Ok, plot bunny attack, there is no denying it. Thanks in advance for reading! :) Chapter 5.5 of 9M shall be up soon (I have to go out town this weekend, waah)
Thank you to Hepburn my lovely beta! She helps keep me in check with Diana's deities ;)
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.
According to the majority of Diana's go to 'baby websites', pregnancy insomnia is natural and it effects 88% of pregnant women. Dear Hera. Why couldn't she have been in the oh-so-wonderful 12%?
So far, Diana's pregnancy had been anything but abnormal. She had conceded to every symptom in the known universe: Odd cravings, fatigue, nausea and now insomnia. The Amazon warrior, despite her innumerable gifts in regards to her physical makeup, resigned to the fact that she was still, in fact, a woman. Plain and simple. And a very pregnant one, at that.
Diana sighed, closed the browser on her iPad (a gift from Bruce after a few complaints of boredom) and stared up at the ceiling. The ornate ceiling of Bruce's bedroom had one hundred and twenty eight collective inches of crown molding; she had triple checked to be sure. It was among a growing list of things Diana had noted about the monumental estate during sleepless nights.
For example, the home had eighty eight windows, twenty two bedrooms, thirteen fireplaces, ten bathrooms and six chandeliers. Diana's next project involved counting each step, in each staircase. But she was holding off until she absolutely had to.
Through her sleep-free nightly tours, she also decided that the best room, for example, to star and moon gaze from was in the western wing's second floor, in the third bedroom, on the left side. The best for watching the sun rise was most notably Bruce's. That probably wasn't a coincidence.
One very uneventful evening she discovered that the master bedroom across from Bruce's had an owl living above the main windows, in the roof gables. She decided not to tell Bruce and ended up naming the bird. And on another night, Diana could have sworn she once saw a mouse in the kitchen, which she informed Alfred, though he vehemently denied it, crediting his master mice hunting skills.
Last night, Diana's perusal of her home in Man's World led her to the garage. She hadn't spent as much time there as she would have liked, but she did note that it had room to house fifteen cars, all of which fourteen spots were taken. Bruce owned three Aston Martins, four of various different European models Diana hadn't yet memorized, and three Rolls Royces. The latest vehicle was an ivory Maserati Granturismo, which mainly had been purchased because she had once told Bruce that she thought it was pretty. She also ended up naming the car.
A couple of nights ago, Diana surrendered to the library and resigned to studying every picture of Bruce's family she could get her hands on. In addition to that, she made mental notes that Bruce had Thomas's eyes and Martha's mouth. In a strange way, Diana felt closer to her children's late-grandparents, and it made her happy.
But it didn't help her sleep. Nothing at this point brought sleep when she wanted it.
Fervent prayers to Hypnos had been uttered on many an occasion; but Hypos didn't have control over two lively babies who were awake from dusk til dawn. She wondered where they got that from...
By now, it was safe to assume that there wasn't a centimeter of the house Diana hadn't investigated. Her next goal was to tackle and examine every inch of the cave below the house, the domain of the Bat. But that was scheduled for the next evening. She didn't want to get ahead of herself.
Tonight, however, she was reduced to sitting on Bruce's bed (and now hers by default), twiddling her thumbs. Of course, both the Watchtower and the Metrotower were readily accessible, but Diana needed to distance herself from her desire to perform League duties. Because it was getting far too tempting.
Forcing herself to find sleep, Diana closed her eyes and settled comfortably into the mound of pillows behind her. After a few minutes of a desired calming effect someone started kicking. Hard.
Diana's eyes flew open and she groaned. The other personal inhabiting her body copied its sibling and started to kick even harder.
It had been cute at first, but the novelty had worn off. A month ago.
"Go to sleep," Diana proclaimed loudly, directing her voice toward her stomach. At times they responded to their mother's voice, but for the most part they didn't. They both preferred Bruce's voice, and literally jumped when he spoke to them, inducing them into a state of calm that Diana could barely achieve from the two.
Apparently they had spent too much time with their mother, and her effect on speaking to them had whittled away.
Sighing, with twins kicking and bouncing around in her abdomen, Diana switched on the large flat-screen tv positioned before the bed. She looked at the clock; it was midnight and there was a chance Bruce wouldn't be home for another hour or so. Alfred had retired for the evening quite a while ago after serving her once last mug of hot chocolate.
Mindlessly, Diana flipped through the channels. Martha Stewart, no. Sponge Bob, maybe. Fresh Prince, she had seen every episode by now.
Finally deciding upon a late night variety show she was vaguely familiar with, Diana settled back into her pillows and watched the show begin.
The next scene made Diana sit up so fast, the twins at war in her belly quieting down. Before her on the tv screen was a very familiar figure in red and blue. A cast member dressed up as Superman solicited a few chuckles from the audience. Next, Batman strolled up beside the Superman character. Several people in the audience, mainly women, whooped loudly. Apparently Batman had a larger female following than Superman.
Diana blinked a couple times to double check that she was really seeing what she was seeing.
The two superheroes on screen started discussing some sort of crime fighting issue in the most basic of terms. A few pop-culture references were exchanged, going over Diana's head. The audience laughed loudly, and Diana simply stared in shock and confusion. Mainly confusion.
The next scene, Diana would not have expected if she had been given several years in advance to guess: a pregnant Wonder Woman sauntered onto set. Her typical star-spangled regalia was embellished with a very large and very fake baby bump and piece of golden twine looped at her side. The audience's reaction to Wonder Woman overtook Batman's in terms of popularity.
"Wonder Woman, what are you doing here?" Superman asks, dumbly. "You're pregnant!"
"Yeah, you're on maternity leave," Batman growls out. Diana was surprised how well the actor sounds in comparison to the Batman she knows so well.
The 'Wonder Woman', a well-known cast member in a black wig, scowls and places hands on her hips. "Because you guys are doing such a bang up job, I had to come back early."
The audience howls in laughter.
"Won't your boyfriend be jealous that you're hanging out with us?" Superman asks after the laughter quiets down.
"Hey guys! Whassup?" The attractive male host of the evening, a celebrity Diana wasn't all too familiar with, came out wearing a nicely tailored suit and walked up beside Wonder Woman. The audience laughs. Apparently it was Bruce Wayne.
Diana couldn't believe her eyes. She was being parodied! And she was being parodied with none other than Bruce AND Batman!
Superman turns to Batman. "Great, it's Bruce Wayne. I hate that guy," he says in a low whisper.
"You and me both. I have to share a city with this loser," The Dark Knight answers back.
Bruce Wayne is pretending not to hear and grins at the camera before entering a makeout session with his pregnant super girlfriend.
"Jeez, Wonder Woman, get a room!" Superman exclaims.
Batman shakes his head at the display of PDA. "What's with you and billionaires? Who's your next boyfriend going to be? Donald Trump?"
"Shut up, Batman, you're just jealous," Bruce replies before Wonder Woman can.
Batman scowls and turns away from the rest of the group brooding exceptionally well.
Diana, now in tears, couldn't stop laughing. Fumbling with the remote, she finally found the record button so she could re-watch what she was seeing.
"Still, she's better than our replacement," Superman finally says.
"Yeah, though it turns out our replacement is also pregnant," Batman adds.
Wonder Woman crosses her arms in front of her chest, the actress was doing a phenomal job keep a straight face, though the rest of the cast looked like they were on the verge of cracking up. "Oh yeah? And who is my replacement?"
"Hey guys!" A short, orange looking 'woman' shows up, she was in a trashy looking Wonder Woman outfit complete with beehive hair-do and painted on eyebrows. "Sorry I'm late!" Her voice was beyond nasally and whiny.
"Hey Snooki," Batman and Superman say in unison.
"Sup Snooks!" Bruce greets, earning a look from Wonder Woman, who was obviously curious as to why he would be so casual with her.
"You replaced me with Snooki?" Wonder Woman asks, obviously infuriated.
Superman nods. "Turns out she has super powers due to all the UV rays she's soaked up over the years."
"Yeah, so I was in like a frickin' beat down with some chick," Snooki pauses to adjust her hair with her fake nails. "Like someone named like Cheetarah or something..."
Wonder Woman, pushing Bruce aside, strolls over to Wonder Snooki. "Don't you mean, Cheetah?"
Snooki shrugs, "Whatever, I'm not paid to remember."
Batman shakes his head. "You're not paid at all."
Wonder Snooki scrunches up her orange face, "What? You guys never said that..." She then turns to leave. "I'm calling my agent!"
If Diana hadn't found the entire thing so hilarious, she probably would have been slightly insulted.
Wonder Woman on screen gives a sigh of relief and turns to the three men who are giving her their undivided attention. "I'm glad that's over with! Oh and one another thing..."
All four actors turn to the camera and unison shout out: "LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"
Diana was trying to compose herself and had not noticed Bruce had entered the room. He was shirtless and looked as though he had just stepped out of the shower. Apparently patrol was over early.
"I'm so glad you're here! You have got to see this!" Diana rewinds the entire thing for him to watch.
"Oh great, not SNL. Please tell me I wasn't parodied by George Clooney again."