And here is some angsty beginning. I hope you enjoy it. ˆoˆ
P.S. Disclaimer to my every fan fiction can be found in my profile.
It had been roughly a year since the Promised Day, and yet a boy of seventeen still felt like he was still living and reliving the day when he stabbed his twin star through the heart with his shinken. With his amethyst eyes, he could still see Fuuma's blood on his hands and it wouldn't go away no matter how much he tried to wipe it off or wash it away. He was having delusions that Fuuma was still in front of him, bloodied and smiling. He couldn't live anymore. It was all too painful for him. Bitter tears and regret swept passed him as he kept recounting every single second of that Day. The people in his surrounding didn't know what to do anymore. If he wasn't The Kamui, he thought, maybe they already gave up long ago and left him. They were only there because he was The Kamui. Now, he was nothing. After the Promised Day, where his existence was supposed to fulfill its duty, he was now an existence neither alive nor dead.
He was no one.
And no one would care whether an unimportant existence such as him was to live or die.
Such was the realization that stabbed him fiercely before that Day. He could remember it like the palm of his hand. He wished he just smashed his head open and forgot everything but the words still rung in his ears up until now. He couldn't escape its hunting presence at all, like the person who abandoned him at the most important moment.
"Sorry, Kamui." He could hear Subaru's words as if the older male was still saying it now. "I can't love you. I'm sorry…"
"Subaru, please…" Kamui begged. He couldn't bear it that Subaru was on the other side. But he still wanted them to continue being friends. He had just told the older man how he really felt and received such devastating rejection he knew was inevitable. Subaru loved Seishirou more than anyone. Or more particularly, Seishirou was the only person Subaru ever loved and would ever open his heart to. He would never do such a thing to anyone else, not even to The Kamui.
"I don't value anything anymore, now that Seishirou-san is dead." Subaru uttered quietly, though his voice was visibly painted by deep anguish and longing. He longed to see Seishirou again, especially now that he understood why the man chose to be killed by his hands. Seishirou loved him too… If only fate wasn't too cruel…
"Please come back to us… We need you… I need you…" Kamui begged again, despite being rejected for the third time by the man he loved. He looked directly at those mismatched eyes but the latter only avoided his gaze. "I beg you, Subaru… I don't want to fight you… I can't…"
"I'm sorry. I can't." Subaru chose to end his words with determination just to brush Kamui's plea off his mind. "I don't love you, so I cannot protect you. I am your enemy now. Please be serious in fulfilling your destiny. Don't waver now just because of me. I'm not worthy for your affection, Kamui… Please forget about me and fight for the sake of the earth…"
In his mind, he could still hear Fuuma's, or the Kamui of the Earth's, eerie laughter in the distance. That was how his twin star laughed when Subaru rejected him for the fourth time that day. And after that was nothing but blood and darkness he wished he could erase. He wished he could somehow become just Kamui, a high school student studying in the same school as his friends Kotori and Fuuma. He wished that nothing like the Seals or the Angels ever existed. And the Promised Day was just a legend he read in some literature books or novels. If only such was the case…
He curled himself into a ball, not even bothering to climb up in his bed. Without any notice to the moon that was now blossoming into the dark sky, he lay there on the floor as he filled the room with gut-wrenching cries of agony. He felt so abandoned, so lost and miserable. There were many ordinary people who survived after the apocalypse but they too had their own worries to solve and own loved ones to mourn for. They had no time to listen to some kid with mind problems as his cheeks were filled with bitter tears and his lips let out broken sobs, mirroring his shattered heart. Kamui felt so broken and empty. He could feel himself withdrawing from the world more and more. It was a kind of sadistic irony that he was able to protect it only for it to destroy him instead. He wanted to die but couldn't. He didn't have the power to even live, let alone die by his own hands. If Subaru was here… No, if the Sakurazukamori was here…
How he wished that Subaru would come back to him once again. If only to deal the final blow and end his misery once and for all… He wished someone would just pay the Sakurazukamori and tell him to kill the annoying brat who did nothing but disturb the sleeping neighbors by crying every night and day. If it was by Subaru's hands, he knew he would happily embrace death… After all, almost everyone he knew and cared about was dead. He could just as well go to where they were and be reunited with them.
Sorata was already dead. He fulfilled his destiny by dying for the sake of the woman he loved. Arashi was devastated by his death but she chose to live on for his sake. She chose to be alive for Sorata and for their now one year old son. The kid looked just like his father and Arashi loved him more than anything in the world now. She wouldn't even let a single mosquito within one meter near him. Nekoi and Shiyuu both lived, but Shiyuu was still a cripple, and it was all Nekoi could do to take care of him. Kamui had no space in her tight schedule for now. Karen and Aoki too had left this world together. At least they were together… Kamui's broken sobs echoed throughout the room. It was filled with so much anguish and longing. It was too painful for someone like Arashi, Nekoi, and Shiyuu who was currently on a wheel chair, to hear.
The three of them were always outside Kamui's room, wanting to go inside and comfort him, but were afraid they would bring him more pain than help. Nekoi couldn't help but sob too just by listening to Kamui's cry. Shiyuu comforted her and he too wore a very pained expression. At times like this, Arashi wondered what Sorata would have done. It was him who always had the audacity to enter Kamui's room when the latter wanted no one. He was the one who helped Kamui open up to the rest of them. It was Sorata who could probably comfort Kamui now.
"If only Sorata was here…" Arashi mumbled, only to feel her chest tightening as well. She was trying really hard to live, but she didn't want to just live and leave Kamui in the past, all alone and miserable. She wanted to help him, but she, like Nekoi and Shiyuu, didn't know how.
"Subaru-san can probably… He too can probably make Kamui stop…" Nekoi said as she wiped her tears just so Shiyuu wouldn't worry more. "I wonder where he is now… why did he leave Kamui like this..?"
"Ojou-chan, I'm sure he too has to solve his own pain and agony on his own." Shiyuu answered her. "I'm sure he'll come back once he gets passed all of this…" He gave Nekoi a kiss on the forehead and a hug, from which Arashi looked away. Those two could start anew. But she was already crippled, emotionally, with Sorata's lost. And Kamui was even worse than her. At least she had a son to live for and take care of. But Kamui didn't have any of those. The only girl he ever loved was killed by her own brother, a person who was also very important to him. That same Kamui of the Dragons of Earth met his end at the hands of the Kamui of the Dragons of Heaven. And the only person he ever loved after Kotori abandoned him when he needed the man the most. No wonder Kamui felt so abandoned and lost. No wonder he wouldn't even acknowledge Arashi and Nekoi's presence as something helpful. No wonder the guy withdrew more and more with every day that passed by. No wonder he couldn't let go of the past and move on. It's because no one was there to take his hand. All of the important persons in his life either died or abandoned him.
Night had passed and Kamui had cried his shattered heart out. But it still wasn't enough. His tears had stopped for a while now but he knew his broken heart was still drowning from the tears that weren't able to come out of his tired amethyst eyes. He wanted nothing but to spend his eternity cooped up in his room like this, crying. But it was somehow exhausting. He wanted to just disappear off the face of the earth, just like his twin star. If he couldn't be with the person he loved, with Subaru, then he wanted to at least be with Fuuma. He wanted to die… He felt so empty he wanted to just hurry up and die. If an earthquake were to strike the town, he wished his room was the first to be buried underneath the earth.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Arashi and Nekoi were too exhausted from lack of sleep, just like every night these past few months. Or more specifically, after the Promised Day. Arashi immediately prepared some meals, just to take her mind off some depressing matters. Nekoi walked in the kitchen and smelled the delicious aroma of the food she was cooking.
"That smells good." Nekoi said. Arashi turned around and gave her a smile. Nekoi was pushing Shiyuu in the wheel chair. He too smiled at the Shrine maiden.
"I thought you two were watching television?" She asked as she continued what she was doing. Nekoi merely shrugged in boredom and Shiyuu, being the good guy, cared to explain.
"There's nothing on TV than more disturbing news about murders and suicide." He shook his head in disappointment. "More and more news are about some fake diviners trying to say things like what Nostradamus said. They just give people the creeps."
Nekoi patted Inuki, her dog spirit, and continued her animated conversation with Arashi and Shiyuu.
Far from the kitchen and inside his own solitary room, Kamui was also watching the same thing as Shiyuu was watching earlier. His eyes were on the television but they were merely staring emptily into the box. He was seeing nothing but blurred vision of something that had died or something which was massacred or something about something. It was still early morning and all the news were about deaths, which didn't reach Kamui ears. He was too depressed about his own affairs that he cared not about those other things.
His eyes flickered when a commercial about some brand of cigarette caught his empty gaze. He watched it intently, but with pained expression, before he decided the TV was better turned off.
He was about to go back to bed when a thought entered his mind.
Arashi was about to serve breakfast for only three people since her son was still fast asleep. That boy was the only one who wasn't bothered by the sound of Kamui's bitter sobs even though their room was beside Kamui's. She was preparing the juice when she glanced at the doorway and almost dropped the pitcher on the floor. Nekoi and Shiyuu noticed her weird action and followed her gaze. Their eyes too widened when they saw Kamui leaning on the wall. He was wearing his old smug expression, except for the fact that his eyes held no life or radiance in them. He used to be a very selfish person who only thought of himself. Now he was but a shadow.
"K-Kamui-san!" Nekoi started. "Come eat with us!" She was the first to recover from the shock. They were already used that Kamui stayed in his room. He abandoned school ever since the Promised Day because the place held too many memories of Kotori and Fuuma. He never even went out of his room for meals. Nekoi and Arashi were the ones who brought it in his room everyday. That was already the setting for a year now. And this was definitely a huge shock for them. And they all hoped it's for the better.
Kamui approached but didn't answer. He looked at the food absentmindedly and sat on one of the chairs.
"Good morning, Shirou-kun." Shiyuu greeted enthusiastically. Kamui nodded at him but also didn't answer. They hadn't heard his voice for almost a year now too, except when he screamed from his nightmares.
Arashi didn't know what to say to him so she kept her silence, but she smiled when her eyes met Kamui's dead ones. Once again, he only nodded in return. She placed a plate in front of him and put some easily digestible foods. She knew he wasn't eating much of the food they prepared so his stomach probably couldn't handle any heavy foods right now.
From behind Kamui, Arashi took the chance to look at the boy. Kamui was unusually smaller and slender for his age, and Sorata always teased the boy that he had some female hormones in him. But now, Kamui was only half his former stature. A year of doing nothing but curl himself up into a ball didn't help in making his bones grow longer. His ill-diet also did nothing good to his health. He was nothing but a pitiful shadow of the once proud Kamui of the Dragons of Heaven, the one who attacked Hinoto with much smugness and audacity and the one who once lead the Seven Seals. Kamui, now, was nothing but a shadow, reduced to something insignificant by his own choosing.
"Stare any more than that and I'll melt." Kamui voiced for the first time without turning his head, which made all of their eyes widen for the second time. Arashi was a little embarrassed because the statement was meant for her. But she's glad that Kamui's senses were still as keen as back then. He used to say the same thing to Sorata, who always looked at him from behind.
"I'm just glad you're here." Arashi said composedly. She wasn't the type to voice her sentiments, but if it would somehow comfort Kamui, then she didn't mind it at all. Kamui didn't answer, but started eating his share in silence.
Nekoi and Shiyuu also ate quite silently, both satisfied and glad that Kamui was starting to pick his shattered self up. Arashi jolted when she heard her son's crying voice. She immediately left the kitchen and went into the room where little Sora was. After a while, she went back carrying him in her arms so protectively like she was afraid someone would take him away. Kamui glanced at the boy. When their eyes met, Sora clapped his hands in delight which surprised not only Arashi but also Kamui himself.
"It seems Sora-chan likes you, Kamui-san." Nekoi said in her proudest voice. "He never had the chance to actually see you so…" She let her statement trail off before she touched Kamui's many unwanted emotions. Shiyuu noticed that and gave her hand a light squeeze.
Kamui broke their eye contact which made Sora a little grumpy. The teen immediately finished his meal and excused himself. "I'm going back to my room."
After that, no one could even say anything to stop him. All they could do was watch his leaving figure as he disappeared into the living room and into the stairs.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
He lit another cigarette as he watched the multitude some ten meters below him. He was sitting on one of the tallest trees' branches in some wooded area of some park he didn't recognize. He could see children playing in the playground and he was repressing his urge to rip their throats and drink their blood. He was the Sakurazukamori, the one who for eternity was obliged to kill people just to feed the solitary Sakura some meters away from the tree he was in. The Sakura only needed the people's body. It was his job to drink their blood to enhance his power, no matter how disgusting it tasted.
He puffed smoke in the morning air as he tried to repress his killing urge, or rather, the Sakura's urge to kill those innocent young ones. Innocent bodies tasted good. Their blood also tasted a lot better than grown-up men and women with blood on their hands and crimes to cover up. Their blood tasted so horrible it always made Subaru throw up after he finished drinking. But he couldn't do anything against it. It wasn't his choice that he was thirsting for their blood even if it tasted like hell. It was because he's the Sakurazukamori now that he was doing this. Everything's because he loved Seishirou… The only reason why he could continue his existence as the Sakurazukamori was because the former Sakurazukamori was the man he loved with all his heart and soul, and that same man continued to occupy his heart and his very thoughts even now. He loved Seishirou so much… He wondered how much more he would have loved the man if Seishirou didn't kill Hokuto, Subaru's older twin sister. He wondered if he would be a Dragon of Heaven in the first place if Seishirou was on the other side. He knew he would've followed the man, even to the ends of the earth. That's how obsessed he was with his former lover before Seishirou killed Hokuto. And everything was turned upside down…
He knew he needed to get away from this place if he didn't want to kill those innocent children, oblivious of the mismatched eyes, one a dull green and one a hue of gray, and claws that were constantly on the verge of tearing their throats open. His gray eye shone until it became deep crimson, showing that he was losing his hold on his sanity. He really needed to get away from this place, and fast. He immediately jumped from tree to tree in swift movements, making his black trench coat rustle behind him in every shift. No one from the people taking a stroll below even had the slightest idea that a fearful and cold-blooded assassin was only some six or seven meters above them.
Subaru sprinted from tree to tree in absentmindedness, until he realized his feet had taken him to the same place again. That same place was where he always ended up finding himself after some mindless travel. It was a two storey apartment in some far-off place. He knew he travelled at least half a kilometer without thinking because this apartment and that playground were never near each other.
He sat on the tree and lit another cigarette, his last one was already gone from his fingers when he realized it. From the open window, he gazed quietly at the messy room inside. There were smear of dried blood here and there, as if the owner was too clumsy and always getting himself injured, or that owner was just too suicidal. And that same owner now entered his room silently.
Subaru was even a bit surprised to see Kamui enter from the door. He was used to see the boy curled up in his bed or on the floor. Or throwing up in the bathroom, or most of the time, crying or sobbing in agonizing bitterness and pain… He was even surprised when he felt relieved that Kamui was able to go out of his room now. The boy would surely get over it and forget everything sooner or later. Or so he hoped. He felt a little responsible for getting Kamui in this kind of depressing situation. But he was sure he did the right thing. He really didn't feel anything or whatsoever for the boy in the first place. He only saw Kamui as Kamui, the one responsible for the end of the earth, the Leader of the Dragons of Heaven. He did not see Kamui as a teenage boy whom he could share his heart with. That's just too impossible for him, especially after Seishirou's death.
And yet, his rejection made Kamui psychologically and emotionally weaker and was even brought on the brink of getting killed by the other Kamui. Except that the other Kamui's wish was to die at Kamui's hands. If only fate wasn't too cruel, then Seishirou would still be alive and Kamui would still be with Fuuma even if he was rejected by Subaru. But neither was the case, all because of destiny. Subaru gritted his cigarette harder and it was squeezed in between his lips so he had to throw it away, again. He lit his fifteenth cigarette ever since he woke up this morning, one should note that it was still early morning, and smoked.
The boy wore dark blue tattered jeans and black thin sweater with turtle neck which wouldn't even be able to protect him from the cold. But it did help in helping people see how beautifully slender the boy was and how creamy pale his skin in comparison to the black clothing he was wearing. His tousled hair also looked kind of cute as he absentmindedly tried to brush it with his beautiful, long and slender fingers. He was becoming more and more feminine, not only physically. Kamui, he noticed, had eyes more hollowed than before, but they were full of determination, which scared Subaru in a way he couldn't explain. Kamui was planning to do something. That he was sure of. His suspicion was confirmed when Kamui approached the open window and jumped outside the apartment from it, leaving his room locked from the inside.
He didn't feel anything towards Kamui. That statement was true until now. But he just couldn't shake off the feeling that Kamui was about to do something totally reckless. And Subaru felt that he somehow had to stop the boy from doing anything rash. He felt that Kamui was too delicate and thus needed some adult guidance which he knew he could never give nor would Kamui want him to. But he nevertheless couldn't leave the boy be.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Kamui had decided, used the breakfast earlier as an excuse to see his friends off, and immediately escaped from the window. He ran towards the less crowded street, oblivious of the concerned presence that started following him in silence. Kamui knew he had to do this to know what he really wanted. He needed to go to the place where it all ended, at least for most of them. That cursed tower. He could see it now. He knew that if he wanted to find the answer to his miserable questions, he would find it there. If he wanted to live or die…
But as he turned into a corner, he suddenly found himself into a garden of a small house. He wasn't familiar with this street so he really didn't know there was something odd. He just knew he could feel intense magical power from inside the house. He stopped looking at the tower, for now, and approached the door.
Subaru, who was following Kamui for a while, was immediately perplexed when the boy he was following vanished into thin air. Did Kamui notice his presence and ran away? He couldn't understand it, but somehow the thought of Kamui running away from him made his chest feel tighter than usual. There was something inside him that was against that thought, and he couldn't understand why. It's only natural for Kamui to run away from him now, after all that he did. He betrayed Kamui's trust and even broke the poor boy's heart. He didn't deserve Kamui's presence. But it wasn't like he held any special feelings towards Kamui so he couldn't understand where the prickling pain was coming from. Perhaps it was guilt that was eating him from the inside…
But the fact was that Kamui vanished and he didn't know where the hell the boy went and hid himself. He felt like Kamui was near but he couldn't see him. That thought made the once prickle of pain turn into a stabbing one. It hurt so much that Subaru unconsciously gripped his chest. "Where are you, Kamui?!" He heard his heart scream even before his mind could comprehend the words. Kamui was gone, and it was all his fault…
Host: So, Ren-san, why do you want to pair up these two even though Subaru-san really likes Seishirou?
Ren-sama: (*evil grin*) It's because it's more fun that way. I can't wait for Subaru to $# %! Kamui! And then he would #%*&^ Kamui and $#&*%^ Kamui! Bwahahaha!
Kamui: (*mumble*) I can't believe I'm hearing something so vulgar right now.
Host: So, Ren-san, what do you think of this emo pairing then? Are you satisfied with the development for now? Ren-san? Ren-san? Are you okay there?
Ren-sama: (*having nose bleed from too much wild imagination*)
Subaru: (*not far from them, up in the tree; just outside the room's balcony*) I think I know who to feed the Sakura tonight.
Ren-sama: (heard Subaru) No! Sakurazukamori-sama! I'll keep quiet about my dirty thoughts! So please don't let Sakura-san eat me! (hid behind Kamui)
Kamui: You should endure for now, Subaru. The people will get angry if the author suddenly disappeared mysteriously with just a chapter of accomplishment.
Ren-sama: Yes, you tell him, Kamui!
Kamui: We'll just use Ren for now.
Ren-sama: I heard that. (and to the host) And you, who're you? I thought it's my corner? Why are you the host? I know you're handsome and all but…
Host: (*blush*) …
All: Please R&R! And please NO flames!
Ren-sama: And please SeiSu fans, don't kill me! I really, really love SubaruXKamui pairing than any other pairing in X. ˆoˆ
Kamui: Who're you talking to? We're just in your room, you know.