Disclaimer: I do not own CATS the Musical, nor any songs from The Prince of Egypt.
I wish I was popular.
No, I mean, somebody.
No, I suppose that isn't the right word either.
Do you know what I mean? There are just those times where you feel like nobody. But nobody is a stupid term; you can't be a 'nobody', or you wouldn't exist. I know that sounds dumb, but that's just how I feel.
I just wish I were…different. Out there, distinguished…unique. Yes, that's the right word, unique.
For example, Victoria; we all know her as the white kitten, one of the Jellicle tribe's best dancers, sweet and kind. She's defined.
So is Mungojerrie; funny and mischievous. Heck, even Tantomile, who never talks a lot, has a personal trait!
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I'm really there. I can't explain it. Every other cat has something going for him or her. Jemima is the kindest. Old Deuteronomy is wisest. Bombalurina is one of the most beautiful Jellicles in our tribe. Everyone seems defined in his or her own special way.
I don't feel that defined. I feel like I'm some weird mixture of all of them. I can be kind, or so my mother says, graceful at times, quiet, and sometimes even hyper, like Etcetera. But I never feel good about myself.
I'm dull. No one ever notices me. I run and play with my friends, and act like nothing is wrong. But I feel wrong. No, I don't even feel wrong. What's there to be wrong about? I'd rather feel wrong that what I feel now, which is dull and boring.
I wish I had something, something to set me apart from everyone else. A good singing voice, special type of fur, even a certain dance move would do. It doesn't have to be really big; I just want to be defined, different…unique. Maybe even enough so that I have friends.
That's not really true. I do have friends I guess. But that doubt keeps creeping into my mind, are they really my friends? Do they truly care about me, love me? Or do they just pretend to be my friends, so that I don't get my feelings hurt?
I'm lying to myself. I know perfectly well I'm loved. But right now, I don't care about lying to myself. I do it all the time. I want my own personality, enough so that I feel good about myself.
But that's silly, I know it is. It's dreaming, which never helps me. Hope is something that stabs my heart with a knife. It leads me on until I believe I can do anything in the world, be anyone. Then suddenly, I see the light, my paws slip, hope stabs me in the back. That's why I hate Jemima's truthful saying; though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. It's a quote that she heard from a human once. I suppose it makes sense, but that doesn't make is nice to hear. But then, who ever said that the truth was pretty?
I want to crush this hope. Crush it under my paw to make sure that it never hurts me again. I've learned that dreaming and hoping never helps me, only hurts me.
So I wish I was different, better, unique. But I'm not, and one day, I'll stop lying to myself and understand that. Someday, I will actually accept that deep down; I'm only Electra…and she isn't very unique at all.
A/N: Oo, the angst. So, I wrote this almost four years ago but had totally forgotten it until yesterday. Here's the result of some tweaking. So…any thoughts/comments? I'd love to know what you thought of it. :)