Title- Reasons Against Denial
Disclaimer- Obviously this belongs to JK, not me, or it would be published and not on FF. Not that I don't love you guys, but I would be making millions. And I'm obviously not. So yeah...
Warning- This is a slash Fic meaning it's boy/boy (Draco/Harry). Don't like? Don't read.
Reasons Against Denial
Draco was eating at the Slytherin table when the mail came. He wasn't really expecting any; his father was in Azkaban and his mother under house arrest, so he was mildly surprised when an owl landed in front of him, holding out a letter. He looked up, took the letter, and the bird flew off without waiting for a reply. "What is it, Drake?" Pansy asked.
"Pans, I haven't even opened it yet, how would I know?" he retorted. He opened the envelope and read:
I would very much appreciate it if you would meet me by the lake tonight; I'd like to talk to you. Be there around 8:45- if you're not there by 9, I'll know you're not coming. But I want you to know I won't give up. Trust me.
There was no signature. "You shouldn't go- "I won't give up," what if they're trying to hurt you?" Pansy freaked.
"How many times have I told you not to read over my shoulder?" he asked. A blush rose to her cheeks and she looked down. Blaise raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Fine, here, let's just all read my mail, it's not like it's mine or anything personal like that," he sighed. Blaise smirked, taking the letter from Draco's hand and reading it over quickly.
"Well?" he asked, looking at the blonde.
"Well what?" Draco said, taking the letter back.
"Are you going to go, or not?"
"Of course he's not!" Pansy interrupted.
"I think Draco's a big enough boy to make up his own mind, Pans," Blaise scolded. They both looked at the other boy.
"It didn't sound that threatening..." he started. Pansy's mouth dropped and her eyes opened wide. "I didn't say I was going," he continued. But both Pansy and Blaise could tell that he had made up his mind, and that he was going.
"I'll go with you if you want," Blaise offered.
"I thought I was old enough to make my own decisions!"
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean that you'll come to the right one," Blaise teased.
"You don't think I should go?"
"Not really," Blaise admitted.
"Ha!" Pansy said triumphantly.
"Too bad it's my decision," Draco replied with a smirk, getting up to go to their next class- the Great Hall was almost empty. "I'm going," he said, closing the conversation from further discussion.
Draco stood by the edge of the lake, looking out at the water. It was exactly 8:45 and his mystery person was nowhere to be seen. Draco sighed; he hated when people were late. /Especially if they picked the time/ he thought irritably. /Maybe the fool got caught trying to leave the castle past curfew/ Just then, he heard a twig snap. His hand instinctively went to his wand, and he lit it, pointing it in the general direction the sound had come from. "I agreed to meet you here without knowing who you are. If this is some kind of a trick, I have friends hiding, covering my back," he bluffed. He was almost starting to regret not taking Blaise up on his offer.
A soft laugh came from his left and he turned to see Harry Potter appear out of thin air, holding a cloak. His grip on his want tightened, but Potter held up his hands defensively. "I've been here for 20 minutes, Draco, you and I both know that's not true," he replied lightly. "But nice try." he walked towards Draco, who didn't lower his wand. "I'm not going to attack you," he said, lowering his hands.
"Then what do you want?" Draco asked suspiciously, but he lowered his wand none the less. The two boys didn't really hate each other anymore, but they weren't exactly friends either.
Harry sat at the edge of the lake and gestured for Draco to do the same. Reluctantly, he complied. "I told you, I wanted to talk to you."
"I knew you had an invisibility cloak," Draco muttered under his breath. "So why all the secrecy- the cloak, no signature?"
"I didn't know if you'd agree to meet me."
Draco waited for him to continue, say whatever it was he wanted to tell him, and when he didn't, Draco sighed. "Well? What did you want to tell me?"
"I know you're gay," Harry replied calmly, not looking at the other boy. Every muscle in Draco's body tensed. He hadn't told anyone he was gay. Ever. And he hadn't planned to. He was Draco Malfoy for Merlin's sake! He was supposed to marry a pure blood witch and carry on the Malfoy name! So he hadn't told anyone, not even his friends, and especially not his parents. "I don't mind," Potter continued. "I am too."
In spite of himself, Draco laughed. "Yeah, no kidding."
"Only Hermione and the Weasleys know. Is it that obvious?" Draco very nearly said "For someone who knows what to look for," but that sounded like he watched the Chosen One, so he just agreed. He didn't know where Potter was going with this. Neither boy said anything for a long time. They sat in a semi-comfortable silence, watching the sun sink over the trees.
"It's getting dark," Draco stated, shifting to get up. "We'd better go back."
"No!" Harry replied, grabbing Draco's wrist before hastily letting go again. "I... I wanted to tell you..." he trailed off, looking at the ground.
"Yes?" Draco said, a bit impatiently.
"I..." Harry took a deep breath. "I fancy you," he breathed out.
"I- You- Excuse me?"
The brunet took another deep breath. "I fancy you," he repeated, a bit more confidently this time, looking up to meet Draco's eyes.
Draco's mind was reeling. This couldn't be happening. "No. You can't. We can't," he said, shaking his head. "I can't." He caught the look of pain on the other boys face as he got up. This time Harry didn't stop him.
As he went back to the castle, he heard Harry say, "I won't give up."
But he wasn't followed.
Once inside the castle, Draco half-ran to the Room of Requirement. He needed time to think, some place he wouldn't be disturbed. The Room was decorated in Slytherin green with silver accents. Apparently he needed to stay the night, because there was a bed in the center of the room. He looked around and smiled slightly when he saw the bathroom; it was so much easier to think in the shower. Draco walked into the bathroom, turning the water on so it filled the room with steam. He took what must have been the longest shower he had ever taken in his life, but the Room kept the water hot. He stepped out, dried off, and pulled on a clean pair of boxers that the Room had materialized out of nowhere while he had been in the shower. He figured he wouldn't be able to sleep, but he must have been more tired than he realized. He lay down in the bed and slipped into a quiet sleep.
When Draco woke up, he was glad it was a Saturday- no classes. /Blaise and Pansy probably thing I'm dead/ he thought. But hat thought was quickly replaced by another- last night. How had Potter known he was gay? What was with all that "fancying" rubbish? Was it true? /No/ Draco decided. /Anyway, it doesn't matter. Even if I fancied him too, we could t act on our feelings. That's disgusting/
Ever since Draco had realized he was actually gay, he'd been having a bit of an identity crisis. He had been raised in a house that hadn't specifically said being homosexual was sinful, but he knew what he was expected to think. He had barely talked to anyone when he had first figured it out- he was fighting an internal battle that couldn't be voiced. He had come to the conclusion that if no one knew and he didn't act on it, he wasn't doing anything wrong. Then the Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Bloody-Die came along and shattered that resolution.
Draco sighed. He should probably let Blaise and Pansy know he was alright. He got up, pulled on his clothes, and walked out. Just outside the door was a piece of paper, he picked it up and read:
I'm sorry if I caught you by surprise last night, I didn't mean to. I promise I won't tell anybody about you- that's your decision. But as I've told you, I won't give up. I think that you could fancy me, there's just something in the way. I hope to find that something.
There was no formal signature, but it wasn't needed. /So Potter really plans to keep up with this? What was in it for him?/ The thought that Harry was being honest hadn't really crossed his mind. He always had his guard up now, blocking himself from any potential pain or betrayal. It was what the war had done to him.
Draco sighed, realizing he had been standing there, staring at the note, for at least five minutes. He folded it back up neatly and slipped it in his back pocket, heading for the Great Hall. It was still early enough that there should be some food left out. Almost as soon as he walked in he realized two things. One: Blaise and Pansy weren't there. Two: Saint Potter was. He thought briefly that he could turn around before he was noticed, but dismissed the idea when Potter looked up. He cursed under his breath and sat down next to Theo. "Hey," he greeted the other Slytherin boy.
Theo looked up. "Hey, Draco. You're not usually this late, to, well, anything. Everything alright?"
/No, not really/ he thought. All he actually said though was yeah. He could tell Theo knew he was lying, but he didn't pry. That's what Draco liked about Theo, he was very good at reading people- he could tell something was wrong, but he could also tell Draco didn't want to talk about it.
They ate in silence. Draco could feel Harry staring at him, but he refused to look up and meet the other boys eyes. Part of him wondered what he would see if he did. If he had had the courage to look, his eyes would have met green ones full of concern and hope. And if he had looked hard enough, he would have seen the love behind them too. But he didn't look up.
When he finished, he nodded at Theo, giving him a small smile, and the other boy nodded back as Draco left. To his relief, Potter only followed him with his eyes. He went straight to the Common Room, muttering the password under his breath.
"Draco!" Pansy exclaimed as he walked in.
"Pansy, I'm sure he's-" Blaise started, but she pushed past him, wrapping Draco in a hug.
"I was so worried something had happened!" she said, pulling back. "What's wrong?" she asked, noticing the look on his face.
He had been thinking about Potter again and mentally kicked himself for it. "Nothing, I'm fine." Seeing her speculative expressions, he added, "Really, Pans, I am."
"So who was it?" Blaise inquired.
"You were gone all night! Where were you? Who wanted to talk to you, and what did they want? What happened?" Pansy questioned, her suspicions still strong about Draco's well being.
"I appreciate your concern, but I really don't want to talk about it, okay?" Catching Pansy's eye, he added, "Nothing happened, we just talked. I swear; I'm fine. I just don't want to repeat it."
"Drake, obviously something is wrong, wh-"
"Pansy, leave him alone. He's a big boy, remember? He can take care of himself," Blaise interrupted. Draco caught the other boy's eye and mouthed thanks before heading up to his dorm. He shared a room with Goyle, Blaise, and Theo. Goyle was doing homework on his bed when Draco walked in. After the war, he had really started paying attention to his studies.
"Hey, Draco," he said, looking up. "You look terrible."
"Thanks, mate," Draco replied sarcastically, toeing off his shoes and flopping down on his own bed. Goyle didn't say anything else, sensing the other boys bad mood, and when back to his work.
Draco lay on his back with his hands under his head, blankly staring up at the ceiling. Potter had shattered his whole world last night, and he was at a loss of what to do. There was a small part of him in the back of his mind that didn't think it was that bad. When he closed his eyes, he saw green eyes full of pain and determination behind round glasses. He saw dark hair and sun-kissed skin. He saw that smile, heard his name falling from those lips. /No/ he thought, /No, that's not right. You can't think like that/ When had he started thinking about Potter, of all people, like that.
Draco heard the door open and close, and Blaise ask Goyle to "give them a few minutes." Goyle grunted and left. He didn't open his eyes as Blaise pulled the curtains of his bed back and sat next to him. "Draco," he said.
"I'm not in the mood, Zabini, go away," Draco mumbled.
"Something happened." No answer. Blaise could tell Draco was really frustrated, but he knew how to handle it. "Draco, tell me something. What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Blaise didn't respond, he just sat patiently next to Draco, waiting for him to talk about it. Draco sighed, realizing Blaise wasn't going to let this one go, and sat up. Both boys were now sitting cross legged on Draco's bed, facing each other. "Fine, what do you want to know?" he demanded irritably.
"Who was there?"
"Potter," Draco replied, seeing no point in lying over that.
"Really? What did he want?" Blaise asked, instantly curious.
"I'm not telling you that, Blaise."
Blaise looked at the other boy for a long time, studying his face. "He crushed you," he said after a while. "Whatever you're telling me and Pansy, you're not okay, and I don't like it."
"He just brought up something really personal, that's all." seeing Blaise's expression, he added, "Something I really don't want to talk about."
"Was it about your family?" he asked carefully.
In spite of himself, Draco chuckled. "No, Blaise, not really."
The other boy hesitated, then nodded. "I know what it was then," he said quietly.
Draco looked up, malice in his eyes. "I highly doubt that."
Blaise held his hands up, much like Harry had done last night. "Easy, Drake. I've known for three years and it doesn't bother me. I haven't told anyone yet, why would I now?"
"Three years? That's twice as long as I've known myself!" he exclaimed.
Blaise shrugged. "It was just a guess at first. Then you shut yourself off from the world for a while and that's when I really knew. I'm assuming that's when you realized it too?"
"Yeah," Draco said, not meeting his friend's eyes.
"Draco, look at me." the blonde grudgingly looked up. "What did Potter say to you?" Draco closed his eyes, not able to bear looking at his friend. When he didn't respond, Blaise made assumptions. "That bastard. Isn't he gay too? How dare he say anything to you about-"
"Blaise, he didn't yell at me or anything like that..." Draco interrupted.
"Did he touch you? That pervert-"
"Blaise, stop jumping to conclusions!" Draco nearly shouted.
"What the bloody hell did he say then?"
"He... He told me that... He... Fancies me..."
Blaise's jaw dropped, and his eyes were full of shock. "Are you serious?" Draco nodded. "Well... Do you fancy him?"
"Ugh! Blaise! No! That's disgusting! I'm gay, but I don't act on it!" he exclaimed.
Now Blaise looked confused. "You... You're going to ignore it?"
"Obviously. What would my parents say?"
"It doesn't matter what they think, Drake. Being gay isn't just something you can ignore; it's who you are..."
"Well, I don't want to be gay. I had decided if no one knew and I didn't act on it, that it's acceptable. That's why Potter is such a problem."
Blaise was frowning at him now. "Being gay isn't a problem..."
"It is. I'll thank you not to bring this up ever again, to anyone," he said, looking at the other boy expectantly.
Slowly, Blaise nodded. "I won't say anything." But in his head, he was already working out ways to push the two boys together.
"I'm going to lunch early, care to join me?" Draco asked.
"Yeah... I'll be up in a minute," Blaise responded. After Draco left, he found a piece of paper and wrote out a quick note.
He can't be with you if he doesn't accept himself as he is. Our password is lacewing. Don't trash our Common Room/ dorms.
He slipped the letter in his back pocket for now, smiling a smile worthy of any Slytherin. Luckily, Draco and Pansy had already started up to the Great Hall, so Blaise took the long way, passing the Gryffindor Common Room in hopes of seeing the brunet. He saw him just as he was about to walk into the Great Hall. "Harry!" he shouted, trying to catch the boy's attention.
He was with Ron and Hermione, as to be expected. The Savior and Ginny had just never really gotten back together after the war, though they stayed close friends. Almost everyone knew he was gay, but nobody said anything about it.
"Blaise," he nodded respectfully.
"Can I talk to you alone for a minute?" Harry nodded again at Ron and Hermione's questioning looks, and they walked into the Great Hall. Blaise looked around at all the people passing by for lunch, then back at the boy in front of him. "Perhaps somewhere a bit more private?"
"Alright," Harry responded skeptically. "Follow me." Blaise did and was led to a passageway he never knew existed. It was sort of cramped and dark, but it worked. Harry looked at him expectantly.
"I talked to Draco," Blaise stated. The brunet closed his eyes and his head fell, hitting the wall behind him. "No, it's not like that," he amended. "I don't care or anything. I... I actually think you'd be good for him..."
Now Harry perked up. "You think so?" he asked eagerly.
"But it'll be complicated... He... Well, he doesn't really approve of his being gay... He's sort of in denial... But I think if you can get passed that, you can help him heal. He's changed a lot since the war, and only some of it has been for the better. He needs someone who can talk to him, support him. I think you'd be good for him," Blaise said honestly. He pulled the letter out of his pocket. "This was in case I didn't run into you, but I guess you can have it now anyway."
Harry took the letter. "Thank you, Blaise. For all of this." Blaise just nodded in response, smiling to himself.
Lunch passed uneventfully for Draco. Harry didn't show up at all, which was odd, because the rest of the trio was there. Not that he payed attention to those things.
But then he went back to the Common Room.
He went up to his form to start on some homework, but he noticed a piece of paper on the foot of his bed. Curious, he picked it up and read:
I told you that I wouldn't give up, but I've realized you have no real reason to take me up on my offer. So each day for the next week (seven is the most magical number, after all) I'm going to give you a reason.
Reason number one: I can help you accept yourself.
That, in my opinion, is a very good reason. You don't realize it now, but when you accept it, you'll be happier. I promise.
Draco sighed; it was going to be a long week.
A long week it was. Each day however, he found himself waiting for the next reason. Sometimes it'd come in the morning, sometimes he wouldn't get it until night. And today was the seventh day. Friday. He didn't have any classes with Harry (when had he started thinking of him as Harry?) today. He went to his trunk and pulled out the letters and re-read the reasons, skipping the first one. He knew them all by heart anyway.
Reason two: I can help you heal after the war.
Reason three: I won't push you past your limits.
Reason four: I can be a safe place- I'll listen to whatever you have to say and help you through tough times. Whatever you need.
Reason five: I have the money to spoil you, if you want me too. If not, I can make that work too.
Reason six: I will fight for you. I can challenge you in almost every aspect. But if you prefer, I'd always let you win.
All of them were addressed "Dear Draco," and signed "Yours Truly." Draco had to admit, they were pretty good reasons. But then there was the voice in his head that told him it was wrong. The voice that yelled at him when he thought about responding. Or when he thought of Harry at all, really. Nobody had ever tried this hard before, and it made him feel good. Special. Worth it. It made him want to accept.
Draco walked into the Great Hall with Blaise and Pansy. Harry had been discreet- he had sent the letters so that his friends hadn't noticed. Draco appreciated that. He was practically bouncing with anticipation for the last reason.
"Don't get me wrong, it's great, but you've been in a good mood all week, Drake, what's up?" Pansy asked.
"I don't know, I just feel good," he responded. If he had looked at Blaise, he would have caught the knowing smirk on the boys face.
"Well, good then, I'm glad, you deserve a little happiness every now and then," she teased. Draco just rolled his eyes, smiling, he took a quick glance over at the Gryffindor table, but the trio wasn't there. /I wonder what they're up to.../ he thought. /It doesn't matter/ the voice replied.
They ate breakfast, discussing the Charms test they didn't review for. The day dragged on painfully slow for Draco, waiting for Harry's letter. After his last class, he headed back to his dorm, only to find the letter in the same spot the first one had been. He eagerly unfolded it and read:
I bet you were expecting the seventh reason. Although, maybe not, you could just be ignoring these letters... Anyway, I want to tell you the last one in person. Meet me in the Room of Requirement when you get this. I'll wait.
Draco sighed, frustrated and conflicted. Of course he wanted to know what the last reason was! But he didn't know if he could bear to hear Harry say it. To know it was really him- a boy- sending him these letters. Obviously, Draco knew it was actually Harry, but it was different; writing a letter, and saying something in person. Not to mention the fact that he hadn't really decided if he liked Harry or not... He still felt so conflicted. /I'll just go to see what the reason is. No commitments/ he thought. /You don't need to know the last reason. It's wrong anyway. So it won't make a difference/ the voice said. /No. I'm going. I need to know/ he thought back, shoving the note in his pocket and heading for the Room of Requirement.
When he got there though, he hesitated. But he had to know. So he pushed the door open, and walked in. He looked around- the walls were the color of caramel, very light. Harry had obviously been pacing between the couch and coffee table, but he was standing still now, staring at Draco. "You came," he said, a grin spreading across his face.
"You left me hanging. I wanted to know the last reason," Draco replied. His voice came out much colder than he intended, and Harry's smile fell a little.
He walked to where Draco was standing, never breaking eye contact. "Do you want to know the last reason?" he asked. He was standing so close to Draco, close enough to touch, and all he could manage was to nod. "Reason number seven," Harry said, "is that I love you. And I want to be with you," he finished quietly, his eyes still locked with Draco's. But Draco couldn't stand it, he looked down. "Please say something," Harry whispered. He took a small step forward and cupped Draco's chin in his hand, making him meet his eyes. "Please. Anything." His voice sounded so desperate.
"How do you do it?" Draco asked, stepping back. He felt the wall behind him.
Harry looked hurt and confused. "Do what?"
"Why don't you?" Harry countered, but almost immediately regretted it.
"Well, I wasn't exactly raised in a very accepting household!" Draco responded, his voice rising, but it cracked at the end. He could feel the tears in his eyes and refused to let them fall. Refused to look up. So he heard, rather than saw, Harry take the few steps toward him. He was expecting him to pull his chin up again, but instead he felt strong arms embrace him, holding him close. He felt the tears spill over, running down his cheeks.
"Shhh," Harry soothed, one hand running up and down Draco's back, the other in his hair. "It's okay. I accept you. It's okay," he whispered into Draco's hair. Despite himself, Draco found his arms go up to Harry's back, pulling him closer.
"My parents..." he started.
"Shh, it doesn't matter. I've got you; it's okay," Harry assured him.
"No, it's not!" Draco said, pulling back to look at Harry. "They're my parents. I'm a Malfoy. I have to marry a pure blood witch and carry on the name. They don't even know I'm... Only Blaise knows, and I didn't even tell him. I-"
"Dray." He stopped, surprised to hear the new nick-name. "Do you fancy me?" he asked.
Draco stated at him. Just stared. For a long time. Harry didn't say anything else, so eventually Draco responded. "Yes," he said, very quietly. So quietly, he barely heard it himself.
"Then it's okay. We'll figure the rest out later, alright?" he asked carefully. Draco nodded hesitantly, still half hysterical. Harry's hands had fallen to his waist and he put his head against the wall, closing his eyes.
"So what are we now?" he asked.
"Whatever you want to be," Harry responded without missing a beat.
He opened his eyes slowly, meeting Harry's green ones. "I want to be yours."
"You already are," he whispered. "Can I kiss you?" he asked tentatively. Again, all Draco could do was nod. He closed his eyes and felt Harry's lips press against his own. He could feel the soft heat, the love, behind that one small kiss. When Harry pulled back, Draco felt like a part of him was missing.
"Don't stop," he whispered, leaning back into the taller boy. Draco decided right then that it was okay to be gay if it felt this good. This perfect. He could feel Harry's heartbeat against his chest, fast, but sure. He wanted that moment to last forever, but they were only human and needed air. Draco's pale features brought out the color high on his cheek bones.
"That was okay?" Harry asked, making sure he hadn't crossed some line.
"That was way better than okay," Draco responded. "That was like a year of doubt and fear and self hatred exploded into bliss. That was perfect." He leaned his head on Harry's shoulder, closing his eyes. He could still feel the kiss on his lips.
"I told you," Harry smirked, gently pulling him to the couch. He laid down and pulled Draco so that they were laying chest-to-chest with his head on Harry's chest, and their legs were tangled together.
"Told me what?"
"That you'd be happier. That was reason number one. I have to admit though; it was much less difficult than I was planning on. When Blaise said you were in denial-"
"Wait- what? Blaise? Like Zabini? Like the boy whom I specifically told never to bring up my sexuality to anyone ever again?" Draco demanded.
"Yep, sounds like him," Harry replied, laughing. Draco's frustration with Blaise melted in that laugh, in the vibrations he could feel in Harry's chest. "How did you think I got the notes into your Common Room?"
"Oh, Merlin, I hadn't even thought of that. I'm going to kill him. I can't believe he talked to you... What the bloody hell did he say?" he asked, now honestly curious.
"Don't be too mad at him- he pushed us together. He said that he thought I might be good for you, but you didn't really accept the fact that you were gay. I have him to thank for reasons one, two, and four," Harry explained.
"He told you you'd be good for me? Really?"
"Yep, and for that I owe him. More than you can ever imagine." Harry ran his fingers through Draco's hair. "I love your hair. It's so soft and beautiful," he said.
Draco blushed a little, but scowled. "It looks like my fathers," he said bitterly.
"No, yours is lighter. And yours is mine, therefore automatically making it better no matter what," Harry responded matter-of-factly.
Draco chuckled. "Ohh, okay then. In that case, I'll have to do something about your mess of hair."
"Go ahead, I've tried everything I can think of already."
"I will, just not now."
"Why not?" Harry asked.
"Too comfortable to get up," Draco said. Harry's arms tightened around him- warm, safe. "Thank you," he said.
"For what?" Harry asked, confused.
"For loving me."
A/N- What do you guys think? I'm pretty sure it's the longest one I've written, and I'm not sure I love the ending... Keep going? Review or PM me! Thanks!