AN. Hello fanbase of Harry Potter. I wrote this at 1:00 AM to a friend of mine through email because if any of my previous readers remember (why would they?), when I get inspired it is usually at some ungodly hour and I never sleep when I'm inspired. I wrote this essay and sent it to my friend and then I thought hey why not publish it after editing it a bit eh? I took it out of letter format and removed all of my playfulness from it because I love my friends, I do. When I was a kid I didn't have friends, I was that weird chick who lived in her own world and drew creepy pictures – sort of like Luna, only I can't see gnargles (pout). I can draw them though! Anyway… here is my essay on the colors of Hogwarts.

Okay fans of Harry Potter – or haters I don't know you or your brain chemicals on this—have you ever wondered the meaning of the colors of the houses of Hogwarts? I haven't until now, but perhaps you have. The House Colors, elements and humours of the houses of Hogwarts are, as following:

Gryffindor: Red and Gold (their element is Fire and their humour is Sanguine)

Slytherin: Green and Silver (their element is Water and their humour is Choleric)

Ravenclaw: Blue (or purple)and Bronze (their element is Air and their humour is Melancholic)

Hufflepuff: Yellow and Black (their element is Earth and their humour is Phlegmatic)

If you noticed the order I put them in and why, I congratulate you. If you don't, you will soon enough.

Let's start with the good, great Gryffindor House. Red and gold, represented by a lion, and the very best house according to Hermione Granger – the best witch of her age, the smartest, the know-it-all, and, well, basically she knows everything. Gryffindors were the good guys, the light side, the right side and I think it comes down to the colors. Gryffindors get the Gold color. Gold is the best, the richest metal, the most valuable, the prettiest and it is the medallion given to first place. Gryffindors are favored by all the houses except Slytherin – though that was probably just Snape being an ass (I love the guy, I do, but he is a sarcastic ass and we all know it) – and this is because Gryffindor is "colored" as the best by the very emblem. The other color, red, also has its "best color" points.

Red is the color of passion, both hate and love, anger and lust – it's all made of the same stuff. Really, the same chemicals in your brain are reacting – ugh, got off topic, sorry about that I'm tired. Red is the color of energy as well as passion. The vibrancy of youth, the color of the fire of passion, the color of blood first meeting the air, the first flitting's of love upon our breasts, it all comes down to red. Red, all shades of it, all the varying potencies are extremely emotional in nature. And, as Snape noted repeatedly in the books, this overtly emotional nature and the favoring of nearly all of wizarding society based on their gold status will inevitably turn to arrogance in most. This over exposure to emotion within Gryffindors and Gryffindoric people with also lead to recklessness, danger, and lucky bouts of courage as well as stupidity, and they will probably get away with it, too because they are Golden.

As you can tell, I was not sorted into Gryffindor, and I would even choose Hufflepuff, shudders, over it but we'll get to that later.

Now for my favorite house, Slytherin (And if you need to know, I was sorted into this house by the ratio of four to five quizzes, and the fifth one was Ravenclaw). By the reasoning of the metallic color of Gryffindor, silver would mean second place. This is supported by many different essays, YouTube videos and even the Potterverse. The books spend the majority of the time from Harry's point of view, the point of view of a Gryffindor, therefore we get a biased standpoint but that biased standpoint is supported by all the important characters. Slytherin's infamy nearly measures up to Gryffindor's fame; and the key word is 'nearly'. Gryffindor is the best, so to speak, and Slytherin could never quite measure up. Harry is the savior, Dumbledore has a whole slew of titles and was also a savior in way – though he couldn't kill the guy he had a crush on/relationship with. Slytherin had Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Lord Voldemort. Gryffindor got a sword and Slytherin got a giant snake that was hatched from a toad's egg under a chicken –and don't even get me started on the logistics of that. And something else I noticed in a haze started by caffeine overdose is that silver, when some letters are switched, makes sliver, and I don't know about you but sliver sounds a heck of a lot like slither. It makes me wonder sometimes how much thought Rowling put into the silver coloring.

Now for the Slytherin green. I have always had an issue with green in the Potterverse because if Rowling wanted to make all the Slytherins appear to be bad guys to Harry until the very end, she should not have used green, because she uses green too damn much. Especially in the Philosopher's stone: example Harry's eyes, the ink of the letters from no one, McGonagall's hat, robes of wizards Harry felt the need to notice, Trevor the toad I assume was green-ish and then Slytherin. She makes a big fu – um – freaking deal out of green. What is wrong with green? Well, green is usually associated with greed (even the spelling is nearly the same!) and envy, but that's not really bad. Slytherin is about succeeding and ambition and all that, right? Green also means life like trees and plants and grass; even fire looks green when it burns certain things like magazine papers and water looks green in some places (he he, the Slytherin element is water). Green is tranquil and calm, but it is also power-hungry. There is nothing wrong with wanting power, but Rowling makes it look really bad for anyone ambitious. Even Percy, the most ambitious of the Weasleys had abandoned his family; personally, I thought his family had it coming the way they treated him but that's another rant/essay for another time. So what was wrong with green? Nothing, nothing at all.

Now for Ravenclaw with its blues and purples and bronzes. Bronze, as you – I would hope – have deduced means third place. A slightly off topic rant is coming on. I have big issues with Ravenclaw because what was its point? Why did it exist? Ravenclaw – home to wise, witty, clever bookworms! But Hermione is not there. Why not? She may have asked the Sorting Hat – it does take the choice of the sort-ee into consideration after all (though I can't see the Harry we grew up with ending up in Slytherin, not canon Harry at least. He isn't greedy or calm or even envious so why did the hat consider it?). Ravenclaw shouldn't exist in my opinion because we have about three or four characters from Ravenclaw and at least two of them were duds. I am, of course, speaking about Marietta, Cho, Luna, and Helena of course with Marietta being an idiot/spy, Cho just being a plain idiot, Luna being the wisest of the lot of them while she's locked inside her own mind and probably a schizophrenic (though I love Luna very much) and Helena grew up in her mom's shadow, stole the diadem, got herself killed by the guy stalking her, and then gave Tommy-boy the key to a horcrux and how is that intelligent in any way? Even an idiot should know that you do not give boys barely a percentage of your age a tiara you stole from your mom because any girl should know a pretty guy like him uses any one he wants and throws them away when they are no longer useful. But the house colors, don't mean intelligent. Not really at least.

Blue is like a "balance between devotion and obsession." Blue is wise and trustworthy – not smart. But that delicate balance is a balance between extremes. Blue is, basically, bipolar. One minute the Claws are normal people, but then their behavior goes haywire for apparently no reason. They can be just fine who they are and then they get arrogant about their abilities or depressed by being unrecognized or critical of others. Basically, they slowly go mad trying to hold the balance. How many insanely smart people go crazy? Because this balance between the normal and the extremes is common with artists. Artists. And Artists, the best ones, the famous ones, were completely mental. Van Gogh – I think it was him – cut off his ear, bled for nineteen hours and gave it to his girlfriend. Musical artists commonly die of overdose, painters and sculptors and drawers usually commit suicide, it's so cliché but it's true. They can't hold the balance because something is off about them that makes them artistic. And I say these people were Ravenclaws. And the best example in Potterverse of this strange insanity is Luna and Hermione. Hermione is a very critical person, and very obsessive – she goes looking for a toad on a really big train and won't give up, she won't leave Harry and Ron alone not until they befriend her, and she studied ten weeks before exams. She is a Ravenclaw because she is blue. Luna, on the other hand, goes to the other side of the scale. She is down-to-earth and lonely and depressed a little bit and is very creative and wise – though she locks herself inside her mind to escape reality. I think Luna could very well end up overdosing by accident or killing herself because she seems like one of those creative people who can't stop it from happening. Oh fun fact, if you switch around the letters in blue, you get lube which ends in sex, so therefore blue is a perverted. Ravenclaws are all sluts.

I shall do a short tangent on purple because I did watch the movies before the books, I want to enjoy both after all not pick it apart for being wrong or stupid or out of order. If you replace the p's with g's you get gurgle. Another word for purple is violet, which is one letter short of violent. Purple also contains the letters for pulp and pure. Therefore purple is actually death because you gurgle if you choke on your bloody after being attacked in a violent way, and in Harry Potter the purity of your blood matters the most. Plus, purple is the color of bruises so purple = violent death. Purple is also blue plus red. So I guess Hermione is purple.

Now for Hufflepuff. Yellow and Black. Wow, a bumblebee. Now I'm going to start with yellow. Yellow is traditionally a happy, fun color with the sun and "blonde have more fun" and all that. I find yellow an exceedingly violent color. Let's split this word up into syllables. Yel-low, or better yet Yell-ow. Yell ow. Why would you like to make someone Yell Ow? Therefore, Yellow = Sadism. So, in reality, Hufflepuffs are Sadists. But I'm insane. Overly happy people are like toddlers (2-4)or small children (5-7). They are very childish, very selfish, very social creatures. Children do not control they're emotions well, they want to have fun all the time, and… well basically if you add up the emotions of a Gryffindor, the slight greediness of a Snake, the creativity of a Claw and the "let's be friends" mentality of children you get a Hufflepuff.

Now for Black, and this where I give my theory about Hufflepuffs in general. Black is a very conspicuous color. It has so many bad connotations, so many that I barely notice the good connotations (Yin of Yin and Yang...that's about it). A few decades back in America (say about four or five) calling someone black was an insult. In modern times, some adults look down on teens for wearing all black. Black is the color of the occult and all that rot. Black is worn to funerals. Black is a sign of death! Dark Arts are called dark because of these aforementioned connotations. So why do Hufflepuffs, the duffers, misfits, outcasts and just plain nobodies get such a color with the worst connotations? Plus why is it called Dark Arts? Where are the Light Arts? I'm not even sure the Patronus Charm was light, I don't think it was explicitly stated! Anyway Dark Arts = Black. Then, by that logic, Black = Evil. Yet Hufflepuffs - Hufflepuffs! - get black? Maybe for the bumblebee effect? But, then again, bumblebees are not harmless! They sting and sometimes, they kill. They kill if you are A. Allergic or B. they gang up on you. Even Dumbledore! Dumbledore, whose name comes from a Latin (I believe) origin, has to do with bumblebees and Rowling spent a lot of time of their freaking names - example Hermione comes from some Shakespeare thing having to do with logic and whatever and Harry means Home Ruler and back in the day where Harry was actually used a lot, the home ruler AKA king was the strongest of them ALL! So Hufflepuffs are deadly little buggers.

Therefore, I conclude a few things from this exercise with houses from Hogwarts:

1. Gryffindors are arrogant because they are Number 1 (Gold) and Passionate Idiots who are too brave for their own good (red.)
2. Slytherins are greedy, envious bastards (Green) stuck in the Number 2 slot who idolize snakes because they sliver, I mean slither.(Silver)
3. Ravenclaws are worthless! They just exist for no reason whatsoever! They are third place (bronze), perverts (Marietta, I mean Blue) and are exceedingly violent (purple, Marietta) and now
4. Hufflepuffs were the real badguys. They are assassins in the making. In Potterverse, an assassin would get themselves sorted into Hufflepuffs - because who in what state of mind - would suspect a Hufflepuff of planning and executing murder? Hufflepuffs are underestimated, but really they are bees in disguise. Sure the house emblem is a badger but badgers are thieves, and they will work with their enemies to hunt according to Wikipedia where badgers supposedly hunted alongside one of their predators, coyotes, to achieve a meal. Hufflepuffs are dangerous. And they are actually Slytherins, I promise you. Sure, we don't know of anyone from the Badger house who went death eater, but then again all we know is that all the Blacks were Slytherin, apart from Sirius, all the Potters and Weasleys were Gryffindors and it is insinuated that all the Lovegoods were Ravenclaws. I don't know what house Barty Crouch was sorted into or Wilkes or Avery or the LeStranges (though probably Slytherin, they might have been in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff for all we know). Plus, Hufflepuffs are the perfect spies because for one no one suspects them because they are "duffers," two they have the traits of all the houses and can fit in anywhere and three Hufflepuffs are… Obliviate.

What were we talking about? Ooh a notecard! *picks up random notecard* It looked new. *reads aloud* You may say I'm wrong, you may say I'm insane, but there is truth in this essay. *blinks*

What essay? *looks around* Where am I? I am trapped inside a box, how do I get out?

Oh look, convenient exit. Now if only I had a cellphone so I could call my friend to pick me up from wherever I am...

Works Cited/Looked at/Inspired By:

The Significance of House Colors ; An original editorial by Lindsey Skouras

An email to my best guy friend ; written by treena-ivy-carter

Personality Typing + Hogwarts Houses ; a YouTube video by whitneyleemilam

Anyway…I wrote this cuz I was bored. And tired. And high off of a Mt. Dew. It's been two months since I've had a Mt. Dew. Man, I love Mt. Dews.

…Mt. Dews are green. They are Slytherins. Coke is red. It's a GRYFFINDOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why, cruel world? Why did you let me befriend a Gryffindor?