AN: i dont own twilight ...
"Alice what do you have packed?" I asked. Alice was me best friend, has been since I first moved here when I was about eight. When I moved to forks, Alice was the only one who didn't treat me any differently; she didn't look at me as if I was a freak of some kind or an alien. We quickly became friends.
"I have got clothes… and everything done." she said as she looked around, as if she forgot something. "We just have to wait for Emmet to take us to the college." We were going to the college in Seattle. Emmet was her older cousin by two years; he was one of my best friends, quickly after Alice introducing us Emmet quickly took a brotherly role for me. He came down from the college to take me and Alice to it. "Have you spoken to Mike or Edward since Friday night?"
"Mike is fine, angry, but fine or so I've heard, I haven't spoken to him," I sat as I sat next to her on her bed and lay next to her.
she took a sigh, "Bella—," I quickly cut her off.
"No! Edward had not right to punch im, much less three times! It was only a date, Edward needs to realize he doesn't own me," Edward was Alice's older brother by two years. Edward has been a friend since I've been here, too. We instantly clicked. But as soon as we got out of high school, he changed. He changed into the person he still is today, someone who thought they owned me, and though, somehow, I belonged to him in every sense of the word. While, he thought this, he believed it was ok for him to go out and party, make out with random strangers, while I couldn't. I got to sit next to Alice or Emmet and these parties, never was I allowed to take to other men. If I had, the man I was found talking to was punished as if I was cheating on Edward with him. High school was worse.
"Bella, you know Edward only does what he thinks is right for you, you know that," she looked at me seriously. She made these excuses for him, every time something similar like this happened.
"Alice he punched my date, three times, gave him two bruises. And made him bleed. When he did absolutely nothing wrong but walk me to my door, so he could say good night after our date. He also broke into my house, while, my dad was away and waited for me and my date to come home, so he just could beat the shit out of him. Alice, please tell me anything justifies it?" I looked at her seriously. Alice had always thought of Edward as golden, and defended him constantly.
"Edward is Edward. He always reacts like this way for you, you know that," She contemplated.
"I don't know hwy thought, im not even dating him, I never have," we were friends, but when ever he did do or say something that made me think of it as more, the next day I saw him with a different girl, or making plans to go n a date. When I was spending the night at Alice's, I took my room over there, it was called the guest room, but everyone knew it was technically my room. Late at night Edward would come and sleep in the room, with me wrapped in his arms. At about 5 in the morning he would wake up and go back to his room. He did that from ages 14 to 17; he never said anything, when he did it we just laid there quiet, until he told me his good byes in the morning. I never pouched the subject or the day that followed to he continued this for 3 years.
"It's obvious of his feelings for you, you know," Alice nudged my shoulder pulling my out of my trance.
"Alice if had or has even the slightest but of feelings for me, he could've or should've said something. I mean, its Edward, he could've had any girl in the whole school. If he wanted or wants me he could say something."
"He could be just shy," she sighed.
I gave her an 'are you kidding me' face, "this is Edward we are talking about, Mr. Spontaneity," I shook my head, "Mr. i-have-no-filter-so-i-say-anything-to-any-one-i-want."
she chuckled, "you never know,"
"I don't know, I mean its not like I punched Tawnya because he has dating her, yet, guys who just want to be my friend have to go through Edward 'tests', like nay of them passed."
"His feelings…" she thought about what I had just said for a second. "What do you mean tests?"
"Edward had any guy that wanted to know me in any way take three tests, written, oral, and physical. There were about 16 candidates, and none of them passed."
She gasped. "No!" I nodded, "how did you find out?"
"one day I was going through his stuff, looking for a book I lent him and found a black binder with the words 'tests' on it. I opened it and there were about 50 pages, neatly typed up and what not." I laughed.
"Do you think he still had it?" she whispered.
"Probably," I shrugged.
she got up and tiptoed over tot eh door, "come one,"
I got up and followed her up the third flight of stairs. There only two rooms up on the third floor, Edward's and the guest room. We got quieter as we came closer to his room at the end of the hall. We slowly opened it. We both weren't sure what time Edward would come home from hanging out with Emmet. I pulled her towards the other end of his big room, over to his book shelf. Sure enough on the top shelf there it was, the black binder, I pulled it out and on the cover it sat 'tests'.
We both giggled like 13 year olds, "open it," she whispered, we turned our backs to the door and opened it.
"Look," I said and point to the first page.
'HE MUST BE:'
Then it listed a bunch of attributes that im sure only about 10 people in the state of Washington could fulfill. We flipped through the printed pages, then something caught my eye. "Wait, a whole page has been added." we both looked closer to read it.
"What are you two doing here?" we heard his velvety voice behind us.
We instantly froze. Looking at each other, Alice closed it and put behind her back and then turned. I turned too.
"Nothing," We both said too innocently, I finally looked at him. I hadn't in 4 days. His eyes red and he had light purple under his yes from not getting any sleep. He still looked hot, though. His hair was his usual mess.
"Why were you in my room?" he looked at both of us, "why?" he looked up, when he saw the empty very noticeable empts ace in the corner, he instantly became rigid, his jaw clenched. His hands were in fists. He came closer, "give it to me Alice," He said in a rough tone.
Alice handed it over, "Oh, would you look at the time, I have to cal jasper," she looked at her invisible watch then slid by Edward. Jasper was he boyfriend of 4 months, also a friend. "Come on Bella," she said.
"No, I want to talk to Bella," he said only looking at me.
after mouthing an 'im sorry' Alice left, and shut the door behind her.
He took a step closer; Edward never had space boundaries with me he was like this ever since he changed. "How long have you known about," he whispered.
"since I was 16," I said in a defensive tone.
"Hmmm. . ." He said.
"Why?" I asked.
"I wanted to make sure that the men in you life had the right intentions." He shot back.
"What if I didn't want you checking?" I said in the same tone.
"I really don't care," he was angry.
"I did!" I almost yelled, "I don't like you meddling, you need to realize that I am a big girl, I don't need." I slid passed him and he followed.
"I didn't or don't care if you need me, no guy is coming near you if he has the wrong intention." I turned.
"Edward I am 18, I thing I can handle myself and boys,"
He came and pushed me up to the door. "I don't think you understand," eh paused, "I don't care,"
"Fine, your broken heart, your problem," he spat at me.
"One broken heart is better then only having 3 guy friends in high school,"
Then all of a sudden he kissed me, long and hard, his lips sent shivers up and down my spine, he liked the bottom lip asking for entrance, I gave him it, I moaned into his mouth. Our tongues danced together. Finally he pulled away.
"He passed," he whispered.
"What?" I asked confused.
"Newton, I called him yesterday to give him the test, and just went over for the physical test. He passed."
I was instantly pissed, he continued to meddle in my life even after wheat just happened, I pushed him away, "Edward, I don't give a fuck," He looked at me confused.
"You don't care that he passed?"
"No," I said seriously, "I don't,"
"There can be an 'us'," he came closer.
I did too. "Edward, "I whispered then became louder, "no," his smile dropped. "You had you chance, you had almost 10 years of chances. You threw it away for one of your whores, so don't expect me to take you in with open arms." I was surprised by how our conversation had turned.
"I want a chance," he scooted closer.
I took a step back, "I don't want you near me, and you don't know how much it hurt me, when you say it was over with her, I wanted so badly to believe you, so I let you in, knowing the next day I would wake up missing you. When the one you love is in love with some one else, don't you know its torture I mean it's a living hell. No matter how hard I try to convince myself this time I won't lose control. My heart couldn't tell you no. but now It can," I took a step to the door. "You don't love me the way I love you," I whispered.
"Bella, I always loved you!" he came closer.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked.
"I—i—i-," he stuttered.
"You were a coward! You thought you would get rejected! You thought of what your pain would be. You were scarred of what would happen to you if I had said no!" I yelled.
"Bella-," he got closer.
Before I knew it my fist connected with his jaw. "You were a coward! You were selfish!" he turned back to me from my punch.
"You don't under stand anything!" he whispered, in a harsh tone, his jaw slowly turning purple. "If I was such a coward for not saying anything then, so were you, you didn't say anything, you thought of what would happen to you if you got rejected! So don't call me a coward when if that was the reason I didn't say anything when those were your reasons."
"I was a little kid compared to you, 2 years younger, I thought of rejection constantly! You were afraid you were going to ruin your great reputation you have going on you would lose all that if a little kid said no to you!" I hissed.
"You don't understand!" he yelled.
"Yeah?" I held in my tears, although I was sure I already had them streaming down my face, "Edward if your filled with so much understandment then understand this!" I opened his door and walked out after slamming his door. I ran to my guest room, at the other end of the hall and curled into a little ball on my bed, and cried.
All of my dreams were crushed with in those words. I loved Edward, but if he knew what was best for me, then he should've known from the start that he was best for me. That I needed him.
He should've known that all those years I waited for him, and he never did. But now that he tried I realized that it was because of him that I cried every night, it was because of him, I feared any male attention because I didn't know how to react, It was him that I loved so much that didn't love me back, as much. He deprived me of something that I wanted more then anything. Him.
And because he was scarred if the after math of what could've been rejection and hurt, for him. He didn't try; I was scarred, not ready for rejection. I didn't want my world to crash down because of a few words.
It just did.
it wasn't just him that was a coward, though. it was me, I was afraid of losing a friend, but that shouldn't have stopped me from something i wanted. I didn't realize that then; but i did when I thought it was too late. . .