We are not responsible for any seizures caused during the reading of this fic. We suggest simply that you keep an open mind, maybe smoke something herbal, and listen to Disney's Beauty and the Beast Soundtrack, or something like it, in reading this fic. Though Jaida is traumatized, and half wonders whether or not she should allow herself to be affiliated with this piece of work, she cannot deny her major partnership in this moment of craziness. Please, R&R.

Beauty and the Schwarz
or
Ayabelle and the Irishman
By Jaida and Flittery

Cast:
Ayabelle - Aya Fujimaya
Yohji - Yohji Kudou (as modelled after Gaston)
LeKen - Ken Hidaka as modelled after LeFou
Gaston's Fangirls - Omi Tsukiyono, Jaida and Flittery
Cogsford - Bradley Crawford (as modelled after Cogsworth)
Schumiere - Schuldig (as modelled after Lumiere)
Chip - Nagi Naoe
Farfarello - Farfarello (as modelled after The Beast)
Disgruntled Director (D.D.) - as played by himself
Chorus/Cheery Townspeople - various people

Scene One
[Lots of cheesy animated stained glass shots. Cheesy Deep Voice Narrator Dude (CDVND) begins to speak.]

CDVND : Once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a young prince named Jei. This prince happened to be a schizophrenic, and he eventually murdered his parents and sister because they did not have proper medication to treat him, so long ago. A grumpy fairy turned him into a beast named Farfarello and cast a curse over his palace, telling him that he must learn to love before all his knives became rusty, or he would remain a beast forever. But this was hard, for who could ever learn to love (dramatic pause) ... A beast?

SCENE

Scene Two
[Sun comes up over a beautiful town. Ayabelle crosses a bride, a katana sticking from the folds of his dress.]

Ayabelle: (singing) Litle town, it was a quiet village, every day, like the one before, then Reiji came, and he killed my family, and now I -

D.D.: SEND IN THE SINGERS. NOW!

Cheery Singers: Bonjour! Bounjour! Bounjour, bonjour, bonJOUR!

Ayabelle: Look, there goes Yohji, with his girls, like always, but they're not Asuka, can't you tell? Every *ahem* noon-time just the same, since the day that he first came, to this poor assassin group -

Yohji: (Patented Very Slick Voice) Hey Ayabelle! (Waggles eyebrows)

Ayabelle: Oh, go to Hell.

Yohji: Were are you off to?

Ayabelle: (Glowers) None of your business. REVENGE! (Whacks him with a flower pot and runs off to the bookshop.)

[Aya smacks the old bookkeeper over the head with his katana and steals his favorite book. And, suddenly, he's sitting on the edge of a fountain with lots of sheep.]

Ayabelle: Ohhhh, isn't this amazing, it's my favorite part because - you'll see! Here's where he's with his sister, and she won't be hit by any CARS 'til chapter THREE. SHI-NE! ::Chops off the head of an innocent lamb::

D.D.: Uh... Get someone to clean that up... (Muttering) Why me, God? Why me?

Yohji: (Groping LeKen) I wanna hear you say it.

LeKen: (Blushing) ...You're the greatest hunter in the world, Yohji...

Omi and The Fangirls: ::SWOON::

Yohji: Well. I have my eyes set on that one. (Points at Ayabelle; sings) Right from the moment when I met him, saw him, I said he's GORGEOUS and I fell! Here in town there's only he, who's almost beautiful as me, so I'm making plans for our dear Ayabelle.... (Suggestive Look)

Le Ken, Omi and the Fangirls: Look there he goes, isn't he sexy, oh Yohji-kun, oh you're so CUTE! You stole out hearts, we're hardly reading the subtitles, you're such a handsome BRUTE!

Yohji: I know.

D.D.: X the fangirls.

Cheery Townspeople: BONJOUR etc.

Ayabelle: There must be some way to get back her (Undeniably High Note) LIIIIFE!

Yohji: Just watch, I'm going to screw all of Weiß!

Fangirls: ::SWOON::

Cheery Townspeople: Look, there he goes, that boy is just so boring, he needs some counseling can't you tell? It's a pity and a sin, for both his sister and him; no denying you're so boring, Ayabell!

Ayabelle: SHI-NE! (Attacks the cheery townspeople)

D.D.: FOR GOD'S SAKE CUT!

SCENE

Scene Three
[Aya wanders into Schwarz headquarters. A golden eye watches him from the shadows as he is stalked by Schumiere and Cogsford.]

Schumiere: (Fake French Accent added to a Horrifyingly Nasal Singing Voice) We.... Mo-LEST, we molest, put our service to the TEST, tie your napkin 'round your wrists, Cheri, and we provide ze REST!

Cogsford: You're dripping WAX on my SUIT!

Schumiere: ::PURRRRRR:: (Drags Cogsford off into a bedroom)

Ayabelle: Maybe Takatori's in HERE! (Slams open a door to find -)

Farfarello: ::munchknife:: Hehehe.

Chip: (tied to a chair) Nothing to see here, people. (Smiles nervously)

Yohji: (Bursts in, followed by LeKen, Omi and the fangirls) Ayabelle, my love! ::Hackwheeze (After all, that smoking can't be too good for his lungs x.x)::

D.D.: I wanna go home. Just, cue the cheezy music.

CHORUS: Tale as old as time
Could be true as it can be
Barely even friends
Then one of them bends
So expectedly
Just a little change
None of us quite care
One of them is hot
One of them is not-
but he has great hair!
He's ever just the saaaaame
Never a surpriiiiiise
Always just as sure, always such a bore
With his angry eeeyyyyeeess (Aya is whacked by angry fangirls)
Tale as old as time
As played out as can beeee
Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change,
learning you were wrong -

Ayabelle: (Whips out his bloody katana) I'm NEVER wrong!!

D.D.: Get that AWAY from him.

CHORUS: Certain as the Farf
with his knives and reckless caaare
Ayabelle was bored
while so self-absorbed-
but he has great hair!
(Lights dim)
Ayabelle was bored
while so self-absorbed-
but he has great hair!

[All exit in the direction of the bedrooms. Flittery and Jaida run after them with video cameras.]

SCENE

*Owari*