Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters.
A/N: I decided to write this humor fic to poke fun at all the stuff that has been going on lately. So, without further ado, I give you...
The battle had been over for months. All three of the golden trio decided to head back for their seventh year. A number of things occurred during this time. Hermione and Ron broke up, both realized that they just weren't meant for each other. They decided that a couple fighting was not a good basis for a healthy relationship. During this time Harry and Ginny also separated. Harry wanted to finish school. He originally wanted to become an Auror, but with Voldemort dead, along with most of his cronies. Harry made the decision to become a professor. It helped with the fact that Headmistress McGonagall asked Hermione to be her permanent replacement teaching Transfiguration. It was a no brainier for Harry, he got to be close to his best friend. Ginny, realizing that the two of them had grown apart, decided to end it so she could pursue her carrier as a professional seeker. Last Harry heard she had gotten the starting position for the Harpies. Ron found a similar goal, He became the strategist for the Chuddy Cannons. Weeks into the school year, Harry and Hermione finally realized their feelings for each other. Their romance was the talk of the school, two best friends falling for each other. Nearly a year went by before the two tied the not. Their vows had Professor Flickwick crying so loudly, he lost his balance and fell off of his customary stool. Now readers, we find ourselves at the point of their wedding night. Things are about to get strange...
Hermione tugged hard on Harry's shirt. She stumbled and nearly fell over as she finally got the blasted thing off. Her nails immediately raked his back as he pulled her in close. He moaned and proceeded to nibble on her neck. She gasped and leaned into his kisses.
"STOP!" A loud voice boomed.
Hermione screamed and dove for her shirt. She threw it on quickly, than turned to look at the source of the voice.
"What the hell?" Harry growled. He was seriously pissed now. He hadn't had any nookie in a few years, thanks to Ginny. He really wanted to make this night special for Hermione. He loved her more than anything, but no, just like always, his luck decided differently. In front of the duo stood a tall woman, with a piercing gaze, an upturned nose, and a ridiculous pink outfit.
"Um.. not to be rude. But why the bloody hell are you in our room, on our wedding not no less?" Harry growled.
Hermione quickly scolded Harry for is language. "I agree though Harry," She turned to the woman. "Now, who are you? You interrupted a rather private time for my husband and I."
"You may call me Madam Mod," She said, while standing a little taller. "I am here because you two should not be together, it is not cannon compliant." She said with a huff.
Harry raised an eyebrow, than looked at Hermione, than back at Madam Mod. "You have got to be joking right?," The woman looked insulted. "I mean, sure we didn't follow cannon, but hey? Most fanfic's don't. Or at least this author doesn't... most of the time anyways.." All three glanced at the camera while each shifted nervously.
The woman coughed to get them back on track. "Now, while I cannot change what has already occurred. I am here to make sure you two comply with the new rules," She smiled sinisterly. "Several fics have been taken down due to the horrible things that have been in them."
"Wait, you mean all the adult oriented stuff that was in a lot of M rated fics lately," The woman nodded, Hermione continued. "So, what's the deal? Is their a problem with this fic?"
"Yeah," Harry jerked his thumb at Hermione. "What she said."
The woman sniffed loudly. "I had to come to make sure you two weren't doing anything appropriate on camera for the young readers that may stumble upon this. It is for them that so many M fics have been cast out into the great beyond."
Harry's eyebrow raised again. "Ok, so why not simply cut that out of the story?," He asked. The woman seemed surprised at his question, so he continued. "I mean if you don't want to have the author include it in the story. Why not simply ask him to take that out or not write it at all?"
The woman seemed clearly surprised at this. She opened and closed her mouth several times, giving her the appearance of a fish. Finally, her mouth snapped shut as she made her decision.
"Well, that's not why I'm here. I've come to monitor you two. That way you can't do anything inappropriate."
Harry stared at her with a 'Are you serious?' expression, finally he just had to ask. "So what's appropriate?" He asked.
"Well, for starters you two must not do what you were about to!" She declared with a sinister smile.
"You've got to be kidding me? No S..." "STOP!" The woman yelled before Hermione could complete her sentence. "You must not say that word." She declared.
"Harry stared at her for a moment. OK, what about kissing?," He asked. She shook her head. "Cuddling?" He asked hopefully. Once again, she shook her head.
"Oh this is stupid. Are you telling me we can't even hold hands?" Hermione asked.
The woman held her chin for a moment, seemingly contemplating this. Than she shook her head 'No'
Harry and Hermione looked at each other before summoning their wands. The woman raised her eyebrows in shock.
"No, you can't..."
She didn't get to finish as both Harry and Hermione banished her back to wherever she came from.
As the dust cleared, the two looked at each other. "Well?" Harry asked.
Hermione smiled. "Come on, I think we need to finish what we started... Off camera of course." She said, the last part directed at the audience.
A/N: Well, I hoped you liked this brief one shot. I was a bit bored and decided to write it. I'd also like to make an announcement. Harry Potter and the Seven Souls is still alive. I've been having some issues with writing it that's been holding me up. Plus, I've been addicted to a few good games. Thanks for all the support. You guys and girls rock :)