This was originally posted to a forum as kind of an experiment. Normally, as a straight woman, I write what I like, and obviously my idea of fanservice is hot guys. Since I was trying to write for an audience, I did some stuff to imitate the site's sense of humor and obsession with certain bits of fat. Ah, men. Since I don't know if I'll be able to continue the plot there was going to be, especially when I have so many fics to finish, I'm posting it here as a series of crack slices-of-life in the 'verse.
Future Okami crossover.
Shiroi no Naga, Naga the White Serpent, is the title of Naga from the Slayers OVAs. Yeah. Incidently, Lina's mage title is "Lina the Pink," which may explain her homicidal tendencies…
The two people that Uchiha Sasuke hated most in the world were Uchiha Itachi, for obvious reasons, and a distant relative named Uchiha Ryuzaki.
He had probably met Ryuzaki before the massacre, since he had lived in the compound, but he hadn't even made enough of an impression for Sasuke to remember his name. No, the reason he hated Ryuzaki and all his despicable kind was because of the day a few weeks after the massacre when he had finally managed to get the scum's daughter Shinobu to tell him why she had such horrible screaming nightmares and didn't deal with them by crawling into or under his bed for protection the way all the others did.
For one blinding, rage-filled instant, he had been glad Itachi killed every single person older than him in the clan. Because that included Uchiha Ryuzaki, and he might even have died screaming the way scum like that deserved.
Ever since that day, the types of people Sasuke hated most were traitors and perverts.
And everyone wanted to get their filthy hands on the Uchiha orphans, and that filth Danzo especially kept eyeing them. Sasuke always had them line up and count off after he left the compound, just in case he'd tried to steal one again.
People kept cooing over the poor little dears and giving them candy, and Uchiha Mikoto had made sure her son knew what happened to little boys who went home with strangers with candy. They got their eyes ripped out.
But there was something even more horrible than that.
Sasuke hated the blood-soaked compound. But it had walls, and he could keep the others away from the people who wanted to make the children think they were nice and ask to be adopted by them. He watched the nurses and guards the Hokage sent very closely, to the point his training suffered, and after the third one turned out to be working for some group on the side he barred all non-family members from the clan grounds and told the Hokage that as clan head he was demanding the Anbu stay outside just in case any of them were peeping toms like the one in the dog mask who kept reading what Sasuke knew was porn.
Sasuke hated Itachi more than anything for killing everyone and sticking him with eighteen kids from six to six months. He had to get stronger, to protect them both from Itachi and the village.
But between paperwork, cooking, patrolling, tutoring, repairing the damage from their tantrums (no, he was not their mother), there was just not enough time in the day.
He only had two hands and was born the wrong gender and the wrong clan to master Eyes In The Back Of The Head no Jutsu, the ultimate skill of mothers and Hyuuga.
And part of the bargain was that he had to act as clan head if he was going to claim he was capable of looking after them all, and that included taxes. Which involved math.
Between stress, sleep deprivation, and percentages the young man called 'Uchibi Sasuke' behind his back might have gone off the deep end even sooner than his canon counterpart if it weren't for one thing.
As a general rule Sasuke neither knew nor cared about the names of his classmates. Only his early training enabled him to make it in before the bell rang, and he was out as soon as it rang again so he could round up all the others (the academy made a good day care) and do the shopping on the way home.
The one person whose name he knew was Naruto, because Naruto made damn sure everyone knew his name.
Sasuke's parents were dead, and unable to tell him to stay away from the demon brat. He didn't listen to anyone else anyway, with the grudging exception of the Sandaime, who was tentatively marked down as maybe half-decently trustworthy. Maybe.
Not being a fool, Sarutobi made sure no one who might tell Sasuke caught him reading Icha Icha.
On that particular day, Sasuke had left class early when an Anbu had stopped by to report that Uchiha Shigure had broken his leg climbing a tree (Konohamaru had dared him) and was running to the hospital carrying the day's bentos (after the third attempt to drug them, he didn't let his cousins' food out of his sight) when Naruto ran into him.
Now, in Sasuke's defense, Naruto had done this deliberately, since he knew how everyone made a big fuss about the Uchiha and boxes being spilled everywhere on top of that would make a good distraction. So he really was asking for it.
Sasuke had let his taijutsu grades slip and was only doing enough of the homework to avoid being held back. However, he was special jounin level in capturing and subduing brats who needed to be given a Time Out by being pinned to the wall with kunai.
Iruka, the Anbu, and the truant officers all dropped their jaws, amazed by how easily he had vanquished the fox brat and wished they could hire him right then and there.
As they watched in awe Sasuke kept grinding Naruto's face into the food strewn all over the road and informing him that he, Uchiha Sasuke, did not need his, Uzumaki Naruto's bullshit and if Naruto did not personally replace every single one of those bentos he had ruined by the time Sasuke got back from the hospital and his immature, idiotic behavior made Sasuke's little cousins miss lunch then Sasuke would gut him, roast him, and slice him up for sandwich meat as he screamed.
For the first time in his life, Naruto regretted (part of) a prank. Painting the Hokage monument was one thing (a wonderful idea, that's what it was), but making a fellow orphan go hungry was another.
Iruka let him go after he promised to buy the food, hoping he'd learn from this.
"What is this?" Sasuke demanded when he got back, after yelling at the instructor who should have been keeping an eye on his cousin.
Naruto looked at the moldy rice, wilted seaweed, and three-week-old fish that made up the bentos and didn't see a problem with it. That was what all bentos were like, in his experience. That was why ramen was the best food.
"Are you trying to poison them, you dobe? Look at the sell-by date!"
Now, harsh experience had forced Sasuke to learn to identify the innocent look and become aware that no, kids didn't know the things 'everyone knew' unless someone told them. Naruto watched, amazed, as Sasuke took a deep breath and withdrew into a simmering rage. It was the first time anyone but Old Man Hokage had believed Naruto when something really wasn't his fault. "Yes, sell-by date. See this here? You shouldn't buy anything after the sell-by date. Who sold you these?" Who was really responsible for trying to stick his cousins with expired food that would have forced Sasuke to stay up all night as they threw it up?
It was one thing to sell expired food to the fox brat. It was another to have the head of the Uchiha clan in full regalia storming in and demanding an explanation for something that, under Konoha law, could be considered an outright attack on his clan.
The public outrage and the fines the council levied forced him out of business and when Sasuke picked up the children and headed home that day he also dragged Naruto along on the shopping trip and showed him how to tell if food was good or not.
Even with Sasuke's specialized skill set it took time to make those bento, and Naruto was not getting out of replacing them.
As Naruto kept his word and Sasuke thought happily of the extra fifteen minutes he'd be able to sleep in the next morning the children swarmed the new person, telling him how to make their bento and saying how much they admired his pranks.
The distraction actually allowed Sasuke to get caught up with his carefully-calculated minimum amount of homework, and he graciously allowed Naruto to stay and do his as Sasuke supervised the children doing theirs.
The children were amazed at a bigger kid who knew less than they did and Naruto ended up with seventeen tutors.
And the eighteen members of the Uchibi clan ended up with a math tutor. Naruto didn't know anything about geometry, but he had a head for figures and could pick them up quickly.
It was the first time in his life someone had said he was good at school stuff. He had people looking up to him. No one had called him any names and he wasn't being chased out. Naruto kept pinching himself when no one was looking
When Naruto asked if he please could come back tomorrow, Sasuke's reaction could be summed up as, 'Sure you can, my new cook and babysitter.' Not wanting to endanger his new happiness, Naruto did everything he could to be indispensable, from making everyone's favorites to playing ninja. From dusting to acting as Sasuke's training dobe.
Sasuke, after the first night he'd had eight hours of uninterrupted sleep since the massacre, offered Naruto a job. Naruto was even more stunned. You could get paid for being in heaven?
It was when Naruto took over as Sasuke's accountant that Sasuke began to wish Naruto had been born a girl. Because, according to what little the young boy knew about male-female relations, then Sasuke could marry her and the kids would have a mother. And marriage meant his new labor-saving device, defender against the cursed tax forms, and favorite person in the whole wide world would never, ever be able to leave. And he wasn't alone in feeling this way
Thus it was that Sasuke the pervert-hater and the rest of the Uchibi clan became responsible for the creation of the third-most perverted jutsu of all time.
While adequate sleep, completing his homework and sparing-playing with the chibis and his training dobe Naruto allowed Sasuke to become top of the class (he never caught up in book work all the way, but his now-jounin-level child-grabbing and related skills made him first at the practical), Naruto still flunked.
Oh, he did okay in bookwork, because Naruto wouldn't want to lose the admiration of the Uchibi Army (and Sasuke would have kicked his ass) and the teachers couldn't miss-mark pages that someone would be going over with Naruto to see what he had done wrong. And he came in second in taijutsu – inevitable, since Sasuke had started at such a young age and training together at the same pace had allowed him to keep slightly ahead.
But Sasuke didn't know how to identify problems caused by too much chakra, let alone teach Naruto how to deal with it, and so while Naruto knew quite a few other jutsu he still couldn't climb trees or do a bunshin.
Secretly, Sasuke was happy Naruto hadn't graduated. On the one hand, Naruto was his friend. On the other, this meant he would be staying in Konoha while Sasuke was on missions, looking after the children and threatening to kill anyone who looked at them funny. He could have made a fuss. Naruto didn't ask him to. He wanted to graduate on his own.
The next morning, Sasuke watched a small army of Narutos fighting the small army of Uchibi (soon joined by the Konohamaru Corps) while other Narutos cooked, cleaned, and worked on the construction of all the booby traps he and Naruto had been planning on adding to the estate's defenses as soon as they had a chance. He realized that only one thing could make this any better. "Hmm, can you henge your bunshin? That would be useful."
Sasuke had lost his mother at a young age. So the sight of dozens of buxom bikini-clad (there were children present) women taking care of everything and wanting to do things for him was just too much for the boy.
The Uchibis stopped and stared. "Wow."
"You got Sasuke?" They crowded around the pool of blood on the floor.
"Wow." Just wow: that was the majority response.
"Nee-chan, is Ni-san a pervert?" Sasuke was ni-san or aniki (regular big brother or big brother/boss): Naruto was Ni-chan or Nee-chan (big brother or sister).
"I… I, Uzumaki Naruto, have created the ultimate jutsu! In your face, Sasuke!" The… other movements that occurred when Naruto punched the air knocked out two others.
After the Hokage managed to convince Sasuke that this was a normal part of growing up, he wasn't a pervert and shouldn't commit seppuku, Naruto took to staying in female form a lot to taunt him. Sasuke, not being an idiot, kept Naruto from figuring out that he really didn't mind. Really.
He would have felt a bit bad about yielding to the desire to wage a subtle campaign of psychological warfare to get Naruto to stay female permanently, since he'd already picked out his future wife, if it weren't for the fact clan heads were allowed more than one wife.
Harem no Jutsu, indeed.
Everyone knew that once he came of age, Sasuke would be Konoha's most sought-after bachelor. Not only was he rich, handsome, a skilled ninja and so on, but he was also was trailed by lots of adorable coo-inducing chick magnets and would clearly be an awesome father.
Sasuke had one criterion for his future wife: be a female Uzumaki Naruto.
Failing that, they had to be unconnected to any of the clans, because the clans wanted to absorb the Uchiha, especially the Hyuuga. They also had be responsible, get along well with children, and above, all, be a skilled enough ninja to kill anyone, Itachi or pervert, who attacked the compound while Sasuke was away.
Now, good female ninja were rare these days, and most of them were only good since they got clan training. Someone being good without any obvious powerful backing was suspicious, and Tenten was out since Sasuke had heard of Gai.
So, he was probably going to have to train up one himself, he decided while trying to stay awake during a council meeting. However, if he showed interest in anyone female, then certain people (he looked at Danzo as he thought that) would try to get their claws into her.
So, he needed a decoy. He knew just the person.
No one as paranoid as Uchiha Sasuke would have missed someone skulking around his compound. Once he got the drop on Hyuuga Hinata and got the story out of her, however, he totally understood. From how the Hyuuga had tried to get him to fire Naruto (as well as everyone else) they seemed to think he was a bad influence, and it wasn't like he'd let his children be around a bad influence either. So he'd let Hinata join the training fights and so on, because it got him another free babysitter, and if Naruto was going to marry someone else it would be someone he approved of.
Her father would have thrown a fit if Hinata had started making heart-shaped bentos and experimenting with makeup for the sake of Uzumaki Naruto. Uchiha Sasuke was another matter entirely, and if Naruto just happened to be there, and ate most of the food, and looked at Hinata worriedly when he saw shadows under her eyes and ask if she was getting enough sleep…
Well, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. For now.
And they seemed to be a good influence on her.
The Uchiha giving in and probably letting the Hyuuga reabsorb them one day was big news. Compared to that, no one noticed Sasuke giving the only student better academically than him a job as tutor (with emphasis on manners and girl stuff) to the Uchibis, and also having her help with their physical training.
It wasn't the business of outsiders if she'd been given access to the Uchiha jutsu library as well as the etiquette books.
Thus began the legend of Shiroi no Sakura, Sakura the White Serpent, mistress of a thousand jutsu, who would earn the title of 'The Professor' by following in the footsteps of the Third Hokage, and her epic rivalry with Orochimaru.
Best described by Naruto: "It's the battle of the jutsu-freak snake perverts! Winner gets Sasuke's body!"
However, Sasuke's plan to have Sakura watch the house when he and Naruto were gone (Hinata's father wouldn't let her), was ruined when she not only graduated as well but was assigned to the same genin team, meaning she'd be absent exactly when they were.
The negotiations had been a bit delicate. The Hokage had wanted Naruto to be trained by his father's student so he'd have a chance at fair treatment, the council had insisted on Sasuke being trained by the very same sharingan-wielder, and having Hinata on the team (third in taijutsu) would have made it too unbalanced, but her father didn't want Sasuke to be around another girl all the time who might try to win him away from Hinata.
The girl everyone had assumed was Naruto's girlfriend seemed safe enough.