A/N My first fanfic of the new season! Enjoy! You gotta figure Mike's day was long...and he never had a chance to sit down and think about everything...
I am alone in the loft. Sam left to get dinner for me and him.
I sit on the bed. Our bed. I have shared this bed with you for so long now that I can't remember ever sleeping alone. I grab your pillow and hold it up to my face. It smells like you.
This loft is so cold an empty without you here. Everywhere I look I see you. I see the magazine you were reading, the teacup from breakfast earlier this morning. I miss the sound of that damn kettle waking me up daily.
I look at the shelf I made for your snow globes. Picking one up, I shake it and watch the snow fall on two tiny skaters. The snowy scene reminds me of a weekend we were stranded at an abandoned house in Ireland. Safely hidden in the house, we watched the snow falling for hours and you were wrapped up in my arms. I still remember how your hair smelled, the soft sounds you made as I caressed your hands and arms. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember your soft giggles. There was no one else in the world then-just you and I. I want to go back to that day.
I feel tears stinging my eyes. I try to blink them away but they begin to fall down my face. I let the snow globe fall to the floor. Before I know it, I take snow globe after snow globe and throw them to the floor, watching them shatter. Water and fake snow cover the floor. I stop at the last one, realizing how much pain my actions will have brought you. Those snow globes are your prized possessions and I have destroyed them. All I have done is cause you pain. I should have listened. Why didn't I listen?
I see my gun on the counter and I grab it. I pull your letter out of my pocket and lean against the kitchen sink. At some point, I don't know when, I slide down to the floor. Gun in one hand, letter in the other I am losing control. Tears fall freely now and my vision is blurred. I can't hear anything except the sound of blood rushing in my ears and it is deafening.
Before I know what's happening, someone kneels down in front of me. They try to take the gun from me, but I hold it tighter. Once I realize its Sam trying to take the gun from me, I let him have it and I close my eyes, covering my face with my hands. He is trying to talk to me, comfort me but I can't let him. Guilt consumes me. Guilt because I led you and Sam to make a decision that I refused to accept as an answer, guilt that Anson almost had my mom killed and guilt that Sam nearly died by my hand and by Anson's hand all in the same day. I manage to crawl into a corner of the kitchen, hoping Sam leaves me alone. He doesn't. Instead he sits next to me and puts his arms around me. I try to fight, to break free, but Sam continues to hold me until I stop fighting him. All I can hear now is myself saying that I am so tired. In response, I hear him say "I got you brother, its OK" I don't know how long we stayed on the floor and eventually I fall into a deep dreamless sleep.
In the morning I wake up where Sam left me, but covered with a blanket. I smell coffee and eggs. Getting up, I look around the loft and see that the broken snow globes have been cleaned up. Sam emerges from the bathroom and smiles at me. "I told Maddie we'll be over before we see Pearce. Eat, shower quick and we'll go." I nod my head. I thank Sam. He smiles at me and starts to do the dishes. I hear him say softly "Anytime brother, anytime."