I have no idea who owns this. Tampax, maybe. My Psychologist, definitely. Icy, SM? If they want credit, okay.

This is my 3rd and final installment in the 50 trilogy. I know. But seriously, my mind can't take anymore crack. I have a problem and I'm taking steps to get help. I promise. This is not beta'd. EL didn't take the time to have her crack fic, I mean book, beta'd so why should I? I wouldn't put anyone through that anyway.

Warning: Do not drink while reading. I will not pay for a new laptop.

Whisker Biscuits POV AKA Va Jay Jay

50 Shades of Shame

The giant penis is back with his pubic hair of doom.

Pretty Bronze locks my ass!

Have you ever been smacked repeatedly by a frizzy afro over your entire body? Those little hairs get into every tiny crack I have.

The love nub complains daily... Greedy Bitch. She enjoys my torture.

"We all do," If the ovaries could smirk they would.

I can feel him knocking at my puckered hole again. Never a tap, always a...




He's a real charmer.

Ever thought of bringing a vagina some cherry scented lube? Maybe a nice floral covered condom? You know, romance a whisker biscuit every once in awhile.

I like pretty things too. I don't want to have to stare at his Tampon Intimidator all the time.

It only brings back memories.

"You and those tampons."

"I think she enjoyed the cotton on her cooter."

"And she calls us whores."


Somedays I wish I had teeth.

Vampire Vagina.

"Oh yes! Suck on the penis!"

"I'd bite it off!"

I'd need a cape.

"Don't you dare bite the penis warrior!" The ovaries gasp at me and the G Spot cackles.

He's completely destroyed my well oiled walls.

I can feel the whore above me shudder and moan again. She needs to try talking. I mean really. It sounds like a dying swan out there.

"Have you ever been fisted Ana?" Christianward needs to shut his mouth.

If his face comes down here again, I'm spitting on him.

"I'll kill her!"

"Oh! We're gonna have a party!"

"A fisting party!"

I try furiously to close my hole when I feel his finger try to tickle me. Do I look ticklish?

"INCOMING!" The love button screams her warning at me.

The ovaries, of course are begging for him already. If they had knees they'd be on them with their mouths open wide all damn night.

Like I want to push a baby out of this. He's already trying to ruin my beef curtains.

My poor bruised babies. All puffy and burning.


I bet he gave me a disease. The ovaries don't care though.

Rose and Alice want anything he'll give them. They've even made friends with his coin-purse, Emmett and Jasper.

"You shut your whore mouths, you hear me?" There is an echo and they giggle.

As it is they already sing to him. As soon as they smell him they start their shit.

"I wanna sex you upppp... allllll night!"

Speaking of his smell, I'm pretty sure he had asparagus for dinner.

He has no respect for my pink pouty lips or my heaving love muscled walls.

In. Out. In. Out.




"Oh Christianward," Anabella, the one who owns us is moaning again.

"KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED!" I try but only air comes out and I know she's blushing.

So I queefed. That doesn't mean I'm not a lady!

I'd like a little tender love and care, ya know? The asshole gives me the finger instead though.

What the fuck is that all about?

It's not like I abuse his meat muscle.

"Just open your blowhole and take the finger FiftyGrey penis Warrior is offering"

"Take it. TAKE ALL OF IT!"

"Come here to mama!"

Ana's a whore. A dirty filthy Penis of Doom loving WHORE! I can't trust her decision making skills anymore. Or the others I'm forced to house.

This Itchy Twitchy Twat is getting overcrowded.

I need to learn how to shut my clammy ham cavern curtains soon. He'll destroy me.

She's already starting the construction for him.

Anawhore shaved me. She knows I get cold.

"It's the Penis Warriors Slip N Slide. Let him play."

"I think it hides that weight you gained."

"He beat my flappers. I'm swollen. NOT FAT!"

"Of course you are honey."

"Have you seen how much she swallows?"

"I know! Water weight my ass."

She completely ruined my winter coat. Christianward likes it.

That's right. "We" do what the penis warrior says now. He snaps his penis and we open our pink taco like a twenty four hour motel.

We don't even get paid. Cheap ass penis. His wallet's tighter than his ass.

I'd like to shave him. Let him feel some hot wax on that overly exaggerated penis of his.

She's let him yank Cullen away from me. I didn't even get a warning yank.


Poor thing is probably somewhere in the sewer crying. And for what? So he could stick his man pickle in her poultry pouch?

Oh I see a nail. Fucking finger found an entry.

"How do I look?"

"Like a tramp."


I wonder if I'm lined in gold somedays.

I mean my love cave drips sometimes, but he seems to really like it. Or at least his pink flounder double pounder does.

Is there a difference though? I'm sure if he could fit his face in here he would.

I'm not a rubber band ya know. You can't just rough house me and I'll snap back.

"Should we prepare the anus?" I hear one of the ovaries whisper to the other and my eyes bulged.

"You're evil bitches!"

"Let him in!"

"And wreck my baby cave? I think not!"

"But he's THE Penis!"

"We need him!"

"You need to be muzzled!"

"Will the penis do it?"

"Oh yes please!"

"She's just grumpy cause she's had work done."

"I know. Did you see the G Spot?"

"The bruising? Definitely had work done."

The finger peaks in again.





Fucking thing needs to make up his mind. It doesn't even feel good.

"Don't you do it!"

"Hey I can't stop it."

And the blush is back.

"He shouldn't have pushed all that air in here."

"You are NO lady!"

"He's never gonna wanna come back now!" They are both crying but the finger plunges in again.

"I see what you did there." He can't fool me though.

"You're no tampon!"

"Fuck those tampons. Cock blockers."

"Where the hell is the cervix?"

"I'm ignoring you all."

"You think we can fit Jasper and Emmett in here?"

"Give it time." The cervix opens her gutter mouth again.

"Those sweat sacks will come no where near my baby cave."

"I miss the penis butter."

She's moaning again and I'm praying he'll only ask for a blow job.

If we get any looser Alice and Rose will start talking about double penetration and I don't think I'd survive.

"Let's hope not!"

There is mumbling and the ovaries grow eerily quiet and the finger stops it's attack.

I don't like the quiet.

"Damn and I was just enjoying it."


"Shut up I'm sensitive."

"Now you made the G Spot pout."

"Make you feel like a big woman, Bertha?"

I take back what I said. I miss the quiet.


"He came back for us."

"Look. Look! I can see his eye."

I can just make out his moisture missile at my puckered opening and I glare.

"Hello Ladies!" Rico Suave Penis.

"We're closed."

He winks. I think I'm gonna vomit.

"If you spit in here I'll claw that eye out."

"Let's make love, beautiful."

"How about I stick something in that hole of yours. See how you like it?"

"Oh pick me. Pick me!"

"I like it rough baby!" Stupid Penis.

He creepy penis smiles to me and I cringe.

"You're so wet for me, Ana" He mewls.

"Only for you," HA! You'd get for a paper bag if I wanted you too!

"Oh Alice we're about to have the sex!"

"I miss her hymen." I sigh. He was such a champ.

"Grant the Bald Avenger entrance to your nappy dug out."

"Yes. Let me in your sausage wallet, love."


I try clamping down but it only makes them both moan.

"Oh god! The hair. He's smothering me! HELP!" Love Nub is screaming for her life.

"He trimmed!" The penis tells her.

"I have a pube in my mouth. It's in my mouth."

"Do you see what you did to her?"

"No. All I see is the hole I'm about to own."

"You'll never take me alive."

There is no warning. All the air is sucked out of my panty hamster and I weep.

"Yes penis warrior. We are worthy!"


The G Spot mounts rodzilla and is going at him like a bitch in heat.


I'm stuck. I gasp for air when he leaves and heave when he returns.

"Embrace him Vagina!"

"Milk his handle!"

I refuse. And the Penis Warrior smiles against me.

"I AM BEAVER HEAR ME ROAR!" I queef like my life depended on it.

He pushed air in I push it out.

"You okay, Ana?"

"I don't know what's going on,"

"You're making her blush."

"Oh he left Penis Warrior in here."

"Hi, Pretty!" Both the ovaries are flashing their goods at him now.

He's thrusting the womb broom in again and again. I'm not impressed.

It's like a horrible carnival right. Jumbo the Penis coaster.

"Worship the Penis. Don't shut him out!"


I feel Ana shudder and I can't stop my walls from following.

"I'm going to be sick."

"It's called coming you."

"Or he gave me a disease and I'm leaking."

"I'll give you leaking," The penis purrs and I try to kick him with my cave.

"Don't do it."

"Sing to me ovaries."

"Oh god, Not the singing."

"Give us your love butter penis warrior."

"It's bout to be a sexual eruption." Was that Snoop Dogg?

"Relax. It's just mood music."

"HELP ME!" I'm rocking now. I need air.

I think a pube got stuck in here.

"You ready for me baby tankers?"

"Give it to us big boy!"

"Where's a razor when I need one?"

He explodes then. Apparently Penis Warrior likes my dirty talk.

"Now you've tainted my baby cave." I cry and he smiles from his tiny hole.

I vow to hide a pencil in here and shove down his hidey hole next time.

"I'll be back for more, cock pit" He winks as he's pulled out.

I take a deep breath and heave.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" The ovaries are giggling again and I vow to sever their ties to this body.

"It was so hard," I cry.

"I know!" Dreamy bitches.

"You'll all pay for this."

"Maybe he'll come back and spank us."

"Oh I want to be punished!"

"Kill me."

You guys are awesome for letting me mess with your minds. Thank you everyone who quotes this and reads this. You are all fabulous and I love you.

I'd also like to thank einfach_mich who gave me the idea for a vagina POV.

Show me some love okay?