FIND OUR WAY BACK
A Gossip Girl Fanfic
Pairing: Chuck and Blair (With NS)
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.
Chapter 1: Why
How many times, do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things, I've done?
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut?
That's why it hurts so bad, to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
-"Why" Annie Lennox
"I know what you did Blair," Chuck said, his calm voice a strong contrast to the fury in his eyes. "It's despicable even for you. Do you hate me so much you can't stand to see me happy?"
"No," Blair responded, not knowing how to continue, but searching for the words desperately. Why was it that Chuck was the only one who could make her tongue-tied?
"So why did you drive the person I care most about out of town?" Now the anger was all over his face and pulsating through his voice.
Blair just looked at him. She wanted to tell him the truth, but after he called Eva the person he cared most about, she just couldn't.
"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Chuck sneered. "Is this your revenge for what I did? Because I thought we were past that now."
"How could you ever think that?" Blair yelled, not bothering to mask the fury and hurt she was feeling. "You really think that I've already forgiven and forgotten? That I ever could? But that's not even the reason I did what I did."
"Well, please enlighten me then, Blair." Chuck was quickly losing patience, judging from the glances he was throwing at the elevator.
"It wasn't fair. You trade me for a hotel and end up happy with a new, perfect girl in only a few months, and what do I get? A summer in Paris during which all I could think about was you, and a living hell when I return to New York. Complete misery."
"So you did this because you were jealous of Eva?" Chuck was intrigued now; Blair could tell. But while she certainly had his attention, she didn't like the hint of amusement she saw in his expression.
"No!" She shot back.
"Then, why? Because I hate to break it to you Blair, but life isn't fair."
"I know that better than anyone, Chuck," Blair said, wondering how much more she was willing to share with him tonight, how much more she could handle sharing. "But we're a little closer to fair now, seeing as we're currently both miserable. I lost you, and you lost Czech Barbie."
"So you expect me to accept this, be okay with it? Because I hurt you, I should just rollover when you hurt me back?"
"No... Maybe. It's just that you hurting me didn't stop with the hotel or with Jenny. You've been perfect with Eva. You buy her a fancy watch worth more than anything you ever bought me, take her to the best restaurants and events, parade her around like she's a princess and treat her like one…better than me. That's what people are saying on Gossip Girl, at least."
"And you care what people on Gossip Girl think?"
"You know I do," Blair responded defensively. "Especially when I agree with them. But what you do isn't even the worst of it." Blair's voice changed into something bitter and above all, heart-wrenchingly sad. "It's what you say that hurts the most."
Blair lowered her eyes and peeked periodically at Chuck, wondering if he would immediately know what she meant, or if this summer apart had weakened his ability to read her thoughts.
"I don't know what you're referring to, Blair, but I'm sure you'll tell me." Blair had her answer. Chuck clearly didn't know. This was her last chance to hold back like she had since Paris, but she felt the words slipping off her tongue despite her reservations.
"Tonight you said that Eva helped you turn your life around. You've said that she saved you in more ways than one, that she made you into a man you were proud to be… All I did for two years, Chuck, was try to do those things for you, and Eva is able to do it in two months? I loved you, and all I wanted was to save you and make you happy, but I just ended up destroying myself. So, yes, I put your passport in her bag. And if you hate me for it, fine. I'd rather you hate me than feel nothing toward me at all, which is what you've seemed to do ever since we left Paris. And maybe you wouldn't have said those things if you'd known how they would affect me, but it seems more likely that you just didn't care enough to consider my feelings at all." Blair could feel her heart pounding and her chest rapidly rising and falling as she spilt over in emotion.
"I've said all I needed to. I think you know the way out," she finished in a voice she hoped sounded strong. She didn't look up to see Chuck's face as he walked away. She didn't want to know what he was thinking or read the emotions in his dark eyes, because she was too scared that they would make her wounds even deeper than they already were. It wasn't until she heard the soft "ding" of the elevator that she let the first tear fall silently down her cheek.
This is the joy, that's seldom spread
These are the tears, the tears we shed
This is the fear, this is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years, that we have spent
And this is what they represent
This is how I feel, do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
Until next time - xoxo