Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I do own the comedy.
Shanks had invited almost every single pirate in the world to his grand Grand Line Party of a Lifetime, and he sent cards to the pirates in jail that couldn't make it. For his own safety he forgot to send an invite to the other Yonko expect Whitebeard, and he even sent a postcard to Sengoku saying how big of a bust they marines could've got if they had been there, but only after the party was over. A few of the acts he had planned were just a bunch of almost naked girls dancing around on stage, but the rest were either people showing off their devil fruit powers or just more women. I mean the man planned every little bizarre thing down to what colored shrimp they would be serving.
The lower ranked pirates sat at one side of the coliseum, the Supernovas sat at another, the Shichibukai in the middle, and Whitebeard and Shanks themselves were at the front where the stage was set up for tonight's entertainment. Both men were already starting to become drunk when some member of Shank's crew came to him and quietly told him they didn't have an act after the dancing naked turtle ladies. "Captain what're going to do the cards we sent out said there would be enough grog to last the whole evening so people will have to stay until all the acts have been preformed"? The lad questioned. "Ok whatever your name is listens go around and ask people who is the funniest in this wholes place while drunk". Shanks slurred. "When you find that person bring them around to the backs of the stage and I'll be a waiting there for ya". The unnamed boy quickly ran off to find that person while Shanks staggered around to the backstage.
After a few drinks and a few slaps in the face by a couple of stripper girls the lad finally came back with two people. "Alright captain I found these two men". The boy stated. "Gecko Moria, he's drunk by the way sir, and Doflamingo, who is also drunk". "Gecko you're on Doflamingo get the hell outta here you never gave me that lollipop but you gave me plenty of skittles"! Shanks ranted. "How the hell did I end up inviting you anyways, or was I that's drunk"! The pink pimp left with the boy and nobody saw the lad for the rest of the night, and the Yonko didn't seem to notice that he left.
"So Moria have any talents other than stealing shadows"? Shanks questioned. "Though I'm guessing singing isn't one of them right now". "Wells when I was a teen I used to do some stand-ups comedy, but that was ages ago". Moria said. Shanks downed his drink and grabbed another bottle from a stripper. "Listen leeky I don't care how long ago it was all I needs is for yas to get your ass up there and do something"! Shanks yelled with the bottle in his mouth. "Now gets out there, kicks some asses, bring me back an ice cream cone, and come back a starfish"! Moria then concluded that Shanks was just that drunk, but like hell he was about to tell the one armed man.
The announcer came onto the stage after the dancing naked turtle ladies were done with their act. "Now for the final show tonight we have, um, well, ok we have some stand-up comedy by Moria"! He said. "BTW cover your ears if he's high on helium"! After that guy walked off the stage the crowd grew restless to see what the giant vegetable had in store for them as he staggered into the spotlight with a drink in his hand.
"I'd likes to start off tonights by saying whoever hads the ship with the elephants of the front of it your ship is now underwaters". Moria slurred. "Sorry it was either a close parking spaces for my ship or the safety of yours. Anyways onto the jokes".
"Now this girl I once knew named Nami used to always tell me to stop watching my money and start watching my weight. So one day when I'm watching my weight I find that someone stole all my treasure. Damn girl".
The crowd went wild and some had grog come out of their noses, so Moria went on.
"One day Doflamingo came into this bar carrying Crocodile. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my genitals inside of it. He'll have his mouth closed for one minute, open it, and I'll remove my stuff unhurt. If it works everyone here buys him and I some drinks". The people agree to this. Doflamingo drops his pants and places his privates into Crocodile's mouth. Croc closes his mouth. After a minute, Doflamingo grabs a beer bottle and slams it at the back of Crocodile's head. Croc opens his mouth and Doflamingo's stuff comes out unharmed. Everyone buys him a drink. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who willing to try this". After a while a hand goes up and it's a women. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me with a beer on the back of the head".
Once more the pirates just ate it up.
"Luffy was with two women one night. He could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners".
"You know when I was a kid the most amazing thing happened, as my grandpa put it. The old man found a six-four year old condom in his wallet and said he couldn't wait to try it on grandma".
Shanks was so shocked by that joke he finally concluded that he had too much beer.
"I once knew a person who had a girlfriend and she was pregnant with twins. I told him, "At least now you'll have something else to fill up that empty space next to your girl. Sex and alcohol can't fill that void forever". He said to me, "Yeah I know but they sure as hell can try".
Some people in the crowd began to die of laughter.
"This father wasn't really around a lot when his boy Usopp was a kid and the boy's mother drank a lot to get over the man. When she was yelling at the kid she never did see the irony of calling him a son-of-a-bitch".
Moria even began to crack up at his own jokes.
"Ah children: You spend the first years of their lives teaching them to talk and walk, but when they're teens all you do is tell them to shut up and sit down".
More people stopped drinking and started to listen to the act.
"Some women pirates out there have learned to fake orgasms, but men have learned to fake relationships".
Moria got a bunch of dirty looks from the girls after that.
"I once talked with Sengoku about World Peace. After he was done blabbing I said, "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity".
Although that got girls back with the jokes.
"I also saw Boa Hancock wearing a sweatshirt one time that said "Guess" on the front of it. So I walked up to her and said, "Implants"?
She walked out of the party after that one while blushing like a boy who saw his first naked women.
"An Impel Warden suffers from diarrhea half of the time, but does that mean he enjoys it the other half of the time"?
This caused Shanks to remember that he forgot to send those cards.
"And this is for those out there who can't do it right. If sex is a real pain then you're doing it wrong dumbass! Remember women may not hit hard but they do hit lower. Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. If we're supposed to learn from our mistakes then why do most people keep having more than one child? Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone. Last but not least, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away, Doflamingo"!
Moria finished off the last of his drink and waddled off the stage. The crowd cheered some more for an encore when the announcer came back out. "Sorry ladies and gentlemen but it seems Gecko Moria started to steal some people's shadows and then headed out the door with some red head". He said.
The next morning….
Shanks felt his head smash down to earth as he awoke the next morning in a dumpster, and as he crawled out of it he saw lying next to the thing was Gecko Moria in a dress. Then he recalled their game of poker and their game of truth or dare. "Ah I shouldn't wake the poor guy just yet". Shanks smiled as he went back to his garbage and pirates came around the corner holding cameras.
I've read the reviews and some have said that they wish to have more funny drunk Moria. In which review please and tell me if I should keep writing these kinds of stories.