted closer so she could lean against him, the way she did when they spent the night together when one of them didn't want to be alone.
"Oh Simon." she whispered.
"Hey now." he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's gonna be fine."
She started sobbing. The tears she had been forcing back all day could no longer be restrained.
"No. It's not. It's not ever going to be fine. It hasn't been for so long. Sometimes... with you... I can pretend it's fine...but it's not."
He wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her the way he used to sometimes when her injuries were really bad. But she was so weak still. She was only able to sit because the bed was in a sitting position, she had hardly been able to move closer to him and she was still hooked up to a bunch of different machines. He was too scared to move her so he settled for wrapping his arms around her. He wasn't sure how she would react but it must have been the right call because she leaned into him and just let herself cry, not even trying to stop. Simon knew the best thing he could do for her was to just hold her till she could speak again and then coax her into talking.
She cried into his shoulder till she had no tears left.
"It's just everything..."
"Right. Not buying it. If that was it you would have let me get Jace."
"Come on Clary. I've known you since we were what, six? I know you."
"I broke up with him."
"I broke up with him." the scary calm was creeping back onto her voice.
"What did he do?" Maybe he should have kicked him. If he had done anything to hurt Clary...
"He can't waste his life with me Simon. He needs a girlfriend who's not mentally unstable. He's been nothing but wonderful and I'm still unable to let him touch me most of the time!"
"Touch you?" he spluttered.
"I mean like hold my hand you perv." she quipped automatically, years of dealing with Simon taking over for a second.
Simon couldn't suppress a smile at this brief glimpse of the Clary he had grown up with. He just hoped they could bring her back for good, seeing her as this broken shell of a girl was heartbreaking.
"Do-do you love him?" he didn't want to hear the answer, although he was pretty sure he knew it anyway.
"Yes...but being with him would be selfish."
"Does he love you?"
"He says he does and he...well he acts like he does."
"Well he...he's...perfect...he can have any girl. He deserves more. How could he love me? I don't get it." If her own father could think killing her was kinder than letting her live then maybe he was onto something. There was no way Jace could love her. And if he did? Well he would find someone else.
"You can't let him ruin your life Clary. If we were still at the institute, if Valentine was still out of the country, would you be pushing him away then?"
At the sound of her father's name she tensed. She felt a 'flashback' coming. She hid her face in Simons shoulder, trying to cling to what was real, the feel of his arms around her, the smell of his clothes. She knew he hadn't known that just his name would set her off. She hadn't even known, Jace would have known.
"Clary? Are you okay?" Simon asked.
Jace wouldn't be asking such a stupid question. Jace wouldn't expect her to talk right now. He would know what she was going through or at least have some vague idea. But she had sent him away. She would never feel his arms around her again. Never again curl up in his lap and feel perfectly safe. Simon was doing his best but it just wasn't the same.
Isabelle had been coming to check on Clary...and to see Simon... She not been prepared to see her brother sitting in the hallway looking lost.
"Jace? What happened?" she offered him her hand and pulled him up. She lead him to an empty waiting room just down the hall.
"Is she okay?" Izzy demanded once he was sitting down.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Are you okay?"
"I need you're help Izz. She broke up with me. What do I do?"
His voice was pleading and Izzy didn't know what to say.
"Tell me what happened." her voice was hesitant, she wasn't used to stuff like this.
Jace told her.
"She didn't mean it. I mean she did. But well...she's not exactly sane right now is she?"
"Don't say that." his voice had a dangerous edge to it.
"I just meant...she'll get better Jace. I know she will."
"But what do I do?"
She sighed. "Well" she looked around to make sure they couldn't be overheard. She could do this Jace had been so good to her the other day she had to do what she could for him now.
"She's doing the same thing you do...I guess I've been known to do it do...but she's pushing away the person she needs most. She thinks she's protecting you. Just don't leave her."
Jace just stared at her.
"Fine. Just think about what I said."
When Jace didn't answer she looked him in the eye.
"Jace promise me you'll be okay on your own. Otherwise I'm not leaving."
"I'll be fine. I'll see you at home."
When she was a little ways down the hall she pulled out her phone.
"I don't know. Jace is upset. Clary said she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs you. He's sitting in the waiting room. I told him to give her time...he seemed...like he needed you. I did what I could but..." she hated admitting that anyone could do anything she couldn't but if it was for the good of her family she didn't have any other choice.
"I'll be right there."
Simon wasn't sure if Clary even knew he was there...she didn't respond to anything he said. She knew though. His arms around her were the only thing keeping her from slipping farther into her mind. She knew if she did that she would never come back. It was tempting though. Jace had needed her. Now she had no one to live for. There was no one that truly needed her. Simon would miss her but he would move on. Same with Luke and Jon. Jace wouldn't have moved on. She didn't think he would have anyway. But it didn't matter. He was gone. She couldn't understand the fact that he still cared. That just because she told him not to care it didn't really change anything.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Simon's words cut through the fog in the mind if only for a moment.
"No!" she gasped.
"Shhhhh. I won't. I'm right here. It's okay. I'm right here."
Alec had just come in to find Jace staring at his pocket knife.
"Maybe I should just not give it back this time." Alec muttered as he snatched it from Jace and slipped it into his pocket again.
"I didn't do anything Alec." Jace protested weakly as he watched Alec pocketing his knife.
"I wasn't going to."
"Either way you don't need to be alone right now."
"How did you know to come? Wait, did Izzy call you? That little traitor!"
"Not a traitor. A little sister who didn't know what else to do." Alec's voice was gentle but firm. "Plus do you really want her driving you home?"
"No. I'm not that suicidal. Did she tell you what happened?"
Alec nodded. "You've finally met a girl with enough sense to dump you." Alec had the worst sense of when it was okay to make a joke and when it most certainly was not okay. Jace was used to it by now though.
"Haha very funny." but maybe Alec was right maybe Clary would be better off without him. Maybe he should just go home. For now at least.
"What are you gonna do about it?"
Jace sighed, "Just take me home." He wasn't supposed to drive yet - due to the head injury he had sustained in the fight with Valentine- and Maryse had dropped him off here this morning - despite the fact that he thought he was perfectly capable of driving.
" You sure? Maybe if you talk to her again."
Alec nodded. "Fine. But if you love her you won't give up this easily." as he said it he realized he was right, also he could be talking to himself as much as to Jace...he hadn't been texting Magnus back the past few days...he'd been too afraid of what his parents would think if they knew.
"Bring me back tomorrow?"
"Sure." Alec answered as he made up his mind to call Magnus once Jace was safe at home.
Jon had been with Luke, talking to the police about Valentine. To say he was in a bad mood when he got back to the hospital was an understatement. When he found Clary in tears in Simon's arms he didn't feel any better.
"Oh Clary." he whispered. He hadn't really gotten to talk to her yet. Not when she was able to talk back anyway.
Simon got up and Jon took his place next to Clary.
"I'll be in the hall." Simon muttered thinking he might want to talk to her alone.
When Simon came out into the hall he found Isabelle waiting for him. He had forgotten that she was going to meet him here!
"It's fine. I was playing with my phone." She waved an iphone in a case so pink and sparkly it hurt you're eyes if you looked at it too long - she had peaked in, saw what was going on and decided not to bother them.
"So..." Simon mumbled.
"Yeah..." Izzy responded.
"Jon seems to want to spend some time with her...do you...ummm? Well would you like go..I don't know ….get something to eat?"
"Well I mean if you're busy..."
"Let's go." Izzy smiled.
"Clary. Why would you think you're bad for him? How could you be bad for anyone? You know what he told me? He said he couldn't hurt you if he wanted to. He said it would be like chopping off his own arm, and he meant it. Have you thought that maybe he needs you too?" Jon had no way of knowing how true his words were but that made them no less true.
"Jon stop. I don't need you or Simon or anyone else telling me what to do. It's my life." it didn't feel like her life. It felt like it was being controlled by Valentine. Even with him in jail for attempted murder it was still like everything she did was controlled by him.
"I just don't want you to get more hurt."
"It's a little late to worry about that."
"I...I... would stopped him if I could. If I could do something..."
"That's not what I meant. You've been amazing. I just..." it was strange, she was able to talk, to carry on a somewhat normal conversation, but she felt completely numb. When she was alone she was so overwhelmed with everything that she couldn't function. But with Jace she could let herself feel things she still got overwhelmed, but when she did he was there to help her through it. But she couldn't let him be there.
The next two days every time Jace went to the hospital to talk to Clary she wouldn't talk to him. On the third day instead of asking Alec to drive him to the hospital he told Maryse he was ready to go back to teaching. He wasn't really supposed to but she knew changing his mind would be a daunting task and it would better for him then moping in his room would be.
He wasn't giving up but everytime he tried talking to her it only upset her more. He was just going to wait a day or two.
"Clary can you promise me you won't try anything like this again...please?"
"I...no Jon. I can't promise."
"Look they want...they want to send you to a rehab place...if you can't promise me you won't try this again we don't have any other choice."
"Fine. Send me away."
"Clary. Oh Clary. That's the last thing I want. But you can't come home. It's not safe."
"Is anywhere safe?" she asked bitterly. "The correct answer is no." she snapped when he didn't answer.
"Or you can go back to the Lightwoods." he said ignoring her.
"No I can't."
"Clary!" he said exasperated.
She flinched as he rose his voice.
"Sorry, sorry, I just..." he put his head in his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
"No, you have nothing to be sorry for." he reached for her hand but she pulled away.
"Okay then. There no other option. Luke is going back tomorrow. I'm staying here till you get settled in...Simon wants to stay here with you. He's still trying to convince his mom but it looks like he'll be staying with the Lightwoods. You'll be able to have visitors for a few hours every day and on Saturdays you can go out in the afternoon, if someone is with you."
"Till you're better. Clary won't you just go to the Lightwoods?"
"No. And what if I don't get better." it wasn't really a question...she didn't think there was any way she could come back from this.
"You will. You're being transferred Monday. "
"I don't even know what day it is."
"Clary...I wasn't supposed to tell you this...but I wanted you to have a choice...so ummm..."
She managed a weak smile, "I'll act surprised. Thanks for believing in me...at least one of us does..."
"You're going to be fine. And I'm not the only one who believes in you. The nerd is waiting for his turn to see you."
"He's not a nerd."
"Whatever you say. I'll go get the geek then." he said with a smirk.
As he walked out he wondered how he was going to cope when he had to leave her. He wished she would just go back to the Lightwoods...but it was her choice. He couldn't choose for her. But why did she have to make the wrong choice? AN: The next chapter will shock you. If anyone can guess what's coming you get to name the chapter. XD So get guessing! lol As always review for a sneak peek. :)
AN: The next chapter will shock you. If anyone can guess what's coming you get to name the chapter. XD So get guessing! lol As always review for a sneak peek. :)